I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

[SoleSource]

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

Duurrr not MM - MN (Mumsnet).

Just read all the posts up to last night. What an amazing bunch of women

You know, I don't think "victim" is an insult. It wasn't until I grasped that I was/am a victim of dysfunctional parenting that I could engage properly with my therapies. I'm recovering from psychological/emotional injuries sustained as a child; inflicted by my parents. I am their victim, therefore, with injuries requiring treatment.

Which, fortunately, is easier to come by these days than when they were young!

I've been following this thread with interest.
My own parents were fairly detached parents. I never remember being hugged, getting a kiss or being told I was loved. They meant well but emotionally neglected us. No period talks, no relationship discussions nothing that would count as support bar schooling, food and clothing. I was always told to stop being upset, never offered comfort in any situation (that I can remember, I find I can't remember a lot). I was bullied in school, rebelled as a result, did well in exams eventually and went onto do v. well academically. I realised I could connect with my parents at this level at least. I've been in abusive relationships, suffered low-self esteem, depression and anxiety from when I entered my teens.
Like many others here I have a difficult time knowing what I 'like', I've had a lot of counselling which has helped.
When I started counselling I remember describing my childhood as pretty perfect. My parents were strict, but I knew I was loved. They just had a hard time showing me that. Over the years of talking things through I know it really wasn't perfect, having children of my own really brought things to a head for me, especially seeing the rather heavy handed approach that my mother had with my own children. Their emotional needs were so obviously being ignored, I had a glimpse of what it must have been like for me and my siblings.
I come across as being a tough independent woman, but the stress of keeping up that facade has meant many years of depression.
What makes it more complicated is having a child with ASD/aspergers, realising that I have many of those traits myself and then seeing the same in my mother. I'm still trying to process this.
I know now that many of the difficulties I've had have their origins in my upbringing, but it is sobering to see so many others on this thread put into words exactly how I've felt growing up and being an adult.
I hope that everyone else here can get some comfort from this, as I have done, in that strange sort of way that comes from sharing difficult experiences.

I had zero emotional support.
Don't think my mum was intentionally "emotionally abusive" but she was more occupied with her drinking lifestyle so we just didn't get any attention.

I cannot ask anyone for help. The thought of it makes me clam up and get so embarrassed.

I am very independent and self sufficient. I find it really uncomfortable and awkward when people try to do things for me.

I'm notorious amongst my friends for not dealing with my emotions!
I do not open up to anyone, ever. Only on here have I ever opened up and even that made me feel really uncomfortable.

And yes to the no hugging. Have never hugged my mum. Have only really started being comfortable hugging my friends

I always used to say I had never rebelled......then recently one of my friends pointed out that I got pregnant at 17.....
One of the few pieces of parental advice I ever got was to keep my legs shut. Best 'mistake' I never made!

MrCabDriver your post struck many a chord with me. I could have written your lines about not asking for help/ self sufficiency/notoriety for avoiding emotions. for you.

Delurking to say hi and thanks to everyone who has posted. I could have written so many of these posts and up until tonight I've never really looked and analysed my own situation. I've always put it down to 'well that's just how I am'.

My upbringing was good. Fed, watered, dressed, educated, but can only ever remember my mum hugging me once on the night my dad left when I was a teenager. No emotions. Not talks about anything personal. I kept myself to myself and spent so much of my teenage year in my bedroom. Dad was a workaholic.

I'm fiercely independent. Will never ask for help. Find it awkward when friends talk about feelings or ask questions about my childhood. I've made some amazing friends over the years whom I have opened up to a certain extent on occasions in conversations, but I'd never instigate those chats and still find them very uncomfortable.

Married to a lovely dh who just accepts me as I am! I am loving but not gushing with him and could probably be described as a bit chilly! I'm very black and white & matter of fact. My friends joke about it, how 'straightforward' I am. In contrast I'm super affectionate with the dc. Always hugging and kissing them and love that dd want's to chat about anything and everything even at her young age.

So thank you to you all for giving me the insight to think about why I am this way and how I can try to adjust in my relationships with others.

Smartiepants - you have just described me.

Thank you Sick - you too.

I totally agree smartie pants. I've never thought about it either.

I just came across the thread, started reading and thought wow. ..that's me!

Every partner I've had has complained about my "coldness" !

