Jilted at the alter...is there ever an "excuse"?

[ConfusedLady8]

I posted in MI too for a more medical perspective on this, but please ladies can I have an emotional viewpoint on this also. I am so confused.

My DP of 3.5 years and I were in a very happy, loving relationship where I really did feel like I had found my other half. We just got on really well and and enjoyed being together and there was still sparks flying all over the place. He proposed, and our wedding was due to go ahead in October.

In September, he sent me a text to say he was sorry but couldn't go through with the wedding. He moved out of our house and would not see or talk to me to even discuss it. I was completely devastated and still am. I cry all the time and can't seem to let go.

Before this happened, he had previously been kind, thoughtful, unselfish, loving, supportive and dedicated all the time really. I wouldn't have had a bad word to say about him. I had no idea why this happened at the time but I suppose I had presumed there was an OW and I had just been blind to it.

It transpires now, 5 months later, that he has a stress induced nervous breakdown. He was very stressed out in the months before the wedding because my business had failed leaving us with debts and he was worried about the wedding costs. He took on a second job to help with costs and he was tired and frazzled. He's under treatment for a major depressive episode right now.

After treating me like complete crap for 5 months, he has now contacted me and said he is coming out of his depression and realises he made a massive mistake. He said his actions weren't "him".

Does anyone think that being MI is an "excuse" for saying nasty things, behaving very coldly, emotionally withdrawing, behaving very selfishly and causing a lot of pain to others without seeming to even care? He wants me to give him another chance.

I am so confused.

Half of me loves him still as much as before, I miss him, I can't imagine being with anyone else and I do believe he has had a breakdown as I know from friends that he has been signed off work and has not really left the house for months. I want to try and remember him as the man I thought he was and I really want that man back in my life.

On the other hand, months have passed, I have started to move on and gained some acceptance and I am terrified of being hurt any more than he has already hurt me. I feel like (MI or not) he did something really unforgivable to me and caused me so much hurt that I feel like I am no longer confident of his feeling towards me and also feel like I don't know him.

Please tell me if how much of a role an illness like this can play in relationships, and if you feel taking him back would be a bad idea. I am very, very confused.

He has said he will fix the humiliation by writing a public letter to all our friends and family to say he had a nervous breakdown and stuff but I still feel embarrassed when I see people. A lot of people don't even know the wedding never happened and they keep congratulating me.

Please help and try and give a balanced view. I am a serial lurker on here and know there is a lot of LTB advocates here, but please consider that we had an otherwise great relationship and I really wanted to marry this man. if there's any way to excuse his behaviour I'd like to do that but don't want to marry a man who doesn't love me as much as I love him.

The reason I am worried about this is because he said and acted also like he didn't love me anymore during this situation!

I would forget about marrying for a while. I think you are still grieving for the future you saw before you with him.

Maybe you can overcome the feelings of anger while having contact with him. It seems unnatural to go nc with someone you love, because he is sorry and feels ashamed. That doesn't mean you have to have a relationship again but it could help you understand what happened without getting hurt again.

As he cannot possibly be recovered fully, he is only just surfacing, don't commit to anything. Keeping an open door is a good analogy. I didn't mean the bedroom door

I've been mulling this over because I can see it from both sides.

My best friend's fiance called off their wedding very close to the wedding date. I think there are similarities in that the whole thing stressed him out, although for different reasons. She was naturally devastated and thought her life was over. Fast forward a few years and her life is very different, her new dh is amazing and she is much much happier than she ever could have been in hindsight with the original guy. (He also asked her to give it another go several months after the event and she felt that wasn't a risk she could take)

OTOH, I have had depression and it made me behave very oddly indeed, in a way I didn't recognise myself and nor did dh. I am immensely grateful that dh stuck by me in all of that, as I wouldn't have blamed him in the slightest if he hadn't. The depression made me think I had real relationship problems - I thought dh was making me miserable whereas the truth was my depression was making it very difficult to have a proper relationship.

I think what would worry me most from what you've said is that he felt that way and couldn't share it with you. That isn't what a partnership means to me - I feel like I can tell dh anything - and I would worry that this would rear its head again. It's one of the most striking similarities to my friend's situation as well - she said looking back they never talked about important or uncomfortable stuff - her now dh encourages her to talk about everything that's bothering her and she says it's great.

I agree with pps who have said don't commit to anything. Why not get on with your life and if at some point he can be a part of that then great?

Thanks so much Struggling100...I will probably take you up on that if it's ok.

He is one month into treatment, so very early days. It's just good to get a general sense. You're a very strong lady.

Yes, my best friend got engaged 3 months after me and her wedding is coming up. It's all bloody awful as I feel bad for her because she feels guilty. I had to hide my wedding dress and the boxes of stuff at Mum's.

Over time though, these things seem worthless. I realised I don;t give a damn about the wedding or anyone else but us and what I miss most is just him.

"I realised I don;t give a damn about the wedding or anyone else but us and what I miss most is just him."

