Jilted at the alter...is there ever an "excuse"?

[ConfusedLady8]

I posted in MI too for a more medical perspective on this, but please ladies can I have an emotional viewpoint on this also. I am so confused.

My DP of 3.5 years and I were in a very happy, loving relationship where I really did feel like I had found my other half. We just got on really well and and enjoyed being together and there was still sparks flying all over the place. He proposed, and our wedding was due to go ahead in October.

In September, he sent me a text to say he was sorry but couldn't go through with the wedding. He moved out of our house and would not see or talk to me to even discuss it. I was completely devastated and still am. I cry all the time and can't seem to let go.

Before this happened, he had previously been kind, thoughtful, unselfish, loving, supportive and dedicated all the time really. I wouldn't have had a bad word to say about him. I had no idea why this happened at the time but I suppose I had presumed there was an OW and I had just been blind to it.

It transpires now, 5 months later, that he has a stress induced nervous breakdown. He was very stressed out in the months before the wedding because my business had failed leaving us with debts and he was worried about the wedding costs. He took on a second job to help with costs and he was tired and frazzled. He's under treatment for a major depressive episode right now.

After treating me like complete crap for 5 months, he has now contacted me and said he is coming out of his depression and realises he made a massive mistake. He said his actions weren't "him".

Does anyone think that being MI is an "excuse" for saying nasty things, behaving very coldly, emotionally withdrawing, behaving very selfishly and causing a lot of pain to others without seeming to even care? He wants me to give him another chance.

I am so confused.

Half of me loves him still as much as before, I miss him, I can't imagine being with anyone else and I do believe he has had a breakdown as I know from friends that he has been signed off work and has not really left the house for months. I want to try and remember him as the man I thought he was and I really want that man back in my life.

On the other hand, months have passed, I have started to move on and gained some acceptance and I am terrified of being hurt any more than he has already hurt me. I feel like (MI or not) he did something really unforgivable to me and caused me so much hurt that I feel like I am no longer confident of his feeling towards me and also feel like I don't know him.

Please tell me if how much of a role an illness like this can play in relationships, and if you feel taking him back would be a bad idea. I am very, very confused.

He has said he will fix the humiliation by writing a public letter to all our friends and family to say he had a nervous breakdown and stuff but I still feel embarrassed when I see people. A lot of people don't even know the wedding never happened and they keep congratulating me.

Please help and try and give a balanced view. I am a serial lurker on here and know there is a lot of LTB advocates here, but please consider that we had an otherwise great relationship and I really wanted to marry this man. if there's any way to excuse his behaviour I'd like to do that but don't want to marry a man who doesn't love me as much as I love him.

The reason I am worried about this is because he said and acted also like he didn't love me anymore during this situation!

The fact is, people who are strongly driven by familial duty (and it sounds like your partner might be like that because he clearly had a very fixed idea of how the wedding OUGHT to be) can be amazingly good at hiding their 'true' feelings and putting on a show, even with the people who are closest to them. In my DH's family, you aren't allowed to go against the Done Thing, and you're not allowed any emotional individuality either. That's how he grew up, and a huge part of his crisis was realising he could let it go and be open

Struggling100 this describes his family exactly . He is so worried all the time about the "done thing" and keeping his parents happy in terms of our wedding. He never shows any real emotion to them at all. They all just brush over things. His Mum had a cancer scare and no one even seemed to react. I come from a half Spanish half Irish family and we are all so open emotionally. everyone hugs and kisses, everyone complains about their life :) We all just talk about everything...! Maybe too much so but it allows stresses to be handled better.

Struggling100...can you just talk me through time timescale and process for your DH to get better, and also whether or not you lived with him during recovery etc? I am sorry to be nosy, but an idea of someone with such a similar experience would be good. I feel like everything in my life is on hold.

I think his upbringing is responsible for his way of dealing with this immense pressure. If nothing ever gets mentioned, stiff upper lip, not to worry the women, he had no alternative way of dealing with this sort of situation.

