H shown his true colours

[PPaka]

Separated
He cheated and lied and lied
Emotionally Abusive and controlling
Yesterday he seemed to be really trying, he agreed to get stuff fixed in the house, sort out new car etc
This morning he turned
Shouted at ds
Would not stop swearing, then started with the abuse
I'm a shit mother, what the fuck have I been doing all week that I couldn't get the car fixed(no money)
I have no control over ds, because he opened the fridge door, he has no manners( because he wouldn't talk on phone to his mum)
Anyway then he threw ds's sweatshirt in my face- I swear he would have thrown anything
Then he told ds that daddy had to leave because mummy didnt love him anymore. This is after we talked and talked about saying the right thing, being positive, explaining, etc
I just couldn't believe he did it

But ds just said "do you wish you'd never married daddy, cos he's so mean"

Then he starts saying, " you'll be sorry, you'll regret it"

And" you're done"
I left with ds
He's gone now, I've locked the doors, but I don't know where he is, or what he's going to do
He's sending texts saying goodbye, and you win, you can have it all

He's lost it
But I also know from experience that he will calm down and be reasonable

But now what?
I was being really calm and being nicer than he deserved for the sake of peace, and hoping that we would figure it out amicably

I have no money for any more legal advice.

That's OK, just remember that a week is very little & some of us do like to follow up. It would also save you having to re-explain things if you can keep it all in one thread.

I think what a few people suggested in that thread, which you do have to remember, is that he will NEVER get a place of his own until after you make him leave. All the time he can still stay at the house at weekends he will, he will see no reason why he should bother with the expense & hassle unless he is forced to.

Whether you want it or not, this guy is never going to leave without a fight. He's going to fight for every single thing whether it matters to him or not, because you had the audacity to defy him & that isn't acceptable to him. Plus as I said earlier, image is highly important to him e.g. leaking roof, car broken, yet DS in a private school - what they used to call "mink coat & no knickers", money being spent on the things others see, at the expense of important stuff.

TBH unless your DS has special needs 6 is a very resilient age & better now than older, especially as later on he will learn that the way his father behaves gets him what he wants, and he will end up just like him if you aren't careful. Surely your H would be liable for the 2 terms payment not you? Unless he has managed to make all the bills in your name so you are liable for everything if you separate .

But whatever you do he will NOT keep things civilised unless you comply with what he wants, and what he wants is to stay & you go back to being his whipping boy & put up with his abusive behaviour. Anything else, and he will make your life hell as a punishment if nothing else. What you have to ask yourself is how many years of him treating you like shit all the time makes it worth the year or so of hassle, his strops & tantrums etc that it would take to get him out of your life finally for once and for all. Yes you are scared of what will happen, that's completely reasonable, but now is the best time for your DS as well as you

Oh and regards kicking doors down - if you get a non-molestation order (which as this is DV, should be no problem) then the police will stop him from kicking down the doors to get to the DC that he's soooo concerned about that a) he can't be bothered to call because he has a hangover & is running late or b) stays in bed until lunchtime on his "precious" weekends rather than doing stuff with DS

Ppaka, as someone going through the very raw turmoil of ending an abusive situation as I type, I do appreciate your worries and fears. However, I can't help wondering if you're being entirely honest with yourself. For years, I have clung on wilfully deluding myself things would get better when, deep down, I knew they couldn't. I now realise that I did this because I feel some odd sense of shame about being alone and that I feel a failure for not being able to provide a two parent home for my children. However, it got to the point where nothing was worth the pain and instability. Nothing. You seem to have reached that point but feel unable to go forward. Is that simply because he has brought you down so much or is it because your peace of mind and your son's wellbeing are not at the top of the list for you right now.

Your son would cope with a smaller house and a change of school if you and he could be happy and functional. Plus, his school will require a term's notice - taking you to the end of the summer term - before letting your husband break his contract. That's plenty of time for you to get out, get sorted and make this man decide how he elects to treat his son's education. There are plenty of children in independent schools who go through break ups. There are bursaries available too. Talk to the school immediately. And make the break now.

So sorry you're in such a predicament. I know how awful it is but this has gone way beyond the pale and you are in danger.

Well, he didnt go to work today, I spent all day with the doors locked.
He didnt turn up for the parents thing, but he did let me know
And it was payday and he transferred funds to me. So bills paid for a month.
I don't know where he is and I don't care.

Ds got a blinding report, I'm seriously so relieved and completely blown away by his progress. We had a lovely evening and he didnt mention his father once.

