Please help me make sense of this

[confused2008]

I am so confused. Know this guy from uni, we are mature postgrads. Have liked him for a while. We are both quite shy so haven't spoken much, but we had a snog at a mutual friend's party 4 weeks ago.

Since then, we have been texting pretty much constantly, I'm getting all the right signs, he's lovely and I really like him. We haven't been in uni for a while so I haven't seen him much since, but we have arranged 3 dates. Each time, they seemed to have fucked up.

First time, he didn't show and claimed he'd tried ringing and texting but I hadn't got them. I had no signal at the time, so this could be true. 2nd time, he said he was ill. Fair enough, he wasn't in uni for a few days that week but was in on the day we were supposed to be going on our date and seemed fine, however he said he didn't feel up to a date. Ok, benefit of the doubt. Third date arranged for this Friday (I'd like to point out HE has gone out of his way to arrange every date). He has started mentioning how ill he is today, and that he won't be coming into uni tomorrow as he feels so awful. I am clearly thinking he is setting up being too ill for Friday.

After the 2nd time, I told him I was going to back off as I didn't think he was interested. He was insistent he was ill and very much interested. He has been texting me dozens of texts each day and seems keen. When he tried to arrange this date, I said I didn't think he'd come, and once again he responded saying he wouldn't ask if he wasn't going to come.

I don't know, maybe he's genuinely ill? Maybe he's just shy and scared (he is very quiet!). Or maybe he is just keeping me on the side. What should I do? How would you handle this if/when he texts to cancel Friday? I can't exactly accuse him of lying. Am I over thinking it? Please help!

[confused2008]

By far away - I mean too far to get a taxi/bus to late at night (after we have had drinks). On reflection, I shouldn't have booked it!

[msdiamant]

I do not know your age OP but when you are very young and inexperienced makes you do things which you will not like in a few years time. I remember myself in relationships making stupid mistakes but there was no-one to talk to. Now I read your post and think this is probably I would have done something like this in my late teens. I would bin him because of him messing up with dates. I would bin him for asking you to book a hotel. But as I said in my previous post if you do want to have a relationship with this man then you need to play the game and not him. He does not sound that shy and neither innocent. Playing games with your mind and asking you to book a hotel. A true gentleman would not do it on a first date and would not ask his lady to do it.

[confused2008]

I am 23! When I read that post it made me think I have been a complete idiot!

[AnyFucker]

You have, love, sorry

This amount of manpleasing towards someone who sounds very much like a gameplayer is something you will regret when you look back

Not much is lost though just now though (apart from a little dented pride)

Not too late to find your Big Girl Pants and tell him to fuck off with his sniffles and his pissing around, this woman ain't standing for it

< old enough to be your mother >

[msdiamant]

Why do not you both meet up after university and then leave home? First dates should not last the whole night. One or two hours is enough. I am sure he wants more than a chat. Trust me, a decent man would not offere a hotel room for a romantic date.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Sorry OP, this sounds like you are being played. You could tie yourself in knots speculating why, but that would be a waste of your energy...

[msdiamant]

You are still very young OP. I started seeing things diferently when I was 24 but I wish I could learn from someone. If you decide to go for this guy then at least take the game into your hands and cancel the hotel. There are many other options. He can book a hotel room but you meet up somewhere else. He wilk have a shag and that would be it. And you will feel shit. Be a clever girl. You are lucky there is mumsnet. X

[confused2008]

I will go to hotel with my friend, have already asked her. We have planned to have a girly night, even though he hasn't actually cancelled yet I am that certain he is going to.

I feel crap though, I guess I am desperate in all honesty. Feel like I am never going to meet anyone, it sounds silly and I know people will say I'm young but everyone I know is already coupled up, no nice single guys where I live.

[msdiamant]

I meant he can book a hotel room by himself if he wants to meet you but his hotel room should not be for arranging a date. That sounds very romantic but trust us as it is not.
Hey, why do not you cancel the hotel room right now and then tell him you cannot see him because of vomiting virus. Keep in touch with him and tell him you are realky sorry about it. But next time no hotel room. Come up with somehing else.

[angelinajelly]

Sorry OP, I missed the bit about the hotel room before. That is a bit weird, why did he ask you to book it rather than doing it himself? Was he umming and ahhing about travelling the distance and you leapt in and offered to sort the room for him?

I hope this isn't going to sound patronising- it really isn't intended that way. But I so wish I had realised when I was young that I held all the cards. If a man really wants to be with you, and if he's worth having, he'll move heaven and earth to make it happen. But so often it ends up being us doing all the running and making it easy for them. All you do by doing that is remove a useful "dickhead filter" from the process.

[AnyFucker]

Don't be silly. You shouldn't be looking to settle down at your age. Don't you want to use your qualifications to get a great career and widen your social circle ? You can do a lot better than this namby-pamby bollox

[angelinajelly]

And I think the girly night is definitely the best plan- have a good time!

Your friends might all be coupled up now, but they won't always be.

[confused2008]

I am a couple of months away from starting a good job and have a school aged child, so I guess I am not like many 23 y/os. My self esteem is pretty low as I wonder who will be interested in a single mother?!

He asked me to do it as he said I would be better at finding a cheaper room! I know he sounds like an arse because of the hotel thing but irl he seems so shy and sweet! This is probably my naivety I suppose

[AnyFucker]

Yes, it is.

I don't expect you would have seen any money for that hotel room either.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Your plan sounds good confused, you presumably can't cancel hotel room without losing the money so you've arranged a girly night with a friend and if Mr I-feel-rubbish calls on Friday to 'confirm' you put on your best sinusy voice and say so sorry but you're ill ... then go back to the ! He'll understand I'm sure - and you'll have regained some self-respect hopefully enough to bin him off. Oh, and BTW, it's reasonable for him to ask for details of a local hotel in your area - not reasonable for you to book it for him. Independent adults & all that.

[confused2008]

No, no money as of yet. Wonder if he will offer any when it is cancelled. I seriously need to regain some self respect, especially as I will have to seen him at uni!

[SanityClause]

Dates to do that don't require late buses and taxis;

Pub lunch
A nice country walk and drinks at a pub
Afternoon screening of a film
Afternoon visit to an art gallery
Visit to a market/market town
Etc

[Handywoman]

You have so dodged a bullet, OP, have a brilliant girly night!!

[iamonthepursuitofhappiness]

Hmmm, it's all very strange. He is asking you out but cancelling due to illness. Do you know if he has a conditin that makes him ill on a fairly frequent basis (I am thinking Chrohns or similar)?

If he hasn't then I suspect he is dicking about.

[YankeeMum8]

Girly night for sure! I'd keep this one at arm's length for sure. There are plenty of men that are going to want you. If he does show I'd keep it straight friendship and see if it develops. Good luck to you!

[TalisaMaegyr]

You're not a fool, he is. Plenty of men will be interested in you, single mother or not. Don't sell yourself short, you have all the time in the world!

[arfishy]

Is he a lecturer OP? They have form for this sort of behaviour.

[VoyageDeVerity]

He's got a bloody cheek!

Have a great girly night without him!! Sound like 10 x more fun. you will meet someone who adores you and doesn't mess you around.

[msdiamant]

Well, if he does not turn up then good riddance. I hope you indeed have lots of fun on a girly night. Please do not underestimate yourself. You have one child and you do not need a man-child. Do not feel too disappointed if he gets ill again. By the way, he might have posted that photo with medicine on purpose knowing you would be seeing it to make you believe in his illness. I think it is you who is sweet but also naive and he is not. He knows what he is doing. Take care if yourself. 23 is very young.