Sickening photo's

[Needadvice5]

Regular user but DP knows my usual name.

Quick back story:

Been together for 2 years, he's the one.

I have ongoing massive issues with his ex, they had separated along time before we got together and have a ds aged 7 together, she's a very difficult person and I dislike her so much for so many reasons.

He had told me they had been to fetish/swingers clubs together and had participated in threesomes at their house.

I'm very open minded but find it all a little bit seedy, but its his past so I try not to dwell on it too much.

Was clearing our shed out today and found a very well hidden photo memory card, intrigued I put it in my phone and found literally hundred's of photo's of them in various sexual positions with various different people and I feel physically sick and don't know what to say/do?

All advice great fully received!

OP, you've said quite a few nasty things about his ex.

You've said that she is ugly, rough looking, vile and illiterate. I think you've made it quite clear that you hate her guts. So, why?

Has she done anything to you personally? It doesn't seem very fair to focus on her looks and education as reasons for hating her.

If your dp was very young then I'd say that he was with her to fulfil his lusts. He was probably very sexually active and this girl was a dream come true because not only would she participate in his every sexual fantasy but she'd also encourage him to get his kicks with other women too. What man wouldn't like that?

However there comes a point when you need more than just sex and your dp sounds like he came to that point. He could clearly see that they weren't compatible but they now have a son together, so no matter what your feelings for her are, you mustn't forget that she is a mother and deserves respect.

She may have huge regrets about that part of her life and may want to move on but is unable because every time she sees your dp she is reminded of it.

Your dp had his fun, realised that it wasn't all it cracked up to be and now appreciates what you give him. He probably enjoys sex a lot more because there is emotion involved rather than meaningless sex.

If you are convinced that he no longer looks at the photos then throw it away. I must admit I'd be dubious about his reasons for wanting to keep the photos. He could easily have thrown it away, but something stopped him and whilst he may not have looked at them in a long time, he probably knows they are there. I mean, where are you least likely to look? In a bag in the shed containing stuff from his old car? I doubt it came from his car did it? So he put it there.

Might be an idea to delete the photos, replace them with pictures of you and flowers and butterflies and bunny rabbits as a nice surprise for him should he ever decide to revisit his past

Ah, you've told him already.

Oh well.

As for his ex, you do sound disproportionally hung up about her, to the point where you are in danger of coming across as not very nice either. So what if her house is a bit dirty? So what if she is "illiterate" or ugly? (your opinion)

I think you need to see a counsellor before your hatred towards her starts to swallow you up or even, affect her son who looks like her.

I agree with SGB.

I hope the counselling helps you OP.

OP slates the ex because her self esteem is low. And, I don't believe she'd feel better if the ex was attractive - I'm pretty sure she'd feel a damn sight worse.

Although this is no excuse he had the chance to say no when she wanted to try these "extra" sexual activities!

Many women report here being drawn into sexual activities they were not really comfortable with.

He could have said no, but he may have said yes to keep her happy. Or he could have instigated it. He alone will know. Just offering a different perspective.

I doubt he was drawn into them, especially not if he keeps photographic records. I can imagine a woman being uncomfortable with it but men seem to be more keen on this sort of thing. Women attach emotions to sex whereas men seem to be able to switch emotions off and just be happy to get their rocks off.

It's a generalisation I know but I've heard of lots of women feeling under pressure to do certain sexual activities but never the other way round.

Regardless anyway, it's clear that he's no longer into all of that and I don't agree that he loved her, I think he was just exploring and enjoying this sexual freedom with a woman who was more than happy to join in the anything goes attitude.

I do think that it's not his ex that is the problem though, it's the OP's attitude to her and OP, when you said that if anything were to break you up it would be her, I think you meant you. Because she won't break up your relationship, only you can do that.

You seriously need to get to the bottom of your feelings towards her. Yes your ex had a girlfriend previously that you thought was ok but he didn't have a child with her did he? Bottom line is that he has a child with this woman who was a sexual adventurer and that is what makes you feel insecure. The fact that he has to maintain contact, that he has to continue seeing her and you feel that with her svelte size 8 figure she might just tempt your ex back to his wild and free days and nothing he, or anyone, says will convince you otherwise.

