My husband had an 18mth affair

[Whatnow2014]

I discovered in Oct 2013 that my husband of 6.5yrs had been having an affair for the last 18mths.

I found out he didn't confess. We have 3 kids under 6.

I can admit that we weren't getting on well before he started that affair. Me at home with 3 under 4 - possibly PND. I gained weight and in turn lost my sex drive. HOWEVER, none of that justifies him having an affair.

We both wanted to give us another go and immediately started counselling. All going great until start of this year. I just can't stop thinking about what he did. I don't know how / if I will ever be able to forgive/trust him again.

We are getting on really well, best in years. Sex is great. But.... Am I expecting too much too soon? Am I off my rocker for wanting to give it another go?

I would really appreciate some advice from anyone that has been through this.

Thanks

Hi, I am in a similar position. Some readers may remember my thread a while back about it.
My H had an affair which began around Xmas 2009, I discovered it in June 2013.
We are trying to make a go of it, although I am still not at all over it, not by a long shot.
Some marriages do recover from affairs - I have yet to see if mine will long term.
I hope that you're not going through this alone, and that you have people around you. Having this site was an awesome support during that initial terrible time. I am 7 months post discovery, and still, it crosses my mind every single day, and I still don't know if letting him stay was a wise decision, but we're trying.
I hope that things work out well for your family, whichever decision you make .

Upnotdown: perhaps she is a nutter, I was merely posting my view of what I've read on MS, the OW is always painted as the psycho and family destroyer.

If this woman was fine until your OH ended it with her, her crazy actions are probably down to the BS your OH fed her to get his leg over.

Foxy: yes some can get over it, personally I wouldn't even attempt to try and fix anything, the damage in my mind would've been done and is not repairable, putting sticky plasters over wouldn't be enough or me. But yes, I can completely understand how some women still want to make it work with their OH.

Probably, Jan, yes. But it's how we deal with the ups and downs that show our character, no? We can all look well balanced when we're getting what we want.

I don't think the 'saintly' perception or 'victim of circumstance' POV is relevant to OH or OW, do you? They both acted like shits, she turned into a crazy. The end. Would you like to remind me again that my OH was 'getting his leg over' elsewhere or are we done now?

Upnotdown: I can only go on what I read here and the OW is always painted as the worst offender, some I've read state: the OW seduced my OH, what could he do or she was a complete slut, how could he resist it on a plate...

As I've said, perhaps in this instance she really was a nutcase, who knows. If he managed to have a relationship with her for a year and a half and you saw or heard none of her craziness, I would imagine the craziness came out when your OH dumped her, that signifies a woman who is hurt and angry and for me would show me what my OH was capable of and was part of his character.

You're replying to me so I am doing the same.

You're clearly a person who can get over something like this, I know for sure, I'm not. Doesn't mean you can't make it work, I understand some women can.

All the extreme stereotypes bother me about this issue.

So the stereotype of the nice kind OW who was only driven to being cruel and nasty because she got let down is as ridiculous as the (rarer IME) one about her being a callous predator a man was powerless to resist.

Nearer the truth as always is that just as an affair tells us something about the character of the married person, it tells us something about the other person too. The same with the aftermath actually. How a married person reacts after their affair is disovered tells us something and that applies to the OW too.

It frustrates me intensely when posters trot out the same old cliches regardless of what the OPs or subsequent posters are saying about their unique circumstances. There's a world of difference between a person who won't give up the affair, won't go NC with the OW or tries to sweep it under the carpet - and someone who ends the other relationship, goes NC and does everything in his power to address the character faults that got him into this position in the first place. The difference between the dismissive 'sticking plaster' and 'surgery involving new body parts that work better than the old'.

Just as an OW who accepts her own responsibility for events and who also accepts a person's right to end a relationship with her, is a completely different sort of person to the OW who vents all her frustration and jealousy on the woman who did nothing to harm her.

Not all affairs are the same, not all the people who have them are the same, not everyone who forgives them are the same and not all OWs are the same either.

I do think it's that sort of dismissive blanket treatment that deters posters who need help from returning to their threads.

I think it's very sad that a lot of these threads turn into bickering between posters and the op doesn't return. Surely the whole point is to help the op, who in this instance has specifically asked for advice from women who have been in her position.

Out of interest Jan45, have you?

She was probably in a lot of pain. I acted crazy once too. (he wasn't married) but I was nearly crazy with shock and pain and confusion. And disbelief that his feeligns could change so quickly. Long time ago now, pre-kids. But what made me crazy was not so much that I was crazy, but that I was trying and failing to make sense of the painful trauma. I wasn't crazy, but events 'fanned' the crazy. I think we all have the potential to act 'crazy' if we're in enough pain.

and................ although all advice to dumped women everywhere is to rise above it, show dignity etc etc, now, I'm kind of glad that all our mutual friends saw the pain he wreaked on me, because when he dumped another woman 18 months later and left her in the same state of shock, I think people began to judge him. Not that that should have mattered to me, and it certainly doesn't now but at the time, it felt vindicating, that people saw that he had form for stringing women a load of happy ever after and then ending it on a whim.

