I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

[BunnyLebowski]

I was going to name change but fuck it.

I have no friends. None. Not one.

I have no social life. I haven't been on a proper night out in years.

I am a SAHM and pregnant with DC2. We live in a city where we have no family. Just me and DP. Every night. On the sofa watching box sets. We have become far too co-dependent and I am filling up with resentment about it .

I had awful experiences at both school and uni with groups of girls who I thought were my friends and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it.

I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things.

However I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I really don't mean to be. Resting bitch face maybe?! I am smart and witty but also sarcastic, intolerant of idiots and am maybe just a wee bit judgemental. If anyone has seen Cougar Town I think I'm a bit like Ellie .

I am a wannabe 50's pin-up who drinks whiskey and quotes films with probably irritating regularity. I find it easier to talk to men in social scenarios (mainly because DP's friends are the only people I see in a social setting) but I haven't connected with anyone as a proper friend.

I don't like a lot of the designated 'girly' activities. I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives.

I made myself go to baby/toddler groups with DD1 and I hated every minute. As much as I love my DD I don't want to talk just about babies and BLW etc which is the experience I had. Competitive parenting everywhere.

In the past 5 years I have met 2 people who I initially thought I might be able to forge a friendship with.

One is a complete drama llama who dramatically declared herself an alcoholic then decided she wasn't and now gets drunk and rants on FB most nights. And once made a pass at DP. Needless to say she's off the list.

Person No.2 is someone I thought I had a lot in common with (50's clothing and kitsch etc) but is very much a Mimi and turns out has at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies .

I say hello to people on the school run but many of the mums seem quite cliquey (could be me projecting because of my bad experiences) and besides how do you turn a school run hello into a friendship??

When I see people on FB having big get-togethers or checking in on their sofa with their friends and wine I like I positively seethe with envy. Recently I have started getting really upset about the whole situation.

I have this vision of living somewhere where I make friends with a group of the neighbours and we have raucous nights in around the table laughing and listening to music. Sad much?? .

How can I make friends? Are there any people out there like me? At 33 am I destined to be this sad twat for the rest of my days? Has anyone been in a similar situation and changed it?

Alternatively are there any rent-a-friend websites?!

If you have made it to the end of this pathetic rant for you.

Bunny I sometimes feel the same.

We're originally from Ireland and moved 7 years ago.

I am not interested in nappies, poo or soaps and have had to really push myself to make a huge effort since having dd.

I have zilch family support and I'm knackered. My Dm has advanced dementia and doesn't know her dgd and my DF died 7 years ago.

I've spent years feeling how you are (with the added Brucie Bonus of ttc for 8 years/miscarriages/ivf/icsi.

I'm trying (reasonably successfully so far) to carve out a niche with a few like minded new mothers and am feeling more part of the community than I ever have.

IME there are a few diamonds, to quote a pp, so continue with the small talk bollocks and see where it gets you.

And DELETE Facebook. It's all shite 'this is how I pretend my life is' rather than reality

I'll be your friend. I've seen a few of your posts and you sound sound.

IYSWIM

You don't fake an interest head you use the bland topic as a chance to get to know someone. So for example there was a woman I worked with who seemed nice. She mentioned she was thinking of doing up her bathroom so I told her I got mine done and recommended our plumber. She then asked what I'd bought, where I'd bought it etc. All pretty dull but it was an "in" as over the next few weeks she told me she'd contacted the plumber, chosen her tiles etc. Eventually we had a funny conversation about how hot the plumber was and I told her how I'd ogled him as he worked topless in the garden. I found out through that conversation that in spite of her Christian good-girl image she loves men with tattoos. Those conversations allowed us to bond, share our humour, ask each other for advice, show an interest in each other. Eventually the bathroom was done and she said "you must come around and see it!" nNow I had zero interest in seeing her bathroom, and she knew it, it was just a way for her to push the friendship beyond work. And it worked :) I went to see her bathroom, we got drunk and had a shouty (not angry) discussion about religion. We are good friends now and see each other at least twice a week.
Like I said, it takes time and effort.

Christ it all sounds so covert and devious CailinDana

I would NEVER think of inviting someone to look at my bathroom when I knew they had no interest in it. I had no idea people did this kind of thing.

I am now wondering how many bathroom viewing type invitations I have turned down.

I feel like Data from fucking Star Trek sometimes.

Why are none of you lovely people in Germany? I need friends like you!! actually just one would be nice. X

I know it seems covert and devious but it isn't really. It's the equivalent of walking slowly into unknown water - you need to take it easy till you're sure it's "safe." It's a pretty set social script and if you haven't learned it I can see how it would be hard.

I'm marking my place to come back later, having read the first few posts I wish I lived nearer all these mn-ers who sound like me! And have managed to describe it much better than I could

Any in East Midlands?!

waves to lodgecockers

I'm also in Headingley & I like whiskey!

I'm in Nth Leeds too! A recent work personality test thing asked me if I find it hard to make friends...er....I don't but not interested in making fuckwit friends, which seemingly makes me appear standoffish. Ho hum

Just to add I know a lot of people to chat to but I'm not necessarily friends with all of them. I think you have to cast your net pretty wide to catch a few good uns.

