I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

[SoleSource]

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

I think the mixed messages issue is key.

'You have to stand on your own two feet'

combined with

'you can do this, we have great faith in you and we love you'

is a winner.

Match it with:

'you are a nuisance and not good enough'

is only going to be a disaster.

Very well illustrated, DeckSwabber!

I always think though that I'm doing my bit to break the cycle? So why didn't mine make that decision as yes, they clearly had harsh religious parenting themselves

If they knew how awful it felt, why not do it differently when it was their turn!

We have a lot more role models to choose from - people on the TV, in fiction books, parenting advice columns and books. We see lots of good examples around us to model ourselves on.

Yes Deckswabber we do.

Plus knowing what it feels like is the biggest incentive to NEVER do it the way they did

Again being brought up in a society that devalues women so much can't help an already difficult parent/daughter relationship.

You have a good point here Caitlin, the devaluation of women in general is a bad thing and doesn't help any kind of relationship - especially mother to daughter - in the slightest. I'm fortunate that my mother and her sons excepted, women are highly regarded in my family on both sides (2 nationalities).

I wonder if it's more common for girls to feel invisible than boys?

Probably, it's often easier to browbeat a girl into being compliant. My problem is that far from being invisible, I was far too visible (so she dumped me in boarding school in stead - out of sight and out of mind).

Altogether I think my parents (well, father) thought that they were better parents than their own. My grandfather was evil. My mother's parents were hugely neglectful. My paternal aunt and grandfather (aunts FIL) wanted me to live with them. Everyone could see what was going on. Recently my cousin commented that it is incredible how sane I am (shh I'm not ) I did my best to bring kids up loved and safe. My son married someone who gaslights him and he is subjected to her temper and abuse regularly. He seems to now be living my childhood, though he has the sense to protect his kids, it's not going to end well

AND my mother told me she doesn't understand what my (then) soon to be DH sees in me. 25 years on - he still loves me. On my wedding day my father looked at me in my dress and said "You have no right to wear that" I was wearing a knee length cream wedding dress. Our son was pageboy. Fuck it. Going to take my temper out on some furniture rearranging.

I think my brother had it as bad as me, his first live in partner was physically abusive (and possibly emotionally too) to him - not sure about the ones since.

Although we are estranged I feel as sorry for him as I do frustrated and angry for myself. From the one brief conversation we had I think it took him much longer to confront his demons, plus he has to live with the knowledge of what he did to me.

Just wanted to say I find it too painful to write much about my personal situation, but this thread is so thoughtful and insightful and helpful. I'm sorry so many people have been brought up in these situations, but I am glad I'm not alone as well. to all on here.

its ok Misc - it takes time, & it's ok to take one day at a time.

It has taken me about 2 years to process everything which I had kept submerged inside, the flashbacks/memories/the LACK of normality, of knowing how to do normal things properly, like grooming/tidying etc Not phtting my cosmetic needs first,not choosing something for ME, I had no clue why I was doing the course at uni,hated uni, struggled daily with friendships/isolation while pretending I was fine. Vodka helped...not so much. Failed a postgrad course, mother was horrified. Bullied me verbally for months afterwards, her words were harsh, what would people think of me, doijg nothing with my life etc etc

In the end I buggered off with DH, travelled, worked in really interesting jobs, met fantastic people, all the while inside wondering why the hell they were interested in me etc

i kept her very much at a distance, much to her annoyance. She is still hounding me in my thirties. I just want a peaceful life - which I do have with my own littlefamily - but every day there is some attempt from her,some stupid text or a letter, trying to push her way into my life

what im trying to say is that you must think of YOU now, what you need, feel, want - and in being gentle with yourself daily, you will slowly slowly begin to see a new perspective where the hurt will melt away & you will begin to heal& feel strong again. They dont have the right anymore to hurt us or make us question ourselves to debilitating levels. How dare they!

(yet another long post, sorry)

This thread has been really on my mind for the last few days. altogether, lemony, sicknspan, feltpaperchains, bishbash, solace, thank you so much for posting your kindness and understanding. I find it very hard to discuss this IRL.

I still have lowish contact with each of my DPs so the whole mess is confusing me at the moment. It just seems so shocking that they were like that.

I can see my DD's emotional needs becoming more clearly communicated to me all the time. And (most of the time) I find that it's an absolute pleasure to respond to her. That makes me really struggle to understand why my parents didn't respond normally. So I very much appreciate your solidarity on here. to you all.

CailinDana and other posters who were discussing the emotional damage caused to our parents generation by previous parenting practices- that is definitely something I have wondered about.

I can imagine that parenting practices that cause the baby/child to be 'othered' i.e. not seen as a person with feelings and needs- would make babies/children very vulnerable to bad treatment. Because if the child's expression of their emotions can be easily dismissed it would make it so much easier for those parents so inclined to let their worst instincts have free rein. On the other hand I have every sympathy with those who feel that working out the reason for the bad behaviour does not especially help or excuse it, as we all have free will.

