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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU? How long to wait for engagement ring?

72 replies

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 11:38

Just canvasing opinions here...partner of 10 years finally got round to proposing (also just about to have his baby). He's not one for grand romantic gestures and thats fine, plus he's hopelessly disorganised, but 2 months later an engagement ring has yet to appear. I don't really feel like it's official unless there's an (inexpensive) ring.

AIBU to start getting impatient? I sort of snapped the other day and said sod it, lets not bother if you lack this must enthusiasm...like I said, it's not about the monetary value.

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 21/01/2014 11:43

YABU to expect one to appear. Either suggest a shopping date for you both to go together or set a wedding date and get on with it.

Original poster

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 11:48

Thats the thing...he doesn't appear to be arsed to do the joint shopping thing either...I probably sound hideously spoilt.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 21/01/2014 11:53

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I'm quite old fashioned (not particularly old though!) .. when dh proposed he got down on one knee and pulled out a ring he'd saved for 3 months to buy and spent a whole day choosing :) it's one of my happiest memories, not because the ring was particularly expensive or anything - although it is beautiful- but because he put so much effort and though into it all.

I'd definitely be upset with the lack of bothering to want to get a ring.

meditrina · 21/01/2014 11:54

Is this a shopping issue? Unless you are very sure he can select a ring and get the size right, you'd be better off shopping together. So I suggest you just tell him that you don't want to wait indefinitely, and can you decide now a time when you'll both be free and then stick to it. (But as you're pg, are your fingers normal size - you might be better waiting if you want to save the faff of getting it made smaller when you've returned to normal).

Is there any underlying reason why you think it's a commitment issue? Because if so, that needs to be tackled separately, and not projected on to ring shopping (for when you do choose one, you want it to be in happy circumstances without shadow of row).

ConfusedLady8 · 21/01/2014 11:54

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect a ring when someone proposes...I would!!!

Although after 10 years it's not likely to be the big romantic gesture, there's no reason you don't deserve to be made to feel special.

I would tell him that getting engaged is an important moment in any woman's life and could he please, for your sake, try and show some enthusiasm because it makes you feel bad.

Either go shopping together, or find the ring you want and give him the link and the size and let him buy it. Ask him to spring it on you at a time of his own choosing and to give you a nice proposal for your memories.

You sound far from spoiled. It's a special time and nothing wrong with wanting it to be a bit of a romantic moment.

BringMeTea · 21/01/2014 11:57

Congratulations!
You do not sound spoilt at all. I got engaged recently and didn't even tell family until we bought a ring together as I felt it was a bit tweenage to just say we were engaged. That was 2 months between proposal and ring acquisition. Mind you I am in my 40s and no imminent child so maybe it's different.

He could just be a bit lacking in dynamism and not get how important it is to you. Set a date for ring shopping.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/01/2014 11:57

I would tell him you would like a ring, a cheap one, now and after you have had the baby and lots the weight for him to go shopping with you to get your proper engagement ring and both wedding rings. Ask him why has hasn't given you a ring already and the answer should help you somewhat.

Freyalright · 21/01/2014 11:58

Why not break tradition and buy him a ring. Everything seems so predictable these days.

Original poster

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 11:59

I do feel pissed off that it's taken 10 years to get this far. Privately I feel a bit insulted, especially considering I'm having his child, but I try to bury that feeling. He can be very apathetic and to be honest it's sort of killing the whole experience for me. I am willing to put up with it for most things, but not for something as big as this.

OP posts:

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 21/01/2014 12:00

Maybe he just doesn't see the ring as that important? It is just jewellery after all. If it means that much to you, ask him outright why he doesn't seem bothered.

JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 12:01

Have you set a date for the wedding?

Original poster

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 12:05

I have spoken to him how I feel. Initially he told me he'd asked a friend about where he had got his partner's engagement ring (presumably with the intention of getting one?), then he said his mother has loads of jewellery that I may be able to choose from and then finally he said he didn't want to but something without me that I would hate. So I said fine, we'll go together....but every weekend something else comes up and he never mentions 'the ring'.

