he lasted longer than i thought

[wontletmesignin]

I sent him packing in early november. He was very EA to me and my dc.

I have had NC at all since then. He has tried, but i ignored at all costs.
When i got the non-molestation order, he breached it and ended up being arrested.
Pleaded not guilty and so waiting for trial.

Anyway, since the arrest i havent heard a thing. Peaceful to say the least.

Only yesterday he subscribed to my youtube channel.
I dont really use it. It just popped up in my inbox saying he has subscribed.

Im quite shocked, considering we should be looking at going to trial sometime this month.

He is not allowed to contact me in any way, shape or form.
Which is quite annoying, as technically he hasnt contacted me.

Do you think this is worth mentioning, or should i just leave it. I guess i should expect some form of contact very soon as he couldnt resist the urge to click on 'subscribe' which is just pathetic in my eyes.

Maybe his way of saying "im still here"

So my question is: do i wait for the actual contact, or mention something now to stop it going further.
Which it may actually not. Fingers crossed he just leaves it at that

I don't know if this is going to help, but one guy (let's call him Joe Bloggs) got a job once by dint of putting his own name, elements of his CV and something like "you're got to hire Joe Bloggs!", on a webpage that was heavy with metatags of the guy he'd hoped would hire him (let's call him Fred Munster), knowing that if Fred Munster ever did a google on himself, he'd get an instant advert of Joe Bloggs.

I truly believe your ex knew you'd get the notification and it would bother you.

Good luck, keep yourself save.

Of course he did. He's trying to get to you through every possible way - including YouTube! Which is why you must be firm and strong and not play his twisted little games.

He must have done really. On my youtube page it wad plain to see that i didnt use it. So it was obvious that he wouldnt get anything out of it. The only thing that could be achieved was to have me think about him again and wonder what his next move would be.

Job done for him.
Job done for me when i deleted youtube. The tool!

Just read the rest (sorry, I felt I had to respond quickly), and Ex's mum is a piece of work!

I think I remember your previous fred, definitely the bit about the smoking and the criminals. But even without those factors, the way they've raised their own son to be proves they're bad parents.

I'm sure you know this by now, but there is no such thing as grandparental rights. The rights are for the child alone, and it is clearly not in your DS's best interests to be anywhere near these people.

As to the social worker, I've been following another fred (about a woman who's staying in a refuge with her two DDs, after her ex finally made the mistake of kicking off in a doctor's surgery in front of witnesses). There's a lot about bad (or even just clueless) social workers on there which might be encouraging to you. In a nutshell, they can't force you to hand over your child, only a court order can. Please do give that fred a read. Sorry, I don't have a link to it, perhaps somebody might come along with it.

Hope the police visit went well. Feel free to Pm if you need to talk more.

But every time you don't respond, You Win.

And every time you report their harrassment, you're building up the case. Again, You Win.

Keep strong!

Thanx. I am going to try and find that thread after ive posted this.

I am so worried about the SWs as i feel they are always waiting for you to make that wrog move.
She phoned me today to arrange a core meeting, which is next week.

As for the police visit. She said she did make the phone calls and texts as she was told from the SW it would be good of me if i could arrange some form of contact between ds and GPs, and told her to call me.
The officer says GM is now going to get in touch with the SW to let her know that i sent the police.

Which i feel terrible about and now overly worried that the SW is going to think very little of me, and point her into their favour.

Thank you. Off to find that thread

Found it. Shitting myself now ha.

I really worry that they dont believe i am doing a good enough job.

I dont take them out enough, i know that. I blame the weather at the minute. But i suppose in SW eyes, that is no excuse.

I asked the nursery head today if she had any concerns and she said no. As far as she is concerned my ds is clean, happy, healthy and well dressed, always in nursery on time etc.

I know the school have no problems with my other dc. Apart from dd being a lil bad tempered, which she is currently in therapy for.

It's normal that you are afraid of what the SW will say. But your ex and his family are harrassing you and threatening you. If the SW asks you why you refuse to talk to your ex's mother, calmly tell her why. Tell her that this woman tried to kidnap your son, and that her home environment is clearly unhealthy for a child.

Very glad you didn't respond. What a piece of work your MiL is that she keeps harassing you like that. Don't feel bad for her. It is just emotional blackmail, she is doing it on purpose.

Also - there is a difference between calling you to are if you can arrange contact. And harressing you with multiple texts, calls, emotional blackmail, friends calling, etc, etc.
Tell SW that you have not ruled out contact in the future, but after the court case and when things have calmed down as you fear she will abduct your child again and if her son finds out he will put pressure on her.

What TheCat said. She is using emotional blackmail, getting others to also emotionally blackmail you and also hounding you with texts. That isn't simply requesting visitation.