Kind of sorry I did what the OP asked. I have been in a very similar situation and we have got through it. I thought the OP might want a tiny bit of detail.

It's my 'opinion' that the OW in our situation had no right (regardless of her pain - she knew what she was getting into) to make me feel worried about letting my children play in the garden (after she insulted my 4 YO on Twitter and said she drove to my house and walked around, reporting on what repairs needed doing). This is one of many inappropriate behaviours. This went on for over 6 months. I called the police and reported it, eventually.

I'm sorry OP, really didn't want this to derail the thread, that was never my intention.

Back to your post OP.

He didn't confess but he either didn't want to be found out or thought he could get away with it. tosser.

my ex of about 10 years ago told me when we'd finished (after 2 years) he'd had a 1 night stand (that I know about, could've been others). We didn't have kids.

When I asked him why he hadn't told me before he said it was "because I thought you'd dump me over it" I said to him "damned right I'd have dumped you, it would have been an good excuse to dump you" - we didn't get on can you tell?!

I personally wouldn't trust him again. but then again you have children. I really don't know what I would do.

Namechanger: The OP states above, am I mad for giving it another go and that she's not sure she will be able to forgive or forget, I'm satisfied I've answered those points from my own view, after all, what other view can I give. It might not be the one she wants but this is an internet forum and not everyone is going to answer with yes.

Agree with familyscapegoat's post...there are many shades of grey. If it were so simple, there wouldn't be need to chew over these things with others.

upnotdown, she insulted your four year old on twitter?! that is an advanced class of crazy alright.

There have been other posters who have not answered with a yes Jan. They have actually been in the poster's situation. As another poster said upthread it's not entirely possible to know how you would respond in any life changing and traumatic situation. It's possible to make a good guess but many of us have responded differently to the way we were so sure we would when thinking about it hypothetically. Tbh you seem quite determined to put the boot in and have your own say rather than help the op. There are enough people who have been through it on the thread warning the op how difficult it is and giving advice re leaving. Did you mean to be so insensitive?

Namechanger: I'm not going to keep defending my viewpoint, I've explained myself to you already and hopefully the OP is balanced enough to understand that not all of us can forgive and forget, that was one of her questions which I answered.

If you want to call that putting the boot in or that I am insensitive, on an internet forum, that's your prerogative, doesn't mean it's true.

I've already acknowledged to the OP that I understand her and other women who want to continue in their relationships and that it is good if they can.

No you have said that you don't think you could if you were in that situation and I am pointing out that since uou haven't been in that situation you can only speculate. Lots of other women haven't been able to and that's fine.

I won't comment further but you are welcome to pm me OP.

I knew when posting that I would a lot of comments saying leave him, how could you ever forgive. That is why I specifically said I'd like to hear from people who have been through this.

No one can begin to imagine how this feels nor why on earth I would even consider giving it another go.

We both started counselling immediately and shortly going to try couple counselling. I know that we are both trying extremely hard and it is a long road ahead of us. But I've decided it is worth trying. And at least if it doesn't work out I will have no regrets.

Thank you to all who took time to reply.

I might not have been in the exact same position as the OP, but you have no idea what situations I have been in or what my moral and religious stance is on marriage and fidelity.

You seem incapable of accepting that I have this view....

Just because I couldn't get passed it, that doesn't mean nobody else could and I've fully acknowledged that to the OP.

Good to hear from you again OP. Interestingly, when I was trying to come to the decision about whether to try to heal the marriage, I also thought that I wanted to have no regrets if I decided to walk away at any point.

I hope things work out for you in whatever way will make you happy..

Really nice to hear from you again, Bull. I wondered how you were getting on. I hope you are finding happiness.

Thanks Tessa, I still don't know if I'm going to be able to stay with him long term (I know many here would advise against it!) however, we're working on things for the time being.
Speaking to you all here kept me sane during my worst moments :)
Thank you all x

I think you should forgive and try to make the marriage work. Regardless of who's fault it is or who is to blame, ask yourself who benefits if you split up. You are all worse off including your children if things end.

Trust can be rebuilt.

Mat. There is no 'should' in a situation like this and OPs mental health may be horrendously affected if she tries to do what she is made to feel she 'should'
Her dcs will be worse off with a mum with mental health problems.

Don't agree with Mat690 at all, his question "who benefits if you split up?" as though the family were nothing more than an economic unit.

Trust can be rebuilt perhaps but not always, and even if people manage it, why push water up hill? If trust is broken, then it's like a totally different marriage. It's not just more of the same marriage. It 's a whole new contract and obviously it's time to assess. I think a more rational question would be why stay?