Jilted at the alter...is there ever an "excuse"?

[ConfusedLady8]

I posted in MI too for a more medical perspective on this, but please ladies can I have an emotional viewpoint on this also. I am so confused.

My DP of 3.5 years and I were in a very happy, loving relationship where I really did feel like I had found my other half. We just got on really well and and enjoyed being together and there was still sparks flying all over the place. He proposed, and our wedding was due to go ahead in October.

In September, he sent me a text to say he was sorry but couldn't go through with the wedding. He moved out of our house and would not see or talk to me to even discuss it. I was completely devastated and still am. I cry all the time and can't seem to let go.

Before this happened, he had previously been kind, thoughtful, unselfish, loving, supportive and dedicated all the time really. I wouldn't have had a bad word to say about him. I had no idea why this happened at the time but I suppose I had presumed there was an OW and I had just been blind to it.

It transpires now, 5 months later, that he has a stress induced nervous breakdown. He was very stressed out in the months before the wedding because my business had failed leaving us with debts and he was worried about the wedding costs. He took on a second job to help with costs and he was tired and frazzled. He's under treatment for a major depressive episode right now.

After treating me like complete crap for 5 months, he has now contacted me and said he is coming out of his depression and realises he made a massive mistake. He said his actions weren't "him".

Does anyone think that being MI is an "excuse" for saying nasty things, behaving very coldly, emotionally withdrawing, behaving very selfishly and causing a lot of pain to others without seeming to even care? He wants me to give him another chance.

I am so confused.

Half of me loves him still as much as before, I miss him, I can't imagine being with anyone else and I do believe he has had a breakdown as I know from friends that he has been signed off work and has not really left the house for months. I want to try and remember him as the man I thought he was and I really want that man back in my life.

On the other hand, months have passed, I have started to move on and gained some acceptance and I am terrified of being hurt any more than he has already hurt me. I feel like (MI or not) he did something really unforgivable to me and caused me so much hurt that I feel like I am no longer confident of his feeling towards me and also feel like I don't know him.

Please tell me if how much of a role an illness like this can play in relationships, and if you feel taking him back would be a bad idea. I am very, very confused.

He has said he will fix the humiliation by writing a public letter to all our friends and family to say he had a nervous breakdown and stuff but I still feel embarrassed when I see people. A lot of people don't even know the wedding never happened and they keep congratulating me.

Please help and try and give a balanced view. I am a serial lurker on here and know there is a lot of LTB advocates here, but please consider that we had an otherwise great relationship and I really wanted to marry this man. if there's any way to excuse his behaviour I'd like to do that but don't want to marry a man who doesn't love me as much as I love him.

The reason I am worried about this is because he said and acted also like he didn't love me anymore during this situation!

I strongly advise you to move on. This man seems to want to use you as a combination of unpaid therapist and cuddly toy. He needs to concentrate on getting well and you need to concentrate on you for a while.
You may get a certain amount of pressure and bullshit from other people to the extent that you 'should' be willing to sacrifice your whole life to the job of 'loving him better' but actually that's the last thing you should do. you matter just as much as he does.

Let him sort himself out with professional help; give it at least a year, and if he'son the mend and you're still single you could maybe try dating again, but if not, don't worry about it and enjoy the rest of your life.

Thanks HelloBoys I have been in therapy pretty much since the week this happened. She is very helpful in a way but then talking to real people about real life is sometimes more helpful.

As a point of interest she agrees with you all that I should give us both time to heal. She has maintained since week one that he had a breakdown, so she turned out to be spot on.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople I am sorry this happened to you too :( It is the most incredibly painful experience, I know.

Thanks for your words. they reflect a lot of my feelings too

I know someone who was jilted in a similar way, and they got back together after very similar discussions. It was a disaster - just prolonged the agony and they later split in a more 'normal' way. I think its impossible to trust someone who did this to you. and as its the start of what is meant to be a wonderful journey together, its hard to just accept it.

Oh no, if there is a chance of falling into bed then don't see him. That would seriously mess with your head.

He is only a month into therapy, that's nothing. I would take baby steps regarding contact. Email, phone, text. Nothing rushed.

Your therapist is right, you both need time to heal, and then start from the beginning. If you are still in love with him. Don't promise anything now. If he loves you he will understand. He doesn't need any promises from you to sort himself out.

Yep, that's my worry oranges. I suppose it's the risk you take. In a way I think maybe I'd rather go through that than live a whole life regretting not finding out?

Nothing about our relationship was over. The only problem we actually have is that this happened.

Maybe time will tell me if it's something I can "get over". I am up and down on it but info from you all on it helps me. Especially those with experience of MI

What SolidGoldBrass said.

