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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He took DD to meet OW without telling me.

39 replies

Marymoo73 · 14/01/2014 13:13

OK, I kicked him out when I found out about the second affair. Have let him see DD (3.5)as much as he wants to. Have been so damn reasonable about the shit he has thrown my way since he left. He announced 2 weeks before Xmas that he would be moving in with OW and her son at the end of Jan, approx 100 miles away from DD. We talked and agreed (or so I thought) about access, how DD would be introduced gently, no big shocks etc. Sunday, he arrives back late with DD, who announces "I've been to house". They had spent the day there. Not a word to me. I am bloody furious. He cant see the problem as "You knew it would be happening at some point" He's never been the most upfront of people and lying is pretty much second nature, but something this important I would have at least expected to be consulted about. AIBU here...just need a sanity check please :(

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 14/01/2014 13:24

Did your daughter know he had met someone else? What has she said about the day?

BitOutOfPractice · 14/01/2014 13:24

Well of course, as he is her parent you can't tell him who he can and cannot meet

But, of course, you should be able to expect a loving and considerate parent to try and act in their child's best interests and discuss important matters with you in an honest and upfront manner

Sadly he's an entitled selfish arsehole and he does exactly what he wants when he wants and doesn't care about whatyou think, or his DD's welfare

I'm so sorry. It hurts like hell but there's not a fat lot you can do

Lweji · 14/01/2014 13:41

Sorry, but stop trying to control that area. At all.

If your DD has any specific questions, then tell her you are ringing dad and asking him.

Generic questions, you'd answer as if they had met in a few months. TBH, at 3.5 she probably doesn't completely grasp it all and it doesn't really matter if she met her now or later.

How has your DD react?

flowerpotgirl12 · 14/01/2014 14:00

to be honest it is up to your ex when he introduces his partner and what your dd and him do on his access weekend. out of common decency he should have toldd you ion his return in case dd had any questions etc.

I also think that people need to stop automatically assuming that by having an affair it somehow means that they are less if a caring parent. you have no idea what goes on in peoples relationship and to blanket assume they are somehow less really irritates me. and before I get accused I have never been an ow or had an affair.

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:03

I don't think moving 100miles from his child is a particularly good parenting example!

At 3.5 she is old enough to be confused and upset by being put straight into his new family.

He hasn't handled it well.

How is dd?

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:04

At the very least he should have discussed it with you so she could be prepared for it. Has he told her who the woman is? His new gf.

Original poster

Marymoo73 · 14/01/2014 14:10

She's a bit confused. "Who is (OW)?, why has daddy got a new house, its got Rabbits!" The usual randomness of my daughter. I've tried to be as clear as I can be with a 3.5 year old, but it would have been better to work up to it, prepare her more. I dont want to/couldnt if I wanted to - control that area, I'm just tired of being reasonable about weekends he cant do, pick ups he cant make etc etc, when he doesnt bother to discuss the important stuff despite promising to. Offred, thats exactly it. I dont want her crow-barred into a new situation and expected to get on with it. Its not right.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 14/01/2014 14:11

Flowerpotgirl how does cheating on your family (the DD as well as his wife) and moving 100 miles away demonstrate that he's a caring parent? I'm intrigued

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:13

You have to explain that she is daddy's new gf and he's moved into a new house because you have split up.

It won't do his relationship with her any good IME this kind of behaviour.

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:14

Or you do as another has suggested and say "why don't we ask daddy about it?" Then call him and let him deal with it.

Lweji · 14/01/2014 14:18

As it is so raw you will have to deal with explaining why dad is away and has a new house.
As for the rabbits and other mammals she finds there, she should really ask him.

flowerpotgirl12 · 14/01/2014 14:22

he didn't cheat on his daughter he cheated on his wife, they are in my opinion totally different. as I said you don't know anything about the parents relationship and can't say that because hr cheated it automatically makes him a bad father. you also don't know why he moved 100 miles away, may have been for work in which case benefits his dd. I am not saying cheating is right or he behaved well, what I am saying is it doesn't automatically make him a terrible father. The issues are separate

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:27

He's moving in with his new gf and her son, that's why he's moving 100 miles away, it isn't for work! I imagine it is difficult for dd and his work making a big move like that!