Be CAREFUL, Confused, that's pretty full on when all you've got is a very mentally unwell man expressing his regret at something he still hasn't fully worked through.

Remember that YOU are vulnerable here, both to getting hurt and to putting intolerable pressure on a still very sick man.

Of course it's OK for you to contact me! I'll give you my email too. And I'm honestly not that strong, certainly no stronger than you are! It's one day at a time through these things, and it's only when you look back that you think 'Damn! It's been four months!' Taking it slowly is important, particularly as you've had a break from each other. It will take time to rebuild trust. The last thing you need right now is any pressure. He needs to continue with his recovery, and he needs to understand that part of the deal of that recovery is that once he's able, he needs to put effort into reassuring you and making you feel loved (big stylee!)

Does anyone think that being MI is an "excuse" for saying nasty things, behaving very coldly, emotionally withdrawing, behaving very selfishly and causing a lot of pain to others without seeming to even care?

If the MI is the cause of those behaviours, yes.

If the MI is entirely coincidental to those behaviors, no.

If the MI is contributing to those behaviours, they are excusable to whatever extent the MI is contributing.

Simples.

ShoeWhore...this is what he described. He said he felt that he was miserable and not happy and took this ti mean it was a problem of falling out of love but that once he realised (slowly) that he was unhappy and miserable with EVERYTHING and felt no love for ANYONE including his own dd from previous relationship that he knew he was depressed.

He said it took him a long time to understand because he didn't think he was the type to get MI and it was a long journey.

Thanks Struggling and don't worry all. I know I might get hurt again. I will stay prepared

And guys..in the meantime...am I best to keep as friends? No flirting...romantic talk..

Would I be mad to spend a mini break with him, or go on a date...kiss...or even more?

Best to keep a safe distance till I feel he is "well"?

When we talk in no time it becomes like old times and I don't know what boundaries are best

I think only you can judge what you are comfortable with in terms of boundaries, because one person can go on a date and be emotionally detached, while another will be putting themselves in a vulnerable position. It also depends on your judgement of how well you think he is.

As you are probably well aware already, your feelings are likely to leap out and smack you around the head when you least expect it (I once found myself sobbing over a packet of cheap biscuits in Tesco!)... so perhaps limit it to shorter meetings without alcohol at the start and work up to that mini-break when you feel you can handle it (holidays, with the expectation that you 'ought' to be happy, can be pressured). Couples counselling could be a really good place to explore some of the hurt that you both feel in an environment that is safe. Because you WILL be hurt, you WILL be angry, and you need to be able to deal with those things in a constructive and safe way together, rather than screaming at him then feeling bad!

"And guys..in the meantime...am I best to keep as friends? No flirting...romantic talk..."

Given that he is a month into treatment after a breakdown during which getting away from you was his priority?

I would say an emphatic yes.

"Would I be mad to spend a mini break with him, or go on a date...kiss...or even more?"

I would say completely mad and unfair to his recovery.

"Best to keep a safe distance till I feel he is "well"?"

Best to keep a safe distance until BOTH he is well AND you are not so vulnerable as you appear to be right now.

He's not the only person who matter here.

A terrible, traumatic, upsetting thing just happened to you through no fault of your own.

You have your own healing to do.

And he can't help you with it.

I'd keep your distance at the moment. It all sounds like alot of hard work to me and I'm not sure I could be bothered with it.
It sounds as though you have your own issues as you describe yourself as having been jilted at the alter when in fact he pulled out the month before the wedding.
If the whole wedding palaver hadn't existed and he had just dumped you and not spoken to you for a while would you still feel as upset about it?
If you were happy for 3 years things may work but I'd take things very slowly now, I'm not sure why he's talking about public letters, that all sounds melodramatic and OTT. Surely if you get back together you can just tell close friends. It doesn't have to be all his fault or his illnesses fault. If you're still crying all the time then do you have depression?
I would be concerned about how he'd handle stress in the future though and want to ensure he gets therapy and learns to manage stress better and you can both communicate better before getting together again.

I would say, distance for now, no contact while you are away,. see how things are on your return.

And if you meet a fantastic bloke on your travels, go for it, do not feel committed to your fiance.

He is one month into treatment

Then you should definitely keep your distance. Keep in contact if you like but don't put your life on hold for this man.

I think it's a good thing that you are away for 3 months.
You say you planned this morning to tell him you wanted no contact and that last night you wrote a very angry letter... Now you are asking whether you should contemplate flirting / kissing / more (by which presumably you mean sex). I think you really should slow right down. I think the speed at which you are making (tentative) decisions about this suggest to me that you are in danger of underestimating what has happened (to both of you) and glossing over it. You need to take time and care. Are you still seeing a therapist? That would be a safe space in which to talk about this.

Confused I think everyone deserves another chance. This guy didn't lie or cheat on you, yes he broke your heart and disappointed you, because of a breakdown, a medical condition. If he's done some work into understanding and preventing this occurring again I would say give him another chance! I'm a hopeless hopeless romantic! I hope you find the strength and courage to make the right decision for YOU. GOOD LUCK

don't be hasty , personally I would give him another chance. it's not as simple to say he was 'stressed' , he wasn't well and can now recognise that . you don't have to rush things . remember that if he is the one , it's in sickness and in health . are you prepared for that ?

