So I went to counselling again today.
I thought I had a pretty good insight into myself already, but talking and hearing the counsellor reflect on what I've said, telling me what she heard is proving to be really interesting. I feel like every time I go, more things are clicking into place, which is good, but at the same time, it seems like the more I work through, the more stuff that comes up and the more overwhelmed I feel by it all.
I have so many years worth of negative feelings towards/thoughts about myself from my parents and these have just been reinforced by the bad relationship choices I've made. I've only really been aware that I've been making these bad choices recently because I look for relationships that fit the model I'm used to which is one that regards me as worthless. I knew it really, well I realised it recently, but the counsellor also said I only see evidence in the world that reinforces my view of it as a hostile place that doesn't value me so I only see things through that filter.
I feel like I only attract abusive/damaged men. She suggested that it might not be that I only attract those men, but that I only recognise their behaviours as being part of a meaningful relationship. So perhaps I wouldn't notice if a decent and good man was interested, I certainly don't think I'm worthy of a good and decent man. Or rather, I think a good and decent man could probably do a lot better than me on account of them being a good and decent man. Does that make sense? Is that the same thing? It's quite interesting though.
I think that's part of what has been driving me mad with the man I'm seeing. He's so lovely and everything (but obviously not perfect!) but I really have no idea whether the way he is is because he's just not abusive and is genuinely nice, or whether he's just not really interested. It really could be either. Is he just taking the piss when he's being so lovely and saying all these lovely things? But then, why would he do that? What benefit would there be to him?
She's made me realise just how hardened I am. She asked me to describe the real me, who I see when I look in the mirror and I couldn't. I don't really know. I said I could write a pen portrait of myself - what I do, what I believe, values, interests, achievements, but we both agreed that that would be an intellectual exercise and even though on paper, I think I look like a reasonably worthwhile person, it doesn't even begin to touch me emotionally.
She said she is confident that I will be able to change how I think/feel but it just feels so big and I'm a bit intimidated by it as it starts to unfold. At the moment, I can see me having a greater insight into it all, but not how I will be able to feel differently.
Sorry this is long. I was just musing really.