Sickening photo's

[Needadvice5]

Regular user but DP knows my usual name.

Quick back story:

Been together for 2 years, he's the one.

I have ongoing massive issues with his ex, they had separated along time before we got together and have a ds aged 7 together, she's a very difficult person and I dislike her so much for so many reasons.

He had told me they had been to fetish/swingers clubs together and had participated in threesomes at their house.

I'm very open minded but find it all a little bit seedy, but its his past so I try not to dwell on it too much.

Was clearing our shed out today and found a very well hidden photo memory card, intrigued I put it in my phone and found literally hundred's of photo's of them in various sexual positions with various different people and I feel physically sick and don't know what to say/do?

All advice great fully received!

Ok, I'll take 'I'm not biting' to mean you can't think of a response because you know you're wrong.

I'm not using op's thread as a vehicle at all, just pointing out a couple of issues with your posts to the op.

Seems a bit odd to bang on about the need for the op to sort out her insecurities after posting stuff which is likely to make her feel even worse.

No,Gideon.i won't conduct an argument with you on someone else thread
You seem v desperate to provoke a response,I'm not interested.
Also,I'm not in the wrong.but hey I would say that wouldn't I...

My now ex (of this morning) did this sort of stuff with his ex wife. I thought I was broad-minded too but I actually think you have to be a bit of an emotional retard to get off on a load of sweaty strangers inflating your ego in pursuit of an orgasm. You might think he's the one now but the trophies say different. Honestly, get out now. He's toxic and I should know.

ScottishMummmy I think it's a classic case of you can dish it out but you can't take it.

You said if OP wants to come back and put you in the clear that you're wrong then that's fine. I doubt she will as it would probably be a futile exercise - she already said to you up thread that she was happy with her OP's explanation that he'd forgotten about the memory card, which prompted you to come over all Mandy Rice-Davies with the 'Well he would say that...".

I am not desperate for an argument; I was just wondering if you could justify some of the things you've said on here. As I see you plainly can't I'll leave it there.

Maybe, just maybe Scottishmummy has a point.

Rereading the whole thread, I'm starting to agree with the self generated / lack of security / confidence from OP position.All the stuff along the way that op isn't confident with herself, or with the relationship, is jealous of the ex, the rage etc.

My view? Op, you really shouldn't have snooped through someone elses property, this is showing lack of trust. You need to let this go, hold your head up and be positive about your relationship.

beachside, Maybe, just maybe Scottishmummy has a point. Rereading the whole thread, I'm starting to agree with the self generated / lack of security / confidence from OP position.

Well, the OP has said as much herself! What I didn't find helpful was for scottishmummy to suggest that she should doubt her husband when his actions also indicates that she has nothing to worry about.

Of course, this could all be cleared up by scottishmummy explaining why she said, "well, he would say that" followed by sceptical smiley.

Yes of course, no one is disputing that the OP seems to have major security, self image and anxiety issues. She's said herself that her dp is fantastic with her, has never made her feel inferior, supports her and her dc and has never pressurised her into sexual things she doesn't want to do. Therefore we agree the insecurity is self generated. There have been other posts exploring why this might be.

So, why then cast aspersions on this man stating that he's still looking at this stuff from the past and lying to the OP about it, when there's no evidence to back this up? This also is likely to make the OP feel even more insecure than she did in the first place.

I really am going to have to leave this now. OP if you're still reading I hope you get everything sorted, and you find a way to make peace with your dp's past and having the ex in your life via his son. Good luck.

X post with Logg1e.

Once a bit of a perv...always a bit of a perv.

Hi, sorry been a busy Saturday visiting my mum on her birthday.

Thanks to everyone that has posted!
I'm very happy that this memory card had been forgotten about, there were letters in the bag and a bank card that had expired 2 years ago, I can tell from the state of the bag it had been put in the shed snd forgotten about.

I shouldn't have looked and wish I hadn't but it's done now and I have to move forward.

We've all got history and whilst I'm disgusted by these photos it was before we met and he's never asked me to participatein anything like that.

I'm very insecure, my ex (dc's dad) was very abusive, my dc witnessed things that no chid should see.