I on the other hand am quite into snooping other people's bathrooms

Love it head

'Data from star trek' guffaw

Marking place, shamelessly.

My internal 'someone mentioned Data' alarm went off.
I know how you feel, urm, everyone!

I'm In West Yorkshire and a bit weird too

I would love to be your friend

Hi Bunny! I know this thread is pretty long and I've sort of skimmed over everyone's posts, but just wanted to say I could have wrote your OP

I moved away from home after leaving college and have had so much trouble making friends. I've also thought I've found a couple of people who I thought were on the same wavelength as me, and then they have turned out to be total nutters (maybe that's saying something about me though!).

Stuck in a routine of constantly hanging out with my DP and it's pretty lonely. The only other people I see is his best friend occasionally and my family who live about an hour away. The only texts I receive are either from my mother or Dominos pizza

I just can't find anyone who has the same sense of humour/interests as me! I have a couple of friends from back home who are all very close and constantly do things together which makes me super jealous, but as they never moved out/away, they haven't really matured at all and I feel like a total alien to them. I hate the whole girly pink fizz type of thing (I can't really explain it but you know what sort of person I mean!) and everyone I seem to come in to contact with is this type of girl. It's so hard to make friends, I just don't know how to do it!

I'm only 23 but do not seem to get on with anyone around my own age (I have a couple of friends over in Manchester who are late 30's who are great but we don't get to see each other at all) and I live in a Leeds too! My dd is 4 weeks old so I'm kind of all over the place at the moment but I'd totally be up for being mates with you I like psychedelic rock, collecting vinyl, tattoos, the whole vintage thing and arty stuff. That sounds like a terrible personal ad.

I'm suspecting a few of us may have an element of Aspergers in our make-up. It makes you a loyal friend but it makes hard to spot the 'bathroom tile' friendship cues.

That seems to be the case Border. I think a lot of people who struggle to make friends have a problem with non-verbal communication too. Body language and facial expression are crucial when meeting new people.

I'm waiting on an assessment for Aspergers funnily enough.

I had an initial screening from a psychiatrist who said he thinks it's OCD.

I was abused as a child too so hard to say what may be biologically determined (my dad is very likely on the spectrum but was refused help due to age) and what is as a result of trauma IYSWIM.

In some ways I don't care what's wrong with me, I just want to learn to live with it and be happy.

Sorry for waffle

ILovePonyo, I'm in East Mids
Also love ponyo, though prefer totoro :)

Ponyo is amazing :o but my favourite is Gigi (Kiki's cat)

Sadly I am in Sussex though!

I am pretty sure I'm on the spectrum! I would love to meet more people but just crap at it and very impatient with the small talk etc. This thread has been really interesting and might make me try a bit harder from now on. Count me in for any Yorkshire based martinis nights! PS. OP can you teach me how to do that flicky eyeliner thing as I've never quite mastered that (my eyelids are a bit wonky)...

This thread is going in a funny direction to be honest.

Bunny, you posted bravely admitting you are lonely, resentful and spend your evenings doing things that frustrate and bore you.

When anyone has suggested it might be anything other than you being too wonderful for the rest of the world (isn't this the white lie we told our female friends when they were dumped - 'you were too good for him'?!) you've reacted quite aggressively (or totally ignored them).

You do think you are superior to others and that's probably stopped you making friends. It would be fine if you were happy like that but you're not!

I agree with Bookroomred and think you should think very honestly ...would you look down on 'you' - a lonely SAHM who never goes out? If so I think you can see the irony.

Also it is quite childish to think that making small talk or adapting your behaviour means compromising your personality or your core being.

I am an intelligent, well educated professional but accept (and sometimes really rather enjoy) talking about TV, nappies, magazines, make up...

wundawummun I'm the same. I can't make small talk to save my life. I find it so awkward it's unreal I feel funny just thinking about it now

I come out as borderline on that test people always link to, which insofar as it means anything didn't surprise me (I was a weird kid), but then I did make a quite conscious decision to master small talk/basic friend-making conventions when I was in early twenties. I realised I was going to be sunk forever if I didn't get the hang of it. It was awkward for a while, but I just observed the people who seemed to be good at it and did what they did, and now it's second nature.

Of course, many aspies do this as well. I think unless you are a long way into the spectrum, a basic willingness to learn and temporarily risk making a tit of yourself probably counts for a lot.

Alifelivedforwards

Why does it bother you that the thread is mostly positive and supporting? Is that really a weird direction?

I have been extremely clear about my situation and about my own personal failings and have stated that I am trying hard to change the negative aspects of my personality and make myself a more likeable and open person.

I haven't been "aggressive". I have been appreciative for the opinions offered and not just the nice ones.

Posters like Aurynne have been unfairly harsh and seem to want me to admit that I'm some horrible person. I'm not so I won't. I would never dream of telling someone else that thinking they are wonderful is somehow a bad thing .

Thanks to this thread (and me making myself vulnerable by posting it) I am now in contact with numerous fantastic mumsnetters who seem to like my personality, faults and all. And I have some exciting social engagements planned for the near future.

That, for me, is 100% positive and a huge change from my life just yesterday. I won't let that be undermined or diminished by a minority of naysayers who don't know me.

I feel like I need to do practise small talk. Will someone practise small talk with me