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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU? How long to wait for engagement ring?

72 replies

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 11:38

Just canvasing opinions here...partner of 10 years finally got round to proposing (also just about to have his baby). He's not one for grand romantic gestures and thats fine, plus he's hopelessly disorganised, but 2 months later an engagement ring has yet to appear. I don't really feel like it's official unless there's an (inexpensive) ring.

AIBU to start getting impatient? I sort of snapped the other day and said sod it, lets not bother if you lack this must enthusiasm...like I said, it's not about the monetary value.

OP posts:

sarajane231 · 21/01/2014 14:08

redcarrot1 - I'll go against the grain in saying I don't think him waiting 10 years says it all. People are all different, for some people the ring means nothing, for some men they are just not "romantic" and are a bit useless at this stuff which doesn't meant they don't love you or are a bad partner.

However, him ignoring your wishes and wants DOES make him a it of a bad partner and if you sit down and very, very clearly communicate how you feel..in that:

you feel a bit insulted that he took 10 years to propose
you feel a bit upset that you don't have a ring and he doesn't seem that interested in getting one

And he does nothing about it, then tell him to shove it up his backside. Getting married and being committed to someone for life is a massive thing. If he can;t bend his own will occasionally to meet your needs and make you feel good at the moment of engagement he's not going to do any better as the years go on.

I am quite sure he would not have been with you 10 years, and then proposed after all that time if he didn't love you lots. It's just that sometimes people need a kick up the backside to know that loving someone sometimes means doing things you might not feel come naturally, or which might not mean much to you. This is love...actions, not words

ConfusedLady8 · 21/01/2014 14:11

Cog was right...if it's important to you, YABU

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/01/2014 14:18

ConfusedLady8 - I think you really are !

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 21/01/2014 14:24

Why do you feel as though you have to "settle" for this, though? You wanted to get married and he did bugger all about it until you became pregnant, and even then, he proposed with no ring and still hasn't bought one two months later, nor has he discussed a wedding date or a timeline for getting married.

I don't really get that. DP isn't always the most romantic person in the world but when we discussed getting married, I told him I did want a ring and a nice proposal. I also said money isn't important and I don't care if the ring costs a fiver. He listened to what I wanted. Neither of us want a church wedding but we spoke and agreed together what we wanted.

Why is it all what he wants and none of what you want?

Viviennemary · 21/01/2014 14:27

The point is a lot of men don't set a great deal of store by sparkly engagement rings. But if you want a ring then you should have one if your budget allows with a new baby on the way. Just say I'd like a ring please. When can I have one. I'm still waiting on mine to be upgraded after decades. I've lost interest now.

2rebecca · 21/01/2014 14:32

I find the idea of a man making all the decisions very passive as well. We both decided we wanted to get married, and jewellery and when and where was part of that discussion.
I wouldn't have children with a man without being married so if i was pregnant and we were getting married i'd be booking somewhere and marrying in the next few weeks.
Otherwise instead of being a couple who've been together for 10 years without getting married you'll find you've turned into a couple who've been together 15 years without getting married, which suits some people.

noddyholder · 21/01/2014 14:34

What happens to women when they want to get married?

Original poster

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 14:36

TheDoctors Deep down I know you are right....but the more I scream and shout the more apathetic he becomes. It doesn't get me anywhere.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2014 14:37

"I think he was hoping I'd just pick one of his mum's rings and save himself some cash. This is the way he thinks"

And you are with him because...

There is a saying, "mean with money, mean with love"
I think the above is applicable here.

Do you think he will step up to the plate as a father given his overall laid back attitude?.

Original poster

redcarrot1 · 21/01/2014 14:41

He's excited about the baby, but I think he considers me a nag.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2014 14:43

"He's excited about the baby, but I think he considers me a nag".

That is overall not a good sign. I think you will end up doing everything around the house and for your baby too. What surname will the child have, yours or his?.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 21/01/2014 14:51

Screaming and shouting won't help, even though it's often the most tempting thing to do when you're really frustrated (you have my sympathies there). I don't like being shouted at and it often makes me want to do the opposite of whatever I'm being told just because I hate it so much.

You need to sit down when you're both calm and talk it through like adults. Tell him what you want, get him to listen, and then get him to tell you what he wants too. Even if you don't completely agree with each other, it should be possible to come up with a compromise that you're both happy with :)

livingzuid · 21/01/2014 14:53

This was my second marriage; the first had the magic proposal, the ring, the day, the dress blah blah. This time round we agreed it was what we wanted to do. No proposal. No ring. Him and me down the town hall just the two of us as soon as possible tying the knot with our wedding rings from Amazon. Dh didn't even want a ring!

People didn't understand when I said there was no proposal or ring. It wasn't important to me.

But it is important to you. And that's what matters. Would you feel better if plans for the wedding had actually progressed? Some men are utterly rubbish at weddings and all the associated activity.

What is he like in general?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2014 14:59

I don't suppose you had to brainwash him into sharing your bed or 'nag' him into getting you pregnant. Getting engaged after ten years isn't a spur of the moment thing.

I am glad you say he's excited about the baby but hope he realises when people say 'It takes a village to raise a child' they don't mean, so that one of the parents gets to pick and choose when and how he takes a share of parenting. Being disorganised or calling you a nag is an easy cop out for someone only half engaged, (ha! no pun intended).

Jan45 · 21/01/2014 15:09

Calling you a nag is both a cop out and insulting.

IdaClair · 21/01/2014 15:19

Any chance he is giving you a ring for your baby's birth?

Other than that if you would like a ring why not go and buy one? Or if you like, get one you already have and put it on that finger.

I have two rings on that finger and am neither married nor engaged.

Joysmum · 21/01/2014 15:22

When I asked my husband to marry me I told him not to bother with a ring. I already had a perfectly nice ring he'd given me the previous year for my birthday so just switched that onto the other finger.

The money was better spent on other things and I never saw the point of women getting engagement rings and blokes not. Bit of a weird old fashioned possessive gesture of marking out territory in my mind, although I fully appreciate not everyone sees it that way.

BringMeTea · 21/01/2014 15:30

Joysmum
I see your point but that is not the OP's situation. It matters to her. She is going to have their child soon and possibly sees this fact as galvanizing her partner into proposing (for positive reasons). She happily accepted. She expects/wants an engagement ring. She has been clear that it need not be an expensive ring even though she has stated that money is not a problem.

In these circs she is not being unreasonable to be upset at his apparent reluctance and avoidance of making their engagement 'official'.

givemeaclue · 21/01/2014 15:38

Book a lovely restaurant for lunch with ring shopping after, for the weekend. If he won't go, then really the 'engagement'. Needs to be reviewed

FluffyJumper · 21/01/2014 16:21

Shopping before lunch so you can get squiffy whilst admiring your ring!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/01/2014 16:54

Have you asked him why he proposed when he doesn't seem to have any intention of buying you a ring? And you don't seem to have set a date or even discussed the wedding.

My DH is laid back and I didn't think he would ever propose but he did, with a beautiful ring.

I wonder how much input he's going to have in caring for his child or if he's going to expect you to get on with it.

ConfusedLady8 · 21/01/2014 19:49

I misposted earlier...should have said "If it's important to you NO you're not being unreasonable. I am clearly confused :)

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