We would boh be liable for payments for the school and it's my address they have so letters would come here

He's sending messages about being sorry and how I deserve more. I'm not responding

Tinsel- I'm not sure I understand your post re my sons well-being
Right now he needs my attention, his father has said and done things that can't be undone, I have to show him that I'm here for him
I'm just trying to get through this the best I can
There's no doubt that my confidence etc is low, but I'm not hoping things will get better with him.
I was always preparing myself for the worst, I've said that to the solicitor.
I'm not really trying to figure out my motives
I honestly thought he needed time for this to sink in, to realise that I meant business and then he would comply. The last weekend has proved that he cannot be trusted and I have to change my approach accordingly.
There will be no more contact. He will not be staying in this house. I'm not even opening my door to him. I will be seeking advice from the CAB tomorrow. I have to protect my son from him

Tonight we did Lego together, we ate together, laughed, sang, watched half of Brave, read his books, did his spellings
All with no fuss and lots of fun.
I'm determined to maintain that environment for my son

Glad you are seeming much stronger today.

Oh that sounds so much more positive, well done .

Well done love! Today was a good day! ((hug))

Okay - good so far.

You need to go to CAB. Get proper advice.

If you are jointly liable for a debt, that doesn't mean that just because the creditor (school) know where you live they will only try to collect from you. They can take your sons father to court.

Lets be honest no school is going to want the publicity of making a parent and their mother homeless because a deadbeat Dad won't pay the fees. If he managed to disappear totally, the school will investigate ways to help you pay the fees (Charity and Bursaries) and let you leave "early" if necessary.

Please do tell the school, all schools like to know what is going on. If things are tense at home it is likely to be reflected in your DS's behaviour, and they can make allowances or help him. It will not be a new situation to any school. Even the best private schools have a lot of experience dealing with family issues.

The school isn't as easy as everyone seems to think

What do you mean by this? Did you speak to the teacher about what's been happening?

How do I prevent him from kicking the door down to get access to his child if I don't play nicely

Firstly, if he kicks a door down, you call the police. Secondly, you don't have to 'play nicely', you just have to agree to reasonable contact unless it is unsafe for your ds to be with him, in which case a court will prevent access.

Bad day today
Pissed off with the whole world
Conspiring against me
Hardly slept last night
V tired

Aw poor you . Have some and to cheer yourself up.

You will get days like this, when everything seems to be conspiring against you. But you will get other days when things go right, so hang on to the memories of those days . And think of how nice it will be when you don't have to put up with his lying, abusive, manipulative ways any longer. Hang in there girl!

Hang in there PPaka x

Made a gp appt at least
Need to get std check too. Oh joy

How are you doing today?

Pretty crap, but thanks for asking
Pmt, and the world is conspiring against me I swear
Done some good things with ds though, he's great

Cannot stop thinking about H
I'm trying to do stuff to keep me occupied, but not really working

No motivation whatsoever

What is your biggest concern at the moment?

It's perfectly normal to have very difficult days when you feel completely zapped of energy.

To be fair, the world isn't conspiring against you so much as you've cut off your own escape routes. Can't afford a solicitor etc. If you believe yourself to be trapped, he's won, and you are trying to kill time being occupied then you will feel depressed and demotivated. There are people that can help you but you have to ask.

Well everywhere I turn I hit a brick wall, and everything I do goes wrong, and every decision is going against me. I have to argue, battle for everything.
Dropping, breaking things, forgetting things. Every letter that comes through the door wants money, every job app is a rejection
I was told yesterday that a job I had 4 interviews for, I came a close third, there were 2 roles.

So excuse me if it feels like the world is conspiring against me

PPaka I do know that feeling very well especially around the job thing - rejection before last was due to a totally unqualified maternity returner being given the job even though she would only work part time, last rejection I was "overqualified" .

But you have to keep going. Take each different aspect of your life separately and deal with them. If anything avoid looking at the whole list of things that must be done to get your life back on an even keel as that WILL be overwhelming, just think about the things you need to do NOW to get yourself and your DS away from this abusive man.

Talk to the school.
Talk to CAB.
Talk to Women's Aid.
Ask your solicitor if she will make an arrangement for you to pay out of any settlement, and if not ask WA for recommendations of one who will.

I've put those on different lines to show they are all different things, to be tackled individually, they don't ALL have to be done together at the same time. Though for your sake, and that of your DS, they do need to be done very soon.

Oh yes, and lay your hands on a copy of Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that" if you haven't already read it.

" I have to argue, battle for everything."

Realise you're doing your best on the job front but you're boxing yourself in by expecting to maintain the exact same lifestyle e.g. the private schooling, on the one hand and wanting to be free of your abusive ex on the other. Freedom comes at a price and maybe you have to set your sights on something more achievable short term?

Cogito, I'm not battling against him, this week I've had to battle against insurance co, to try and get roof fixed

I'm not arguing w H, he's agreed to everything, but I need to get that locked down
This is nothing to do with private schools and making those choices.
It's everything else that's going wrong
I'm just really struggling to get on top of the things that keep piling on me
My 'to do' list is just getting longer and I'm not coping with it
E.g I have to phone HMRC about a rax return( a nil tax return)
and the thought of that just drains me.

Its nothing to do with lifestyle

He's coming round to take ds out at 10
I'm crying and shaking

If you speak to the school they may very well release you early from paying the next two term fees if that would help.

Speaking as an ex bursar.