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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sickening photo's

164 replies

Needadvice5 · 17/01/2014 17:15

Regular user but DP knows my usual name.

Quick back story:

Been together for 2 years, he's the one.

I have ongoing massive issues with his ex, they had separated along time before we got together and have a ds aged 7 together, she's a very difficult person and I dislike her so much for so many reasons.

He had told me they had been to fetish/swingers clubs together and had participated in threesomes at their house.

I'm very open minded but find it all a little bit seedy, but its his past so I try not to dwell on it too much.

Was clearing our shed out today and found a very well hidden photo memory card, intrigued I put it in my phone and found literally hundred's of photo's of them in various sexual positions with various different people and I feel physically sick and don't know what to say/do?

All advice great fully received!

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 17/01/2014 20:58

Well, he clearly fancied her at some point! maybe he thought she was attractive and not vile Hmm

Original poster
Needadvice5 · 17/01/2014 21:10

Thank you all so much for offering your thoughts and views.

  • I'm happy that the card had been genuinely forgotten about, we currently have a mice infestation in the shed, the mice had chewed lots of stuff in the bag including important documents that he had obviously forgotten about too.
  • He was mortified that I had found it, not spoken properly because he's at work.

-I'm happy that his relationship with her is completely over, she has a new partner and allegedly had lots of affairs whilst they were married.

  • I initially struggled to bond with his ds because he looks like his mum and I suppose he is a constant reminder of their past!

I honestly don't know why I am so hung upon her, not jealous. She has little money, house appears dirty, never does anything nice with her dc.
Please can someone help me understand why I have so much hatred for this woman??

My dp had a relationship previously and she's a lovely person and I have no issues with her, I see her as being very much a part of his past but the other ex is just a massive angry trigger for me.

I am anxious and quite paranoid, on meds from GP, maybe this is part of why I feel like this???

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 17/01/2014 21:13

I think one way or another you have to accept that she is part of his life because they have a child together and that they have a history. He's with you now because he loves you not her. And that she's difficult isn't going to change so just has to be dealt with as best as your partner can.

From your description it doesn't even sound like was necessarily watching them but that they were half forgotten about, unimportant to him, and how do you safely get rid of explicit material anyway. You don't want someone to find it and upload it to porntube. You say it was stuff he emptied out of his car. they are often full of useless rubbish.

I don't blame you for wanting mind bleach or it getting to you for now, but they weren't doing anything wrong and you need to move past it eventually.

Original poster
Needadvice5 · 17/01/2014 21:19

Thank you Billy that all makes sense, I really don't know why I'm like this, think I need some counselling or something because maybe I have past issues that are causing these anxieties??

I am quite a level headed normal person, usually!

OP posts:
EverybodysStressyEyed · 17/01/2014 21:20

Would counselling help?

The unhealthiest thing here is if your stepson is exposed to the arguments or hears things about what you say about her to him.

She is always going to be a part of your life - but only on the sidelines so don't let it bother you or you'll turn into my step mil who caused a massive atmosphere at my wedding because she hates mil.

Wuxiapian · 17/01/2014 21:24

Why are you so obsessed with his ex and what difference does her slimness or illiteracy make? Hey obviously loved her at some point.

You should try forget about it and move on or the relationship won't last.

Only1scoop · 17/01/2014 21:28

Op I bet he was mortified that you found it and I am inclined to believe he had forgotten about it.
I think it can be hard when your partner has previously shared a different kind of sex life with a previous partner. I'm not prudish as I'm sure is your case but certain antics which my dp used to get up to in previous relationships were not up my street....I often wondered and have previously asked him if he feels he is missing out now as 'we' don't take part in that stuff. I think seeing those photos must have been difficult.
Sounds like you have a great time together but you do need to address why you have such a strong dislike for the ex partner. Don't let it eat you up. Speak to dp about it.
Good luck.

BillyBanter · 17/01/2014 21:34

If anyone is troublesome in whatever way it's perfectly natural, I think, to wish them out of the way. But that's not always feasible. In some circumstances you can't just cut them out or move to the other end of the country or just block them on facebook and so never have to encounter them again. If she has genuinely caused you a lot of trouble then of course you don't like her and wish your partner didn't have to have anything to do with her.

You can't though. So maybe if you do find her existence and your partner's past playing on your mind and playing on any insecurities you may have then counselling might not be such a bad idea.

What you found today is upsetting. I think most people would find it upsetting or at least icky. Who wants to see that? Yuck. It's ok for it to bother you for a few days or weeks. Flashback! Urgh.

TheVictorian · 17/01/2014 21:38

op if you want to compete with some of the activities your dp has done with his ex you could put together your own set of saucy photos. im not suggesting going to fetish/swinger events but more of a set that your both happy with.

Bogeyface · 17/01/2014 21:39

He obviously loved her at some point.

I think this is the issue.

The other ex he didnt love enough or was committed enough to to have a a child with. But with the ex, he did. The OP knows that she isnt his one and only, that someone beat her to all the firsts, first fiancee, first wife, mother of first child etc.