In your shoes, I really wouldn't want to make a decision now. Like him, when in a severe state due to MI, don't do anything that changes your life situation, don't split up, buy a house, sign any legal documents etc.

Someone should have told him this when he ran away. Because people in a crisis don't behave rationally. They regret it afterwards because they really would not behaved like that if they were well.

I understand your hurt. But if he is really the love of your life, then let him be a part of your life again and see how it goes. It may feel like you're "on hold" with your "moving on". But this is the only chance you get at finding out if you could be together, if he can change thanks to therapy. If you move on and leave him behind, this door is closed.

You sound loving and caring, if you let him back into your life make sure you don't do it because you pity him. He probably doesn't need or want that anyway. Do it because you love him.

And if you decide the hurt was too bad, you cannot have him in your life because you would always be reminded of this cruel act of just leaving, don't beat yourself up.

The choice isn't between (a) leave him forever or (b) get married tomorrow.

The OP could agree to get back together and take it very cautiously, and see what happens. I think the idea of marriage has to be put on hold though, at the very least, until everything and everyone is more settled and there is some understanding about what is actually going on here in this relationship.

If he has had a nervous breakdown that is a good reason to have called the wedding off. Only you know whether it is worth the risk of starting up the relationship again. I would be very wary indeed if it was me and I don't think I would.

I couldn't do this.

I would have to have rock solid advice that he was being medicated, in therapy and more (not sure what more) before I'd even consider taking him back. I'm not sure if you going for therapy with him would help. what sort of MI does he have exactly?

My ex was like this - stressed and emotionally unavailable - then turned out he was about to be made bankrupt, we were on and off during this period then he confessed this to me but it was all about me being patient and being understanding.

i would worry whether this person had a narcissistic personality (and is using the stress/MI to cover) and indeed these types find it hard to be cold.

I've HAD MI myself by the way AND therapy and meds (Prozac mostly).

It would always be at the back of mind what if he does this again? and with more pressures?

I'm glad you've found this all helpful

Just another positive story -- I used to suffer from chronic depression, to the point where about 12 years ago I had a breakdown and tried to kill myself. I finally got therapy, it changed my life and I haven't had a major depressive episode since. I've gone on to get married, have DC, a new career, etc. and am really happy.

So while I agree with Fair that you are not really the same person on the other side of treatment, it's not a foregone conclusion that you will relapse or have continuing problems. If you embrace treatment and have a good therapist and the will to change things, you can really go on to have a normal and happy life. That's not a definite thing, but it is entirely possible.

I think it's great you're going away for 3 months -- have fun!! And see how you feel when you get back.

You are hurt. It stands to reason. He needs to know he hurt you, and he needs to deal with that. If you can't be friends op, then be clear, don't feel guilty. At his stage he shouldn't be talking to you about fairytale plans down the line, he should be dealing with things day to day, and focussing on what he can manage. Has he still got a job for example?

As for the future and a breakdown - it might happen again, but he might also be taking on board CBT now, to help deal with this. Some deal with it better than others.

I have found CBT helpful in identifying the triggers. That's the problem with mental health. When you hurt your arm or feel sick, the symptoms are outward, you are inside looking out at them. When the symptoms of depression or stress are in your head, normal and other thoughts mix, it's a very subtle takeover. You stop knowing where you are in all of it, and you don't communicate properly most of the time.

I suffered a huge jolt in life yesterday - which would have previously spiraled me into chaos. I recognize the signs already today. Not wanting to get dressed, not wanting to see people who care about me, not wanting to communicate.

So I am making small achievable lists - clean teeth, shower today. See one friend this week etc. I cannot tell you how much physical energy these things take to achieve, a person on a normal scale of mental health just couldn't grasp it, I think.

And I feel slightly ashamed op, because outside me is a very successful career person, a great laugh, a supportive person and inside me wants to hide in a dark room and cry. And it is impossible to be both.

Sorry - I know it's all about me but I don't know if experiences are helping?

Wally, again, you've described it perfectly -- CBT is great and yes, it is all about recognising those warning signs and heading them off.

