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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

He took DD to meet OW without telling me.

39 replies

Marymoo73 · 14/01/2014 13:13

OK, I kicked him out when I found out about the second affair. Have let him see DD (3.5)as much as he wants to. Have been so damn reasonable about the shit he has thrown my way since he left. He announced 2 weeks before Xmas that he would be moving in with OW and her son at the end of Jan, approx 100 miles away from DD. We talked and agreed (or so I thought) about access, how DD would be introduced gently, no big shocks etc. Sunday, he arrives back late with DD, who announces "I've been to house". They had spent the day there. Not a word to me. I am bloody furious. He cant see the problem as "You knew it would be happening at some point" He's never been the most upfront of people and lying is pretty much second nature, but something this important I would have at least expected to be consulted about. AIBU here...just need a sanity check please :(

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Offred · 14/01/2014 14:59

No I don't think that either but sometimes, and I think the evidence suggests it may be true in this case, the reasons you have an affair are the same things which cause you to be a bad parent.

It sounds like how he's been with dd is quite selfish and disruptive tbh which is only associated with the fact he had an affair because that was also an example of him being selfish and disruptive.

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hotblacktea · 14/01/2014 15:02

He may be a selfish twat, but there's not a lot you can do here unfortunately.

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Marymoo73 · 14/01/2014 15:03

I'd just like to reiterate Flowerpot, I have not called him an uncaring parent and associated that with his affairs. Thats not the point of my post. I just wanted a sanity check on the way he's dropped my DD into a new situation after he promised he wouldnt and hopefully some guidance on how to deal with it.

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Offred · 14/01/2014 15:06

I think you need to agree a regular contact pattern and if he says he can't make it just shrug casually and say "oh dear, that's a shame, would you like to talk to dd? Will see you next "

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IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 14/01/2014 15:08

I can totally see why this is so hard for you, it's a horrible position to be in and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it

But I do think when where and how he introduced the gf was up to him. I don't think you should have been consulted, though that goes both ways and any introductions you might make are entirely up to you. As someone said earlier if you try it control that side of things you will be fighting a losing battle and it will only make things harder for you

I hope he makes things as easy as possible on your dd from now on and that she copes well with all the new changes

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IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 14/01/2014 15:10

Also you said you were tired of being reasonable about changes he wants to make? I think that's fair enough and while it's good to be reasonable and amicable it has to go both ways so don't agree to any changes you aren't happy with or will inconvenience you more than you'd like

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Offred · 14/01/2014 15:12

See making it easy on dd would mean talking to her mum about this introduction. That doesn't equate to needing permission for it but it is something the child is going to have feelings about and given she lives with her mum something her mum should have been able to prepare her for.

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Marymoo73 · 14/01/2014 15:30

Thanks for your replies. I will ensure I firm up the contact pattern Offred, so at least there is some structure for dd going forward.

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MostWicked · 14/01/2014 15:35

if one of my parents cheated on the other, I would feel cheated. I would feel hurt and betrayed on behalf of that parent. It would affect me and that's what people are referring to.

But a 3.5yr old shouldn't even know that one parent has cheated or even comprehend what cheating means.

OP, I can see that this would be difficult, but I think you are going to have to let this one go. What he did was annoying, simply because he should have been more considerate that it could be confusing for a small child, but I doubt he would even understand that.

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Lweji · 14/01/2014 16:51

I think you'll have to get used to him backtracking, lying and so on.
He has been lying his way for years, so why should it change now?

I've had exH send a message on the same day saying he's going to ring DS and then be silent and no contact.

Just keep contact stable and establish rules regarding times. What happens on his end, unless you think it's abusive, it's his responsibility and I'd stay out as much as possible.
He'll only tell you what you want to hear at the time and then do what he wants.

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anxiousnow · 14/01/2014 22:16

OP, I agree he should have discussed it with you. You state that you had both already agreed that anything should be taken slowly. That was his opportunity to say if he didn't agree rather than slyly pretend to agree then do exact opposite. It bugs me so much (as I have stated before) that the original partners have to put their hurt aside and act so responsibly or be accused of trying to control or use children, yet the cheating dishonest party is told they are an equal parent and can do what they like. Even if not in best interests of the child.

Having an affair is not in the best interests of anyone. If possible, children need two secure loving parents, both doing the best for DCs. Even if they cannot stay together, totally devastating one and all the deceit it entails, isn't helping the kids in anyway. Cheats do not just cheat on the W/H, the whole family is affected, the DCs, Grandparents, in-laws, close friends. The very least your H should have done was called you to say he had rethought your agreement and would like an introduction. SOrry he is continuing the dishonest pattern he had while you were together OP. Hope your little girl adjusts well.

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Sasquatch75 · 14/01/2014 23:26

This happened to me and my DCs, eldest is 7. Exh left and moved in with the ow and her kids (7 and 9) within a month. He took our DCs to her house 7 weeks after leaving - the DCs told me, not exh. Eldest cried his eyes out when he realised who 'she' actually was and that daddy had been lying about getting his own place. Hate exh for that as the DCs were so excited about having sleepovers at daddy's house. He rarely has them on his own - his gf and her kids are there most of the time.

Basically, I just keep telling the DCs that both daddy and mummy love them loads. They still ask me why daddy doesn't love mummy anymore and why he's living with her. Eldest even said to exh that he left because he didn't like them anymore! How awful is that! But I can see why he might think that... Exh left our family and moved in with another. What a shit head.

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olathelawyer05 · 14/01/2014 23:47

"Flowerpot, if one of my parents cheated on the other, I would feel cheated...."

'Feelings', although relevant to each of us, are not facts. Your cheating parent has not cheated on YOU, simply because YOU feel cheated.

If this guy was going to introduce daughter to his new GF, then yes he should have been prepared to do the explaining. If he didn't do this, then that's a parenting failure on his part. That being said, there's nothing to be done about it now really.

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Applecrabs · 14/01/2014 23:51

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. That's the difference between how you see things (focusing on DD) and how he sees things (focusing on himself).
There's nothing wrong with expecting him to prioritise his daughter, however I'm sure he will make it more awkward than necessary for now, it will be about easing his conscious rather than the bigger picture.
It won't be like this for ever, all you can do is your best, that will always be good enough for dd. Best of luck and keep posting, I, for one, have been there.