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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband had an 18mth affair

76 replies

Whatnow2014 · 18/01/2014 23:40

I discovered in Oct 2013 that my husband of 6.5yrs had been having an affair for the last 18mths.

I found out he didn't confess. We have 3 kids under 6.

I can admit that we weren't getting on well before he started that affair. Me at home with 3 under 4 - possibly PND. I gained weight and in turn lost my sex drive. HOWEVER, none of that justifies him having an affair.

We both wanted to give us another go and immediately started counselling. All going great until start of this year. I just can't stop thinking about what he did. I don't know how / if I will ever be able to forgive/trust him again.

We are getting on really well, best in years. Sex is great. But.... Am I expecting too much too soon? Am I off my rocker for wanting to give it another go?

I would really appreciate some advice from anyone that has been through this.

Thanks

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 15:37

even not ever ^^

FoxyTerrier · 20/01/2014 15:47

I don't think there is any denying you are being in arsehole in having an affair. It's surely whether the arsehole can see that, and is remorseful. We are all capable of arseholery in some capacity surely...it's whether it's acknowledged and behaviour then changes? Otherwise, no one could ever make a mistake, and be shown forgiveness.

I am seeing this from my own situation and POV mind. And am trying to be hopeful. Maybe I'm being naïve; but OP sounds like she wants to keep her relationship together.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2014 16:06

There are mistakes and mistakes. A mistake is forgetting to pay the gas bill or accidentally pranging the car. I think the OP probably started out hell bent on keeping the relationship together given the rationalisation described. Now the shock's wearing off, they are starting to question whether they're doing the right thing. Very normal

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 16:10

The affair was actually going on for almost a third of the OP's relationship. That's more of an error of will than of judgement. Whether this can be fixed depends so much on the husband.

FoxyTerrier · 20/01/2014 16:14

Yes, I get that, and am also at the sharp end of the same thing...it's just not always so simple as LTB. My shock and anger is subsiding - mostly. And I do still love my husband, and want to make it work...if I can learn to forgive and trust him. I never, ever thought I would say that, and react in the way I have...I always thought an affair would spell the end for me. Maybe OP feels similarly, that's all I mean.

MaeveWest · 20/01/2014 16:22

Staying in a marriage is not the hardest thing to do in the short term. Somebody said that upthread, that they wished they'd done the easier thing, leaving

Well, in the short term it is easier to just drift. staying doesnt require as much planning and energy independence and confidence. Leaving is the harder thing to do in the short term, only in the long term is staying the harder choice.

RescueCack · 20/01/2014 16:30

The figure given further upthread of 30% moving past an affair and having a better relationship is surely quite encouraging? I think if there's a 30% that you can be happy with each other, and give your kids their parents together, that's got to be worth a shot? Of course it might not work out, but if you want to try, it's not wasted effort. It must be worth it after 10 years.

Upnotdown · 20/01/2014 16:48

It can be done - my OH had an 18 month affair. If he's committed to making amends,then you might get through it. If he isn't, you don't stand a chance.

We've been together for 19 years, we weren't getting on AT ALL. From the moment I found out (he didn't tell me, anon phone call) he wanted to put things right. I threw him out. We talked about things. He cut contact with OW. He came home a month later. OW tried her best to cause problems. OH met her behind my back to try and 'reason' with her.That sent me more off my nut than anything. She was a right cowbag and tried to cause a shitstorm (not as in trying to get with OH, as in nutty/stalker behaviour via social media and sitting outside my house etc).

Anyways,18 months on and we're good. We've managed to get the stronger relationship part by lots of talking, crying, laughing, deep breaths and understanding but I still think about it...I'll always be aware that he was capable of doing that. I don't think he would again, but I'll always know that he did...

It's hard to get through it, I won't lie. But what's on the other side (like in our case) could be worth it. Only you know if it's worth taking a chance on.

lunar1 · 20/01/2014 16:57

Why would the OW's feelings matter to the op?

I have no experience op but I think you need to thing about why your husband is making the choice he is. Is he choosing to work things through or is he taking the easy option? He didn't confess, he got caught.

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 17:03

Why would the OW's feelings matter to the op?

No-one has said they would.

cjel · 20/01/2014 17:09

I would be vary wary of ;hysterical bonding' and now maybe this is wearing off.18 months and being caught sounds like a crap basis for him wanting to change. I'd advise living apart to really sort out your feelings.

Jan45 · 20/01/2014 17:13

It amazes me that when the husband gets caught (in other words the affair would continue), it's the OW that's the nutter.