"I think the speed at which you are making (tentative) decisions about this suggest to me that you are in danger of underestimating what has happened (to both of you) and glossing over it. You need to take time and care."

^This

I sort of feel a bit "in or out" on it.

I can keep my distance from him emotionally, but only by NC really and sort of trying to forget him. That might sound harsh, but he made me grow accustomed very quickly to him not being in my life and that was an incredibly painful transition to make. Facing this has been the worst time of my life.

When it happened all you can do is wish and wish that he will call and say it was all a big mistake. I suspected to be honest he was having a breakdown because he acted like a different person and I was hoping for so long for the call to tell me that.

When it comes, you have mixed feelings because on one hand you are so happy and on the other hand it confuses you because ill or not ill, that person has put you through so much pain and has not been there for you at all and you have disconnected and begun the grieving process

I know going away is the best thing...he will have done four months of treatment by then and we will both be healing, but in the meantime he is talking about meeting up and I suspect we will fall into bed. It was always fireworks a bit with us and to be honest I have been so low and so lonely and sad that the thought of escaping into it sounds like a relief from the hell I've been living in.

I love him, but I am SO angry and SO hurt and have no idea really where I am on it all so I know falling into bed with him or going off on holidays is just living in a fantasy where none of the problems are really properly rectified.

Maybe best if I tell him we can email, phone and text for now a then actually spend physical time together when I am back, or maybe have couples counselling. We are 40 minutes apart just now, so I can;t really run into him. I know this sort of thing is more clever, but being honest I want to invite him round tonight and just get hugged and it;s hard to keep my distance.

One minute I love him and am desperate to see him and fix it, and the next minute I literally hate him.

I know if we are in any sort of contact at all, I still feel like we are "together" and can't really move on. It does mess with your head.

I'd go away and have a great time and concentrate on YOU.

he ultimately needs to concentrate on HIM too.

I think after all that when this dies down THEN you should think about your future together.

There's no hurry. I was in love and my head messed up by my ex for ages, had therapy etc - this summer I was finally over him.

Now met a new man in November and happy as Larry and couldn't think of anyone else. there is hope either way. Good luck!

"One minute I love him and am desperate to see him and fix it, and the next minute I literally hate him."

That means that, for now at least, you CAN'T be part of his healing process.

It's not fair on you, and it's not fair on him.

Meeting up with him now and shagging him is a terrible, terrible idea.

I think your idea of having no contact until after you come back and giving both of you more time to find your equilibrium is a very good idea.

oh I know this may be not what you want but maybe a short session of therapy could help as you'd get your thoughts straight over what was very traumatic.

you can also tell therapist all about this and they'll be fab - mine was with me.

Join - you're so right - I was running back and shagging the ex and it messed my and his head.

no good to anyone in long run.

I was dumped weeks before my wedding. The minute it happened I pretty much knew there was no going back. The pain and humiliation he inflicted on me were just too much to ever come back from. That would have been the case regardless of what the reason was for calling it off, mental health issues or otherwise. Because, you know, what about my mental health?! I was not in a good way for a long time after it happened, and still struggle with the whole thing at times.

Anyway, just want to say I sympathise and regardless of his mental health issues, you should put yourself first. Do what you think will make you happy. If that is giving him another chance, then do that, but consider carefully whether you can really get over all the hurt and move on with your relationship - I couldn't have.

Two years on, I'm single. I sometimes wonder if I will ever meet 'The One'. But I am a much better, much stronger version of the old me that was engaged and about to be married. And as well as a lot of hard times (particularly the first year afterwards), I've had some really amazing fun times that I wouldn't have had, had I got married to him. So if you decide not to give him a chance, know that it will get better.

I'm a hopeless hopeless romantic!

Me too but sometimes stuff like this happens and you start to lose your faith.

I have to say, I never thought this would happen to me. I have mates who's DPs go out drinking, make eyes at other women, put their friends first, act insensitive. I know lots of couples with a lot of drama and big ups and downs. I really thought we had no problems and just felt lucky really all the time. Our "fights" were always short, clean and calm for the most part and ended with us laughing and both apologising no matter who was wrong. We were just happy, and I thought even on the crappest days we made each other smile. No tensions, no nothing. It's hard to realise he was hiding anxiety from me and feelings over 2 - 3 months of loss of love for me and that I knew nothing about this. Worrying even, but maybe as he says he was hiding it even from himself and he thought it was just stress that would pass. Still..there's a lot of work and thinking to do on that. I do feel stupid and insecure. Examining every look, every touch to wonder how I missed this.

it's in sickness and in health . are you prepared for that ?

Yes. But of course only if he actually really loves me enough for that too - and at the moment that remains not certain :( I want to know this once he is recovered and knows his own mind really clearly and also want some sort of "proof", which I know is probably impossible to ask for.