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:28

But I agree he didn't cheat on his daughter. The woman is now his gf not the ow. But he needs to stop trying to play happy families and focus on dd.

Original poster

Marymoo73 · 14/01/2014 14:31

:) Lweji.
I wouldnt say (and havent as far as I am aware) that he is a bad father, flowerpot, he simply puts his needs above everyone else. Our relationship (as far as I was aware) was fine. He started having affairs when DD was 5 mths old. He's further away from work, his DD and DS (from previous marriage). The move is foremost based on his financial issues. The moving in part isnt the issue I have, its that he makes promises about doing the right thing by DD then promptly does what he likes and leaves me to sort out the fallout.

OP posts:

CarryOnDancing · 14/01/2014 14:33

Flowerpot, if one of my parents cheated on the other, I would feel cheated. I would feel hurt and betrayed on behalf of that parent. It would affect me and that's what people are referring to.

He has cheated on his family. He has treated the mother badly and is therefore showing disrespectful behaviour to them both. It is his equal job as a parent to teach the child how to act and behave by example. He's failed to do that.

I do think OP that considering it past this point is the sure road to madness. If you can't talk to him and work together as a unit then you need to protect yourself. You need to be matter of fact with your daughter and explain the situation in a general term, whilst remaining respectful about her Father.

She will make up her own mind about him in due course. Right now the only one thing you can do is remain honest with your DD and as absolutely horrible as it is, normalise the situation to some extent as she's too young to let her mind get caught up in it.
The last thing you want is for her to feel stuck in the middle.

I'm so sorry you are faced with this situation. I really doubt there is any better to deal with it then you are already doing.

flowerpotgirl12 · 14/01/2014 14:41

I am in no wat saying that the cheating is correct and obviously as the partner you would feel devastated. i am saying it doesn't make him an automatic bad father. your dd is very young and he has introduced his new partner so as time goes bye she will only know them as a couple and not remember that you and her dad where together, , therefore it is the most fair thing fot your dd is to accept what has happened, answer any questions or refer them to her dad and not show bitterness in front of your dd.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 14/01/2014 14:42

Poor child. She should have been prepared not thrown in at the deep end. What a twat.

Tonandfeather · 14/01/2014 14:42

As usual, a woman who'd moved 100 miles away from her children (two lots by the looks) had multiple affairs and kept letting her children down by backing out of arrangements, would be treated very differently by other women. Terrible double standards. Yet first wives left with the main care of the children are told they've got to put up with it for some reason. Men left with the children wouldn't be told that, or told off for being angry. Massive sexism at play here.

Are you divorced and have you got a contact agreement? What about the financial agreement too?

The best way to deal with questions from your daughter is not to lie, but also say 'i don't know' if you can't answer something.

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:47

I can see what you are trying to say flowerpot but there is no telling how long they will be together or how many new gf's and new houses dd will have to visit if he jumps straight in.

When parents split up children usually feel a bit insecure about their position in their parents' lives - 'daddy said he loved mummy but now he doesn't, has he stopped loving me too?' Kind of a thing. That the new gf also has a child may be even more difficult for dd because it might make her wonder if he left her and her mum because he likes the gf and her child better than he likes her.

This can be made much worse my a parent who has left getting all gung-ho about making a new life with a new family. The best way to deal with it is to help make the dc secure in their relationship with you and your place in their life/theirs in yours now things have changed before you start introducing new people,

BitOutOfPractice · 14/01/2014 14:48

Flowerpot I'd say that someone who puts their own needs first, moves 100 miles away from his child to get his end away, and is a liar and a cheat is, by that very definition, an uncaring parent.

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:50

So priorities for parents who split up in whatever way should be stabilising their lives, having stable contact with their dc and good communication/co-operative parenting with their ex and when things have settled down you can start acclimatising the dc to your new life, whatever that may be.

Tonandfeather · 14/01/2014 14:52

Exactly. It's like when divorcing parents have more children. Older children can feel very pushed out if it's not handled sensitively. This guy's other children might have felt like that too. Double whammy now he's moved even further away from them too. Have they been invited to visit?

flowerpotgirl12 · 14/01/2014 14:54

offred I understand what you're saying and do agree. I however still don't agree that an affair = unloving bad parent.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/01/2014 14:56

No, but selfish git = unloving parent

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