Jilted at the alter...is there ever an "excuse"?

[ConfusedLady8]

I posted in MI too for a more medical perspective on this, but please ladies can I have an emotional viewpoint on this also. I am so confused.

My DP of 3.5 years and I were in a very happy, loving relationship where I really did feel like I had found my other half. We just got on really well and and enjoyed being together and there was still sparks flying all over the place. He proposed, and our wedding was due to go ahead in October.

In September, he sent me a text to say he was sorry but couldn't go through with the wedding. He moved out of our house and would not see or talk to me to even discuss it. I was completely devastated and still am. I cry all the time and can't seem to let go.

Before this happened, he had previously been kind, thoughtful, unselfish, loving, supportive and dedicated all the time really. I wouldn't have had a bad word to say about him. I had no idea why this happened at the time but I suppose I had presumed there was an OW and I had just been blind to it.

It transpires now, 5 months later, that he has a stress induced nervous breakdown. He was very stressed out in the months before the wedding because my business had failed leaving us with debts and he was worried about the wedding costs. He took on a second job to help with costs and he was tired and frazzled. He's under treatment for a major depressive episode right now.

After treating me like complete crap for 5 months, he has now contacted me and said he is coming out of his depression and realises he made a massive mistake. He said his actions weren't "him".

Does anyone think that being MI is an "excuse" for saying nasty things, behaving very coldly, emotionally withdrawing, behaving very selfishly and causing a lot of pain to others without seeming to even care? He wants me to give him another chance.

I am so confused.

Half of me loves him still as much as before, I miss him, I can't imagine being with anyone else and I do believe he has had a breakdown as I know from friends that he has been signed off work and has not really left the house for months. I want to try and remember him as the man I thought he was and I really want that man back in my life.

On the other hand, months have passed, I have started to move on and gained some acceptance and I am terrified of being hurt any more than he has already hurt me. I feel like (MI or not) he did something really unforgivable to me and caused me so much hurt that I feel like I am no longer confident of his feeling towards me and also feel like I don't know him.

Please tell me if how much of a role an illness like this can play in relationships, and if you feel taking him back would be a bad idea. I am very, very confused.

He has said he will fix the humiliation by writing a public letter to all our friends and family to say he had a nervous breakdown and stuff but I still feel embarrassed when I see people. A lot of people don't even know the wedding never happened and they keep congratulating me.

Please help and try and give a balanced view. I am a serial lurker on here and know there is a lot of LTB advocates here, but please consider that we had an otherwise great relationship and I really wanted to marry this man. if there's any way to excuse his behaviour I'd like to do that but don't want to marry a man who doesn't love me as much as I love him.

The reason I am worried about this is because he said and acted also like he didn't love me anymore during this situation!

I wouldn't take him back, OP. Whatever his illness. You're not together now and that was his choice. You might have needed him desperately - it sounds as if you were terribly upset - and where was he? No thought for you at all.

I don't know how quickly mental illness affects somebody or how easy it is to treat but you have medical professionals telling you what can be done, none of it is sure, is it? I can see that his family would want you to take him back, it neatly soothes their own worries about him. What about you though?

For me, I know the relationship would never be the same, he left you, no communication and that must have hurt so much. You don't know how he would handle future stresses but you do know that when the going got tough, he got going. That wouldn't be good enough for me and I'd accept the fait accompli as was delivered to me back in October with no discussion.

Your decision of course, OP, I hope your Thursday date goes well.

You sound caring and nice.
Agreeing to try again could be great for both of you or it could put you both under a lot of pressure.

He is having treatment and is still not well. No one can say how long it will take for him to get to the stage where a romantic relationship is on the cards. No one, not even the two of you, can say whether a romantic relationship between you would work.

All I can say is, do not put your life and recovery on hold for him. Be his friend by all means, but with no promises for the future. Carry on dating.

He's your love and your soul mate and you didn't notice that he was under so much stress he was having a breakdown?

If he couldn't talk to you about it and you didn't even notice that the man you love was mentally ill, I don't think you're really cut out for each other.

I don't think I could face doing that to him again.

