social services are destroying my family

[justalilmummy]

Social services have ruined my family and I just dont know what to do anymore, I want to run away from it all
My partner had a mental breakdown 15 months ago, leading up to this there were a few issues (arguments got out of hand abd police were called, 3 times last time 2.5 years ago)
After hes breakdown social services became involved and we were under a child in need plan
The plan said I was to protect my children by not allowing the children to be alone with their father - which I did
Partner after being released from the psychiatric hospital after 8 days was allocated a mental health nurse who he saw regularly
Everything was going great social workers visited as they still had a slight concern about dp state of mind
4 months ago he was discharged completly as they felt he was fine now and he did not have a mental disorder
Things took a bad turn after this as social worker did not agree with the decision
They first tried to convince dp to go to the doctors and get medication to help hes ' depression' even though he does not have it.
Dp did not do this so one day they turned up in the evening and said they are very concerned and he is not to come inside the family home, we were shocked by this but he went and stayed at hes mums, which we again did
6 weeks ago a child protection conference was held and they have put the children on child protection for the 'risk of emotional abuse' as father refuses to accept hes problem and I am downplaying hes mental health issues even though hes mental health worker says he doesnt have any mental disorder!
The conference was held as if he was still in the family home which he is not
Its now got even worse as they have told us that I need therapy to come to terms with the 'domestic abuse' I have suffered and my child needs therapy as well, also dp has to attend a parenting course.
They have made it very difficult for dp to attend any of these meetings as they hold them all in the afternoon even though we have repeatedly told them he can only do mornings coz of hes work
They threatened me this afternoon that as I am reluctant to go to therapy I'm giving het ammunition to take it to court for a care order
I must add there has been absolutely no issue since hes breakdown 15 months ago
This is having an awful effect on my 4 year old ds, he is waking nightly crying for hes daddy, hes begun wetting himself at school and s not eating properly
I just dont know what to do, they say this is coz he is at risk of emotional damage when it's them causing all the upset in this household :-(

[CouthyMow]

Anywhere - I think the fact that the OP's partner was receiving inpatient treatment for his MH SHOWS that he is obviously in the 10% of DV perpetrators who DO suffer from MH issues.

Surely SS can see that? (I'm asking that as I'm curious, sorry OP!)

I HAVE been in an abusive relationship in the past, and I am in no way, shape or form attempting to minimise the DV that has occurred in this situation, yet it seems patently obvious to me that the DV was a symptom of the OP's partner's MH problems, rather than because of a basic abusive nature.

Are Social a Workers not trained to deal with MH issues?

It seems to me that this sails very close to the wind with the Equality Act - you can get aggressive after a seizure when you have epilepsy, or when going hypo through diabetes, yet that us not seen as a reason to separate a loving parent from their child as that would breach the Equality Act 2010.

As MH issues are also covered by the Equality Act, surely the same thing stands?

If not, surely that is open to challenge?

[CouthyMow]

It's just that during my last investigation, Social Services told me that they could not remove my DC's based on the fact that I am sometimes unable to care for them following a seizure, as I have back up plans in place for emergency Childcare in that situation.

Yet they seem able to remove DC from a parent (or in this case separate them) based on seemingly his gender (as he is the father, make him move out) and his MH issues.

That makes NO sense to me when both are covered by the equality act and recognised as disabilities.

[QuintessentialShadows]

"I dont know how to prove it wont happen again"

You cant. But I fear you will have them on your case for as long as they think you are standing by your man, rather than your children.

If you look at your history together, with drunken violence, reported 3 times, (How many times did he trash the place, or throw plates, smash doors and windows that was not reported to the police?)

In addition to a violent nature, he developed a mental health problem so severe he was hospitalized, and this coincided with you falling pregnant with your second child. This child is just a baby. I can see where they are coming from. You seem adamant he has changed. But you have no proof, and neither have ss, they can only go by the past. And your past together is not rosy. They are your childrens advocates, and they cant risk another baby death. I am sorry, but are you reading the news? A child die by their parents hand monthly, and every time the ss is scrutinized for fault, and criticized for not having picked up on risk and acted on it.

You sound eloquent and thoughtful. I think you need to separate yourself from your situation and try look at if from SS perspective, and as if you did not know the people involved.

