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Original poster

Please help me make sense of this

104 replies

confused2008 · 21/01/2014 19:14

I am so confused. Know this guy from uni, we are mature postgrads. Have liked him for a while. We are both quite shy so haven't spoken much, but we had a snog at a mutual friend's party 4 weeks ago.

Since then, we have been texting pretty much constantly, I'm getting all the right signs, he's lovely and I really like him. We haven't been in uni for a while so I haven't seen him much since, but we have arranged 3 dates. Each time, they seemed to have fucked up.

First time, he didn't show and claimed he'd tried ringing and texting but I hadn't got them. I had no signal at the time, so this could be true. 2nd time, he said he was ill. Fair enough, he wasn't in uni for a few days that week but was in on the day we were supposed to be going on our date and seemed fine, however he said he didn't feel up to a date. Ok, benefit of the doubt. Third date arranged for this Friday (I'd like to point out HE has gone out of his way to arrange every date). He has started mentioning how ill he is today, and that he won't be coming into uni tomorrow as he feels so awful. I am clearly thinking he is setting up being too ill for Friday.

After the 2nd time, I told him I was going to back off as I didn't think he was interested. He was insistent he was ill and very much interested. He has been texting me dozens of texts each day and seems keen. When he tried to arrange this date, I said I didn't think he'd come, and once again he responded saying he wouldn't ask if he wasn't going to come.

I don't know, maybe he's genuinely ill? Maybe he's just shy and scared (he is very quiet!). Or maybe he is just keeping me on the side. What should I do? How would you handle this if/when he texts to cancel Friday? I can't exactly accuse him of lying. Am I over thinking it? Please help!

OP posts:
louby44 · 21/01/2014 19:22

Well if he backs out of the date on Friday I would say to forget about him. Seems like he's wasting your time.

wyrdyBird · 21/01/2014 19:26

Not enough information to give much insight here.
But I'll try...

  1. He may be ill, as he says; in which case, I'd expect him to be upset that he'd missed your dates (even though he can't help it).

  2. He may be cripplingly shy and unable to admit it. Maybe he gets sick with fright at the prospect of a date.

  3. He may be messing you around for reasons unknown.

Three times is a pattern, either way. How do YOU feel about it all?

Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 19:28

I feel really upset, I like him a lot. His texts are lovely, he seems lovely in uni and our mutual friends say he's a 'good guy'. He seems upset when he misses our dates and says he wishes he could have come. I don't know whether to give him another chance or not. I wish he would just be honest, I gave him the perfect opportunity last time to let me know.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 21/01/2014 19:45

If he does cancel on Friday, I would just back off.

No reason you can't still be friendly, but you need to know a bit more about him to understand why he keeps cancelling, ie if it's a genuine problem or if he's just messing about for some reason. You said 'I wish he would just be honest'.... do you have the feeling he's not been honest so far?

Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 19:51

Yeh I do... because he was in uni the day he said he was too ill to come for a date and (this sounds silly) but I can see when he last checked his messages and it was 5.15pm today... the time he would have left work. Which makes me doubt he's been in been ill all day as he says.

Last time when I tried to back off, he kept pursuing!

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 21/01/2014 20:01

ONE more chance, and that's only because you have high hopes for him. If he cancels again, bin him off.

Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 20:02

Sorry that end part was meant to read "ill in bed all day as he says"

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 21/01/2014 20:04

yep one more chance.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/01/2014 20:04

Does he have anxiety? I tend to cancel things at the last minute due to this.

Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 20:11

I'm not really sure, he is quiet but without outing myself part of his job involves lecturing people so that involves a degree of confidence! It's just so odd as he is constantly texting me.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/01/2014 20:12

I was going to ask if he has anxiety. Otherwise he's just mucking about.

TalisaMaegyr · 21/01/2014 20:23

There are some men like this though, I'm afraid. Tell him to put his money where his mouth is or do one, imo.

Cabrinha · 21/01/2014 20:25

Why have you accepted the lies about ringing and texting on the first date? You may have been out of reception, but that would just send the call to voicemail, and the text would come through later.
The illness thing I might give the benefit of the doubt, but that first date no show is bullshit!
I'd leave well alone, you don't need a liar.

Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 20:26

TalisaMaegyr what do you think the reason is? What does it mean?! It's driving me mad!

OP posts:
Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 20:28

I had been having problems with my phone Cabrinha so wasn't convinced enough to run!

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 21/01/2014 20:28

If I'm honest..... just judging by what you've written here - I'd say he's enjoying keeping you dangling. Who knows why? Some people just like playing games Confused

He's definitely not with someone else and making excuses?

TalisaMaegyr · 21/01/2014 20:30

Someone that stood me up on the actual first date would get very short shrift from me, I'm afraid. I know he said he'd tried to get hold of you Hmm but what was his reason for not turning up the first time?

Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 20:30

No he is definitely single! Whether he has someone else lined up I'm not sure but judging by the amount he's been texting I don't see how he'd have the time to text someone else!

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/01/2014 20:31

You should invent some ludicrous reason why you can't make it on Friday and see what he does.

TalisaMaegyr · 21/01/2014 20:31

You know what I would do? I would back right off and make him chase me. Let HIM see what it feels like to be confused.

Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 20:32

He said he did turn up but couldn't get hold of me, I had gone to a different place prior to the time I had arranged to meet him but as I couldn't get hold of him I never went to where we were supposed to meet. He claims he went there...

OP posts:
Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 20:33

Haha JoinYourPlayfellows I might just do that!

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 21/01/2014 20:34

Hmmm. Something about this doesn't seem right to me. Too many excuses. He should be falling over himself to go out with you.

Original poster
confused2008 · 21/01/2014 20:36

Yeh that's what I thought. Unless he is genuinely ill. This is keeping me up all night! Never had such mixed signals in my life! I have booked hotel for Friday as he asked me to, so I stand to lose money too which is knows.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 21/01/2014 20:38

Well, that's a slightly different spin... why wouldn't you go to the place where you arranged to meet? Who stood who up here? Does he think you were a no show do now he's playing games back? It doesn't sound like a firm date if you didn't go because you couldn't reach him - when your phone was playing up?
Sounds like a waste of your time tbh, but I suppose you could give him one last chance. But mean it. And the same with future dates if he is a no show again - one strike and he's out.