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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Dating Thread 68.

999 replies

Bant · 13/01/2014 23:45

Support for everyone, dating online or in real life.

No judginess, no shoutiness. Nuff said.

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 22/01/2014 13:44

Could be that too blossom, but he didn't offer a decent reason. I suppose you can only see how things pan out as all we can go on is trust and gut when chatting on the OD sites

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 22/01/2014 13:46

Jarlin That's really difficult to fathom out but if it were me I'd take it as he wasn't interested. Do you think he'd be open to discussion about where the future lies?

Blossom A bit strange that, because most people leave their picture and profile up when they've met someone, until they go exclusive. Maybe ask him a bit more about it if it comes up?

I'm not sure what's going on with Mr Coffee Shop. We had a great date on Saturday night which I updated about on here - complimented me lots, very tactile, lots of snogging and a third date was mentioned. A few texts were exchanged on Sunday evening which I instigated then I didn't hear from him between Sunday and yesterday, so I sent him a quick message last night saying how's your week going so far. He replied that things had been hectic and he was knackered, I said what was so hectic? He responded, 'Just hectic. Off to bed now, lol x'. That was it. Wtf does that even mean?! It's annoying because he made all the right noises on our last date, however he seems very uncommunicative between times which might just be his way, but I don't know where I stand and it's very annoying. I'm going to leave it now and let him contact me. Bloody men.

MorticiaSmith · 22/01/2014 13:46

jarlin I'm a similar age to you, and now the outcome of my dates isn't fuelled by alcohol as it was in my 20s and 30s more likely Costa coffee now I'm wanting to date someone who is prepared to take things slowly like your MrB.

However gorgeous he was, I wouldn't want to DTD for a few months. I realise I'm probably in the minority on here. Had too many ONS in the past to have any interest in them these days. And to me the 2nd, 3rd, 4th date isn't much different - still only known them a matter of hours.

So, to me at least, your MrB sounds like he has potential, but each to their own Smile

MorticiaSmith · 22/01/2014 13:53

Blossomflowers I'm a similar age to you. I've tried Match, Ok cupid, Times Encounters and POF. The only one I rate is POF which I think is just due to the sheer numbers on there. I don't reply to anyone who can't spell their own job title or just says 'wanna chat' or other such drivel, so I don't get into chatting with any low life.

Don't take it too seriously would be my advice - just keep it bubbling away in the background while you get on with your life.

MorticiaSmith · 22/01/2014 13:57

Softkitty - my response to men like Mr Coffee Shop has been very different since I read "He's just not that into you" - should be compulsory reading for anyone doing OD.

Blossomflowers · 22/01/2014 14:00

Thanks Morticia have you ever tried EHarmony? if so what did you think.
LOL, know what you mean about grammer. Have encountered a couple of agressive men, great you can block them, Promise I will not be taking this too seriously, hope I can chat some nice people, go on a few dates and see what happens.

TalisaMaegyr · 22/01/2014 14:01

I'd fuck him off if I were you softkitty - he should be chasing you at this stage. NEXT!

He's not married is he? Confused

TalisaMaegyr · 22/01/2014 14:03

I was told I wasn't 'suitable' for Eharmony Confused WTF does that mean?

I loved OKCupid, it was my fave. I found the general clientele a bit more intelligent and wordy. It's not for everyone though.

powpow80 · 22/01/2014 14:11

Softkitty I wouldn't contact him again either if I was you.

Also read he's just not that into you. I now feel that if a guy isn't contacting me he's not interested. I'm definitely a lot less patient and tolerant now.

Pof where I live had taken a turn towards seedy. Tons of guys saying they want a relationship when all they want is a shag. That's why I don't have pic up. I want to know someone is a bit genuine before revealing myself. I email people with and without pics if their profile seems interesting. I find that the people who reply are genuine if they are brave and answer based on profile and not on looks. For me this has cut down on the early 20s guys messaging saying I'd be in for the shag of my life and those only looking for sex.

