Partner Help Please?

[PhoenixRising1979]

Hello

This is my first post here and I don’t really know where to start. Last year I found out something about my partner from someone he works with. We’ve been together 7 years and have a child and house together. Part of his personality is being a huge flirt, but it’s always harmless and it’s never bothered me. Basically, this woman said that this time was different.

She told me that for the last 6 months she’d seen him and this woman together almost every day but the most worrying part was their body language, she told me his eyes lit up when he saw this woman and he’d have coffee waiting for her and vice versa when she came in, and put his arm round her waist to greet her. She’d also seen him push her hair out of her eyes and him standing behind her stroking her neck, and to use her words ‘being affectionate’ with her. She’s also seen him holding her hand in their reception area. There’s more which I’m sure I’m forgetting, but for now – what would you class the above as?

No, she's moved to another country.

There's the potential that in the next few weeks that me, him, our friends and the other woman are all going to be at the same event. I really want to say something to her, and I've overheard him saying to a friend how 'awkward' it's going to be with us both there...why would it be 'awkward' if there was never anything going on?

Well in fairness this relationship has caused a lot of trouble between you, so it would be awkward anyway wouldn't it?

Shame you've lost your informant though.

I don't think asking the woman herself is likely to get you anywhere.

I do think you need to talk to him and lay it on the line how serious this is that he's honest with you about what went on.

That's if it is serious. Do you really want to live like this any longer? Do you know what you'd do if you had cast iron proof of an affair, either present or past?

With two children, I don't think I could leave him, or would really want to.

Him saying to his friend that its going to be awkward and he's scared as all my friends are going to be there is a strange thing to admit though, isn't it, if nothing ever happened or if he didn't have feelings for her?

Yes, it's odd. Probably the friend knows something.

Why couldn't you leave him?

Are you honestly happy with this relationship now? With the levels of mistrust and snooping? With those levels of distrustworthiness?

You could have a very different life you know.

I don't want to not have our family life. The rest of the time he's a great dad, cooks, does his part round the house...I don't want to lose him

He's said before that I shouldn't check his phone, but that's something I did anyway before all this

Why have you always checked his phone?

I wasn't asking about his fathering qualities. I was asking about your personal relationship as a couple.

OP my heart goes out to you. I do think, going by what you have said that the two people were in lust/cared for one another. That much is obvious.

I do think you are right to think did he stay because of the children? I think the answer to that is mostly yes. Only because if it was only you and him, I think he might have ended it with you and gone with the OW. I don't want to hurt you btw but I'm just going by what you have said.

Another thing, I think the reason this is all still going on for you is that he hasn't been honest with you and that had left you asking all sorts of questions. You just want to know what went on dont you? You just want the truth. I think, if you felt he gave it to you then you might have been able to somehow move on from this. But he has chosen not to tell you as he feels terrible and also doesn't want to hurt you.

LH - I don't know, it started as a harmless habit for no real reason and I carried on

QuiteLikely - Do you think he still wants her now? And do you think he genuinely does want me/us or is he just scared of losing the children and being a coward as he's scared of change? What do you make of his awkward comment?

This is the a funny thread.
Everybody seems to be asking a question and the OP is ignoring it.
So, your mutual friend seems very invested in this.
What are her motives, I wonder.

I don't really understand, coffeeinbed, I'm trying to answer any questions? I have said I don't know the answer to some of them, because I don't. I have also stated that the mutual friend only spoke to me 3 times in a year, I don't know how that translates as 'very invested' or the inference - apologies if I'm wrong - that there is some sort of sinister element to her

And also, funny? Well I'm glad the fact that my world is falling apart amuses you. Thank you for that

Funny, as in weird.
She spoke only three times in the year to you and she told you all of this?
Are you sure you can trust her?
She does not have an agenda on her own?
You speak to your DP every day but you trust someone you only talk to 3 times a year more?
I would be wary of this source. That'a all.

No, she spoke to me about this three times, we've spoken at other occassions but my partner has been there, I only know her through him/his work.

I don't have any reason not to trust her. Her husband ran off with another woman, so that could be seen as a 'motive' I suppose. What other reason could she have? I don't understand what she could possibly gain

Do you know his whereabouts all the time?