Instead of looking at the obstacles you perceive that SS are laying in your course, try look for ways to jump through the hoops and work with them to safeguard your children.

Are you scared of him? I think you are. I think you are scared of the repercussions of being seen to side with SS, and not him.

I think you are scared that he will "loose it" if you work with them rather than him, and that you are "managing" his temper and his mental health by placating him. As long as you both appear to just do what ss tells you to without putting up too much of a fight, he can still have the impression that you are siding with him, as your ultimate goal in his eyes MUST be that you do this so that he and you can stay together and you keep protecting him and being HIS advocate, rather than your childrens.

I may have it totally wrong, but that is what is jumping out at me, judging by what you say.

[Spero]

Couthy, if this blog does get up and running, can I cut and paste your post of 9.53 if you don't have time or energy to write anything else?

I think that is very good advice.

A lot of relationship breakdown between parents and SW comes from miscommunication and misunderstanding about what was said and why. I wish there were more clearly written Schedules of Expectations right from the get go then there is no room for 'I didn't understand i had to do this' or 'you didn't tell me I had to do this'. and it will help focus SW on what exactly the problems are.

I agree that sometimes good analysis of the problems is lacking at initial stage and that can push an investigation down unhelpful routes.

[justalilmummy]

Me and dp have been together 9 years. In 2007 hes father suddenly passed away, he at first seemed to accept strangely well. However in the months following hes death was when it began very withdrawn and nit himself until and everynow and then he woukd lose it. I must stress the man has never laid a hand on me but did break things in the home which I know is still dv
We realise he became depressed due to to stress and not dealing with him father's death, bottling things up etc (when I look back I dont even remember him crying once)
In hospital he received therapy and treatment Andreas overcome this
Before abd after all this huge mess happened he was/ is the kindest loving person (bit lazy round the house) but honestly thats all I could fault him on
I would see it coming again a bloody mile off this time and would seek help straight away
How can I prove this to them without it actually happening and seeing it for themselves
Sorry to drip feed theres just such alot of information cant get it all out!

[Spero]

Couthy - i think it would be very difficult to 'unpick' WHY he has been violent in the past. I don't think you can draw a clear line of causation between 'mental health issues' and abuse of a partner.

A lot of mentally ill people don't abuse anyone.

he could just be a violent nasty bastard.

A lot more information is needed before any conclusions can be reached about why he has done what he has done and what are the future risks, and this needs to be discussed taking on board the views of ALL the professionals he deals with - i.e. SW need to listen to his MH team, but equally I can see they must err on the side of caution because if they get it wrong and let him back into the family the consequences could be really serious if he gets ill and/or violent again.

[Spero]

Op, it is crucial that you talk to the SW and say that you are now better able to spot any worrying signs and you will deal with it quickly and appropriately. Because that is what they are worried about - history will repeat itself and you have a very young and vulnerable baby.

I think it is all about open ness and communication, but protecting yourself as others have rightly said, by getting a clear paper trail, setting out WHAT must be done WHEN and WHY.

[justalilmummy]

Sorry should have added that bit about hes dad at the beginning I thought I had mentioned it but looked back and saw I hadnt
Another reason why I think I should get an advocate I can never get a full story across!

[justalilmummy]

Come to think about it that was never mentioned at the meeting maybe it should have been

[EirikurNoromaour]

Can I also add that court proceedings don't necessarily mean care proceedings and can be a useful means of accessing specialist assessments that would paint a clearer picture of the risk posed by his mh, DV and your insight.

[allthingsfluffy]

OP you are still making excuses for him.

The fact is, your DCs will be damaged by DV taking place in their house and that damage will not be lessened if their are reasons for it so it doesn't matter why he was depressed, what matters is how it comes out and affects his behaviour.

It is very worrying that posters on this thread are agreeing with you that your SW is wrong/has an agenda or whatever, because they have not met her, they don't know the details of the case. If you insist on making excuses for him then how do we know there isn't one vital piece of info holding this all together that you aren't saying on here?

Work with the SW, not against her.

She threatened you with a care order when you refused to do therapy yourself because it is exactly that lack of insight that is the most worrying to them.

The loudest voice on a thread isn't necessarily the correct one. OP you need to stop acting like they are out to get you. They are trying to protect your children.