Yep me too. Possibly the most useful thread I've read on here. What terrifies me is the effect I could inadvertently have on my dc. I've never seen myself as having a 'problem' as such, and it's only after meeting people who are so not like me that I think I probably do need to work on how I interact with other adults, particularly those I'm closest too.

I'm also def guilty of a general lack of empathy to others, particularly with illness or people having a 'bad day' and can often be heard muttering 'oh fgs, just get on with it!'

Loads of food for thought there. Thanks.

What a great thread. So sorry to hear from you all who have had such awful experiences

I was not abused but had no emotional support. As a child I was often ganged up on by my sister whenever other children were there. I was always terrified of cousins or other families where the adults would get together and with the children, the game would be to gang up on me. I used to try to hide and run away and get away from it all but they enjoyed it and would find me and continue to torment me. I would always end up getting a bollocking from my mother for not playing nicely with the others. I was always trying so hard not to cry as I knew it would make my mum furious and scuttling around strange houses trying to find hiding places.
I had lichen sclerosis (I found out years later) and didn't tell anyone because I would be told off. It was excruciating at times and I was very ashamed.
I tried to tell my mum about my periods 6 times in 6 months when I was 13 and couldn't get it out. Eventually when I did tell her, as if it was the first, it was because I was exhausted and skint with buying sanpro in secret and finding ways of hiding it and I hoped she would deal with that, just put stuff in the bathroom or something. Instead I still had to ask and I found that so hard I went back to getting my own. (the other reason I knew I had to tell her was I was afraid she would be hurt when she realised I must have started)
I was bullied at school and knew not to talk about it at home as it would be understood to be my fault.
I had serious mental health issues from about 15 onwards and it literally did not occur to me to attempt to tell anyone anything.
When I was 20 my newly ex bf (whom I was still in love with and thought we would get back together) killed himself. I lost the plot. I fell apart and had no help at all. One day my mum walked into the room and found me crying, playing the piano, I was usually crying and played the piano a lot to attempt to distract myself. I remember how cross she was when she snapped again and again, "What's the matter?" and I couldn't speak for crying. I didn't even know.
I always had to pretend everything was fine even when I was suicidal.

Various other things happened to do with having no self esteem and no balance.

Nowadays I assume whenever anything happens that everyone thinks it is my fault. I assume whenever any resources are being discussed that I won't get any. I struggle to ask for what I need and even at work when I am only thinking what I need to do my job, I over think massively asking for anything. I have no inner sense that what I need matters. I struggle massively with anger because there is another inner voice that thinks fuck this noise, I am a person too, and the one that is telling it to shut up and the "fuck this" voice are always always fighting and it is unresolved and leads to massive anger issues

I look alright from the the outside, probably only dp knows I am a massive fuck up and I am always afraid he will get sick of it and leave (although he benefits from it too as I do not assert my needs)

:-(
I learned about basic "how the normal life should looks like from books"

Unfortunately I hate to admit I've read to many wrong one

I've always had wrong expectations
It is a very hard lesson which never end!

Just thought of a couple more. I was knocked off my bike when I was about 10 or 11. I wasn't injured, but the bike was damaged. I was cycling up the main road and a stationary car pulled out from a side street into me. No idea what he was thinking, I think he probably thought he had enough time afterall, and I sped up so he wasn't waiting so long...

He got out of the car to check I was ok, a couple of passersby stopped to check I was ok but I didn't want to tell my parents because I didn't want to get told off for damaging my bike. I walked the bike home, my parents noticed, I had to explain exactly what happened. I was told off. It wasn't even a shock response followed by cuddles and are you ok? The latter part didn't happen. My parents were more concerned I might have inconvenienced an adult.

Another time, I was 17 and had gone to the pub with a friend of mine. She had wanted to meet a boy from a sailing club she was a member of and take a friend for support. He also took a friend. A really ugly boy I definitely wasn't flirting with. My friend and the boy disappeared for "a few minutes" - god knows where, never found out. I was left on my own with the other boy until closing when I had no choice but to leave the pub with him after realising my friend wasn't returning after all. He dragged me off the street behind the pub and tried to force himself on me. I managed to get away. I told my mum and she told me it was my own fault for being in a pub with a boy in the first place.

Duskandshiver for you.
You say at the start of your post you weren't abused, but it's painful reading...
It certainly sounds neglectful.

I've come to the conclusion in my own life that emotional neglect is abusive in its way. Certainly the effects are painful and far-reaching.

