The Dating Thread 68.

[Bant]

Support for everyone, dating online or in real life.

No judginess, no shoutiness. Nuff said.

Ahhhh - are you doing that thing that I do, where you think you're going to get dumped, so you act all cool as if you don't give a shit?

Just me then

I did reply. I said I'd had a nice time singing in the car and that'd cleared my head. He said 'cool x' and that was it. I'm sure he thinks all is ok. I'd rather chat in person - things can be misconstrued over text. I just want him to text me first and I have no choice now! I do have a really horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I worry that my life is not ordered enough for him. Part of me is struggling and wants to back away so that he can't ever hurt me. Maybe it is too much to expect. I have three dc and a job where I work odd hours.

I've bought a new dress for Tuesday - fingers crossed he texts me and it goes ahead! I am also on a fast day today and have only eaten sushi, so at least I'll fulfil his weight requirements

God, I'm depressed.

Did I mention my anxiety issues? It is quite usual for me to invent scenarios in my head that haven't happened and to absolutely believe them.

Don't try not to worry, easy to say I know if he likes you enough then nothing will put him off

Thanks hormonal, he did say he'd never felt like this about anyone before. But after the bed thing and him getting no sleep, I asked if he'd be better looking for a woman without children. He didn't reply and then he said that was because he didn't know the answer :-(

Yes I sometimes worry about the difference in lifestyle thing too Dont as Alpha doesn't have any children, is very tidy, beautiful calm house etc etc. When I mentioned it to him though he says he loves time with the whole family even though it's a bit chaotic and noisy, he comes from a big family himself and I think he misses that side of things. I am sure Geeky will also see good things in your lifestyle that are real positives.

Well he fucking well should know the answer! It's not like he didn't know you had children, is it?

Have you got his number stored anywhere? I think you need to talk.

I could facebook him. He doesn't do phone conversations. He hates talking on the phone. He also doesn't really like talking about his feelings.

He was ok about my having dc in theory. says he likes children, wants a baby with me - potentially. But the reality is a lot for him. When he first met them, he commented that ds, 4, was messy and he doesn't like mess. But he brings them little chocolates, that kind of thing and makes an effort with them.

Santa Hello!! I found multi dating worked and felt right for me. I see it as saving time, and also helped that when I did get rejections, they did not dint my confidence anywhere near as much, as I had quick distractions. I don't generally check if people are 'online' or not anyway, but I wouldn't hold a grudge agaisnt someone talking to/first dates with other people as I was doing that to. As for when do they stop - Niceguy has been on the dating sites and going to singles events for nearly a year, I think he said. He had another first date planned already when we met - he told me that he cancelled it. He said he'd met enough people to know it'd be a waste of time.

Folkgirl woop yay :-) sounding good with you!

girlie August! woah!! What are your V-day plans?

dont I think hormonal hit the nail on the head - if he likes you, nothing like this is going to put him off. But wtf is this about him not sure about being with a woman with children? I thought you two had been talking about having a baby together in the future?? It all seems to have got very dramatic and overwrought. My 2p would be to say, stop worrying about whether your life is good enough for him - and start wondering about whether he is good enough for your life. Do you have support in place for anxiety issues? Sorry you're having a rough day.

OneDay is very wise. This is about whether YOUR life can accept him, not the other way around.

I found his number on my SIM. Texted him about meeting up for dinner tomorrow. He replied in less than a minute with 'yes, please' and suggested the name of a restaurant. I do feel better.

I don't have any support for my anxiety, but I'm generally happy, just anxious.

I love geeky, so I am going to try and make it work. I know he's v fussy about what he likes and so I do feel the need to be attractive for him. But then I'm quite fussy too and I do like the fact that he's fit and attractive - so maybe that's ok?

So sorry to monopolise the thread. I SO appreciate all the support I've had on here. I feel that if things don't work out - I've got you guys to support me.

One thing he said last week was that he wished he'd met me in in about 2001. In one way, that's lovely. In another way, is he imagining the perfect life we'd have had together without my dc and complicated life?