[NigellasDealer]

it is true you have to 'cooperate' with them and think ' well honestly, is there a problem? and what can i do to change it?'

[FolkGirl]

It wouldn't have made any difference if you'd told the SW why your partner was depressed.

That's not what they're interested in; because it's not important. The impact on the children will be the same. They are the children's SWs not the family's SW.

They are interested in protecting your children. Your partner has other people interested in his needs. They are there for the children.

fluffy is right, their concern is your lack of insight, your focus on sorting your partner out rather than protecting your children and your unwillingness, so far, to engage with them. These are all risk predictors.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Depressed people dont throw plates, smash windows and doors.

Your dp has a violent nature, and developed severe mental health issues on top of his violent nature. A dangerous combination.

[justalilmummy]

I have protected my kids and am putting them first
He has been removed from the family home and he has limited contact with them
And I'm hardly unwilling as I agreed to do everything they said, it's just a very stressful time for us all

[cory]

One thing that stands out is that you desperately want your partner to be allowed back with the children. For this to happen he needs to demonstrate that he is a safe parent to his children. But only he can do that. You can't do it for him.

What SS are seeing at the moment is that you are desperately trying to sort things out for him and speak for him, while he is not writing to them, not attending meetings, not organising his life around cooperating for the sake of the children.

If he is not depressed, then he can do these things. If he is not doing them but you have to arrange everything, then that is hardly going to convince them of his recovery. They will be worrying that you are trying to stand between them and him to cover up for the fact that he can't engage with them without losing it. And if he can't demonstrate that he is able to engage with SS without losing it, then he can't be trusted to deal with small children without losing it either.

[AnywhereOverTheRainbow]

couthy

Anywhere - I think the fact that the OP's partner was receiving inpatient treatment for his MH SHOWS that he is obviously in the 10% of DV perpetrators who DO suffer from MH issues. Surely SS can see that? (I'm asking that as I'm curious, sorry OP!)

Depression is not included in permanent MH issues to justify any SW involvement just because of that. I was hospitalised nearly 20 years ago for depression and a nervous breakdown, would that make me permanently a MH patient? I'd say no.


I HAVE been in an abusive relationship in the past, and I am in no way, shape or form attempting to minimise the DV that has occurred in this situation, yet it seems patently obvious to me that the DV was a symptom of the OP's partner's MH problems, rather than because of a basic abusive nature.

Many mental health patients are not abusive at all. I've known of two cases in the family and to be honest they never harmed anybody, not even thrown a plate at a wall.
Unfortunately this is a common myth, but DV and abuse are not always related to mental health illnesses.

[AnywhereOverTheRainbow]

cory

They will be worrying that you are trying to stand between them and him to cover up for the fact that he can't engage with them without losing it.

Exactly.

[FolkGirl]

I understand that, but you've talked a lot about your partner on this thread and not very much about your children.

You've talked a lot about proving he's ok etc but not a lot about ensuring that your children are. Yes, you've removed him from the home, but you appear to be resentful of this and other involvement.

The bottom line is that you called the police three times on a man you then went on to conceive another child with immediately prior to a MH crisis that required hospitalisation.

I have depression and anxiety, I've been on ADs for years. Many people do. Some people are hospitalised. But not all these people (me included) have CP involvement. The LA are clearly seeing something here that you can't.

[FolkGirl]

What SS are seeing at the moment is that you are desperately trying to sort things out for him and speak for him, while he is not writing to them, not attending meetings, not organising his life around cooperating for the sake of the children.

Yes.

[justalilmummy]

Yea I would like him home one day, obviously only if he is safe for the children

Cory ur post does make alot of sense I never saw it that way about me talking for dp, he does need to do talk to the social worker more, he is the issue not me!
Maybe I do defend him too much u cant all be wrong, it's very hard to see things when ur in the middle of it

[BlueJumper]

Well he has moved out, to be fair.

[BlueJumper]

Sorry x post!

[CouthyMow]

Spero, I have no problem with you C&P'ing that post I did at 9.53. Good luck if you can collate the information in one place, I feel that will be very informative.

[CouthyMow]

This is what I was saying when I pointed out that anything HE needs to do NEEDS to come from HIM engaging with Social Services, rather than you being an intermediary.

HE needs to get proactive on his own behalf. YOU need to get proactive on YOUR CHILDREN'S behalf.