Your jealousy and low self esteem is eating you up and if you are not careful you will end up taking it out on her (their) son too, who is the spitting image of his mother.

Enough people have expressed a concern, now it's up to you to sort it out.

Rhubarb, men seem to be more keen on this sort of thing. Women attach emotions to sex whereas men seem to be able to switch emotions off and just be happy to get their rocks off. It's a generalisation I know but I've heard of lots of women feeling under pressure to do certain sexual activities but never the other way round.

In my experience, that's a lot of unfounded, sexist nonsense.

Logg1e: Very true. The last time I actually had an ongoing relationship, I was the one who instigated the open/swinging/fetish aspects. The bloke was willing at the time but we later split up because, having tried it all out, he decided that what he wanted was a monogamous relationship. He and I split amicably and are still on good terms.

Ahem

I did actually make it clear that this was a general observation based on experience and not a factoid.

I've been on Mumsnet for 12 years and in all that time I've heard countless tales of women going along with their partner's sexual experiences to keep them happy. True of real life experiences too, it's usually the man's fantasy to have a threesome (2 women, 1 bloke) or try different sexual partners whilst in a relationship. From experience again, it's usually the woman who changes her mind.

This is from wiki: "Male fantasies tend to focus more on visual imagery and explicit anatomic detail, whereas women's fantasies tend to contain more emotion and connection. When compared to homosexual and heterosexual women, homosexual and heterosexual men are consistently found to be more interested in visual sexual stimulation and fantasies about casual sex encounters.[26]

Another way the sexes differ is that men are much more likely to fantasize about having multiple sexual partners (i.e., having threesomes or orgies) compared to women. The sexes also differ in terms of how much they fantasize about dominance and submission. Men fantasize equally often about dominance and submission, whereas women fantasize about submission much more frequently than dominance. [27]" link here

Obviously other people have different experiences. I fail to see how that merited your comment Logg1e I'm getting tired of people being rude and dismissive on Mumsnet when they would never do so to your face. Does it hurt to just disagree politely?

Hi guys, I've done something ridiculously stupid this afternoon and had another look at the memorycard.

God knows why, I feel as shit as I did from when I first found it.

from what I can see it's his ex with another girl mostly, just one photo of him and his ex having sex, not that it matters because it's all still vile and seedy.
I'm estimating its about 6 years ago because of the baby items in the back ground (classy I know).

The hatred towards the ex, I think it's because she's so different to him that I dislike her so much, I struggle to understand wht he was with her for 10 years!

His previous ex was very attractive, a model. I have no issues with her at all?

Don't think I wantto stay with him, I really thought he was the one.

I get in after a 12 hour shift and he's taken my dc out bowling/cinema etc.

my dinner is cooked for me.

The house is spotless.

Dogs walked.

He's washed and ironed.

Done food shopping.

bottle of wine in the fridge......

you get the picture.

Life with my ex was very different, he smoked cannabis all day, kids didn't get fed, house was a shit hole....

when I see it written down it makes me realise what I'll lose but don't know how I'll get past this!
All because of his sordid past and horrible ex ffs.

Instead of leaving, why not get yourself some counselling?

You have admitted that the problem is within you, not anything he has done, so you wont be leaving the problem behind if you leave him. You will take it with you and it will rear up in the next relationship you have, so you will leave, and it will happen again.......

I really do think that you need to explore why you feel the way you do, and what you can do to deal with it. You have a great relationship with a loving caring man, why throw that away if you can fix this issue?

I agree - please get some counselling. Your partner sounds lovely and caring, surely it's worth making every effort to get past this?

Please destroy the bloody memory card. It must have been awful to stumble across it in the first place, but please remove the temptation to torture yourself with it further. What can be gained? You can't change your partner's past. You can only deal with your response.

Good luck.

Hello there. I have been lurking on your thread so far and you have had some good advice. Your panic today though is palpable.

