H shown his true colours

[PPaka]

Separated
He cheated and lied and lied
Emotionally Abusive and controlling
Yesterday he seemed to be really trying, he agreed to get stuff fixed in the house, sort out new car etc
This morning he turned
Shouted at ds
Would not stop swearing, then started with the abuse
I'm a shit mother, what the fuck have I been doing all week that I couldn't get the car fixed(no money)
I have no control over ds, because he opened the fridge door, he has no manners( because he wouldn't talk on phone to his mum)
Anyway then he threw ds's sweatshirt in my face- I swear he would have thrown anything
Then he told ds that daddy had to leave because mummy didnt love him anymore. This is after we talked and talked about saying the right thing, being positive, explaining, etc
I just couldn't believe he did it

But ds just said "do you wish you'd never married daddy, cos he's so mean"

Then he starts saying, " you'll be sorry, you'll regret it"

And" you're done"
I left with ds
He's gone now, I've locked the doors, but I don't know where he is, or what he's going to do
He's sending texts saying goodbye, and you win, you can have it all

He's lost it
But I also know from experience that he will calm down and be reasonable

But now what?
I was being really calm and being nicer than he deserved for the sake of peace, and hoping that we would figure it out amicably

I have no money for any more legal advice.

PP, you have been protecting your abusive ex from the consequences of his actions

This has to stop

Have you sought legal advice at all ?

Yes I have seen a solicitor
But can't afford to take things any further

How have I been protecting him, are you getting me mixed up with someone else ?

When I finally left my ea ex after years of trying to hold it together for the kids stability, my eldests only concern was 'what took you so long' I'd spent years trying to keep it together being miserable and ds had spent years wishing I would leave him!

Wish I had known that....

No< I am going off what you have written here

if you haven't told school what is happening (bearing in mind that a few posts ago you said you fear he may kick off at parents evening or suddenly cut funding) then yes, you are protecting him

and you just told your son today you are separating ?

this has been going on for weeks with your STBX escalating the abuse and attempts to control you ?

I am sorry, love, I can see your defensiveness and I understand it, but you are making so many mistakes it is difficult to simply pat you on the head and say "there there"

it would be wrong to do so

Well AF forgive me if I don't know exactly what to do

I'm just trying to get through the best I can
Thanks so much for telling me I'm making do many mistakes

And could you stop calling me love
It's patronising

ok

"love" is a northern term, not meant to be remotely patronising

I shall stay off your threads in future

all the best x

You can afford to take the divorce further. Maybe not with your current solicitor but one who would agree to defer taking their fees until the final financial settlement is reached

I think it is time to broadcast the truth about this person. Like all abusive men he's relying on your fear to keep you controlled and silent. Speak up and his power over you is gone.

In a similar way with money/school fees etc. If you are frightened of having them withdrawn he has leverage. Once they stop being so important to you he loses his hold.

AF-
I know it's a northern term, I use it myself.
But when used alongside your "I know everything, you know nothing" attitude, it comes across as patronising

It's just not constructive to point out all the mistakes I'm making when you really don't know the background
I could use your help, everyone's help
I'm fucking dying here, my life is falling apart and all I want to do is protect my little boy, and my H shattered that today

I think you protect your little boy best by being properly independent of your STBXH quite honestly. If you build a new life together around what you can provide & treat any maintenance from your XH as a bonus, then he will not be able to threaten that life any more.

PP I work in a school and I would absolutely urge you to tell your ds's teacher what is happening at home. Children talk about it anyway, and all staff are trained to help and support you and your child.

In some cases, with the correct legal backing, some parents are not allowed onto school premises, or to have any contact with their child at school. They really will take this very seriously and will involve police if necessary.

They can also put you in touch with agencies that can help you.

Definitely tell the teachers what the situation is. You don't have to do chapter and verse but you can say that the recent weeks have been very unpleasant, you are trying to protect your DS from some of that but you can't rule out your STBX trying to be disruptive so you'd appreciate them just keeping an eye out and checking anything he says with you.

I also think you should record his behaviour with the police - that won't cost anymore but might help you out later. Can you go and see CAB instead of solicitors?

I will tell the school, it just hasn't been necessary up to now because ds didn't know anything
Cogito I need a job, but it doesn't seem to be that easy
I've been out if the market for 6years and I'm experienced in a very specific field

Well he never goes to the school, so he doesn't talk to them usually, it's just tomorrow

I will talk to CAB and my council have a v good domestic abuse advice centre

If you have to take a job in a different field, take it. If you have to downsize or relocate or put DS in a state school, do it. Let your solicitor prise as much as they can out of the nasty bastard's wallet in the meantime but, if you are independent, he can't do a damn thing.