OP that's the kind of thing you'll want to hear he's learning, if you do decide to get back together. He can't just say 'it won't happen again', he needs to have some more self-awareness and some new coping skills. These don't have to be anything complicated, it can be as simple as going for a walk when you feel a little down.

Wally -- I'm sorry you're feeling down and please don't feel ashamed. You will feel better! Just give it some time and have faith in yourself.

I don't think you should get back together with him. I feel you should try to work towards forgiving him though - for your own sake.

Many (I'd go so far as to say most) MH problems do not cause otherwise good people to behave in a nasty fashion. Often behaviour may become impulsive and/or self-destructive but usually character traits that are already there are exaggerated or minimised rather than replaced with opposite ones. However, that's not the case for all MH problems. Some manifest as behaviour that is completely out of character. Also, the more serious the condition, the more likelihood there is of extreme behaviour.

If your X was actually hospitalised, there is every possibility he is telling the truth about being unable to function properly, and running away may have seemed like his only choice. His over-riding train of thought would be "I can't cope with this I must get away from it" rather than "What will Confused think? What will family and friends think? What will it cost to cancel?"

If you can accept that, you realise that his behaviour wasn't directed at you or because you didn't matter to him. It was because his psyche couldn't cope with the demands placed on it and went into survival mode shutting out all else - including you - in a bid to protect him.

Understanding that may go some way to relieve your pain from this episode in your life.

However, while forgiveness is a wonderful thing, some things are too painful to risk exposing ourselves to again. I'd say that this is one of those situations. Even if he never lets you down again and has made a full recovery, there will always be that seed of doubt in your mind (even with full forgiveness) and that will sabotage your relationship in the end.

I think it's best for both of you to try again with new partners free from this history and I wish you both the very best.

Thanks Dreaming

I am coping ten thousand times better than I used to.

I haven't cleaned my teeth yet though because DH keeps bringing me tea upstairs and I can't get off MN!

OP I forgot to say - I am sorry this happened to you.

Strangely enough I got married in the Caribbean, just me and DH as the thought of people attending a wedding for me freaked me out. I nearly called it off in the morning. Why? Because in my head I didn't deserve anything nice, I didn't deserve to be special, I didn't deserve to look pretty....the list was endless.

Perhaps he should write to family and friends? Not just for you, but also for himself. This doesn't have to be connected to getting back together.

Enjoy your travels, and just think of what it is you want for the future, and what you are prepared to give. It'll be a fantastic experience and you can keep your communication with him in your own control.

I think you should go on your date and move on with your life and "be a part of his recovery" as a friend.

He is not in a position to offer you what you want right now and you are not sufficiently healed from the way he hurt you to offer what he is asking of you.

Whether what he did can be entirely explained by his breakdown is academic - it happened, you have had to deal with that reality and it doesn't become any less real just because he regrets it now.

Maybe one day you two might get back together, but that is WAY too much pressure for someone so ill and someone so hurt to put themselves under.

Someone should have told him this when he ran away. Because people in a crisis don't behave rationally. They regret it afterwards because they really would not behaved like that if they were well.

Someone should have told him this when he ran away. Because people in a crisis don't behave rationally. They regret it afterwards because they really would not behaved like that if they were well

This is the thought reverberating round and round my head. Why his parents didn't stop him. Why his best friend (who was also bloody close to me!) didn't stop him.

Their answers are all the same.

He came to them and told them he could not go through with the wedding because he didn't love me in the same way he thought he had before. He did not know he was having a breakdown, so they didn't know either. They took the crying and physical stress symptoms to be a sign of his pain at jilting me. They all only realised there was a problem after months when he got worse rather than better.

I am still very angry about this. I asked them all at the time "has he mentioned in any way being unhappy?" and they all admitted he hadn't. It strikes me as totally bizarre that no one got him to take stock and think it through more slowly because in the end jilting me made him FAR more ill and slowed his recovery.