You seem intent on giving me a kicking Quint because I gave an opinion which is contrary to yours. Is it really necessary to be so personal with the 'laugh in your face comment?'
Similarly, my DP has a major physical disability. He has been is hospital for weeks now. It is massively life-limiting. My dc are in fucking tears when they visit him. I have to fight mine back to protect them. No two illnesses are entirely like for like but all serious illnesses and conditions are life-limiting, indsicrimiate and fucking cruel. So yes, there is no fucking difference. Tell you aunt to walk a mile in my DP's shoes to try to understand our pain. Perhaps because of her illness she is more compassoinate towards others than you are. So take your 'she'd laugh in your face' comment and stick it

I think he did the correct thing to cancel the wedding. An illness of that severity is huge and obviously a valid reason. It's up to you what you decide to do. I don't think you should though, you seem more worried about how people perceive you than his health. If I were you I'd learn more about the illness and decide with eyes open.

Thanks WallyBanters. That was phrased in a great way to help me understand the possibility that his actions might be completely due to his mental state rather than reflective of his actual thoughts and feelings.

He used those exact words, and said he felt like he was coming out of the fog.

No, he doesn't want to get married now, but he says his hope for the future. All he wants now is to chat on the phone, and meet up occasionally and see how we go. He wants me to be part of his recovery.

The truth is I forgave him the minute I knew he was MI...but forgiving him is a different thing to trusting in his feelings for me again. I have no idea how to do that.

I completely believed he would never leave me before and want to feel that way again. I thought I was his world, I really did.

No, I can't have any contact with him and still continue to "move on". I'm still too in love. I can't help it!

He's your love and your soul mate and you didn't notice that he was under so much stress he was having a breakdown?

He didn't know himself until three months later!

I would take it as a lucky escape.

There are thousands of people who suffer from serious mental health issues and have 'breakdowns'. They don't all act like this. His actions, however much they might be a result of his illness, were to abandon you and shut you out completely with no explanation for 5 months. What will happen the next time you have financial difficulties or family problems?

It's one thing to have a partner who needs to lean on you. It's another thing completely to have one who abandons you and shuts you out for months at a time.

I think the poster who made the comment about pnd hit the nail on the head. That is the extent to which mental health can literally make people take leave of their senses

ilovemydog... What about what HE did to the OP? I wouldn't be able to put up with having that done to ME again. Why are you all but blaming the OP? What about his family, since you think it's the job of everybody around him to notice that he has a problem. I don't know much about mental health or how quickly it descends, OP didn't elaborate on it either so I think your post is really quite judgemental of her.

Freyalright...having someone jilt you like that is a massive humiliation. Really, I can't explain how awful it was to have to be the one to tell everyone what had happened. He just ran off.

I might be wrong to place a lot of emphasis on that, but it was a really painful thing to go through. I hate the way people look at me with pity. I might be selfish for that, but in terms of his illness he didn't share that with me.

I even texted him at the time to ask him if he was having some sort of breakdown or if he was depressed (as Mum suggested that to me) and he replied coldly that he was fine but our relationship was over, that it wouldn't be fair to me to continue it.

Not knowing why someone has done something like this to you, when the week before you were as close as two people can be is a really shit thing to go through.

Whether I forgive him or not, or whether we get back together or not, I have my own pain and grief to deal with for a life and dream that was lost and yes, I am worried that our friends and family will look at me and wonder how I could take someone back after that.

I feel like I lost all face, but would be willing to swallow that pride if I genuinely believe he loves me as much as I love him.

OP, I think this is a tough one, but it might help you to hear my story, as I've been in your shoes.

A couple of months before we were due to get married, my fiance had a breakdown. He told me that he couldn't go through with the wedding. When I asked why, he said that I wasn't 'good enough' socially to marry into his family. Sounds pretty awful huh? I can hear the chorus of 'LEAVE THE BASTARD' warming up... and on the outside, they would be right!

