I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

[SoleSource]

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

I think there are probably almost as many reasons for crap parenting as there are crap parents; some of it is possibly the neglect/abuse cycle repeating its self, some of it is possibly personality (disorder?) based, some is possibly sheer mental and emotional exhaustion...too many to mention.

I've never worked out the root cause behind my mother's issues; she can be very caring/affectionate/involved because she's a mama tiger with the twins - even if their upbringing on the maternal side is also very unhealthy (spoiled rotten and thinking it's a woman's job to wait on them hand and foot) - yet she treated me like crap because she didn't want a girl (and certainly not a defective freak like me - her words).

Andro - since becoming a mum myself it has shocked me to see the differing attitudes people have to boys and girls. I know in my mum's family the four boys got everything they wanted while the five girls were expected to cook clean and provide childcare. My MIL who only had boys made a lot of weird comments when she found out I was having a girl - all very negative. In the end I had to tell her to stop. Again being brought up in a society that devalues women so much can't help an already difficult parent/daughter relationship. I wonder if it's more common for girls to feel invisible than boys?

Under-entitlement was a big problem for me, too. Frustratingly, most of my therapists assumed I had an inflated sense of entitlement (that "I'm fine" mask again ,) and I would have to spend the first few sessions working through their own prejudice! I'm currently negotiating my inner belief that I do not deserve benefits - I'm by no means 'cured' yet, and the harm this does me is real & quantifiable.

I really want lots of posters here to understand that emotional neglect is emotional abuse! Abuse doesn't have to be maliciously & deliberately enacted; there are all sorts of reasons why it happens. The cause doesn't mitigate the effect. (I wish my mother had known this ...)

CailinDana speaks much sense on this thread.

Swimming - no, I have to disagree there isn't a level of emotional neglect in society in general, and this cannot be used as their defence

Behaviour is a choice - they knew well what they were doing, eg my mother was in charge of nspcc issues in her school, but yet at home...

I couldn't say that it is just one of those things in society for people to be emotionally neglectful of their own children - it is a deliberate choice to parent harshly or selfishly

And while I'm sure yes leaving their babies to cry and cry was common, and psychologically damaging how was it that many of my friends homes were calm, warm safe places with parents who didn't create noisy violent arguments with their children over whether the dishes were washed by the children immediately after a meal or not?

Even if you were right, swimming, it wouldn't explain why some parents derived so much pleasure out of causing their children emotional distress.

Agreed with altogether and Folk. Dr Spock's advice caused a lot of miserable episodes for babies of my generation, but wasn't by any means adhered to rigidly. (My own DM, with her many faults, breast-fed for six months on demand, as did other mums who valued their peace!) The commonplace view of children as imperfect little adults, who must be trained & controlled, suited those whose own issues led them to brutality. The majority of parents managed to teach & nurture their kids, regardless.

This is a bit like those websites that claim Victorian children were all emotionally neglected, regularly beaten and strictly constrained. It's rubbish. Loads of Victorian adults were kind & caring towards children, raising them with considerate good humour. It says something that the 'experts' who bully children are the ones who write lengthy books about it! They have to, because they are the ones going against the majority. Sadly, their legacy of words leaves a false impression about parenting strategies of their times.

Garlic - yy to 'those whose own issues led them to brutality'

They did clearly have issues, just reading this thread is evidence that there were plenty of cruel by choice /wilfully neglectful parents out there.

Something rings loudly with me though that I don't particularly have any want or need to try & work out WHY they chose to parent & run our 'home' the way they did

they clearly knew the proper way to do it, but yes, their own issues definitely prevented them from actually implementing correct & safe parenting techniques. They don't deserve my sympathies or empathy right now, given the invisible damage caused.

Big hugs ((())) to all of you

there is such a wide range of experiences on this thread. I do think some of it (my stuff) is forgiveable cultural stuff. Not all of it. Some of it is not.

Hugs and kisses to you all xxx OOO xxx

The sense of not being entitled to anything runs deep with me and really affected my career. I just couldn't take credit for anything I had done. Bosses would find it hard to give me positive feedback because it made me so uncomfortable. I think it was because my mum would always cut me down if I did something well, and would tell me I was greedy and selfish if I did stuff for myself or even if I did stuff for others.

Strangely, I function better when I'm around people who try to take the credit for things I have done - my sense of justice takes over and I and able to say, 'actually, that was something I did well'.

I wonder now if it was because my older (and only) brother was the 'golden child' and got very jealous if I got any attention. This is becoming evident now in my late 40's - my brother wants something to happen and is pressurising my elderly mum. My mum has told me she doesn't like his idea but she 'doesn't want an unhappy son'. I have tried to explain to her that she just needs to say 'no' and that will be the end of it, but she just can't, even though its making her very distressed. The decision my brother wants her to make will have a direct and negative impact on me and my family, so its hard for me to get involved without sounding self-interested, but of course that is when the panic sets in because I've been taught from all early age that my feelings don't count. The stupid thing is that my brother is behaving so badly that everyone thinks he's a dick, so it would be better for him as well if she just said 'no'.

My brother is golden boy too and had (and still has) the monopoly on time, love, attention, praise, recognition, support... His needs and wants were (and still are) paramount and take precedence over mine and my sisters.