Namechanger102 · 20/01/2014 17:17

I disagree that having an affair makes someone some kind of beyond redemption monster-person. I also don't agree that an affair defines a person's character wholly. It's an absolutely crap thing to do and it says a lot about a person at that time - and probably a fair bit about them before but it doesn't make them A Bad Person. If it did, they'd be a whole lot easier to spot and avoid .

I think it's simple and complicated all at once but I certainly wouldn't go back to our pre-affair marriage and I can honestly say that sometimes I'm glad it happened.

I think a lot depends on whether you are married to a good person who has done a bad thing, how much you love each other and how much very hard work the cheater is prepared to do on themselves and the relationship in the aftermath.

As I said earlier, it's the harder road.

Jan45 · 20/01/2014 17:27

Nobody said monster but an 18 month affair takes time, planning and a hell of a lot of lying and deceit, imo, that does define the character.

It may sound too simple to everyone else but anyone having an affair can't possibly love their partner in the way they should, just because the offended wife agrees to carry on that doesn't change that, not for me anyway, to me, it's a massive shout out that he doesn't love me the way he should and the way I deserve to be loved, no matter how shit the relationship had gotten to be.

MaeveWest · 20/01/2014 17:32

can see how his lack of feelings for OW makes it hurt less now, but it makes him seem even crappier, he lied to you for 18 months for a woman he didn't care about? Or maybe that's another lie......

Upnotdown · 20/01/2014 17:34

Jan45, just to clarify, in my opinion (affair aside) the OW is a nutter. She tried to sue me. She harangued me on social media. She sat outside my house. She made odd phone calls, about eggs...

What conclusion would you like me to come to? I already know and acknowledge what my OH did. He knows what I think of his behaviour. Am I supposed to buy her a packet of biscuits and listen to her side? Oh no wait, I already did that. I'm all ears...?

FoxyTerrier · 20/01/2014 17:35

Jan45....that is honestly how I thought I would feel, before it actually happened to me. I am encouraged that quite a few posters on here, have given it a go, and come out the other side with a stronger and better relationship. I think as others have said, it depends how remorseful partner is, and how much they are willing to 'put back in'. Of course, it's not an ideal situation, and I wish the clock could be wound back every single day since finding out. But sometimes, shit happens.

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 17:48

Upnotdown regarding the behaviour of the OW either a) your husband chose to have an affair with someone who is mentally unstable or b) the OWs feelings were deeply engaged which is why she is behaving so crazily now. In which case may have lied to her as to his intentions and to you about the affair just being sex. Or a mixture of a) and b). None of this outs him in a good light.

In the circumstances I'd be tempted to hear the OWs side to compare with DH's story.

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 17:49

Puts not outs.

Namechanger102 · 20/01/2014 17:49

Is that how you felt when it happened to you Jan45?

Some cheaters are extremely good at compartmentalising their lives and their feelings. It's something that we all do to some extent as a coping strategy in some situations but if someone is able to do this and have a long term affair then it's a big problem within them and would need to be sorted out, whether or not they remain married.

I agree with cjel about him moving out while you have time to think straight WhatNow. I think that's very important.

Upnotdown · 20/01/2014 18:11

Twinklestein - I HAVE heard her side. I spent a few weeks hearing her side. I was supportive towards her when it all came out. I am not a 'blame the OW' type.

And obviously, my OH saw her in a different light. Until she started acting like a crazy lady. Even when it ended - we were in agreement that it wasn't her fault.

Twinklestein · 20/01/2014 18:14

Fair enough.

Upnotdown · 20/01/2014 18:14

The long and short of it is, not all all OWs are loopy, but the one we experienced actually was.

Please don't let that derail the thread - it's not really relevant to the OP (I hope).

waltermittymissus · 20/01/2014 18:15

How do you know he's not seeing her anymore?

Look, an 18 month affair is not just a shag. It's not. By any logic.

So if this is going to work he needs to be honest. Not tell you enough to shut you up, to tell you everything.

scornedwoman67 · 20/01/2014 18:37

Hi Whatnow,
I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. I was there myself seven years ago. We are now divorced because he wasn't prepared to work at the marriage. That is the key really - as someone said, people do sometimes make terrible mistakes & are genuinely remoreseful. Only you know whether he is genuinely remorseful. If he is, I believe you can re-build your relationship, but it will take time & a lot of hard work on his part. Don't beat yourself up about it - it is still very early days. Things will never be the same again for you, but they can be good in a different way. I wish you well.

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