I was absolutely devastated. But I could see that he was genuinely in trouble. He was shaking, white as a sheet, being sick, and thinking of killing himself because he couldn't figure out what to do. He is not a dramatic person at all - quite the reverse, he is very self-contained normally. He has always had acute anxiety, the result of a domineering and violent father. I told him that I was going to stick by him until he got better, and that he could then make a decision about what he wanted to do in the longer term. I took him to the GP, where he was put on anti-anxiety meds, and he started seeing a counsellor.

It emerged during counselling that what he was really worried about was the fact that his parents disapproved of me as an unsuitable wife. Now don't get me wrong - this isn't an excuse for his behaviour, which was priggish and snobby. But this was the first time ever in his whole life that he was going against something his parents had asked. His family are pretty dysfunctional, and he was terrified that the consequences of doing what he wanted would be excommunication. In a lot of ways, he was going through something that most people go through as a teenager - but in his late 30s.

Being patient and putting him first was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. My ego was wounded, I was emotionally devastated, and I had no idea which way he would choose - it was like everything in my life was provisional and all I could do was wait patiently and try to put my own needs second. And then there's always a part of you that's smarting from the public humiliation of it all, too - not helped by the fact that one of my 'friends' told everyone I know what had happened! I had no emotional support from my family: in fact, I had to put up with my Mum being delighted because she hates travelling and didn't want to journey the 300 miles to our chosen venue! I do not know how I got through it, to be honest.

In a few weeks, he felt a bit better. He apologised profusely, he said he'd made a huge mistake. I told him to wait a while longer before he decided. He got more and more happy, and more and more stable. I saw a counsellor on my own and worked through some of the difficult feelings I had about it. Eventually, about a year later I trusted it, and when he asked me to marry him for a second time, I said yes. We tied the knot March this year, and we are very happy. Despite his behaviour on this one occasion, he is extremely supportive of me, and very caring and loving.

You know, to be fair on me, I didn't ask him to take a second job. When things went tits up financially I asked him to elope and even got lots of brochures on it. He was having none of it. He said he wanted me to have my wedding day, and he wanted our friends and family there to witness our love for each other and he insisted on picking up the financial slack. He told me he was fine, and that it was "his job" to do this. He wasn't honest with me or himself about what was happening and I thought at the time we had a totally open relationship where he could tell me anything. He says, with hindsight, he himself didn't know that he wasn't OK which is the key reason he wasn't able to talk to me. He said for some time before he snapped he felt very agitated and tired and he describes some anxious thoughts and stuff like that. He said the decision to actually leave happened on the day he did it and he just describes feeling like he'd snapped.

I do feel very guilty for not seeing it and not helping more, and have apologised to him for that. He told me not to be silly because he admits he did everything possible to hide it from me. I asked him why and he said "because I loved you".

OP, that's the way weddings and marriages are viewed in society. Too much emphasis on them. I can understand you feeling that pressure, but in reality it's nothing special. I think the illness is easier to talk about than a failed marriage in a years time.
Again, you talk about worrying about what your family think, life is too short to make decisions based on what others will think.
Just take your time, make the decision you are happy with. Half the married people judging you, will be divorced in 15 years, anyway.

Struggling100...THANK YOU.

This describes him exactly. It's the first time in his life he's had financial worries or job problems. In his family this is a big failure.

He acted very similarly..saying mean stuff, but it was all so out of character.

I am told by friends his symptoms were identical. White as a sheet, being sick, anxiety. I've heard he had IBS so badly they have him in for all sorts of tests.

Thank you, this is a really uplifting story and the way you describe your life feeling provisional is exactly how I feel. It's a battle of faith...just believing in someone with your gut with no guarantee that they will even still love you at the end of their recovery, or that they will be the same person.

So glad this worked out for you. I really hope it works out for me too.

After reading this thread I am leaning towards giving him another chance, but taking it slowly so I can rebuild trust and faith that he loves me as much as I love him.

I am off away travelling next month for three months (I planned it before he contacted me) and maybe this time will be what we both need...although I feel bad for leaving him he says in a way this is something he needs to do by himself so he can come out stronger.

Confused you don't have to justify yourself or your actions! You have not done anything wrong! Regardless of what his MH is, it in no way invalidates your experience being on the receiving end of that MI. It does not make what you felt & went through less important than him.

Great post, Wally.

