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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband had an 18mth affair

76 replies

Whatnow2014 · 18/01/2014 23:40

I discovered in Oct 2013 that my husband of 6.5yrs had been having an affair for the last 18mths.

I found out he didn't confess. We have 3 kids under 6.

I can admit that we weren't getting on well before he started that affair. Me at home with 3 under 4 - possibly PND. I gained weight and in turn lost my sex drive. HOWEVER, none of that justifies him having an affair.

We both wanted to give us another go and immediately started counselling. All going great until start of this year. I just can't stop thinking about what he did. I don't know how / if I will ever be able to forgive/trust him again.

We are getting on really well, best in years. Sex is great. But.... Am I expecting too much too soon? Am I off my rocker for wanting to give it another go?

I would really appreciate some advice from anyone that has been through this.

Thanks

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 00:00

As you only found out in October all I would say to you is to give it time because you are going to get really and properly angry at some point. You've gone through the initial shock, then you've had the relief that he chose you over her & now you're in the phase that's sometimes called 'hysterical bonding' i.e. great sex so that he keeps choosing to stay with you. It's all adrenaline so far.

You won't be able to stop thinking about what he did for a long, long time I'm afraid. 18 months is not some accidental ONS or a bit of a mistake. It took cunning, deceit, planning, lies, lies, lies.... and for all you know it could still be going on under your very nose. After all, he didn't tell you about it in a fit of remorse, you had to find out the hard way. He had no intention of giving the other person up.

So from here you can expect to feel anger, resentment, upset and your self-esteem.... and you're already blaming yourself ... is not going to improve. Not going to say you're off your rocker but never forget you have choices. Even if you want to forgive, you may be simple unable to... and that would be OK.

str8tothepoint · 19/01/2014 11:43

Sorry but he's a horrible person. 18 months isn't exactly a short time. Sex you can get anywhere, but trust and love you can't.

He chose to do it nobody held a gun to his head plus what's stopping him from doing it again or like said carrying on with OW. Don't be manipulated by his emotions on taking him back under pressure.

I think you should call it quits. Sorry be harsh. Good luck in however things go for you x

Doha · 19/01/2014 12:53

18 moths is not some little fling but a well planned thought out relationship with an OW. A lot of family time and no doubt family money would have been spent in that time. He is neither a good dad nor a good H. What would have happened if you hadn't found out?
In these circumstances l could not forgive or forget the deception over the 18 months--the trust for me would be forever gone. I would not have a relationship where l wold be wondering where is he every time he was out. He would be out on his ear long ago.

Original poster

Whatnow2014 · 19/01/2014 14:29

Thanks for the replies. But have any of you been through this? If this same thing had happened to a friend I'd also be saying kick him out. But it's different when it's actually you all this is happening to.

It is a long time but I know he is no longer seeing her. There was no wooing. She was basically a shag. They never went out together. He never took her for dinner, bought her flowers. But.... Sounds like I'm trying to justify my actions in staying with him.

We've been together for over 10yrs, most if those great. Do I not owe it to myself and my kids to give it another go?

Ending it won't ease my pain. I'm very confused

OP posts:

tessa6 · 19/01/2014 14:34

Forget about judgement and forget about what you 'owe'. Your method of discovery is a negative, I'm afraid, there's generally more hope if someone confesses.

How you are feeling is completely normal. And it is a very very hard path to go down, even though it feels easier at the time than the huge trouble of breaking up. This is early days. Be kind to yourself. I'm sorry this happened to you,

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 14:58

Definitely be kind to yourself. It is very normal and fully understandable to think the worst possible outcome would be to split up. The grim reality of living with the aftermath of infidelity, however, cannot be overstated. The thing you really want, of course, is to wind back the clock and for it never to have happened. In the absence of that your choices are baldly 'a rock' or 'a hard place'.

Twinklestein · 19/01/2014 15:20

I don't think you're crazy to try and give it another go, but whether that's possible is another matter.

Some couples manage to rebuild after infidelity and go on to build a stronger relationship, although they are in the minority (around 30%). It's not possible for anyone to advise whether it's viable in your case, because it depends so much on the individuals involved, particularly how much time and effort the adulterer is prepared to put into repairing the relationship.

Good luck.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 19/01/2014 15:51

So sorry you are going through this , found out in November that my partner has had a couple of ons so have some understanding how you are feeling.

elmerelephant · 19/01/2014 16:01

My OH had a sexting relationship 18 months ago, we agreed to try again, and only this month has it not been on my mind all day every day, I think I now can say that I am starting to get over it and live a more normal life.
So be prepared for it to take quite a while before you process all the emotions, good luck.

familyscapegoat · 19/01/2014 16:37

Yes I've forgiven an affair. My life for the past few years is nothing like some people are describing here. I am personally happier than I've ever been in life generally and my marriage is a very happy one too.

For me, the key was the changes my husband made to his behaviour and attitudes.

By all means search my posts because I tend to write the same thing on threads like these.

I would be very wary of taking too many of the negative posts to heart. I've found the most negative posts on affair threads come from people who might have suffered infidelity, but whose partners weren't willing to end the affair or association and commit to the marriage. So the choice wasn't exclusively theirs to end the marriage. That can colour responses even if they are well-intentioned.

Your circumstances sound different, but they sound different to mine too so what worked for us might not be helpful or resonant either.