I am wishing everyone all the best and hope that it is of comfort to feel that our own DCs will have a much happier time of it.

random my DM said much the same to DH when we married!

The way I was disregarded by my mother and step father has given me a perfect example of how NOT to parent my dd. however it has also made me emotional needy, paranoid, over sensitive and anxious about my abilities as a mother and any damage that I might inadvertently do my dd. not to mention my difficulties forming and maintaining friendships and other relationships.

It sucks

And none of what my mother allowed is down to generational differences as she's only 17 years older than me. It's down to selfishness. She married a man who didn't want me and went on to create her real family while I cleaned up. One night when she was drunk she confided in me that she'd tried to have me aborted but was too far along. I haven't spoken to her for 2 years since finding the strength to remove her from my life.

I can so relate to all of this. I find that I will hold negative feelings down for such an incredibly long time that when they come out it scares me.
I am measured in that I would/habe never physically hurt anyone but verbally I get so angry after a tear of bottling something up that it surprises whoever its dorected at seems dispropirtionate and is like taking a hacksaw toy relstionships.
I then fall into a shame attack at how I've treated somgone who I love and the cycle continues. Its like I haven't learnt or had modelled effective ways to express feelings.
In this area alone I feel like a 3 yrold.

Random I was on the receiving end of an odd comment from my Mum too. I've posted on MN about what my mum said to me when I was pregnant with DD (who was longed for for about a decade). She told me that if I split up with "this one" that I would be on my own.... I had split with DS's Dad when DS was 2.5yo.

I wonder how any mum could say that to her child, no matter what age they were? Funny thing is, that I am on my own. My fiance died before DD was born.

Years ago, when I got married, my Dad made the "Father of the Bride" speech all about my mum

Oh lemony
If it's any consolation, my fathers speech at my wedding was all about HIS mother in law, who had died 4 mths previously. I was sat there like this

They just get kicks out of being inappropriate & hurtful to their children clearly. What a bunch of idiots.

You know I'm so sad at how many people have posted on this thread.

It is nice though to have other understand just how damaged you are when your childhood was to all intense purposed a "good" one.

When I was younger I tried to run away from my past, move hundreds of miles away, make my decisions etc.

Unfortuneately it didn't work. I repeated the relationship pattern I had with them in my grown up relationships, no friends only users and fair weather friends, abusive relationships etc.

Then the worst thing happened, I became disabled and was all of a sudden catapulted back into a cage where I had to rely on the people who destroyed my childhood, and rely on the abusive bastards I'd surrounded myself with. And so attracted more abusive bastards and from a totally independent adult became exploited and humiliated and abused - all over again.

This time I have to learn and change to rid myself of this prison I'm in. It's not easy but I have to. A horrible example of 'you can run but you can't hide'.

Misc - I'm so sorry to read that. FWIW just from your post I can tell you have the self awareness, intelligence and compassion - tools you need to break away from the script of your upbringing. Let everything be about you and your self preservation.

It's not hard to see why we've developed this independent attitude (to the point of it being detrimental at times).

The people who we do trust are so honoured.

I think I've come a long way and then a new stage of my life comes (at the moment getting my head around being a functional step mother and wife to be) and it triggers so many painful memories and experiences.

But the difference now is that I am an adult with a voice which is heard if I use it and I need to remember that because it helps me to make sense of my past and the unhealthy adults in it.

I too am sad to see that so many of us have been flung out into the world lacking skills and positive reference points to deal with things effectively. The different coping strategies we have adopted to navigate this world are hard won.

I just give myself and all of you massive respect if you have been able to create a home/lead a life free from all the drama/nonsense we grew up with.
to all of us, we rock!

Misc

When I was younger I tried to run away from my past, move hundreds of miles away, make my decisions etc.

Unfortuneately it didn't work. I repeated the relationship pattern I had with them in my grown up relationships, no friends only users and fair weather friends, abusive relationships etc.

I was the same way - hopefully going to break that vicious cycle after keeping away from others or a long time x

Misc

My experience is very similar too. I can't deal with certain things to run away. Makes making any decision now very difficult because I'm never 100% sure that I'm dealing with things in the correct/best way!

Well I can tell from all your replies that you're all lovely if on this long journey not of our making

Sole it was a long while ago and under another name for me but you once helped me a great deal by your insightful caring posts. We're all just typing away from our own individual worlds, yet touch each others lives in great ways without even knowing it xxx

I just got back from my second councelling session (proud emoticon!) and we ended it by agreeing that one of the aims will be to help me step forwards into myself again rather than running hell for the leather in the opposite direction :)

And to do that means learning who I am and the massive gaps I have in pretty much everything about the world.