I really think I can't be arsed with the whole damn thing.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 21/01/2014 12:06

I'd wait until the baby is born. I couldn't wear my rings towards the end, and neither could my mummy friends.

Set a date to go shopping together, get someone to have your lo for a few hours and drag him by his legs shopping for a ring.

My dh proposed to me, but I didn't have a ring, we went shopping shortly after. He didn't want to choose a ring, and let me choose.

Original poster

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 12:06

The wedding day is more of an abstract idea at the moment...

OP posts:

YoungBritishPissArtist · 21/01/2014 12:10

Is this not the 21st century?

Women don't have to wait around for a proposal. If you wanted to get married earlier, why didn't you propose to him?

Tell him you'd like an engagement ring. Be proactive. Show him the one you want online or in a brochure, or go and buy one together.

freedom2011 · 21/01/2014 12:11

Congratulations! I do understand and I did care so I said to DH when we were still dating, this is how we do it in my country. Do not propose to me without a ring. I regret that now a bit even though he did as I wished. But anyway, my point is, clear calm communication and being very specific about my expectations got me what I thought I wanted at that time.

In retrospect, I think I should have followed local custom here. The couple goes shopping for rings together. And both wear them during their engagement on the other hand, which is the left here. They are then swapped to the right hand on the wedding day. The british american fashion for engagement rings is only just becoming popular.

BringMeTea · 21/01/2014 12:15

As you are not holding out for a one carat Cartier ring i think there should be no barrier to you having one.

As someone suggested make a date where than can be no prevaricating or excuses and go together to choose one.

If he won't I would be seriously questioning it. I totally understand why you feel deflated and annoyed. Be brave and best of luck.

cheeseandpineapple · 21/01/2014 12:22

OP, how bloody crass of your bloke. This is special and important to you and he's pissing on your parade. I'd be stewing over this too but I've learned that it doesn't really get me anywhere so as others have suggested you need to be more directive and make it happen. Rather than waiting for him to mention going shopping, find some online pictures of rings you like and email them to him and be excited about the ones you like and say you want to schedule a time to go and look at rings this weekend before your fingers swell up, you can always wear the ring round your neck if needed later. My rings were fine, swelling doesn't affect everyone during pregnancy.

If he's still avoiding going, could it be a money issue?

Also, until you get married or fix a date for wedding, would register your child with your name not his and agree to change it when you all have the same name if you plan to take his.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2014 12:29

Bloody crass and bloody lazy. Ten years with this lukewarm joker??!!! You deserve a medal, not a ring.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2014 12:30

'Abstract' as in 'it ain't gonna happen....'

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2014 12:30

Plan where to go on Saturday and make sure there are at least three shops to walk into. If he drags his feet and says he can't afford one, tell him it's not how much it costs that is important, what is important is that you like it and after all it signifies your love for each other.

JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 12:35

The wedding day is more of an abstract idea at the moment...

Somehow I knew you were going to say this.

I think the lack of a ring is the least of your worries.

Have never understood these engagements where now date for the wedding is set.

Suggest a visit to the priest/vicar/registry office and see how pale he goes...

JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 12:38

I really think I can't be arsed with the whole damn thing.

Can't think anyone would disagree with that.

This is what he's like before you're evening properly engaged? Can you really imagine being married and having kids with him?

Jan45 · 21/01/2014 12:42

If he really wanted to get married, he'd have bought a ring by now. He's stalled for ten years and is still stalling, says it all really.

Original poster

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 12:42

To be fair, I am also not that concerned about a wedding day at the moment - too much else going on. We are both fairly laid back types (obviously him more so). I just feel an engagement makes our relationship a bit more official.

Thing is, he's always been this sort of person, so as my mother has pointed out, I either like it or lump it.

OP posts:

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