Then again, maybe they just didn't see. He always been such a calm and stable person who makes slow and careful decisions.

He has now phoned them all and told them he made a mistake and still loves me and that he was ill, so that's a small step, but I still feel hurt that no one seemed to stick up for me.

At the time he left, when mutual friends called him to ask him WTF was going on, they all said he sounded like a different person and just said "I cannot continue" and other such clinical phrases which made no sense

Why didn't anyone tell him?

Because sometimes only MH specialists can see what's happening. If he hasn't been to the GP after he left you, I can understand why no one realised he had a mental breakdown.

And if his family never talks about emotions, they have probably told him to snap out of it.

I understand your hurt. But if he is really the love of your life, then let him be a part of your life again and see how it goes. It may feel like you're "on hold" with your "moving on". But this is the only chance you get at finding out if you could be together, if he can change thanks to therapy. If you move on and leave him behind, this door is closed

thank you Cinammon. I am sure he is the love of my life if there is such a thing. Therefore worth opening some sort of door and seeing what happens, as the other poster said, I don't need to marry him but just take a little chance.

Just another positive story -- I used to suffer from chronic depression, to the point where about 12 years ago I had a breakdown and tried to kill myself. I finally got therapy, it changed my life and I haven't had a major depressive episode since. I've gone on to get married, have DC, a new career, etc. and am really happy.

Thank you for sharing that. It's encouraging to know people come out on the other side and I'm so glad you are better.

He has now phoned them all and told them he made a mistake and still loves me and that he was ill

But he's STILL ill, so these (bizarre) phonecalls are no more likely to be true than the original ones dumping you.

You can't trust that just because he now feels that jilting you was a mistake that it really WAS a mistake for him.

The feelings he's having now might be part of his healing process, but he might work through them and in 6 months time feel glad that he ended his relationship with you.

You can FORGIVE him for what he did, but really don't think you can (or should) take him up on his offer of "starting again". For both your sakes.

Thank you.

I actually know a lot of people who have hit rock bottom and gone on to have happy lives. You probably do too, you just don't know about it because people don't talk about it.

Wallybanters...

I'm so sorry you are feeling crap. I have spent the last weeks reading up on this type of illness and not having experienced it it sounds fricking awful. Much worse than a physical illness maybe?

Yes, My XDP still has his job. He has gone back on half hours. His job pressures were largely to blame, so his boss has been understanding. He is concentrating on rebuilding his life and is getting CBT to learnt to talk about his problems and deal with stress better.

To be honest, I am not so worried about a repeat episode. After all...we both know the signs now and we both know what to do. The reason this was unbearable was because we had no clue what was happening.

Your story of describing how it feels to not be able to face the day and to have no energy for others is so helpful to read Wally and I hope you feel better soon.

To hear you feel ashamed of this gives me such an insight in a person way that I could never read on the NHS website. Thank you for sharing such person feelings with me. It helps me to understand what he has gone through.

Love to you

I agree with those who say that sometimes mental illness cannot be cured. My friend was with a guy who had had mental breakdowns in the past and he continued to have them. Ultimately she could not 'love' him out of it and she left him. It was the best thing she ever did. I would be really wary in this situation if I were you.

"I am sure he is the love of my life"

That's a decision you make when you are 80 and looking back at your life, not when you are in your 30s and haven't ever been married.

How long do you want to wait?

He's 37.

Are you?

Because you only get one life and you don't owe this man waiting around to see if when he's better enough to get married he wants to marry you.

If OP feels she can give this man another chance then that is up to her but be warned that even people with genuine MI can use it to their advantage.
A family member was genuinely mentally I'll but soon discovered that it gave him a license to behave however he wanted as " he was ill". He was largely enabled by the rest of us - behaviour included screaming he never wanted to see me again when I refused to give him money and sneak fags into hospital for him ( physical illness that time). Apparently I was the unreasonable one for ever mentioning it because he was ill. He also used his illness by saying he couldn't remember saying or going outrageous things so clearly it was ok for him to say or do exactly what he wanted.
Having dropped everything and fled before when he was stressed the OP' s ex probably now sees it as a viable option .