It's true, when things are really bad, it's like the whole world shrinks. The mental pain blocks out any feelings of empathy, of caring about anyone else, and you just want to get rid of or run away from anything that makes you think about things. You just want to crawl in a hole and shut out the whole world. It's not rational, and it's awful for your loved ones, but it's not the real you, it's your brain in panic mode.

'Stiff upper lip' types are very susceptible to this because they will not deal with things as they go along, they keep insisting everything is ok until their brain physically revolts. So that explains a lot actually.

Freyalright....thank you...that was great advice.

I know people are so quick to judge when their life is not so perfect behind closed doors.

If I can get through this, then I do feel like we would maybe be stronger and we would have overcome adversity together and not lost faith which is deep down what I think marriage might be built on.

It's bizzare to say, but over this period, I have felt in a way closer to him that before.

ConfusedLady - I didn't see it either. My partner was never open with me before he had the breakdown. I honestly thought everything was fine. People said the same thing to me ('Why couldn't you see it coming?') and it was hugely unhelpful and cruel.

The fact is, people who are strongly driven by familial duty (and it sounds like your partner might be like that because he clearly had a very fixed idea of how the wedding OUGHT to be) can be amazingly good at hiding their 'true' feelings and putting on a show, even with the people who are closest to them. In my DH's family, you aren't allowed to go against the Done Thing, and you're not allowed any emotional individuality either. That's how he grew up, and a huge part of his crisis was realising he could let it go and be open.

OK. Well, yes, depression can completely alter a person's personality.

But it doesn't follow that even if he's had a genuine breakdown that you have to take him back. Having a relationship with a person who has severe depression or other forms of MI is really, really difficult (I say this as someone whose relationship went down the pan for this precise reason).

I think the problem is that you are picturing him as "fixed" and the same as he was when things are good. But he is not the same person anymore. There is now a HUGE material difference in him: he now has a history of major depression with all that entails. There is a pretty high risk of relapse. Could you live with the risk of him putting you through that over again? Possibly with children in the mix too? I would also suggest that if he has never really learned to deal with stress or talk about it that he is at much higher risk of relapse too.

It is OK to say "look, this has been such a terrible experience for me that even though I love you, I just can't get past what you put me through." You don't have to "save" him just because he is ill. YOUR feelings and experiences matter too. You can forgive him if you want to, but that doesn't mean you owe him another relationship.

If you do decide to get back with him, I'd advise the following: I'd want to know the minute details of what he is doing to prevent this from happening again (details of his treatment and therapist), and to treat it as a wholly new relationship, starting from scratch. Because it will be a totally different relationship. He can't do that to you and expect to pick up where he left off.

That's without getting into whether he may just be spinning you a line.

It's a problem, isn't it, that weddings have to be such a big expensive event subject to scrutiny from folk you don't normally meet on a day to day basis. It adds pressure.

Thank you reamingbohemian.

I am so glad I posted here. It's one thing to hear from a therapist but to hear real life people that can have an understanding of this situation gives me much more confidence. I admit I have been lurking for ages and have seen so many posts (some with similarities) and there's been a lot of "LTB" and I was sure you'd all say that.

I really feel a lot more positive and less confused.

ConfusedLady - OMG, my DH had terrible IBS as well!!! Are you sure this fella of yours isn't his long lost brother? I can totally relate to what you say about feeling closer to him now.

I think you should go on your trip, definitely, but keep in touch with him regularly and see if you can rebuild contact via email, text etc before you make a decision about whether you want to try again.

Sorry, posted too soon - I also think you should agree that he sees a counsellor! This should help him get to the bottom of the anxieties that provoked the situation, and will hopefully mean that if he ever does feel low again, he can get help more quickly.

I agree. Whatever happened none of it was your fault and your feelings are really important.
I am lucky in that I don't suffer from MH issues but because my DP's situation is so extreme and unusual (can't be more specific for fearing out being recognised) I was sent by our GP to see a counsellor. I was skeptical but it helped so much. He described my life as a crazy dance. I don't know why but that resonated and really helped. As I've said to you earlier, maybe seek some expert insight.
Best of luck.