I wouldn't stress about the informant I think she is genuinely concerned based on her own experience and knowing you.
Focus back on him and what/why he is doing this.

He's either at work or here at home

This not necessarily about gain, it's about extrapolating experience.
Look, if you have any independent reasons not to trust him, then ok.
If there's anything that you know that supports her version, fine
Just don't drive yourself bonkers about things someone you don't explicitly trust tells you.

Oh no, as I've said I've spoken to him about it and then he got the message on Viber off her, and now he's avoiding eye contact with her. I know there's something not right, I just don't know what.

In my head I'm blaming it on this other woman. It upset me even more when I saw her, she's beautiful and was chatting to someone who was clearly lapping her up too. Mutual did say she way really very nice, the only thing about her that she didn't like was her/my partner

Phoenx - new question: why do you blame the other woman? HE is the one who owes you something, as your partner and father of your children. HE is the one who should be answering your questions; no one else. It sounds as if HE pursued her, not the other way around.

Can you set up a time with no kids around to just talk, the two of you? And tell him how you're feeling and ask him about this? Sometimes people recommend you just say "I know everything that is going on, but I want to hear it from you" and then just wait and see what he answers back. No yelling. Just wait.

Also - almost no man on the planet actually tells the truth when confronted about another woman, even when there is a full-on affair. So expect that. He will only give up what he thinks you already know.

Good luck. This must feel awful; I feel bad just reading your posts.

Whitsernam - I don't know. If she hadn't ever came there, we'd be fine, if she wasn't so pretty, he wouldn't have looked twice at her, he wouldn't have - dare I say it - fallen in love with her? I know that makes no real sense, but it's how I feel

I've thought about confronting her before but wouldn't really do it at their work, but at this event I'm tempted, especially with just my friends there. I want to ask her how dare she, how dare she try and ruin my life and take my childrens father away?

One thing that always plays on my mind is if he actually fell in love with her...and deep down I think he might have, he wouldn't be so publicly affectionate if he wasn't not 'thinking'/blinded

She can't take anyone that doesn't want to go.

Your P clearly is happy to get close to a woman other than you. Would you feel better if she was not unattractive? Would it make a difference? Maybe you P did this because she is so attractive and wouldn't a less attractive person but that makes him a shallow cock rather than just a cock.

Your problem is not some strange woman it is your supposed to be loving P who is happy to be all over her.

*if she were not so attractive - sorry

I think it would only make me feel better in that even I can see how beautiful she is and how much prettier she is than me. It even surprises me she would be interested in my other half - he's attractive, but for someone like her??

There are always going to be beautiful women around, all you can do is trust that your DP won't stare too long and wander after them. Other women aren't sirens-it's up to your DP to be faithful, it's not down to other women not to lure him away.

Thinking like that just excuses his behaviour and justifies it. There's no justification for this extent of flirting. Even if there's nothing further to it than petting each other in public, is that not humiliating enough to you? Is that not enough hurt and disrespect? Why do you feel like you don't deserve a partner who will love and adore you-and express those feelings in public?
What constitutes an affair in your mind? To me, publicly showing affection is telling the world where your feelings lie. He must have enjoyed the game and thrill of it all, knowing that people knew there was something going on-showing his colleagues he's allowed to touch the office beauty.

Why does it matter that he hasn't done anything that you know of in the past 6 months when none of this has been acknowledge by him? Why does it matter if he has feelings for her now, if you know he had feelings for her then?

You don't need a liar in your life. I know self esteem doesn't always come east-especially after a baby but surely you can afford to give yourself just a tiny bit more respect than your DP currently is?

If DH were to stray, I'd be even more annoyed if he didn't at least try to hide it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please don't let him take a crap on you because it's the easiest option.

CoD - Your siren point stuck with me, though I can't seem to shake this hatered for her. The only friend I've told about this in real life told me I should confront her...would I just embarass myself if I did that?

With your affair question - I don't know, I keep thinking if he didn't sleep with her, then maybe we'll be okay. But then now if he has to TRY not to look at her... ???