I'll take anything

Please trust us.

Please listen and commit to doing whatever it takes to get this man out of your lives.

When I escaped from 10 years of pretty much most days being as you described (but his comments towards me only, never DS) the only support I had was MN, and in particular one who PMed me, held my hand and checked in on me from time to time.

That 'one' was AF. What I know know is lightyears away from what I knew then.

I don't know everything, but I do know that you can't change this man, he'll get worse, and will escalate too.

Put your fears, your inner voice, your feelings to one side and do what you have to do to protect your DS and yourself.
Nothing else matters.

Call WA, call the CAB, call anyone.

In short, tell them everything, listen to everything they say and do what they suggest. Even if it terrifies you.

You can't think your way out of this just yet. The abuse has clouded everything you see.

Little steps. Do the parent evening. He'll not kick off, he'll be on show-off nice (if he attends) but he'll be doing this to undermine you.

If he's totally stupid, and does kick off, get the school to call the police and leave it all to them.

Until the FOG has cleared (fear, obligation, guilt) you need everyone here to help you power through this.

You can get through this, just trust us/wa/cab and do what you're advised, and you can't lose.

We know all this seems strange and scary, but many of us don't see any of it like that anymore, we don't get scared anymore cos we know he can't do a thing to us.

Be brave.

PPaka you've had a few threads lately about this shit of a husband of yours, and I thought you'd determined that he's definitely 100% out of your life. He keeps on telling you he's going to change, and each time he does the "Mr Nice" thing then reverts to the bullying bastard he really is.

Yes he will "calm down and be reasonable" until you accept him back in the house, then start off again within a day or two. There is no way he will give up the status of an impressive house (even if it IS falling apart), a wife at home and his DS in private school without a fight, because these are all symbols to him of his importance.

Yes the chances are that your DS will have to leave his private school, that is a luxury very few people can afford let alone separated couples who have 2 homes to run. But you do have to stop thinking about the materialistic things you will be missing out on when (not if!) you divorce him - those things should come well down the list compared to you and your DSs future happiness, I get the feeling you are equating possessions with happiness.

Can I ask why you keep starting new threads rather than pick up the old ones? I could understand it if they were months ago, but the latest post on your previous thread was less than a week ago.

I only ask about the threads because I had to go back & do a search to try to make sure I had the facts clear in my mind, would have been a lot easier if it had been the same thread

Sorry
I started another thread because I thought the other one had died

This is early days for this separation
He doesn't have anywhere to live- I facilitated him coming to the house to see ds, to keep things as normal as possible for ds. He doesn't miss H during the week because he's used to not seeing him.
The plan was to tell ds when H had a place
I'm not prepared to tell ds and go through all that emotion if H hadn't got a permanent place
I was trying to keep it civilised, for all our sakes.
I rock the boat, all hell breaks loose
I want him to be out of my life, but I can't go NC because of ds

I don't care about material things, but I do worry about having a legal bill to pay, with no way to pay it
I have no money, I'm allowed to worry about the roof and the car

The school isn't as easy as everyone seems to think
Right now, it's very important to keep ds on an even keel

His father leaving and changing schools is a bit much
Aside from that, if I took ds out now without notice I'd be liable to pay 2 terms

We don't have an impressive house btw

This morning he turned
Shouted at ds
Would not stop swearing, then started with the abuse

Sadly, this is the 'normal' that you are preserving for DS at the moment. It is in no way keeping him on an even keel. It is not saving him from going through emotions. It is by no stretch of the imagination 'civilised'.

Yes of course I know that
That obviously wasn't part of the plan
So now I have to change the plan
What I'm asking for is help in how to do that

How do I prevent him from kicking the door down to get access to his child if I don't play nicely

Cogito, the scenario you have described is the whole reason I am determined to get through this

You need legal backing in the form of solicitors who specialise in DV and also the police if necessary. Womens Aid 0800 2000 247 can advise you on the former and please don't say 'I can't afford it' because there are ways around it that mean you don't have to pay legal bills in advance. Police DV team (101 non-emergency number) can advise you on how to keep yourself safe and, if you've given them the heads up that there is likely to be any door kicking or similar, they will know what to expect if/when you call 999

Courage.

BTW.... in a known DV situation, no contact is a fully acceptable strategy. DS doesn't miss him anyway during the week and I'm sure wouldn't miss him all that much at weekends either given the man's appalling behaviour.