I will tell you however that at 3 months I was still coming to a decision and had no expectation of either of us to be over it or certain of the future.

Fairenuff · 19/01/2014 22:32

The trouble is, he is not the man you thought he was. That changes everything.

You don't know about any previous affairs, you can only wonder. Your whole relationship has been a lie.

If you want to continue together, you have to treat this as a completely new relationship, having just met and getting to know each other.

What would you do if you just started seeing him and he told you he had cheated on his wife for 18 months before being found out. Would there be another date, or would you run for the hills.

You owe him nothing. Your children will be happy if you are happy, miserable if you are miserable. Whether you are with him or not. Work on deciding what you want first, without considering everyone else. Then you have a starting point.

Namechanger102 · 19/01/2014 23:26

Exacly what Familyscapegoat said. Word for word.

It is possible to have a better marriage after an affair but not the same marriage. I think excellent therapy as a couple and probably for him as an individual are useful. I found it took 2 years and all through that time I had periods where I sometimes wished I had taken the easier option of ending the marriage. Our marriage now is better than it's ever been and so is both of our self-esteem.

People are human. Sometimes we do horrible things and make dreadful mistakes and awful decisions. I think there are very few things that are completely unforgiveable if someone is willing to take responsibility for their own mistakes, is genuinely sorry and does everything they can to put things right in the future.

You always have choices OP. But I think it's important to do what you want to do and not what you think you ought to do.

ConfusedLady8 · 19/01/2014 23:33

Namechanger102 said exactly what I would have said. I also agree with the first poster that the initial period after someone you love really, really hurts you is a time of shock where you have no idea what you really think and feel. After the adrenaline wears off you'll know your own real feelings and if you find after the pain he caused, you just don't want to be married to him no one could blame you.

I think this is one of those situations where it's easy to give an opinion but it always feel so different when you are living it. It takes such a lot of time to work out what you want when you have been blindsided like that. Making lifelong decisions when you're not calm and collected is IMHO a mistake. Good luck up xx

FoxyTerrier · 20/01/2014 12:24

Hi there. I have been through similar, with very similar timings too, so I think I do understand how you feel. Found out in October that my husband been having a very long distance affair with a work colleague. Meeting up 3 times at work events and sleeping together, and mainly messaging/skyping. We have been together 20 years, always got on so well and it seemed so out of character. We have 2 children, 11 & 7.

When I found out, (her DH called me) I went ballistic. I was so hurt and angry and never thought I could forgive him. He has been remorseful and certain that he wants to be with me (in fact, maintains he always loved me throughout..which I just cannot understand) and our relationship has been better than it has been for a while- in a more intense, 'connected' sort of a way. But we always have been close and loving towards one another - which in some ways makes it worse?!

However, just lately, I've just felt sad. Sad that he could have done this, and just disbelief still. I don't have the anger so much, and I guess the adrenalin has worn off. But I want us to be together...people to make huge mistakes sometimes, and hopefully learn from them. If you feel your husband is truly sorry, and willing to change, then I don't think you are foolish to give things another go. I've told my DH that this is one chance only, and that I could never forgive him if he did it again. I hope that I can trust him.

I guess we are both in the very early stages of this.

Good luck.

LessMissAbs · 20/01/2014 12:30

What a nice person he sounds...

InPursuitOfOblivion · 20/01/2014 12:39

If this were happening to a friend I'd also be saying kick him out

That, I believe, is your answer.

Jan45 · 20/01/2014 12:43

18 months is not just a shag, there must've been feelings involved, nobody is that stone cold and the fact he never took her anywhere was because she was a secret, as for flowers etc, you have no idea what he has given her.

Sorry, but for me that would be a deal breaker, a year and a half of lying and deceiving me would kill any love I thought I once had.

I'm not sure you will get over it, you're trying to but finding it's not so easy, some folk can get over it in time and I'm afraid that is all you have at the moment. Just be sure you are trying because you still love him and not because you are scared to go it alone without him, he's proved to you that he isn't really a man worth having.

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 13:28

I think it's perfectly possible for a man to shag someone for 18 months with no feelings involved. The question is whether that's a man you'd want to be involved with.

Jan45 · 20/01/2014 13:30

Yeah but perhaps the OW had feelings? But yes good point.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/01/2014 13:42

My ex didnt have a long term affair but a lot of mucking about, contacting, possible sex behind my back.

I had two very small children when I discovered (under a year and 2.5). We had just moved. I was on maternity leave.

Throwing him out and our relationship was very hard but I believed staying with him would have been harder. It would have eaten away at my soul. It was a deal breaker for me. Admittedly, we hasn't been in a good place but I couldn't go on with him.

Staying with him will be hard, ending it will be hard. He put you in this shitty situation. It just depends which way you see your future going and what you think you can live with.

Good luck

mammadiggingdeep · 20/01/2014 13:43

Oh. And what twinkle said

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 14:12

The OW may well have had feelings, and that makes things worse...

FoxyTerrier · 20/01/2014 15:13

Why should anyone care about the OW feelings...surely that is not the issue?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2014 15:19

The OP seems to find consolation in the idea that this was some kind of passionless, utilitarian shagging exercise just because no flowers or meals out were involved. An 18 month affair takes a considerable amount of coordination for everyone involved and I doubt anyone would make the effort if they weren't getting something out of it personally.

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 15:36

Technically the husband should have cared about the OW's feelings, if he didn't he's (ever more of) an arsehole...

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