I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

[BunnyLebowski]

I was going to name change but fuck it.

I have no friends. None. Not one.

I have no social life. I haven't been on a proper night out in years.

I am a SAHM and pregnant with DC2. We live in a city where we have no family. Just me and DP. Every night. On the sofa watching box sets. We have become far too co-dependent and I am filling up with resentment about it .

I had awful experiences at both school and uni with groups of girls who I thought were my friends and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it.

I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things.

However I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I really don't mean to be. Resting bitch face maybe?! I am smart and witty but also sarcastic, intolerant of idiots and am maybe just a wee bit judgemental. If anyone has seen Cougar Town I think I'm a bit like Ellie .

I am a wannabe 50's pin-up who drinks whiskey and quotes films with probably irritating regularity. I find it easier to talk to men in social scenarios (mainly because DP's friends are the only people I see in a social setting) but I haven't connected with anyone as a proper friend.

I don't like a lot of the designated 'girly' activities. I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives.

I made myself go to baby/toddler groups with DD1 and I hated every minute. As much as I love my DD I don't want to talk just about babies and BLW etc which is the experience I had. Competitive parenting everywhere.

In the past 5 years I have met 2 people who I initially thought I might be able to forge a friendship with.

One is a complete drama llama who dramatically declared herself an alcoholic then decided she wasn't and now gets drunk and rants on FB most nights. And once made a pass at DP. Needless to say she's off the list.

Person No.2 is someone I thought I had a lot in common with (50's clothing and kitsch etc) but is very much a Mimi and turns out has at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies .

I say hello to people on the school run but many of the mums seem quite cliquey (could be me projecting because of my bad experiences) and besides how do you turn a school run hello into a friendship??

When I see people on FB having big get-togethers or checking in on their sofa with their friends and wine I like I positively seethe with envy. Recently I have started getting really upset about the whole situation.

I have this vision of living somewhere where I make friends with a group of the neighbours and we have raucous nights in around the table laughing and listening to music. Sad much?? .

How can I make friends? Are there any people out there like me? At 33 am I destined to be this sad twat for the rest of my days? Has anyone been in a similar situation and changed it?

Alternatively are there any rent-a-friend websites?!

If you have made it to the end of this pathetic rant for you.

Hey Bunny

I'm in Leeds (Headingley)

You sound like me. I totally fail at the baby group thing, always have. I see other people making friends there and it does baffle me a bit. I always come home and whinge to DH about it. I dunno if I am maybe too friendly? Or thin? Or maybe my jokes are weird? My one DD is 3 and in preschool and I don't have to do it anymore, thank fuck, but I meet zero new people and my only contact with the outside world is twitter. As a result I am a shite mum who is just staring at her phone all day.

PM me if you want to meet up. I like the 50's style but don't rock it much myself (however I do make my own clothes from vintage patterns - yeah try dropping that in conversation during a play & learn session). It would be lovely to go for a drink. If you PM me I'll give you my twitter name and you can stalk me a bit first if you like

Oh fuck. I just checked my messages. In the last week I've had 8 from my bank, 3 from DH and 6 from DS2 telling me how he's travelling always SHOUTING must teach him how to uncap. Not even my DM wants to be my friend .

Oh. And I have to start with the school gates again in September with DS4. I tried and failed 3 times already to make friends.

I like the sound of you. I would stalk you and your 50s attire at the gates of doom. Though you'd think I was odd as my resting face channels my inner bulldog. I'd love to go to museums and drink martini. I quite fancy your armoury tbh. Sadly you're 250 miles away.

Erm. I just joined a hockey team and now am friends with a bunch of teenagers. They take me for gin, remind me I'm older than their Mum and compare bruises for a social life. No pals pals yet but I sure feel better being out of the house.

Ahhhh you is me 15 years ago. I left my city home, job with friends, family, fun and moved to another county. No job, no friends no fun. It took me 4 years to make mates. And then one of them said "oh we used to see you at school and think you looked interesting" oh ffs. Now I've grown out of them again. I wish you lived in the next county, I could be your older, wiser, funny friend, I also love whiskey. (Dd could babysit, she lives in Gilmour Girl land) but there are some lovely people on here and it sounds like you won't be lonely long.
can we not start a lonely (yet funny, clever and witty) support group on here?

I could have written your post. I get very upset by my friendlessness sometimes, and then other times, defeated because I don't want to spend time with many of the people I know.

Tedious and tiring. And that's just me!

I've got to say, that whilst I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is an immense relief to know that others feel like his - it is, by its nature, so isolating...

You can feel isolated and alienated and lonely even if you have lots of friends and family close by. I do most definitely,

Though I'm fairly sociable I feel awkward, stupid, guilty, annoyed, irate, sad, disappointed by people on an hourly basis!

Sorry for anyone feeling low or lonely

Another one here! I have about 2 friends and I'm 28 which makes me feel even more of a saddo as your 20's are meant to be the time of your life. My favourite person to hang out with is my Dad and I deleted my facebook as it made me annoyed that everyone was having too much fun!

Bunnylebowski, you come across as a person who expects too much of other people and too little of yourself. You seem to expect other people to immediately accept you as you are, a special and "quirky" individual, but do not seem able to grant others the same treatment. I was a bit like you, and equally I had no friends. Slowly I learned that everyone has faults, and quirks, and everybody believes themselves to be special... me included, and that in order to have a true friendship I had to accept people with their little faults and eccentricities, if I expected others to accept mine. That person that you define as having "at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies" may very well think that you have "at least mild narcissistic and egotistical tendencies" believe me, you come across like that on your OP). None of those judgements, though, are enough to exclude a friendship. Instead of focusing of what you don't approve of in one potential friend, focus in what you get from that friendship. If you are true to yourself, many times you will find that the other person has no reason to be your friend, because you are expecting them to "prove themselves to you" before you even consider them "friend material".

