Partner Help Please?

[PhoenixRising1979]

Hello

This is my first post here and I don’t really know where to start. Last year I found out something about my partner from someone he works with. We’ve been together 7 years and have a child and house together. Part of his personality is being a huge flirt, but it’s always harmless and it’s never bothered me. Basically, this woman said that this time was different.

She told me that for the last 6 months she’d seen him and this woman together almost every day but the most worrying part was their body language, she told me his eyes lit up when he saw this woman and he’d have coffee waiting for her and vice versa when she came in, and put his arm round her waist to greet her. She’d also seen him push her hair out of her eyes and him standing behind her stroking her neck, and to use her words ‘being affectionate’ with her. She’s also seen him holding her hand in their reception area. There’s more which I’m sure I’m forgetting, but for now – what would you class the above as?

If nothing is going on now (unlikely given what her message said) then the lack of eye contact is a self-protective measure to stop the internal yearnings for eachother. Also as said before, likely to be happening to stop gossip and speculation.

No-one can answer why he's staying.

Two scenarios are likely, but of course people are individuals and there will be other stories.

It's possible that everything was basically fine in your relationship, but no-one's immune to forming attachments to others even if that's the case. In fact, people who are fundamentally content are often the very people who fail to put in any boundaries in new associations because they over-estimate their own willpower. It's possible he got involved with this colleague and at some point (probably your pregnancy) it ended prematurely, then started up again. He might be rationalising it by saying it needs to be worked out of his system before your own relationship can pick up again and improve dramatically, because despite this happening he wants to stay with you long-term.

Or it could be that he's in love with this woman and can't see a way to leave you and be with her now that there are so many commitments and another child to parent.

Neither are good outcomes for you, unless there is complete honesty.

Maybe it's shame or embarrassment but put with the fact that their body language says otherwise I would doubt it!
I know you dont want to hear it but from what you've said it's not looking good.

What else could it be? He is having an affair. Or at best he wishes he was having an affair. How awful for that poor woman to have to tell you the first time and then twice more and still you give the benefit of the doubt. If my dh's work colleague ever told me this about my husband - jeez....I'd be mortified and he'd be out. I wouldn't give a shit about details. It is enough to know everyone at work - the only ones with a clear view- assumed they were at it. It is so disrespectful. Who cares about the details.

To be honest I think avoiding eye contact is all about their professional standing at work. I don't think it tells you anything about their feelings for each other. But insofar as it does, I would say it's a bad sign rather than good: if they were both completely uninterested now there would be no reason to avoid eye contact.

Thank you all of your replies, it's helping. Is it the general consensus that even if it didn't go beyond what I wrote in my first post, what he did was cheating?

Kaluki - with the body language thing, bar the not saying hello to her/avoiding her eyes, the body language stuff stopped 6 months ago, the woman said

Twinklestein - that's true, isn't it, he'd be able to look at her normally?

If there was nothing between them, or if he wanted nothing from her (not necessarily meaning physical) and if there was never any feelings on his part, he'd treat her the same as before wouldn't he? He would still joke and have his arm round her etc if there was really nothing in it? He'd laugh and joke and be as loud as he is with everybody else with her, wouldn't he?

If this was me he'd be out as it's clear he has feelings for this woman & I'm no ones 2nd best-are you?

TheGin - I probably sound like I'm pathetic, but I'm trying to play devil's advocate with my posts to evaluate all possibilities in my head.

Even if nothing at all has happened in the last 6 months, do you still think he has feelings for her?

Noone here can tell you whats going on with him for certain, just how it looks from outside.
What is your intution telling you?

I have no idea, but it wouldn't still be in my head or I wouldn't feel awkward going to their place of work without reason, I suppose?

I have no idea about anything

Is it the general consensus that even if it didn't go beyond what I wrote in my first post, what he did was cheating?

If it's true, yes. Because of the physical gestures described (esp holding hands in the lobby) and because all this was a complete secret from you.

However I'm sure this isn't all that has happened.

I think the fact that he talked to her bothers me a lot too, he told her things about his childhood, has called her to chat on the way to courses (I check his phone and he hasn't called her since May, with no chance to delete calls), asked her advice etc

For what its worth I think holding hands, touching hair, arms arround each other at work means a substancial relationship and commitment, and I doubt it is actually over.

It seems odd to me when you say you dont have any idea about anything, you must have some suspissions or thoughts about what has been going, or am I misunderstanding you.
Do you feel you need some kind of hard proof to be able to say anything or get angry.