I had a friend who went through this and I got incredibly upset at the people who told her not to have him back . HE WAS ILL FFS ! I know he hurt you dreadfully but only you , and you only know what's best

do not cut off your nose to spite your face

my friend and her husband are extremely happy and very much together now

nobody chooses this illness and please don't think it is a reflection on you

you don't have to make any life changing choices , take it at your own pace

I'd reiterate what FedUp says too re being better and much stronger.

and I hear you OP when you say you want to speak to real people rather than the therapist. totally understandable.

In fact I got a bit too reliant on the therapist kept on extending our time together oh-err missus! and then when I'd finished realised it was best because I needed to sort out my head too (and I was going for another reason anyway).

The thing I'd also say, yes, I know he is ill, yes I know you and him didn't know how ill but he did say he didn't love you?

I would seriously wonder based on what you said to oranges do you REALLY REALLY want to go back see if it works then suffer the agony of it hurting again when it breaks down.

I'd say that him jilting you DID indicate in some way, whatever way that the relationship was over. But he didn't say it or maybe the MI is a cover (not a conscious cover on his part) for it.

my ex-BF - he was seeing and living with a woman before me (his ex-GF) - he moved in with her but developed a hot allergy (allergic to heat?) which resulted in his skin being hyper sensitive, he now only wears/uses certain pure brands etc. free from parabens etc. all this STOPPED and got much better when he finished that relationship. I mentioned this once to him the connection between his emotions coming to the surface in the form of the allergy etc as him not being happy/not ready to live with this woman and he dismissed it out of hand. But I could SEE it was making him ill. he wasn't like this before that.

do you see? your ex-DF may have not realised you weren't right for him but didn't know how to vocalise it but it came out in this horrible cruel way.

Hi there - I'm so sorry this awful thing has happened to you.

I have a mental illness - bipolar type 2 - and have been treated for major depression in the past.

I honestly don't know if your ex's behaviour can be excused by his illness, but it could be explained.

My dad had a major depressive episode many years ago and he ended up splitting with my mother. It was an awful time and it was all a terrible shock. In the end, he got better and they got back together. In his case, I think his behaviour could be explained and (to a certain extent) excused by his MI. He was never nasty to her, he just had a breakdown and felt he had to get away.

It sounds as if your ex has been genuinely ill and big decisions (and, in fact, small decisions) can seem impossible.

The question is, do you still want to be with him? If he is receiving treatment for his MI, is he going to continue with it until he is completely better? What about if he gets ill again? Will he dump you and disappear?

I would take it really slowly. MI can be very serious indeed and it can be hard to form relationships whilst suffering.

I think the biggest problem here is that he may not get better, or at least, he may continue to have the problems that drove him to have a breakdown. That could be ok, perhaps you could live with that, but you seem to think he will be healed, fixed, better and you can carry on as before. This seems to me a bit unlikely, he will always be more vulnerable to these type of episodes and may indeed go on to have future ones. Most of the people I know who have had breakdowns/MI have had either repeated occurences or have had to adapt their life a lot to cope, not all, there are those who have just had a life crisis once or twice, but in general.

SGB has put it more colourfully than me, but I think you need distance and to let him recover, and then see where you are. This time is not now, and my suspicion is that even if you go back into the relationship, you won't feel the same because of the anger/hurt which is difficult to express when the person is really ill.

I'd also be cautious about him emailing friends and family to say he made a mistake-keep them out of it. It is not a romantic fantasy where you fall into each others arms. The reality is much more gritty and may not have a happy ending.

There is absolutely no need to rush this.

do you see? your ex-DF may have not realised you weren't right for him but didn't know how to vocalise it but it came out in this horrible cruel way.

I really hope that isn't the reality here, but I suppose time will tell.

I genuinely believe it isn't the case...hence my shellshock. Having been in the relationship for 3.5 years, until the last two months when things in our lives were tits up he pretty much showed that he was in love all the time.

Smiles, looks, little actions. He's not a good faker and he'd have no reason to. He did a lot of stuff words and actions to show he felt the same as me.

I just believe that...but have to let time tell me if I was wrong. I don't feel completely sure of anything nowadays

Pawprint, to answer your question...yes.

I still want to be with him. Would still want to spend a lifetime with him. Definitely and that's never wavered.

But only if!

You say he says he is still ill and doesn't want a relationship with you right now but...

Which means you will be there for him as a friend, maybe with potential sex but...

Not as a couple.

It sounds like he gets to go to his therapy, have you there as a shoulder to cry on without any commitment to you.

What happens in six months when he is more stable from the therapy and decides actually he doesn't want to be with you?

You will start your hurt all over again.

I suggest you say no to this.

Tell him to carry on with getting himself fixed and see where he is in six months while you move on with your life repairing it. If you are still there in six months then maybe you could try again but you are not going to hang around waiting.

Confused got to go home now but wanted to say, I am thinking of you and it is truly awful for both him and you.