In order to gain true friends, you have to change mentality. You have to give really without expecting anything back for a period of time, the "getting to know" time. You need to give them chances, not let them go as soon as you find a "fault" to focus on. Of course that time can't be forever, but it has to be for a period of time during which both of you will be learning from one another. If you judge a potential friend too soon on their "faults", you won't give that person enough time to show their pros, and you will be dismissing your own faults.

I don't "suffer idiots" either. But with time I have come to realise that some of those who I judged as "idiots" were not, and in fact, at the time I was the biggest idiot.

Addendum: getting together in this thread with other people like you and laugh about how special you are and how other people don't get you, and that being as you are is alright, will not help you. It may make you feel better and accepted while in this thread. But it won't give you friends or make you happier when you close this window. These people who "are like you" and "would love to be your friend" will not become your friends, because if you got to meet them, would be as harsh judging you in person as you are judging others. People who agree with you here and tell you there's nothing wrong with you may feed your ego, but won't give you solutions. And the fact is, you wrote this OP because you are not happy with your situation. Give it a thought.

HowGood - I've PMed you .

aurynne Thank you for your input.

I have openly admitted my failings in this thread and that I am working on changing them.

I am a wonderful person and I don't need to completely compromise my identity in order to fit in in this world. This thread with it's 99% positive responses has proved that.

If there is anyone else I have overlooked please PM me and I will reply straight away .

bunny, you're perfectly normal....keep it up darling X

"I am a wonderful person" -- I think this statement is a great example of the reasons you may find making friends hard. Whether you are a wonderful person or not is not for you to decide... it's for others, based in your behaviour towards them. Wonderful people have wonderful friends. In real life, not in the internet.

This thread reminds me of a forum for "love shy" guys I happened to come across once... Every single one of them looking for support in a community that was just perpetuating the problem by encroaching very miserable people in their own self-perpetuating behaviours.

Anyway, I'm going now. Good luck!

Only one last comment: "this thread with its 99% positive responses" has just proved you have managed to attract others like you to a thread in the internet... which has not, and will not, solve your initial problem. it is exactly what happens in the internet.

aurynne

You don't know me and, to be honest, are the only person coming across badly on this thread.

I am a wonderful person. That is fact, not opinion. I am a wonderful mother, a wonderful partner, a wonderful daughter and a wonderful sister. I help old ladies on to the bus, make strange kids laugh with funny faces and bake cakes for people I don't know at DP's work. I even pick up my dog's poo and always tip the hairdresser.

And I will be a wonderful friend when I meet the right people.

Since you clearly have nothing constructive or even polite to offer I suggest you leave us nice productive people to it.

Oh and with you calling me judgemental while simultaneously writing possibly the most judgemental post I've ever read on MN, you might want to look up hypocrisy.

Bunny please don't beat yourself up over this! You sound fab!

I joined a women's group and now have 4 close friends for about 5 years now. They were actually offshoots off the group. Have also met friends through work.

There is nothing wrong with you at all!

Ps SP (various user name is in Leeds I know she's younger than you but she sounds such a good laugh!

Ps Aurynne you're kicking OP whilst she's down. Really not needed!

Thanks HelloBoys

Right I'm off to watch Vic and Bob in bed.

Thank you everyone for being so lovely and supportive. I feel a million times more positive than I did this morning .

Aww Bunny I admire your honesty and bravery in this thread, I hope it gets you further forward. I wish I was closer to Leeds - you sound great! Plus I'm another older knitter with no make up skills so would be company for HowGood

Are there are any London MNers also wishing they could join the Yorkshire hook up?

bunny think you need to get ya kitsch ass and made up face to Norwich for the next Bonanafana social club event (google it). The friendliest night out I've ever known! x

Taking friend making advice from the friendless is madness but I think it might just have worked. While you sound lovely bunny I wonder whether you've forgotten how much time and effort is involved in real friendships. I've no idea how people manage it. With my job, kids, husband, family and old friends there's barely room for an acquaintance never mind new actual proper friends. I went through a similar quest at a crisis point when all my close friends decided to move all around the world just as I was preggars with number 2. The friends were made but were a little bit panic buy and then when I realised I didn't actually have time I had to spend time extracting myself from the groups without losing the friends ahhhh. I just think good friends happen eventually just with timing and luck. And your not bland (praise jesus) so your not everyone's cup of tea and most of them aren't your particular brand so it'll just happen a little less often for you.

It is OK to have a small but close group of friends. Honest! Some people prefer smaller friendship groups and I'm one of them.

Are there any vintage shops near you? Maybe any vintage nights at haberdashery/dressmaking places - although it might be Cath Kidstony twee shit.

I am in the East Midlands but you do sound great - but I barely drink (although I do enjoy alcohol - I just have a baby face and no ID so never bother outside of Christmas!), quite enjoy shopping/clothes and the odd rom com. I'm still an intelligent, sarcastic, film and museum loving woman. It is possible to like cultured and 'uncultured' things. I find small talk awkward though.

(I am 25 btw, chronically depressed layabout who's supposed to be a student )

I think describing yourself as a wonderful person is a good thing though Aurynne - it's ridiculous how women are supposed to have no confidence in themselves.