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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H shown his true colours

79 replies

PPaka · 19/01/2014 17:13

Separated
He cheated and lied and lied
Emotionally Abusive and controlling
Yesterday he seemed to be really trying, he agreed to get stuff fixed in the house, sort out new car etc
This morning he turned
Shouted at ds
Would not stop swearing, then started with the abuse
I'm a shit mother, what the fuck have I been doing all week that I couldn't get the car fixed(no money)
I have no control over ds, because he opened the fridge door, he has no manners( because he wouldn't talk on phone to his mum)
Anyway then he threw ds's sweatshirt in my face- I swear he would have thrown anything
Then he told ds that daddy had to leave because mummy didnt love him anymore. This is after we talked and talked about saying the right thing, being positive, explaining, etc
I just couldn't believe he did it

But ds just said "do you wish you'd never married daddy, cos he's so mean"

Then he starts saying, " you'll be sorry, you'll regret it"

And" you're done"
I left with ds
He's gone now, I've locked the doors, but I don't know where he is, or what he's going to do
He's sending texts saying goodbye, and you win, you can have it all

He's lost it
But I also know from experience that he will calm down and be reasonable

But now what?
I was being really calm and being nicer than he deserved for the sake of peace, and hoping that we would figure it out amicably

I have no money for any more legal advice.

OP posts:
invicta · 19/01/2014 17:15

Go to Citizens Advice Bureau. They will be able to help you.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 17:18

PP, I don't really understand why you keep hoping for the best from this man. Everything you say about him, even from the start, has indicated the complete opposite. It is time for you to wake up now, love.

Original poster
PPaka · 19/01/2014 17:21

Because I don't have the strength, energy or money for a battle

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/01/2014 17:21

Wake up, this man is abusive. When he turns up do not let him and phone the DV unit at the police and tell them that you are now scared of him due to the threats.

ALso as you've mislaid your house keys you need to get all the locks changed tomorrow.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 17:27

I didn't say you should throw more money you don't have at a "battle"

You keep expecting and hoping he will be a different person than he is. It's not going to happen, love. You are not detached while you still allow him to get your hopes up for a good outcome

The only expectation you have from him is that he will make it as difficult as he can. All his actions point to that.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 17:28

should have of him

whitsernam · 19/01/2014 17:28

I understand that helpless feeling.... but you do have the battle, whether or not you feel ready for it. So how to cope? Go to CAB and WA and see how much help might be out there for you.... you have to deal with difficult things that you did not ask for, so start asking for help in RL. If you feel seriously unable to cope, do see your GP because maybe ADs could help you cope, as this is a lot. But you have to fortify yourself. And please don't put it off; many men are more generous early on in a divorce and become more entrenched over time.

Also, find ways to take care of yourself. A hot bath or shower, glass of Wine or making a meal you like, a walk in the sunshine when it's possible - all can help you feel better. Is there a friend you trust? Start talking ....

And good luck.

TinselTownley · 19/01/2014 17:45

So sorry OP. I know all about the explosions and the calm and reasonable. I no longer believe the calm and reasonable is the 'real him'. True colours is an apt expression.

My friend and I, who I have much in common with, were talking about how much we have put up with in the pursuit of stability. A lot. We both came from homes where our parents fought for years, although both eventually ended but not before we'd learnt to be placatory and feel responsible for our horribly abusive fathers.

The sad thing is, of course, that doing so as adults hasn't created stability beyond having a joint income and being a couple in the eyes of the world. In reality, all else has been horrendously unstable. Just as it is for you. He will not change. That is him. He has no respect for you. Do not have him back.

EirikurNoromaour · 19/01/2014 17:50

No more fixing things in the house. He shouldn't know your financial issues or car troubles. He should have nothing whatsoever to do with your business. Give him and inch and he will batter you with it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 18:30

What I'd suggest you do for a while is 'nothing'. No contact. No calls, no visits, no fixing things up or whatever pretence he creates for being in your home. Take some time to gather your strength.

BTW... I don't know how old DS is but he seems to be totally wise to what a shit his father is. I think if you'd have answered 'yes' to his very observant and very brave question, he would have found that easier to understand than this bizarre pantomime he's currently witnessing.

Gather your strength and then contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. They know lots of people like your ex and they will also point you towards solicitors that handle your kind of case.

But, in the meantime, just bar your door (physically as well as metaphorically) and keep him on the other side of it.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 20:21

PP, come back to this thread, love

Don't ignore it then start another one exactly the same in about 3 days time.

Original poster
PPaka · 19/01/2014 20:48

I'm not ignoring at all
I haven't ignored any advice, it's been very helpful
I haven't responded to any of his shit

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 20:49

Glad to hear it Smile

Original poster
PPaka · 19/01/2014 21:32

We have a parents evening meeting with ds's teacher tomorrow Sad

He said he's not going
He also says I have to take him out of the school

I have visions of him turning up and kicking off

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 21:40

Sounds like you need to bring DS's teacher up to speed with what's happening as a first step if there's any chance of aggressive behaviour. Does 'take him out' mean it's an independent school and he's threatening not to pay the fees?

Original poster
PPaka · 19/01/2014 21:41

Exactly cogito

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 21:43

"We"

what is this "we"?

You have a parents evening ?

Go on your own

if he turns up and kicks off, get the staff to call the police

completely ignore any demands to take your dc out of school, he gets to decide fuck-all

Original poster
PPaka · 19/01/2014 21:51

I'm just talking
I'm allowed to be worried and concerned about what's going to happen
Him turning up and kicking off would be an absolute nightmare

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 21:54

Indeed it would. It would be horrific. So what do you do, cancel the parents evening. Agree to go along with the emotional blackmail. Or stand your ground ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 21:54

If you're worried then talk to the school. You're not alone. There are people who will take your side against a bully if you level with them. Say nothing and they can't help

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 21:56

Have you talked to school about what is happening ?

lovemenot · 19/01/2014 21:58

Him turning up and kicking off would be him showing exactly what a gobshite he is.

Detach, detach, detach. You are not responsible for his behaviour. Behave with dignity at all times.

I know it's hard and god knows I know what it's like to have all these thoughts go round and round in your head, don't be too hard on yourself.

Original poster
PPaka · 19/01/2014 22:03

Well I'm not cancelling
It's just the not knowing if he's going to turn up
I doubt very much he will kick off
It's all about appearances with him
Seems he can control himself in front of others

OP posts:
Original poster
PPaka · 19/01/2014 22:06

Not spoken to the school, ds didn't know until today that we were separating
H isn't here much usually, so he didnt notice
The plan was when H got a place we would make a big deal about it- but that plan has gone to pot now

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 22:09

Vanity is his weakness. So prick his bubble if appearances are so important to him. Tell school what he's really like & let them worry about how to deal with it.

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