Please help me make sense of this

[confused2008]

I am so confused. Know this guy from uni, we are mature postgrads. Have liked him for a while. We are both quite shy so haven't spoken much, but we had a snog at a mutual friend's party 4 weeks ago.

Since then, we have been texting pretty much constantly, I'm getting all the right signs, he's lovely and I really like him. We haven't been in uni for a while so I haven't seen him much since, but we have arranged 3 dates. Each time, they seemed to have fucked up.

First time, he didn't show and claimed he'd tried ringing and texting but I hadn't got them. I had no signal at the time, so this could be true. 2nd time, he said he was ill. Fair enough, he wasn't in uni for a few days that week but was in on the day we were supposed to be going on our date and seemed fine, however he said he didn't feel up to a date. Ok, benefit of the doubt. Third date arranged for this Friday (I'd like to point out HE has gone out of his way to arrange every date). He has started mentioning how ill he is today, and that he won't be coming into uni tomorrow as he feels so awful. I am clearly thinking he is setting up being too ill for Friday.

After the 2nd time, I told him I was going to back off as I didn't think he was interested. He was insistent he was ill and very much interested. He has been texting me dozens of texts each day and seems keen. When he tried to arrange this date, I said I didn't think he'd come, and once again he responded saying he wouldn't ask if he wasn't going to come.

I don't know, maybe he's genuinely ill? Maybe he's just shy and scared (he is very quiet!). Or maybe he is just keeping me on the side. What should I do? How would you handle this if/when he texts to cancel Friday? I can't exactly accuse him of lying. Am I over thinking it? Please help!

[TalisaMaegyr]

Have you heard any more from him OP?

[Mellowandfruitful]

Hmm. He gets to decide everything at the last minute, and keep you hanging on (you said, I notice, that with one of the previous attempts at a date it was dependent on what time he got out of a lecture) but doesn't like it when you make any decisions about your own time and how much of it you give to him. Not promising.

Maybe lavender has it right that there is someone else and he is ducking and diving around that. If not then he just likes pulling all the strings and having women arranging their lives to suit him while he makes very little effort - the 'you'll be better at booking a hotel room', from an adult, is pathetic. Actually, that makes me also suspect another relationship, as I can see then why he wouldn't want evidence of booking a hotel room to be connected with him in any way. And indeed why you need a hotel and couldn't have been invited to his place, for instance.

I would continue not replying to texts, and when you do see him at uni, I would be pleasant but say if it gets onto arranging another date that you both have quite stressful and hectic lives so it just doesn't seem like it's meant to be, what a shame.

[Lavenderhoney]

He sounds married to me, or with a ltr.
All this last minute stuff..

It's not worth the stress. Already he is messing with your head.

Just tell him you'll see him for coffee at uni and ignore.

[wyrdyBird]

Cheeky little so and so.

He needs to get it into his head that you don't need time wasters in your life.
And read into it that you mean what you say.

Not another second on this one.

[TalisaMaegyr]

What a prick! Love how he's trying to make YOU out to be unreasonable!

[eddielizzard]

'what he had done to give that impression other than being ill'

err not pitching up to the first THREE dates maybe?

[CailinDana]

He is seriously weird. The "get it into your head" remark is really off - he's basically implying that you're imagining that he's messed you about! Not worth another second of your time.

[gingerpig]

a friend of mine met a bloke who behaved a bit like this. nothing came of it except a dent to her ego. I'd leave it OP and stop engaging with him - for your sake - so you can move on and meet someone else

[confused2008]

He text to say he was still unsure about Friday and could he let me know a few hours before, I said not to worry about it and I had other plans. He asked to rearrange for next week, I said he wouldn't come and he asked what he had done to give that impression other than being ill. Said he wanted me to 'get it into my head' he is interested and not to read into things so much. I haven't given an answer, it's just bizarre I don't understand why he won't just drop it.

[TalisaMaegyr]

So what happened OP?

[msdiamant]

I think OP was meant to stay with a girlfriend?

[lunar1]

I hope you cancelled on him!

[msdiamant]

Hey OP, how are you today? I hope you had a nice evening last night. X

[Custardo]

sounds too complicated - lifes hard enough

[msdiamant]

Mellow is right. Do as she suggest and you will not go wrong.

[Dirtybadger]

As a fellow 23 year old female student. Get rid!

[Mellowandfruitful]

Right - YOU cancel this before he does. Take him up on the hints and first thing tomorrow morning, text to say it's best if you postpone as he doesn't seem well and you have a lot to do. Tell him to contact you when he's properly well. Then go quiet.

If he keeps texting, don't respond - or send one text every couple of days (if that) saying you have been busy with friends, you've had people round to your place for dinner, etc. and you hope he's improving, life is so hectic... that kind of thing. You need to give the message that you are not sitting at home hanging on his every texted word - even if that is closer to the truth.

Whether or not this ultimately works out, he shouldn't get the 'reward' of you waiting around for him. That will only encourage him messing about, either with you or with the next unfortunate woman..

[msdiamant]

It looks as he is going to be ill again. When/if he texts you about it, do not show him you are hurt. Just wish him a fast recovery. Then have fun with your friends.

[cerealqueen]

He has cancelled three dates and should be begging for mercy at your feet...but he isn't. He does, however, love the newfound attention and is milking it.

Tell him you are worth more than his empty protestations, delete, and move on. Please.

[CailinDana]

What would you like to do?

[confused2008]

He's been texting again, but making sure he slips in how ill he feels, which I have totally ignored. No mention of Friday. I'm so pissed off because I have really started to like him, I was so excited last week I had forgotten how it felt to be in these early stages, the butterflies whenever the phone goes off etc. Life is slowly creeping back into mudane shittiness now.

I guess tomorrow is the day he will claim to be ill! I'm not going to get in touch with him tomorrow, but if he does first, do I leave it completely unmentioned or what?

[CailinDana]

Nasty generalisation there SGB. Putting one group of people down to prop another group up is pretty childish.

It sounds to me like he's testing how much he can push you about. Bin him.

Oh ad judge people on how they actually act rather than how other people say they are or how they profess themselves to be. He says he's not messing you about but he is, that's exactly what he's doing.

[SolidGoldBrass]

FFS. Bin this man and don't date anyone for at least a year. You need to sort out your self-esteem otherwise it's going to be one wanker after another for you.
First, it's fine to be single, especially at your age. People who are 'settling down' under about 28 are always very often inadequate, dull and unadventurous. There's a whole world out there to explore - why shut yourself off from it to sit in front of the telly with the same person every night?
Secondly, if you have a child, you need to be a lot more careful about red flags in men. You don't want to end up with one who's actually abusive or dangerous to your child out of desperation not to be single.
Thirdly, if you feel isolated and generally in need of adult company and conversation, look for a group/hobby/club or someting where you can meet other people. There are various hobbies that are quite kid-friendly so you could take your DC along to events as well.