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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sickening photo's

164 replies

Needadvice5 · 17/01/2014 17:15

Regular user but DP knows my usual name.

Quick back story:

Been together for 2 years, he's the one.

I have ongoing massive issues with his ex, they had separated along time before we got together and have a ds aged 7 together, she's a very difficult person and I dislike her so much for so many reasons.

He had told me they had been to fetish/swingers clubs together and had participated in threesomes at their house.

I'm very open minded but find it all a little bit seedy, but its his past so I try not to dwell on it too much.

Was clearing our shed out today and found a very well hidden photo memory card, intrigued I put it in my phone and found literally hundred's of photo's of them in various sexual positions with various different people and I feel physically sick and don't know what to say/do?

All advice great fully received!

OP posts:
TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 17/01/2014 22:46

You need to stop being so hung up on his ex, OP. I know where you're coming from, though. DP split from his ex because she was vile to him - stole, gambled his wages and sold his stuff to pay his debts, and cheated. He doesn't like her at all. If they didn't have DC, we'd have nothing to do with her.

BUT. They do have DC. She is, unfortunately, a part of our lives. I also accept that he loved her and cared for her enough to live with her and to have children with her. I'm sure he made mistakes that contributed to their relationship breakdown as well. I don't like her for what she's done, but we can talk about her without it causing a fight and I don't get angry when he mentions her name.

You need to stop. It will destroy you as a couple. He's with you for a reason. He broke up with her for a reason. Yes, he loved her and had a DC with her, but that's over now. He doesn't love her anymore - he loves you. Unfortunately, you both have to deal with her until their son turns 18, and probably for longer too. The best thing to do is be civil. You don't have to like her, but as a future step-parent, you do need to be civil to her and make sure DS doesn't hear you saying anything negative about her.

Good luck - I totally understand how hard it can be, but you need to try and get over it for the sake of your future relationship with DP :)

SirRaymondClench · 17/01/2014 22:48

Scottish Gosh,I see your point,seeing you're so measured in your responses
Thanks for that précis

My pleasure.

scottishmummy · 17/01/2014 22:50

You know what op for as long as you fret about ex there will always be a threesome
You,him ,her
You can decide to push it away,or you can obsess what size jeans she took

BOFtastic · 17/01/2014 23:02

I've sent you a PM, OP- I hope it helps.

GideonKipper · 17/01/2014 23:25

Really annoying reading posts from people who don't know your DP from Adam being oh so convinced that he regularly looks at these pictures and gets off on them. How the fuck can they make bald statements like that without the benefit of 24 hour surveillance of this man?

I agree it's much more likely the sd card was bundled in amongst a load of old stuff and forgotten about. OP, he sounds like a good, supportive, loving man, you're happy with him. Don't let this blight your relationship any more. Thanks. Good luck.

Only1scoop · 17/01/2014 23:26

Agree Gideon
Good luck Op Thanks

scottishmummy · 18/01/2014 01:23

Gideon,you don't know the husband either or his motives.you're not the definitive voice
We've all opined.might be right,or wrong.but your not in position to take higher moral stance

GideonKipper · 18/01/2014 01:38

"He gave in,participated in sex acts to please her?
Umm,same sex acts he's kept copy of that he re-visits,doesn't seem like unwilling participant to me
If it was about pleasing partner and. Compliance why did be keep the memento" ScottishMummy

"Did he say forgotten?well he would say that...."ScottishMummy

"I agree it's much more likely the sd card was bundled in amongst a load of old stuff and forgotten about." Me

Don't think I'm cracking on that I'm the 'definitive voice' or taking a 'higher moral stance' to be perfectly frank. That'd be you.

OP has provided information which suggests her dp is a decent bloke with a past, he's supportive and caring and has not pressurised her into any sexual stuff she doesn't want to do. For some reason you seem to have inferred that her dp is a liar who gets his kicks from looking at pictures of him shagging his ex and others. You were OTT.

Jengnr · 18/01/2014 01:40

No, but we do know she found the memory card in the shed in a bag of stuff that had been half eaten by mice.

That's not conducive to it being revisited and absolutely is to it being forgotten about.

GideonKipper · 18/01/2014 01:42

Exactly.

scottishmummy · 18/01/2014 01:45

Not in least.op needs not fret about an ex,given shes the current partner
Op is disproportionately winding her self up,comparisons,his past,etc
The photos are of consensual acts he undertook in past with ex.hundreds images of consensual acts in past.

Cut and paste all you wish,I know what I wrote
The op knew he's got a past and ex.shes uncomfortable with it
A past Which he may minimise to spare her feelings,of course.as that would be tactful and kind

GideonKipper · 18/01/2014 02:11

You were winding her up.

He has minimised it.

You seem to be changing your tune somewhat.

Isetan · 18/01/2014 04:08

If the mere mention of her name makes you rage, even if his children aren't in the room the silent contempt when they are will be enough. To keep images, even if they are later forgotten, really doesn't suggest that he was doing something he was unhappy with. Which means his current 'She made me do it guv' view of his sexual past is to appease you. All is not rosy in your garden if he feels he must do this and do really want to be in a relationship with someone who bends the truth about something you already know about for a quieter life. Do you trust him? You mentioned the "alleged" affairs of his Ex which suggest to me that you don't.