I often wonder if this relationship will go wrong, it all seems too good to be true, he's so good and caring towards me and my dc and I genuinely can't fault him.

I need to stop this insecure jealously I have with his ex and concentrate on being happy!

Thank you to you all......

No,you're simply not correct in that summation but I expect you'll stick to it

Really scottishmummy? Because you said:

"The card was kept and hidden because he still looks,but conceals it from you

"that's not solution he still has the interest.he still looks

"same sex acts he's kept copy of that he re-visits

"Did he say forgotten?well he would say that...."

When there was no evidence of that at all. Way to go to make the OP feel even worse about the situation! I just don't understand how people can be so certain of a situation from a few lines on the internet.

Need I really hope you get some counselling for the issues that you've had in your past, and the jealously that you're feeling now. It sounds as though he's been open and honest with you. If he's a decent man who treats you and your children well, don't let a good relationship be ruined by your issues with his son's mother. It's just not worth it. He's with you because he loves you, not her!

OP, you said you watch porn and use sextoys with your P,do you honestly WANT to do this, or are you just doing doing it to please him, knowing that he had a seedy adventurous past? That could be the crux of your issues with him and the ex, apart from your general insecurity.
You may be competing with the ex regarding sexlife, while knowing that you will never really be up for the seedy side that used to appeal to him and to her (and it did, even if he was reluctant at first). That's what's unhealthy - the competition, and trying to please. I notice that you constatly apologise on the thread - maybe you are a pleaser and insecure, and that can well make you angry (resentful) inside. The answer is, stop doing anything that you genuinely don't want to do. Then you have more self-esteem, rather than pleasing him to compete with ex (but still not be able to compete as you hate th seedy swinging etc). Isn't porn just a milder version of swinging? obviously a lot milder, but it's in the same direction - if you hate it, don't do it!

Morning beagles, I'm genuinely happy with our sex life after I separated from my dc's dad I spent a fortune on love honey and bought lots of toys!! Looked at some porn out of curiosity.

So this was before I met my dp, we don't look at porn very often together tbf, I do if I'm alone and I think the same for him.

I'm very comfortable with our sex life, he's never made me feel uncomfortable or asked me to do anything wierd.

Thankyoufor replying to my post beagles.

Thanks for updating us op.

"Isn't porn just a milder version of swinging"

Just read on a prev post not op's

Not in my book either Op.

I enjoy a reasonably naughty sex life ....even enjoy watching a bit of porn with/without dp. However I have never felt the need to do any form of swinging either .....nooooo thank you.

Ex for a reason (prob his ex for Many many reasons) Most of us have insecurities.... don't let this one eat away at you. Enjoy what you have. It sounds pretty good to me. Maybe a little counselling would help. See what you think.

Really hope all works out for you Op good luck x

Is part of it that you can't get your head round how some that you love could have once loved someone you find so vile? That if he could have a loved her once then you're afraid he's not quite the person that you think he is?

It is possible that she was the one who pushed his boundaries in ways he wasn't really comfortable with.

Hi OP, just going to comment here if I dare and flip things about a bit!

My ex H asked me to 'swing' with him and another man 6 years ago. I went along with it to make him happy. It backfired and to cut a long story short he ended up coming out as a x dressing bi-sexual and I left him for the guy that we had had a three-some with.

Thinking that I would be enough for the new guy we settled into a relationship that I obviously thought was meant to be. It wasn't long before he was sharing his fetish fantasies with me and asking me to go to swinging clubs and dogging with him. Looking back now my self esteem was in the toilet. I agreed again to keep him happy. I was infatuated with the guy. I searched his laptop one day and found all sorts of images that I can still see now. So I thought that I had to run with the pack so to speak and keep him satisfied in the same way. We did this for a whole and I totally sacrificed my sexual self which has taken years to rebuild. He is by-sexual and also likes to x dress! No I didn't realise when we first got together and we separated 4 years ago.

I am now with a wonderful man that knows the whole story as he has helped me pick up the broken bits and glued them back together. If he's honest he's repulsed by the thought of how anyone could ever share me and how I was manipulated into doing all sorts of things that i didn't want to do. He has never seen any images as I assume they are all on the exes laptop. If he did he would no doubt feel like you. There are times I know that he has felt insecure about our sex life, as in it not being extreme and has worried that he is not enough for me.