Does the SW know she kidnapped your DS? I would be very surprised to hear if she did, and knew also about the way she is bothering you if she did look unfavourably on you.

You are doing really well. Stay strong and keep up the no contact!

I wouldn't worry.
Not taking them out is not bad, really, particularly if the weather is bad, and they already go to nursery and school.
Don't stress it.

As for them, as pointed out earlier, a genuine request for contact would have gone through solicitor preferably via letter, or even to you, but requesting to see the children for X time, in Y conditions, would you please agree? Preferably with an apology for his behaviour and stating that she'd very much like to continue to see the children.
Regardless, you're perfectly within your rights to wait until contact (or not) with the father is defined before dealing with other relatives.

Thank you all. You are all right, really.

She hasnt gone about arranging contact in the right way. Its not that im being awkward about it (which i feel).

She also hasnt apologised for her sons behaviour, nor has she apologised for taking my son!!

I have told the SW that she had taken him. But it was quickly over the phone, where she shot me down and told me she thinks i should consider keeping links with that side.

I will explain more in the meeting on wednesday.

I really am going to try and stop worrying, and keep reminding myself i have done nothing wrong. That is hard though as SW is right...why did i stay for so long if it was that bad.
I honestly thought he had MH issues, and i thought i was helping him. Piece of shit that he is!

You need to tell the SW why you don't want to talk to your ex's mother: because she threatened to kidnap your child, and because her home environment is incredibly dysfunctional. Tell her that it's not that you don't want your child to keep links with that side, but that they are behaving abusively and you must protect your child.

All this calmly, clearly, and in detail.

And if she asks why you staid for so long, you tell her the truth - you loved your partner, thought he had mental health issues, and wanted to help him. And slowly you realised that it wasn't a matter of his having mental health problems, but rather that he and his family were abusive.

That is hard though as SW is right...why did i stay for so long if it was that bad.

I am shocked that a SW would say that, if she knows anything about DV and abuse. Sometimes the worst it is, the more difficult it is to get out!
You could point it out to her, without confronting her, that it was how you felt as well, that it was so difficult to see a way out... as many other women in seriously abusive situations do (and as you have realised since then, via WA, MN, etc).

Yes thank you distance. I will. Its the truth. Its just scary how much power SS have.

Thats what i thought lweji. I was shocked too as id had a good talk with my therapist at the start, and DV people from the police.

They all said the same thing. My therapist says it has been extreme manipulation.
Some things i am only just seeing clearly now. Like things dawn on me about how what i thought was innocent at the time, was clear manipulation.
Going off my logic head, id say that would be normal for somebody living in an environment like that.

Although he was the same with my kids, it was mostly me who got it. I even said to my therapist, i could take it all day long -but i cant sit and watch him be thay way with my children.
His harshness with them in the past, he managed to blend in as if he was doing it for their good.
Like he stopped them playing out. But there was bullies in the street who targeted my ds.
My ds could handle it well, and never wanted to stay in and i was proud of him for that.
However, my ex said i wasnt being a good mother for allowing him to continue going out. So i worried about being a good parent and listened.

It was when we moved here, and all of those little stories that made a little sense, started to sound like nonsense.

Then because me and my dc started questioning him and going against him. He became more angry and a lot more nasty. Especially to my dc.
That is when i acted and i came on here. Asking if he should apologise to my dd.

As soon as i had outsiders telling me what i originally thought - i acted. He was gone the day after i made the thread. That was simply so the kids were at school and not here!

I really dont believe i have done anything wrong

I had also tried leaving in the past, a few times. I was threatened he would take my son or he would kill himself. Even having a knife to his throat on one occasion.

Promised therapy and the likes.

My fears were proven when i did finally stand up for myself and he took my ds.

Sorry for the length!!

God, Wont. You are such a brave woman.

You have a therapist and have reported the abuse. Please continue to do so. And please tell people - including the SW - about all this. Abusers thrive on silence.

I'm also amazed that the SW thinks you should 'keep links with that side ofthe family' - why? Why on earth would you want that manipulation, risk, and abuse to be visited on your dc? Do as Distance says and state it calmly, why you don't want them to have access. After all, SW should also be protecting your child! Not taking their wants into consideration.

Thank you. I will keep talking to them about this.

I have always stood by the truth. I dont think you can fail when you do. No matter how bad it may sound.

You are right captain, why would i want to maintain any kind of relationships with these people.

Even for my sons sake. He isnt really going to gain anything from a relationship with them.
If anything, it will make him question the whereabouts of his dad more.
Now if they want me to cease contact with him altogether, then doesnt it make sense to cut off from his parents too. Especially when they dont bring many positives to his life.

Yes, the SW should be protecting my child also. It seems to me that she doesnt understand it all properly yet.