The Dating Thread 68.

[Bant]

Support for everyone, dating online or in real life.

No judginess, no shoutiness. Nuff said.

[Santaclaws]

Hi blossom how long ago did you send the last message? He may just be busy. I have found however that sometimes you can message and chat to people even have the occasional phonecall, but because they are usually chatting to a few others at the same time, initially anyway then perhaps they just choose someone else

I now make sure I am also chatting to others and having dates, until I find someone suitable for me. So it's not necessarily game playing but just keeping your options open until you find the right person

I am due to have a date with Mr Bricky tomorrow. We haven't even messaged much on the site and haven't spoken on the phone although he has given me his number, I have yet to give him mine. He asked to meet up for a drink or meal within the first few messages. Is this normal? How do the rest of you usually handle it? Do you do a lot more messaging first?

I just thought he sounded ok on his profile so I thought I've nothing to lose as he lives fairly locally

[TheCrow]

Blossom I hate that, it's just plain rude! How hard can it be to send a message saying you've changed your mind instead of leaving someone hanging?! Best off finding out now than meeting him and then finding out he's ignorant and bad mannered though

[Santaclaws]

blossom apologies I missed the part where you said you were supposed to be meeting up and now he's left you not knowing one way or the other. Yes horrible he should have enough manners just to say if he changed his mind

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks, I am talking to lots of people, one thing I have learnt very quickly is don't put all eggs is one basket lol. Last message I had from him was Tues but it does not take 4 secs to reply does it. Will put it down to experience hey ho. Have 2 telephone calls arranged for tonight, on my how do you keep track. . I don't think I would meet someone without talking on the phone first, is that what most of you do?

[Santaclaws]

I have only met 4 people. Number one we didn't speak on the phone, it only lasted one date. Number two we didn't speak on phone and that lasted 3 months. Number three we did speak and he the one I'm currently not sure about, awaiting second date to make mind up. Mr Bricky and I who I am seeing tomorrow haven't spoken.

Oh and I did speak with one other guy but I met mr two so knocked it on the head

[Blossomflowers]

santa do start with coffee or go to a proper date, I am just feeling my way on this.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Positively I'm quite a bit older than you but Mr Coffee Shop is 7 years younger than me. 'Tis lovely .

[CynicalOptimist]

Blossom I'm finding the rudesness quite hard to understand too, it must be an online thing that men (and I'm sure women too) don't think good manners apply if you are behind a keyboard

Re about talking on the phone I usually don't bother I like arrange to meet as soon as possible after exchanging enough messages to see they are not an axe-murderer or the like! I think you can only see what someone is really like face to face. I keep to strict rules about first dates; somewhere public, I make my own way there/home and no going back to their place...unless they are really, really hot!! lol

I have a coffee date sunday, but this guy is so hard to read; one minute I think oh this could be nice and the next he says something that sets me on edge. But as my name suggests perhaps I've become too cynical!

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks cynical I think OLD will make you that lol. I think there is a lot of mind games going on. Will keep an open mind and see what happens. I like talking on the phone but maybe putting in too much effort

[Bant]

I read about some psychology experiments carried out a couple of years ago in the US, where people carried out online conversations with others, and some people saw a photo of the other's face, some just a photo of their eyes, and some no photo at all.

The ones with the photo of the other's face or eyes were much less likely to be rude or dishonest. If you're just communicating with pixels on a screen, you're much less likely to be nice.

And because you don't share a social group in common, there is much less fallout if you act badly, as you won't be shamed in front of your peer group.

And yes, women are rude behind a keyboard too :) although probably not as much as men.

How does the guy set you on edge, cynical?

[GreenRedBlueYellowPurple]

Yeah cynical what do you mean 'sets you on edge?' That doesn't sound good !

[GreenRedBlueYellowPurple]

Seriously though... You don't interrogate someone on a first date or beforehand, right? I mean I want to know things about him according to my vital criteria too-

-Do you have a criminal record
-Have you ever been abusive to a woman
-Does your mother phone you every night
-Are you a radical right winger
-Do you know your way around a hard boiled egg and toast for breakfast?
-How many sexual partners have you had and any STI checks

But that doesn't mean I'm going to ask him on our first meeting or by text!!

[Thinks that this is possibly where her Internet dating has gone wrong so far. Must update profile.]

;-)

[FolkGirl]

Oh I think I've had enough.

I've started reading You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I'm not sure I agree with everything she says... but the basic premise is worth going along with - that negative thoughts attractive negativity and positive thoughts attract positivity. It's the whole self fulfilling prophecy thing.

It was recommended to me by my counsellor.