This has very little to do with your partner or his Ex. Take this opportunity to sort yourself out, counselling could help.

meiisme · 18/01/2014 08:34

When a certain person or thing triggers this kind of immediate hatred, they/it usually remind you of something painful in your past. As PP said, you seem very focussed on making his ex the evil one (vile, dirty, manipulative, unfaithful, etc) and your DP almost angelic. Could it be that your real insecurity is whether your DP has a hidden, dark side? That you are trying to throw everything about his past that makes you wonder if you really know him in her direction? Given your experience with DV that wouldn't be surprising. Just an idea, FWIW.

shey02 · 18/01/2014 08:48

It changes nothing really. But I totally get how it would make you feel down. This is just me now and maybe it's wrong, but I'd have to chuck it.... Because the thought of him still looking at it would eat me up, that would be wrong of him.

Remember what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. He is your man now and is a good man by your account. Do something to boost your confidence in yourself, not for him, but for you (if only to combat your temporary insecurity) also maybe a little downtime with your friends just to take your mind of it..... It may be worth a chat in the future, but not now while you're feeling a bit raw.

CrabbyWinterBottom · 18/01/2014 09:16

You may know what you wrote Scottish, but everyone else can see it too, and you were saying with certainty that he has been looking at the photos when there's absolutely nothing to indicate that at all. Hmm You certainly do seem to be baiting the OP.

OP I think you need to get some counselling/take some measures for how you feel about his ex, as it sounds as though it's driving a wedge between you and DP. His ex isn't going away - she's the mother of his son and if you are causing a row every time her name is mentioned then I'm afraid you're also affecting his relationship with his son as he may well be reluctant to talk to you about his child (as it will often involve mentioning the mother). I appreciate that you aren't letting your feelings affect the little boy, but believe me that resentment will be creating toxicity left, right and centre if you don't do something about it. If he's as decent a man as you say he is, then you need to stop that happening. If you're on meds for anxiety etc then your GP may refer you for counselling/CBT?

With regards to the memory card, whilst I can understand the temptation, you had no business looking at what's on it - it was clearly his private property. As someone beautifully put it upthread... If you look under stones you'll find slugs! I understand that seeing the images would be upsetting, but they were consensual acts in his past and you've got no business viewing them. He's given you as ideal a response as you could hope for, imo - apologise to him for snooping and invading his privacy, and move on. Please take some measures to deal with your jealously before it irrevocably harms your relationship, as it sounds as though you're happy with this man. Smile

scottishmummy · 18/01/2014 10:11

No,you're simply not correct in that summation but I expect you'll stick to it
The worries the op has are self generated,she preoccupied by the ex and it plays on her
If the ex was so great he'd still be with her.hes with op

The memory card isn't the issue,really. It's his Past sexual history
Op self esteem and worries about the ex are,and if it continue it'll cause her anguish
If everything else is ok,she needs to work on strategy to care less about the ex

GideonKipper · 18/01/2014 10:36

The worries the op has are self generated????

Well, it certainly doesn't help put those worries to bed when a random person on the Internet states, in absolute terms, that her dp took part in 'sex acts he's kept copy of that he revisits' thus implying that he's still getting his rocks off in relation to his ex.

scottishmummy · 18/01/2014 10:43

Yes it's self generated,she says he treats her well.the anxiety is within the op
In fairness the op has disclosed her relationship online,to random strangers,inviting our comment
Op clearly preoccupied by the ex,it is self generated. Hopefully she works a strategy to minimise reduce impact ex has on her

We are all random strangers,opining on thread that invited discussion
None if us can unequivocally say we've got it right
And if one doesn't want random strangers opining then one shouldn't post

GideonKipper · 18/01/2014 10:56

Can't you see by posting what you did that it's reinforcing those insecurities and anxieties? You have no idea that he looks at the pictures and videos,
but you stated with such conviction that he does.

Of course I can't say with certainty he doesn't, but what some other posters and I have said is that it is unlikely, given that the card was in a mice infested shed with a load of other old rubbish (along with some important documents which he wouldn't have left there if he'd known).

GideonKipper · 18/01/2014 10:59

Also the little jibe 'well he would say that. ..' a snide little comment implying her dp is playing her for a fool.

scottishmummy · 18/01/2014 11:05

You're now preoccupied arguing my response to op,why?
If op wants to come back and put me clear in wrong,that's fair enough
You arguing it for her,is you using her thread as vehicle to tell me I'm in wrong

Logg1e · 18/01/2014 11:20

I think that gideon's right scottish. What did you mean by, "Well he would say that" and why did you post it?

scottishmummy · 18/01/2014 11:24

Oh hello,come to pile in too.i think you do understand my point
I,also think you're looking for wee bit aggro
I'm no biting

Logg1e · 18/01/2014 11:30

I'm sorry you feel people are piling in on you, but no, I just have sympathy for Gideon's point. That's why I immediately responded as I did when you first said, "he would say that".

At the moment it sounds as though "he would say that" is you suggesting OP's husband is lying. I can't see how that is helpful when in the next breath your telling her that her anxieties are "self-generated".