If you search any of my other posts you may see that I am usually very intolerant of any kind of sleazy behaviour but sweetie, this is in his past. It must have been horrendous to see that evidence of his previous sex life and certainly not one you would condone but it's gone.

bearing in mind all this on film is consensual (and you are as sure as you can be that it was, as is he) then I would advise you to put it where it belongs...as none of your business

please don't throw away an otherwise good relationship for this

I know I have anxiety and paranoia issues, awaiting CBT and dp has supported me really well so far, when I'm down he will arrange for us to do something nice to try and cheer me up.

I have an appointment at the GU clinic tomorrow, even though we've been together for 2 years and I have no doubts about him ever cheating on me.

My life feels like such a shit mess, I'm sure things were more straightforward with my abusive ex!

I know I have anxiety and paranoia issues, awaiting CBT and dp has supported me really well so far, when I'm down he will arrange for us to do something nice to try and cheer me up.

I have an appointment at the GU clinic tomorrow, even though we've been together for 2 years and I have no doubts about him ever cheating on me.

My life feels like such a shit mess, I'm sure things were more straightforward with my abusive ex!

Op you sound down today. Your last post sounded quite positive regarding the pending counselling etc.
you must be wearing yourself out with all this. It's not up to you to question so intently how/why he spent x amount of years with his ex partner.... He did ....it's past ....he Chooses to be with you now..It's just not worth the energy.
How are the two of you together have you had a good discussion since finding the card?

Why on earth are you going through a GU exam with no evidence at all that you need it?

This has nothing to do with his previous sex life has it? You are so used to being treated like shit that yes, things were more straightforward with your ex. He treated you like utter crap and you believed you must deserve it otherwise he wouldnt do it.

With your DP, he treats you very well, loves and respects you, and you dont feel that you deserve that. You dont feel good enough for him and you expect him to leave or cheat one day when he realises that he is way above your league. you have no experience of being treated well and are therefore on tenterhooks for the day when things go back to "normal", and you are abused again.

You need counselling urgently. Could you afford to go private?

Why GU now OP? Did you ever go when you first got together? When is counselling appointment likely to come through?

I do think you should destruct these photos asap. You'll always have the temptation to look at them and it will destroy your relationship.

I could be way off the mark here but something has occurred to me.

You say things were simpler with your ex, and I agree. You werent happy but at least you knew where you stood. Being treated well and with respect is so new to you that you dont know how to handle it. Then you find this memory card and instead of throwing it away and moving on, you look at it again even though you know it will hurt, you book a GU appointment that you dont need, you haul yourself over the coals every second.

ITs almost as if you are using this to abuse yourself (iykwim), because that is what you know. As if you feel safer being abused because that fits in with your own lack of self esteem. Feeling that you are shit, but being treated like a princess is hard to deal with.

Counselling isn't a problem,I work for the NHS ( we both do) and I can access free Bupa at any time.

I had it before after the domestic abuse with my ex and hated it, cried at every session!

He's sat playing a board game with dc at the moment and I'm in the kitchen in floods of tears ffs.

I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, this man is brilliant In every way and I want to separate because he's had a threesome 6 fucking years.

puts it into perspective seeing it written down.

Hi AF, you've always made sense and have pm'd me when I first left my ex....

The I am sorry to see that you are tying yourself in knots in this way, about a decent bloke

I can only tell you my own opinion, but the only thing in a bloke's past that would be a complete deal breaker is violence, sexual violence or the use of the sex industry/prostitutes

I don't actually know what my H sexual past is like, I haven't ever asked him and I don't want to know (and vice versa)

being confronted with actual evidence of it would be an almighty shock and distressing to see, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker

I understand the ick factor, really I do. But this was way before you got together, love x

Just another voice asking you not to throw away a safe and happy relationship. All good advice just now, but especially Bogey's point about if you leave your husband over this you'll be taking the problems with you.

Can you give the memory card back to your husband and ask him to throw it away?

Bogeyface has nailed it, I think. This looks a lot like sabotaging yourself to me.