Too much of an age gap?

[fluffyduckie]

So it isn't really an issue as it is just a crush but do you think a 20ish year age gap is too much?

What 39 yr old man would be interested in a 16 yr old girl? It does seem a bit creepy.

HumOlive you'd be very surprised! I remember an older man probably in his 40s trying to chat me up on my way to school when I was 15. I screamed at him that I was on my way to school and he said he didn't mind!!

Takingbackmonday - it might be a problem in later life. When you're in your 40's getting ready for a night on the town, he'll be getting ready for a night on his electric blanket.

my husband and I are 13 years apart. The biggest thing I noticed was the experience gap. But then, he'd only just moved out of his mother's (some kids leave home very late if they're taking further education here) and I was his first relationship, + he hadn't travelled further than the nearby city.

we've overcome it but it wasn't easy.

the second problem is that I notice physically I am not up to his standards nowadays, but I'm not in good health anyway so that can probably be ignored if you're both fit and healthy. But longer term, you'd have to accept that the older one would loose the physical peak quicker than the younger.

Don't want to de-rail the thread or anything but how did Bill Wyman avoid getting into any trouble?

neil cunning PR/damage limitation, Mandy's money grabbing mother and a handsome divorce settlement when it all went belly tits up! The Elvis/Priscilla story wasn't much different either!

My new bf is 13 years older, XH is 10 years older. I like someone who has experience they can share - I don't want to be the one "teaching" the other, and I definitely don't want to be the one with the most sexual partners, which, er, narrows it down a bit

I went on a few dates with men my age recently, and they were nice, but... I dunno. Maybe they were just the wrong men.

I found the biggest thing age wise with XH was that he kind of "gave up" a bit - he was happy to spend our nights "off" in the local pub, whereas I wanted to go into town and do interesting things - not clubbing, but actual things as opposed to talking about football. But then he spent most of his evenings in the pub anyway He also had a habit of being really patronising, but again I think that was more personality than age.

New bf is nearer in age to my mum than me, and I am nearer in age to his SON. Which is a bit weird, but our age gap is about as far as we can go at our ages and it not be bad and wrong based on the half age plus seven rule.

This is a really interesting thread!

Can I reverse it though, in terms of what if the older person is the woman with a man 20 years younger?

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I only ever wanted women who were about fortyish. Most of them just brushed me off as if I was a kid though. When I finally got one, I thought she'd teach me a thing or two but she didn't.

I'm 29 & my husband is 46, although you would think it's the other way round. 46 more like 16! I find myself saying things like "don't you think you should get off xbox so dd can have a turn" or "please share the nerf gun/scooter/remote control car, i think the kids would like a go"
I love it & am pretty sure he'll always be like this. I'll be 60 years old chasing a 76 year old man round the supermarket while he tries to use the trolley as a surfboard, god help me!

Bill Wyman - because it was the 80s and people just didn't think it was that wrong.

My lady neighbours Dh is 21 years younger than her. She was widowed young, met her Dh and they got together. They have been very happily married for 43 years. He looks a bit older, she looks younger. Lovely couple. The only thing is that now she is very ill and it really is only a matter of time and he will, I know, be heartbroken.

For me there are only two potential issues (that I can think of atm).

First, do you want children and when, how old would you both be and how might that impact family life.

Second, is the younger partner prepared to care for the older when they get to the age where that's needed?

I have a friend who has just turned 30 and is in a relationship (3yrs) with a chap of 57. She is concerned about kids and care. She doesn't want to leave having kids too much later both as even now he'd be a dad to a toddler at 60, and potentially dying of plain old age when the child is in their teens. She equally doesn't want to have to decide between caring for him in his dotage, which she would do, and her career - she could have to give up work in her 40s, care for him for a few years and then find herself alone with no career in her early 60s.

However, they are very much in love and very compatible so they are working round these issues, so for me, it would be a matter of weighing up the value of the relationship vs the cost of the issues, and for them it is clearly worth it.

I think that is the point though, I think it is society which frowns more on age gaps, rather than those actually considering being/or is currently in a good solid relationship where there is an age gap.

Age gaps do not bother me in the slightest, it is more about the individuals involved rather than the number of years.

neiljames77 you say he doesn't notice you and you think he could do better. I think if he knew you liked him, he'd notice you. He probably wouldn't believe his luck. Flattering for a bloke that you know.

Really?

He really is just a nice man. He is quiet though and I am shy so I don't know how it would move on at all.

I am 61, eek would hate a DP of 81, and when I am 66, (not that over the hill) they would be 86 eeeeek. Def a nono for me.

I think the whole 'I don't know what it will be like when I'm a sprightly 40 and he's a 60 year old codger ' thing is a bit of a red herring.

It's easy to think ahead in terms of numbers - forgetting that there is a person attached to those numbers, and years of shared history.

I'm nearly 40, and my beloved dp is 55. He's funny, cool, smart and sexy - even at the grand old age of 55!

To be frank, a boring old fart will be a boring old fart at 21, 41 and 61 my stbxh for example

Whereas a man who is interested in you, life and the world around him is likely to remain so.

As far as ending up as a carer goes - well, that could happen at any age. There were days between my grandparents, and poor grandad ended up looking after my grandma and their two dds for years after she developed a serious heart condition - eventually losing her when they were both 36

There are no guarantees. Carpe diem!

fluffy

I just saw a post you made on another thread. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it here.

If you are really so embarrassingly shy around this guy, why don't you ask your friend to mention something to him while she is at work?

Or do you not want your friend to know about this either?

If you can get your friend to say something - I know this sounds a bit like in school ''my friend likes you'' - but, seriously, just get your friend to drop some hints that you quite like him, but are too embarrassed to say anything, and see where it goes.

If he is quite shy as well, then the knowledge that you fancy him should make it a lot easier for him to say something if he is interested.

Either that, or if he doesn't then I can't imagine how your friend will be able to resist playing matchmaker.

One point of view with age gaps is it depends on whether its a relationship or more of a fling. As with the rise of the cougar woman some times the woman can be in her late 50's early 60's and the guy is late 20's.

A friend of mine had a long and happy marriage with a guy 28 years older - he was far less mature than her when they met when she was 16!

My friend does know so she could maybe drop some hints. I don't want him to be embarrassed though and she isn't very subtle. It would just be awful if she told him and he was horrified!

The love of my life is 18 years older than me. When we finally got together we both knew it just wasn't going to work.
I live 200 miles from him now and when I go home or he visits it's brilliant...but a relationship wouldn't have worked.

age means NOTHING. It's compatibility that counts... best of luck!

TawdryTatou, fab post! My dp is 14 years older than me, and is the funniest, loveliest, kindest, cleverest, sexiest man I've ever known......and I'm sure I'd feel the same if I was the same age as him! Of course there are considerations, but these issues aren't limited to age gap relationships. If you're happy together, that's really all that matters. My ExH was one year older but we had NOTHING in common....it's all about the individuals and the compatibility. The women I work with have partners 8, 10, 12 and 14 years older, and are all very happy.....as us the other one who's husband is 5 years younger! Happiness is hard to find, so just grab it regardless of age :)

wouldn't like it myself. had to end a relationship with a man 11 years older. Try as I did, and as nice as he was, he felt too old for me.

That calculation, half age plus seven is a load of horse shit invented by men who want a formula that makes it ok for a 70 year old to date a woman my age!! yak.