I agree with what everyone says that he can't make a decision on how he feels right now.

However, he loved me and wanted to marry me before, and he says he loves and wants to marry me now...the only time he didn't love me and want to marry me was when he was having a breakdown, so I am hoping that means there is a good chance what he is saying now is more likely to be reflective of the truth.

He did say he still feels emotional numbness, but that he is coming out of the fog. I think they have him on medication with some side effects he finds a struggle. He assures me he is working on it.

I think keeping an open mind for now might be best. As some have said it opens me up to be hurt again....but I will move very slowly with it and give him time to recover and also give ME time to recover because I still feel traumatised to be honest.

Even just going from having him in my life every day to never seeing or speaking to him was akin to a death of sorts. Right now, he can't take my pain on board, so I still have to manage that alone.

The first month I didn't eat or sleep or do anything at all except stare into space most of the time. Some days I forced myself out but it was like being in someone else's body. I didn't even accept it was happening.

The second month all I did was cry, and admittedly, I got to the point of being suicidal and I felt nothing for anyone.

The third month I was get able to start work again, and tried to get on with the practicalities. Now I am up and down. Some days raging with anger (last night I had to get up at 1am to write him a huge long letter -not to actually send - about how much I hated him for what he did to me). I feel all the emotions in the space of a week.

I agree getting away is good for me. If he comes back to me, I want him to be healthy and I want me to be sure I can believe in him.

I just think this thread helped me decide not to close the door. I was going to email him this morning to ask for NC and to explain I could just not risk such hurt again but this thread helped me believe there is a chance this was all just a breakdown and it doesn't necessarily mean he did not love me enough to want to marry me. If there's even a chance he feels what I do...then it is worth it.

Confused - no problem at all. I know exactly how you feel, and it's not nosy in the slightest. Simply feeling that you're not the only person in the world this has happened to is a massive comfort! What made it infinitely worse for me was being surrounded by the wedding industry, with all the immense hype around 'the perfect romance' and the 'perfect day'. I felt sick every time I saw a wedding dress in a shop for months... and I often had moments of utter ridiculousness, where it seemed like every other girl had had this perfect 'day' except me and I would have a bit of a wail about it to my friends, who put up with it very patiently!! (Of course, I knew rationally this wasn't true. But there were days when remaining rational was hard).

The crisis happened in March 2012. He went to the GP immediately and started on meds straight away. He also started counselling the same month, and we were lucky in that he found someone he really trusted straight away, and she helped him immensely. He was ready to talk, and it all just poured out of him. By late May he was starting to feel more stable and calm, which also equated to deeply apologetic. We talked about it a whole lot! Sometimes I got angry. By the end of the summer he was much better and was able to talk about his family for the first time ever. Bizarrely, as you say, the whole thing brought us much closer, even though I was still hurting a lot at that point. In December he proposed again, and we got married March 2013. The wedding was very small, very simple, and very straightforward - absolutely the opposite of what his parents wanted, but easy for us both to handle. We didn't even tell his parents until a week beforehand.

However, I think the timetable for these things is pretty arbitrary, and I don't think you should feel like there is a template, or deadlines. (This is very hard if, like me, you are a bit of a planner, but it's unhelpful to put time limits on things!) The main thing is that if you do want to move forward, you both have to feel like you can overcome what has happened, deal with the pain, and effect changes that will ensure it doesn't occur again. One of the hard things is that as he gets better, you may well feel more hurt (I had times when I asked 'Why did I have to pay for YOUR crisis?!') - so you need however long it takes to support each other.

These situations are complicated and are not black and white. A lot of the self-help dating manual style advice might be OK for teenagers but it doesn't begin to cover the complexity of real life situations. Good luck!

Oh, and feel free to DM me if you want to talk more!!

Hopefully neither of you are entertaining the thought of getting back together out of guilt for the other, and a feeling of doing what you are supposed to do as opposed to what is right for you....