OP in all seriousness I do think that counselling to explore these feelings would be helpful for you. She exists. As much as you wish that wasnt true, it is. And she will always be in your life as long as you are with your DP, so you either need to come to peace with that or split up with your DP. It really is that simple. If you dont then your irrational hatred of her will poison your relationship with your DPs son and by extension your DP.

You sound like you want to sort this out which I think is a good thing. There was a (now deleted) thread where many years down the line the second wife still had such massive hatred and contempt for the first wife that it was obviously affecting her judgement, I would hate for that to be you.

GideonKipper · 17/01/2014 21:45

It does sound like you're very insecure which is a shame because it seems you have a fundamentally good relationship with this man.

I wonder if this ex causes issues with you because you are aware that they had this wild, different lifestyle together and you almost feel a bit threatened by it - that you can't 'match up' and your dp may ultimately get bored with you. This then manifests itself in a real resentment of this woman. Armchair psychology I know!

I feel sorry for your dp in these circumstances. He can't undo his past and it's unfair to be angry with him about it now.

Original poster
Needadvice5 · 17/01/2014 21:46

Thank you Only, I feel very inferior, especially after seeing those awful pictures, our sex life isn't dull, we use toys and watch porn, but nothing as sordid as his previous stuff.
He's clearly said he would never want me to do anything like that.

Every, I honestly don't show my feelings in front of his ds, that would be terrible, he comes and talks about his mum a lot and I am fine with it.

Thank you Billy, She has been a complete night mare to be fair and caused lots of trouble but that doesn't excuse my hatred of her.

My ex (my dc's father) was an abusive wanker and has also caused lots of stress, had lots of court cases to attend from when he last assaulted me as we were separating and my dp has stood by me and supported me 100% without hesitation. He's never once doubted us or dragged my past up! wtf is wrong with me? why can't I accept his past??

OP posts:
paperlantern · 17/01/2014 21:49

can I ask if the issue with her is that he clearly was turned on amd enjoyed stuff that would not be of interest to you and that you really find abhorrent.

seeing pictures of him doing stuff and him turned on must have been unnerving.

if this is the case the thing to remember is he has chosen you and the sex life you have.

paperlantern · 17/01/2014 21:52

x-post.

People engage in fetish sex for all sorts of reason. not everyone will do it for ever, not everyone would want to. Sometimes it fulfills a need at the time.

Original poster
Needadvice5 · 17/01/2014 21:53

you're all making me cry! think you've hit the nail on the head Bogey and Gideon, thank you.

I'm quite awful to him because of her and its driving a big wedge between us! I need to stop this strange obsession before we separate.

I knew about the stuff they were into but its in the past.

I love and adore him, he's brilliant with me and my dc, he does everything and anything to make our lives easier.
My family think he's amazing and his family have accepted me and my dc. He's so lovely all the time, I need to sort myself out and not let his past ruin our relationship!

CAN'T THANK YOU ALL ENOUGH, YOU ARE AN AMAZING KNOWLEDABLE BUNCH XXXXXX

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/01/2014 21:55

Why are you embroiled in hating his ex?how toxic and pointless
Look he's with you,not her. Stop being so churned up be she was this and that
They have history.you need to get over that,or it'll drive wedge between you and him

Original poster
Needadvice5 · 17/01/2014 21:59

Hi Paper, he told me in the beginning that it was something she wanted to try for a long time and he eventually gave in and although he was initially uncomfortable they continued. she's still into that kind of thing.

He seems happy with our sex life! I am a lot bigger than her (she's a size 8 and I am a 16) but when asked he says he doesn't care?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/01/2014 22:04

Stop with the comparisons!so what I'd shes sz8
You're not.and you're not her
Or you can torment yourself on and on...well what you going to do?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 17/01/2014 22:07

Of course he doesn't care! He is with you. He loves you.

It must have been a horrible find, v shocking but please don't let it come between you.

Many of us did things in the past that would be quite anathema to us now- fortunately I don't think there is photographic evidence of any of the stuff I did but if there were, it would have no baring on me and the relationship I'm in now.

scottishmummy · 17/01/2014 22:08

He gave in,participated in sex acts to please her?
Umm,same sex acts he's kept copy of that he re-visits,doesn't seem like unwilling participant to me
If it was about pleasing partner and. Compliance why did be keep the memento

Original poster
Needadvice5 · 17/01/2014 22:12

Scottish, I am happy that the card was genuinely forgotten about.
Going bed now before he's back from work as I really don't want to have to talk about it with him now, I feel very guilty for giving him such a hard time over his ex.

Thanks to you all for posting!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/01/2014 22:13

Did he say forgotten?well he would say that....

Logg1e · 17/01/2014 22:26

I believe him, that it was forgotten about.

SirRaymondClench · 17/01/2014 22:41

Scottish you seem to be almost baiting the Op.

Fucks sake, she's found something that the majority of us would rather never see and she is understandably upset.
She is hardly the first person to have issues with a partners former partner especially if she gets grief from that person. She admits she needs to find a way to deal with these feelings and yet you keep on at her.

You're like a block of fucking ice at times! Hmm

scottishmummy · 17/01/2014 22:45

Gosh,I see your point,seeing you're so measured in your responses
Thanks for that précis