I was living a nightmare with my ex when he was Scarlet Pimpernel mode then to drop this on me Xmas 2013. I KNOW I should and would have stayed with him etc but it all got too much for me.

Now I'm in a much better place. and I have a thyroid problem which is being treated etc.

I wish you well and will keep in touch here. it does get better I promise.

magoria when you put it like that it doesn't sound like to inviting an opportunity...

HelloBoys....thanks and have a great night

This is obviously a very sad situation. I think as many people have already said that you should both heal in your own ways in your own timeframes. I think it's inappropriate and puts too much pressure on both of you to try and imagine yourselves in the future. No one can know (including him) what this episode will mean for his future MH. Just take small steps and let your life unfold naturally. I think it sounds like it would be best to be apart and give each other plenty of space, especially because of all the emotional pain this situation triggers.

It seems very, very early days in the unfolding of this situation if he had a mental break only last Fall.

Bloody hell , I can't believe people telling you to forget him . If you think he is the love of your life give it a go . He was there for you once . If it doesn't work out there will be no regrets , no , if only's . Just take it slowly .

I was ill a couple of years ago and was almost at breaking point and I did consider walking away from everyone as I just couldn't cope with life. I do therefore believe he could have reached that point and it would explain the resulting break up.

Thankfully with medication and my dh's support I came out the other side and I'm fine now. I still have bouts of anxiety but I can manage it without meds.

You have to do what's right for your well being. If you do give him a second chance you need to take it very slowly for your own sake. He needs to ensure he gets the proper care he needs from his gp and he also has to make sure he recognises any future relapse and get help quickly to prevent it escalating.

I think although all your advice is different but similar in a way as it all advises me to:

1. Let him heal without getting too involved in that
2. Let me heal and take time and space
3. Avoid permanent decisions right now until 1 & 2 have been done
4. Go in to whatever choice I make with my eyes open

In terms of the rest you all either seem to think it's worth a shot because he wasn't acting of sound mind or that the pain he caused is something that would just be too hard to get over and would ultimately poison the relationship in the long run.

I know that's a choice only I can make, but hearing these opinions is really valuable in making an informed and educated choice when the time comes.

For now, I have definitely decided to listen to steps 1 - 4 if I can manage it because I know this is the right advice for both of us. I also cannot make my choice until he himself is fully well and knows for certain what his own feelings are. As another posted said, after 6 months of treatment he might not want to be with me.

I think I will probably lean towards another chance, because as Pheonix says I just could not live with the regret and he just means to much to me to chuck our lives away like that without being absolutely sure I gave it everything I had. But I also think I need to be really, really stable in myself, settled and not still sad / angry and grieving and insecure to be able to cope with it. Right now I am honestly nowhere near and even 5 minutes with him would send me back to square one.

I am still at the stage of wanting to retreat into pretending it never even happened. It is very difficult to move on when you don;t want to. Every bone in your body wants to go to that person, get into bed and have a restful sleep feeling "home" for the first time in months.

I'll use all this advice to try and take steps to give us the best chance of getting through this. I think if I skip steps 1 - 4 it may well be the death knell for us. Neither one of us has the emotional capability of the enormous task ahead of fixing this right now.

It is just very sad because I miss him every day. It's like a light went out.

So glad I posted. Been wanting to for 10 days since he called and didnt as I thought you'd all slag him off and think I was a dimwit for even listening to him!

People can react in very extreme ways with a severe depressive illness including being extremely hurtful to those they love. However, that degree of illness would usually need to be managed by secondary mental health services, probably intensive community or inpatient services. If your DPs illness is manageable by a GP then I would think depression is not a reasonable explanation for this kind of behaviour.

I would not make the focus of this whether he loves you. If he loves you to the moon and back but isn't a good partner - is that really enough?

Lots of things besides love are needed to make a strong (and enjoyable) marriage - commitment, trust, the ability to lean on each other (not just one doing all the leaning and one being Florence Nightingale), the ability to navigate life's many stresses (a wedding ranking pretty low on the list IMO). Stresses in life multiply when you have children - responsibilities multiply, inherent sources of conflict have more impact. For most people money is always a stress, family is a stress, work is a stress, dealth/illness stress, stress - its pretty important to have a partner who can be a partner in that and not leave you holding the bag when the going gets tough. Whatever the reason, however much it may not be their fault.

I'm not saying he will do this - I don't know him. I am not his therapist. However, it think its good to keep in mind his therapist is HIS - to support HIS recovery and HIS happiness not yours. I would get my own therapist to work out my own position on this issue - who can give a professional and balanced view of this type of illness and who is supporting your best interests.

I think you need to really consider what you want in a marriage, what your own personal limits are in terms of supportiveness and what your own inherent personality is.

In short however, I would say - you are not married to this man. You are not in a relationship with this man at present. I would say that this prospective partner is not in a position to be in a relationship and would move forward looking for someone who is. You only have one life OP and not unlimited time.