It's a refusal to engage with a necessary part of parenting. They didn't do what parents were supposed to do...

Folkgirl, when I fell off my bike as a child my mum was annoyed I ripped my coat. And laughed at the fact she was worried about my coat and not me.

It's just not how parents should react...

Is there not a level of emotional neglect in our society, generally, expressed through the absence of "the feminine" in some specific but undefined way? All these body disorders and so forth ...

I am also thinking that the people who have posted should not be ashamed of their suffering, but be clear that perhaps they have seen a truth that nobody else wants to see.

By coincidence yesterday, I picked off a book from my bookshelf called "Conscious Femininity" by Marion Woodman, which I have not looked at for years. She is an aged analysist in the Jungian tradition I think. Anyway, it made strange reading, as I saw so many revelatory passages. Just wanted to share this now (and I would really recommend this book).

x

But none of what I have just said is meant to detract from the personal experiences of people or what they have been through.

I wonder how much of this rubbish parenting is down to the general culture of parenting at the time? I know when I was born the attitude where I lived was that children were manipulative and you had to show them who's boss. Babies were only to be fed four hourly and put in their own cot from birth. It's only my own half-baked theory but I imagine listening to your baby scream and scream and feeling like you're "not allowed" to comfort them must be torturous and do some sort of psychological damage, not just to the child but to the parent too. I think it's likely that a parent in that situation would feel helpless and angry when faced with their crying child. It would stand to reason that over time the parent would develop a strong aversion to their child showing emotion and even start to hate the child for crying so much even though they did everything "right."As the child grows up the standard response of the parent to the child being upset would be to ignore them, tell them to stop or get angry at them.

I accept that some people would be shit parents no matter what. But I know a few older people who seem normal and kind but have atrocious relationships with their children. A couple have said they put their newborns in a cot, closed the door and didn't return till morning because that's what you did. To separate yourself from your tiny helpless baby like that and just ignore their screaming takes a lot of emotional gymnastics that can't be good for you. I can see it having a huge impact on the whole relationship.

I wonder if current and future generations, brought up in a less harsh way, will be emtionally healthier and have a better relationship with their parents?

X-post with you swimming. I definitely think shit practises like not letting mothers hold stillborn babies, putting newborns in the hospital nursery and not allowing mothers to feed them on demand, as well as the other crappy parenting theories I mentioned definitely denied feminine instinct. Everything seemed to be geared towards breaking that strong bond between mother and child. Why? Because men didn't understand it or were jealous of it? Because men wanted women to be available to service them rather than a child? Whatever it was I absolutely do not think any healthy mother left to her own devices would ever ignore her baby's cries.

CailinDana, I think there is a lot of truth in all that. I think my mother honestly did her best and my father didn't even know that anything was expected of him.
On the other side of my strict upbringing, I have been thinking a lot lately about how absolutely fucking awful some (most?) counter-cultural parents must have been. I would love to know what happened to their children although I am sure it is often very sad. Neal Cassady - the model for Dean Moriarty in On the Road - had 3 wives and 3 children and when he was 40-odd he took a 19 year old man aside and said (I paraphase) "don't do what I did, 20 years of fast living have taken their toll and my kids are all screwed up". he died not long after. His children must be a bit older than my sister and I dread to think what their childhoods must have been like and I wonder how they are now. It's sad that he knew his children were "all screwed up" - tho not sadder than that they were.

Anyway my mum didn't go off and take drugs and neither did my dad, leaving my mum with us with no money. We had food, heat, education and boundaries. Better than nothing and a lot better than many of the time

I feel sad for those mothers too though Duck. I definitely get the sense from my mother and MIL that they envy the fact that I'm "allowed" to "mollycoddle" my children. Of course what "mollycoddle" means simply responding to them, treating them with kindness and respect. My mother only had 3 months' maternity leave - it must have been hard for her to leave such a young baby for 40 hours a week. To do that without it crushing you requires a certain amount of detachment I think.

yes and of course they had no help from their husbands and were expected to exalt their comfort at all times.

One of the posters said that her mother was unhealthily reliant on her children for her own emotional support. My mum definitely wasn't like that with us, but having so little support of a practical or emotional nature from my dad, she didn't have much to spare. She in no way expected us to look after her, but she needed us to get out of her space and headspace to make sure she was "doing her job" vis a vis making sure that there would be ZERO demands on my dad