I am now thinking that as far as the man I'm seeing goes, I just have too many doubts, too much uncertainty. I have a lovely time with him, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not important (enough). I suppose the bottom line is that I don't really feel like The Prize. But I don't know if that's just me. I would like to say that he spent his entire birthday weekend with me and will be spending the whole of Valentine's weekend with me too. And he is kind and thoughtful and attentive and tells me how much he likes me. It all sounds/seems very sincere. Last time I saw him, he told me that his friend wanted to meet me, so we said a brief "hello" on Skype. So he's mentioned me at least. And his friend passed a favourable verdict (so I understand - wasn't in English)

And he thought it was romantic sleeping on my living room floor before Christmas; and he offered to help me decorate my bedroom; and he shows an appropriate level of interest in my children; he holds my hand when we're out and strokes my hair when (he thinks) I'm sleeping. He tells me that he likes falling asleep and waking up with me.

I have a lovely time with him when I see him. But I don't know if it's worth all the angst I experience during the two weeks between. It seems to hit about the same time during the first of the two weeks. It will peak at the weekend and then get better as I look forward to seeing him again. As much as anything, I wouldn't discuss this with anyone in real life because I'm aware of how stupid I sound. And I'm aware I'm going to start trying the patience of The Thread.

We exchanged a dozen emails on Sunday, nothing on Monday, he emailed me on Tuesday, a further dozen emails yesterday evening...

I suppose I just don't feel like I'm that special. But I don't know if it's me and my dodgy experiences/expecations. And that because he isn't 'needy' or emotionally damaged, I don't 'recognise' him. If that makes sense.

I wish I could just enjoy it for what it is. But I can't.

[GreenRedBlueYellowPurple]

Hey FolkGirl. I would love to have a boyfriend like your boyfriend!!!!!!!

Sounds like you need to maybe start loving yourself more? It can sound twee & I'm sure your counsellor has said it too. I'm only learning to do it myself. It's really important though for you (and for the success of any relationships they say!)

[GreenRedBlueYellowPurple]

It's true though I don't feel important enough. I don't feel like a prize. I feel like I sometimes see myself through society's eyes. The 'Single Mother.' Etc etc. it's true that that's all negative thinking and when I look after myself, it helps to improve my self esteem x

[FolkGirl]

Hi Green. I know, he does sound pretty great, doesn't he?

When we were together the other week, he asked me something about my exH, I forget what now, and it's not really important, but in his response he made a reference to "someone like you" in a way that made it sound as though he thought someone like me was something quite special. You know, the way you'd talk about someone you admired. Does that make sense?

He has expressed an assumption that other men will find me attractive (they don't) but again, not in a jealous way, just in a statement of fact kind of way.

I just can't really handle the way I feel in between times when I start to doubt it all.

[LizzieBelle]

Folkgirl he sounds really nice. Try to enjoy it for what it is x

[GreenRedBlueYellowPurple]

I think it sounds like you're generally angsty. You can take your mind off anxiety by doing lots of other things when he's not there. This might boost your self esteem. Try maybe not thinking about him/ your relationship too much when he's away. See friends, read, absorb yourself etc :-)

[FolkGirl]

You're both right.

Lizzie I should definitely try and enjoy it for what it is.

I am a bit angsty generally, Green. I'm out most evenings or busy doing something and don't worry about it at all when I'm out. But when I'm home alone, my brain is working overtime. I think I'm just overthinking everything really.

[FolkGirl]

Bloody Hell. He's just emailed to say he misses me and to wish me good night.

[TheCrow]

FolkGirl he sounds lovely but it sounds as though you don't think you deserve someone lovely so you're being sabotaged by the idea that you don't. I know what you're saying about the 'single mother' thing, I think the same about myself- 26, separated single mother with bad excema, not exactly a catch! But I think they're things that other people might have a problem with, if someone came along who liked me despite them then I would like to believe him and not use them against mysrlf in an 'I'm a single mother so I don't deserve this happiness' kind of way. I hppe I haven't come across as awful here, hard to explain what I mean!

[TheCrow]

FolkGirl he sounds lovely but it sounds as though you don't think you deserve someone lovely so you're being sabotaged by the idea that you don't. I know what you're saying about the 'single mother' thing, I think the same about myself- 26, separppated single mother with bad excema, not exactly a catch! But I ight have a problem with, if someone came along who liked me despite them then I would like to believe him and not use them against mysrlf in an 'I'm a single mother so I don't deserve this happiness' kind of way. I hppe I haven't come across as awful here, hard to explain what I mean!

[TheCrow]

Oops sorry for duplicate post, phone is going crazy! In my news, been messaging 3 guys (they must be like buses).

Bachelor number 1- Hot, plays guitar, pretty certain he's only after a hookup. Will keep an eye on it.

Number 2- a bit boring in looks and messages. Think I only got in touch because it seemed like no-one else was interested feel a bit bad now!

Number 3- Very cute, looks like someone who would make me laugh. Not been online since last night. Really hoping he messages me back!

[GreenRedBlueYellowPurple]

FolkGirl I'm very jealous. He sounds really sweet. See? You must be pretty special if he's missing you!

I have to dig some confidence out of somewhere for my interrogation... I mean date tonight. Smile Green fgs and laugh off all the questions. You don't have to answer them!!!