It doesn't matter what SOCIETY has decreed as acceptable parenting. It doesn't matter that I know exactly why my Mum was emotionally unavailable.

What matters to me, is that she has never recognised that she had issues and never got help for them. She doesn't even know what 'empathy' is.

I am in the process of sorting out my conflicted feelings about grieving after she dies.

Should I be HAPPY that she's died, not because she has a crappy life limiting illness, but because I won't have to deal with her anymore.

I saw my counsellor yesterday and made him cry when I described each stage of Motors Neurone Disease to him. Whether it was because I showed no emotion or whether it was because mind is not a nice disease, I don't know.

I also believe that karma has come round and bitten her on the arse.

motor and mnd stupid lozenge

I need to catch up on the thread when I'm feeling better. But just wanted a rant if I may. I considered starting my own thread but at least I know you guys will 'get it'

So, I'm ill. I have a chronic illness/disability anyway which first got bad in 2012 when flu kicked it off. This week I have had a very similar bug, I could barely move yesterday, had to crawl to the toilet with DH's help, huge amount of pain, shakes etc.

So I phoned up mum last night to see if, as DH is working today, they might be able to come a little earlier than planned (was going to be lunchtime) and explained how ill I was. She said yes that's fine, but, as usual, they haven't. The bug has gone to my tummy today so I've been parenting from the bathroom and am really frustrated.

They are full of sympathy for my disability which is good but FFS would it kill them to leave just a little earlier rather than stopping at mums for a coffee for an hour. They phone up saying oh we are just leaving now, no sorry or how are you or anything.

Sorry that was an epic rant. I'm just peeved.

I was thinking the other day about how they'll do anything to avoid looking after me/the DCs. I met now-DH when I was 15 16, and the first thing they said was oh well at least we don't need to worry about you anymore. They really meant it.

I KNOW nobody is entitled to help from their parents once they're adults but it still makes me sad that mine don't really seem to be bothered about their grandchildren.

Frugal that is so rude of them.

If it's any consolation, mine have done similar, as if to say they won't be told by me when to do things/what to do/etc. they never helped with DCs - df always made snide comments if it was suggested that they look after the DCs for even an hr so I could nap or pop out. Also comments to my single child free sister, ' oh you're lucky you never had kids'

Etc etc

So frustrating/sad/disappointing

I hope you are ok today - can you just stay in bed anyway & leave DCs with them? After all, they are grandparents & you sound really ill

Caramel - seems like you're another one whose Dm denies everything/can't or won't empathise

It is so common! Are they all narcissists then? Unusual to see so many similar traits in parents surely? If there is a psychologist reading this thread maybe they could offer some kind of explanation, as let's face it, we are all unlikely to EVER receive an explanation/apology/admission of guilt from the culprits themselves

It is so bloody frustrating. Mine is still texting me/calling my landline letting it ring up to 65 times. I want her to leave.me.alone. She's like the bully in the class who just can't leave her victim alone. Low contact & distance & hiding from hearing her voice is all I have at the moment. To engage with her about trivial everyday matters as if nothing happened is to me too fake. I can't do it.

(Sorry for my long posts)

Altogether I wrote a bit upthread about the effect the harsh style of parenting that used to be advocated might have had on parents (my background is in developmental psychology). It is by no means an excuse but it could explain to some extent how widespread the disconnect between parents and adults of this and the last few generations seems to be.

Probably shouldn't have said that, but I don't really mind if people here know who I am...just trying to keep up with privacy protocals in general.

Thank you altogether I'm not feeling so bad now we are just watching DVDs on the sofa.

I do find myself jealous and a bit baffled by friends who have endless childcare from their parents... I can't imagine being that lucky. Again, I know nobody should expect it, but it would be nice to have that kind of a relationship with them.

What I find hard to deal with is now I am grown up and have DCs my Ps don't want to be absent at all. They really want to be involved and I'm made to feel difficult and churlish for not being enthusiastic about them.

I just think - let's not pretend here - you did all you could to n

Bugger!!

All you could to not be hands on. Any emotion was met with a blame rather than sympathy. I always felt told off, naughty and slightly out of favour. "Oh it's Sauce being Sauce"

And now I think - well you weren't that nice to me so why should I hang out with you.

Which is a shame because I know they love me but I just never felt that liked - and my behaviour is so prickly now I completely fulfill that role of difficult child.

Cailin, my maternal grandparents (b. 1900) were kind & well-motivated people, whose love for their children was evident. Like most people of their day, they were avid christians. Bible study was a daily routine; everyone learned tracts of it by heart. This Christianity was a harsh doctrine. Non-compliance is punished by eternal torture; you must lie in the bed you make; turn the other cheek until it bleeds; mouths scrubbed out with soap for unkind words, and so on. While there does seem to be 'something wrong' with my mother, a great deal of her rigidity and compassion failure can be traced directly back to this. She was, basically, taught to suffer with love ... and ended up suffering for it. Her generally lovely parents gave very mixed messages to their children :(

Unfortunately for us, this meant we got mixed messages too.

Frugal, on my first very low key wedding day my Dad said "Well, she's your problem now" and yep I think he did mean it although I'm sure he would say it was a "joke" - the reality is that they washed their hands of me in all ways but financial a couple of decades previous to that.