Let me just reassure you that he and our 'normal' sex life is more than enough for me so I very much think that your DP feels the same. Instant gratification comes with extreme sex, maybe this is something that his ex, like my exes craved. It's very easy to get caught up in something kinky and crazy, act first..,think later.

The fact that your DP has never asked you to participate in anything like this just proves to me that he is more than happy with how things are now, with you and just you. Whatever shape or size you are xxx

Glad to hear it, OP, I think it was worth making sure in this discussion that it's not the case, a scenario that could be similar to what Tomkat just descibed, in fact (minus the actual threesomes)! But if he hasn't impose watching porn on you that's fine. Also from your earlier description, it wasn't clear whether you usually watch porn together, and obviously if it was watching mainly group sex porn, then it would really be similar to swinging, some people go to swinging parties just tyo watch btw, so really not a million miles away. But I did mean that it's similar only if the porn features most of the time in your sexlife, and especially if he needed it to get going. Obviously, not the case, so great.

I now tend to agree with posters who said that it may be emotional, i.e. you think if he loves you, how could he also love someone 'vile' and unpleasant, as if you don't know him completely as a person. People do change with age, Op, and also people often get under influence - but now hre influence is shaken off, and he is mature, so try not to fixate on how he used to be.

Thankyou for sharing your story with me Tomkat, sounds very similar! I was ok with it until I came across the vile pictures and now cannot get the image out of my mind......

I've come to the conclusion that it because it all happened in the past I need to draw a line under it all and move on.

Like some of you have said he's with me now and not her. I sometimes think he needs a medal for sticking by me.

Thanks toeveryone who has helped me......X

Gosh, I think it's understandable the OP would feel a bit low/insecure here. It's not that anyone has done anything wrong.... By all accounts the dp is a loving, caring partner. It's just that OP needs to find ways to boost self-confidence and cope with letting go of the past (which given the visuals here) may take some time and even counselling. Even talking on here helps, it helps me with my issues. Hugs OP, you can get beyond this, I'm sure. :)

It's important to remember that there is actually nothing wrong with swinging and fetish clubs. Some people like that sort of sex and others don't. Some people do have negative experiences when they experiment to please a partner, particularly if the partner is abusive, but other people try it at a partner's suggestion and find they thoroughly enjoy it.

And some people try it with one partner, enjoy it at the time but later percieve it as their 'wild past' that's simply something over and done with (similar to people who were into recreational drugs in their youth and simply outgrew their interest, which is very, very common). I think this might well bethe case here. It doesn't sound as though the OP's chap is secretly gagging to get back on the scene.

Bin the card, OP, and look for some counselling for yourself. Your hatred of your DP's XP is unreasonable and damaging - to you, your relationship and to your DP's son.

Swinging or not, how many of us would be upset if we found photos or vids of our partners engaging in their monogamous sex life with a previous partner?

I think you are understandably upset and would be even if it was sexual practices you enjoy.

Thankyou solid, I "dabbled" in drugs whilst at uni before I had my dc and my dp thinks it's terrible,it's noy something I'd dream of doing now so I suppose it's a similar thing?

My dp's partner was quite physically abusive towards him, I often noted that he had scratches to his face and once a laceration to his forehead where she had thrown an ornament at him, this was before we got together.

Although this is no excuse he had the chance to say no when she wanted to try these "extra" sexual activities!

I'm waiting for CBT that my GP has referred me for, I don't want to lose my dp, he really does treat me and the dc so well and I know that unless I sort my insecurities out I'll push him away....

Thanks all xxx

If she was attractive I think I would be ok, she's so vile, I have huge issues about her

You think she is vile. He clearly didn't/doesn't. And he obviously enjoyed sleeping with her.

You either put up with your findings (stay with him) or don't (leave him). The damage has been done and it can't be undone iyswim.

Just put it back where you found it and move on. He has clearly moved on, so why can't you?

Your insecurities are not anyone elses problem.

Yes, I do sound harsh but all you're going to do is lower your self-esteem and have even more resentment towards her. It really isn't worth it.

x

ps, please don't click on the vids

x