Yes Don't, unfortunately that is exactly what he is doing! Does he not get how offensive that is for him to say, he's essentially wishing away your kids? You've said before that he struggles with retroactive jealousy. Unfortunately that's just something that adults have to learn to deal with, unless they want to be creepy and start cracking on to teenagers.

Hmmm, not impressed by that that at all. What he means is that he wants you without 'baggage'. Rude.

I know you really like him, but personally I think he's got a fucking cheek!

For what it's worth, I think it's healthy you both are now confronting these issues. This is hugely unprompted for which I apologise and I'm a cynical not-so old boot so can safely be ignored, but from an objective, outsider perspective your fairy tale romance has veered dangerously close to two people with an insecure attachment style bonding with each other. Injecting some real life is good, as long as you both have the commitment and communication styles to resolve this.

I know. But then in the past he's said that he knows he'll always be number 4 in my life and that's ok by him. Maybe he'll get used to the dc. It must be a shock to someone who doesn't have dc of their own.

I don't know how to explain the fairytale romance thing. It's never happened to me before. But it is good that I've realised that he isn't perfect. I do think this could potentially work, but it might not always be 100% smooth sailing. I've learnt that he is prone to little emotional strops.

It was a fairy tale up to now , because he has only recently met your children. Before that it was just you and him.. reality is now , you have 3 children let him deal with it ! He knew you had children when he met you ! Children make a mess , cause chaos etc , but that is life !

Dont when he does the "number 4" speech, does it seem like he genuinely means it, or is he looking for reassurance/promotion? Personally I find the ranking thing a little odd, as lovers and DCs is comparing apples with oranges.

To give him some allowances, I think navigating someone else's kids, especially this quickly and if kids aren't a frequent part of your social circle, would be a struggle. I know I'd find it very difficult for a variety of reasons and friends who have dated people with kids have struggled. Generally they've just not got involved with the kids, which has been doable in their cases but probably isn't in yours.

It can and does work in some cases though and I may just have to take it very very slowly. He did want to meet them, so on some level he wants it to work too.

Oh of course, it works in many cases. But only if both sides of the blended family are willing to adapt and can accept the reality of the situation. Geeky is openly saying that he wishes things were different in a way that they just can never be.

oneday hi there too. Got a date tonight so wish me luck. He seems nice, have chatted afew times on the phone and been in touch for about 4 weeks now. Think we would have met sooner if I hadn't wanted to delay as my daughter was due to give birth any day. She had a little girl last week I'm over the moon :)

I think although I am using the internet I actually hate this form of meeting someone, mainly due to the paranoia, rightly or wrongly instilled in me by ex partner and his obsessive use of phone ect with lots of female "friends"

But maybe he just wishes we could have spent more of our lives together. I don't want to end this now. I need to talk to him.

girlie and OneDay, thanks . He was reeling off a list of all the things he likes about me at the weekend and said that he couldn't think of a single thing he didn't like. Ah, bless him! Given that it's only been 3 months, those things comprised of physical attributes; stuff I do; who I am (obviously, he's only seen the best of me yet!); what I do for a living and how I talk about my children.

I'm not going to fall for him, I'm not that daft, but I do really like him and I think he likes me too... .. .

Don't I'm not advocating ending this now in the slightest, but I do think you need to talk. Wishing you'd spent more time together is pretty normal I think. But actually so is being glad you've met someone at the point you have. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to meet 'the one' in my early 20s. And if time together is the prize then why not look to the future and find it there? This isn't about saying he's met someone perfect and he wants to make up for lost time; this is him wanting to replace your past with one that includes him. Everything is all about creating something novel and new (and as clean and tidy as everything else has to be). These are irrational little impulses we all have but he seems to be elevating them too much. "I've never felt this way" is a fiction everyone feels when they fall in love, it's a dirty little trick that makes us forget the heartache and believe it will be different this time, but it's not something you can make the meaningful foundation of your relationship.

But if you really want him to stop dwelling on your past just tell him that you used to be fat.

Folk I think I've missed something, why aren't you allowed to fall for your perfectly lovely chap?