Maybe asking yourself;
what is your relationship with him like in general?

has he changed in his attitude towards you?
how does he react when you ask him about it all?
can you imagine him having an affair?
maybe the answers to these questions will help you know how you feel.

Oh no I've said plenty - I've banned him from having any contact with her and he didn't say anything. When we've talked about it, I just end up shouting and he gets defensive.

He's not really changed, I don't think, but then we work shift work and are taking care of our children so...I don't know.

When I say I have no idea about anything, thats in response to what to do now, because in theory he's not done anything 'wrong' in 6 months

You need to get some actual answers from him that you can actually believe as to what when on and what he was feeling at the time, only them can you move on one way or the other, imo

He won't, I've had 3 conversations/arguments with him. He says he wants to be here with us but won't admit anything regarding her

When you say
'I've banned him from having any contact with her and he didn't say anything'

No wonder you are confused and dont know what to do, anyone would be in that situation.

Is he saying nothing went on or what?

Love, he probably just switched to another means of communication you know nothing about and can't see.

He has said nothing.

You're getting all your info from your mate and probably wrong data.

A PAYG phone for example- or work E mails.

Think about it. It's not normal for someone accused of having an inappropriate relationship to say nothing and not mention it again is it?

It's not a normal way of conducting a relationship to have showdowns, silence from one of you and a life of constant surveillance through a friend and checking tech. Is it?

You need to tell him he needs to discuss this with you honestly or what he wants just may well not come in to it.

Try to remain calm, at least untill you get some answers as otherwise you are just giving him and exscuse to end the discussion.

Sorry I'm not being clear, I have all these thoughts floating round my head and I'm not explaining myself well

When I said he said nothing, I mean he admitted to nothing and denied being inappropriate

So he is denying it, how original.

Then it comes down to how much you believe of what your friend has told you. And as another poster has said, out of the two of them Id believe her.

So then, if we assume what she has told you is true, what you are asking us is, do we think it is actually over?

The answer is there is no way to know for sure without more checking up, which is horrible for you to have to go through.

My opinion is probably not as, as I said before it sounded like a very full on relationship and he did not/ has not come clean, which indicates he was no where near ready to end it, so yeah it may well still be going on.

But there is also the issue of how you feel about sharing yourself and your family life with a lier.

I think yes he has had a affair.

My take is he played the 'just there for the kids, separate rooms and never have sex' line.

You getting pregnant blew that out the water and she was mega pissed off.

He has spent the last few months winning her back.

What was your husbands reaction to this informer woman at work. If she was lying I'd have expected him to go ballistic with the informer. If not then he is having an affair. Cuddles, hand holding and neck stroking at work!?!?! You not coming up in convo for 3 months???? This is beyond "flirty". Would it have to be full on snog at work before you'd be convinced? The reason they are watching things at work is because of informer woman.

You do know that a call can be deleted from a phone log the second that call has ended don't you? He must know you check his phone so maybe he has another SIM card or another phone hidden away.
You don't need proof that he has cheated or been inappropriate since May to leave him. You feel uneasy and you can't trust him anymore - that in itself is good enough reason to send his arse to the pavement!! Not necessarily for good but until he is prepared to be honest and stop treating you like a mug.
Whenever it was something happened and you will only get past it when he is prepared to be open and honest with you and do whatever it takes to reassure you that he is committed to your marriage.

Rainbowsmiles - we aren't married, just live together. Well, I say 'just'

He doesn't actually know how I found out, this woman has moved away now so our last conversation with her was last week.

I don't know what to do, he gets defensive if I bring it up and I just end up shouting at him. I do know that I don't want to lose him/our lives to change, especially with such a young baby. But then I'm thinking if it wasn't for him, would he have left me for her? and there's no way in hell he'd answer if I asked him that, not truthfully anyway, he just gets all 'why the hell would you ask me that? Nothing went on!' etc

From everything I've said it sounds like he has/had actual feelings for her rather than a passing attraction, doesn't it? How would I know if he were just surpressing those feelings now because he feels like he 'has' to?

I know no one here can say for sure, but getting outsiders opinions is really helping

I don't think you'll ever know.

Him being honest about it all might help, but even then you might not know.

It could be something that got out of hand and he decided he wanted you and DS, it could be that she doesn't want a permanent relationship, it could be he would have left if you hadn't been pregnant and still would if he could see a way to, or he might be thinking it's no problem to have the two relationships in tandem.

Right now though, you've both got these massive secrets you're carrying around when what's needed is a massive air-clearing.

You say this mutual friend's moved away now. Does she no longer work there then?