Blossomflowers · 22/01/2014 14:15

? talisa really. I don't know your situation but you have to single, separated or divorced? EHarmony is begining to get on my nerves already, get sent these lengthy questions bit like the 3 rd degree and then nothing back.

TalisaMaegyr · 22/01/2014 14:19

Honestly Blossom! This was about 4 years ago, I think. I tried to sign up with all the gubbins, and they came back with something like 'you are not what EHarmony is looking for' or some such gubbins. I was really insulted! I was separated at the time, not like I was looking for a bit on the side! Rude.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 22/01/2014 14:29

He's definitely not married, I've been to his house. I'll try and get hold of the 'He's just not that into you' book but can someone please give me a summary in the meantime?

dontcallmehon · 22/01/2014 14:41

I've not read it soft kitty, but in my experience, when someone is into you - you will know about it. I wouldn't be happy with that text from Mr coffeeshop and I'd cool right off. He's either playing games or not interested in anything serious. There are tons of those on online dating unfortunately.

geeky is staying over tomorrow night and we have to set off for Paris at 5 am. I am almost packed. I really can't wait.

TalisaMaegyr · 22/01/2014 14:42

Basically - if he's interested, he'll make every effort to see you. No excuses. You think about it - if YOU like someone, you'll do everything in your power to contact them, find a way to see them etc. Would 'hectic' stand in the way of you contacting someone you're trying to see?

Blossomflowers · 22/01/2014 14:43

talisa what bloody cheek, I man not surprised you were insulted. I am going off them even more and more tbh

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 14:44

I haven't been on here for a while. I have other stuff going on at the moment that is taking precedence over everything else really.

I also feel a bit bad that I only seem to come on here when I need support rather than to offer it. So, I'm sorry about that.

I've been seeing my whateverheis for about 3 months. We only see each other alternate weekends, because of my children and he lives about 40 miles away, and other than brief "hey, how are you doing?" emails in between, we don't communicate otherwise - certainly no lengthy exchanges. I'd probably be happy/happier with slightly more contact, in as much as I like to read his emails when I get them, but not because I worry about out of sight being out of mind, because he does email. I rarely instigate the communication. And he does email sometimes just to tell me he is missing me and to let me know he's thinking of me...

We saw each other for the first time at the weekend after a month. He went back home overseas for Christmas. I was supposed to join him for New Year, but my passport didn't arrive in time. I think he was disappointed, but no red flags in terms of his response, he just accepted it and said we should arrange it again and go together in March or sometime when the weather would be better anyway. It was lovely when we saw each other. Like no time had passed at all.

The last time I spoke about him on here, it was because we hadn't had any chat about 'exclusivity' or whether we were 'going out' or whatever and everyone said it sounded like I should take him at his word and that is sounded like he was just a straightforward bloke. He doesn't play games. If we chat on a Tuesday and agree I'll go to his for 8pm on the Friday night, we might not speak again, that week, but I'll arrive at his at 8pm on the Friday to find dinner nearly ready and a glass of wine waiting. I sort of really like that. He just seems trustworthy and reliable. We've said it will happen and that's good enough.

So I suppose I'd like an updated verdict and some reassurances really...

He's no longer on the dating site. I checked.
He has said he'd like to spend more time with me and see me more often. Ideally every week. He understands that we can't, he just wanted me to know that he wanted to.
He told me several times at the weekend that he "liked" me. When I told him I did too, he just smiled said, "yes, but I really like you" and that was it.
He referred to me indirectly as his girlfriend (still no conversation on that score!)
He also said he wanted to get to know me better and asked me stuff about myself. I haven't really got into deep and meaningful chats with him. He's lovely and fun and I haven't wanted to scare him off by letting him see the 'real me'... but when I did he just stroked my hair and was really lovely.
His compliments seem sincere - he says I'm "very pretty" rather than beautiful or gorgeous; and that I have pretty feet (?); he likes the fact I'm honest and what I do for a living (because of what it says about me). He said that he loved my OD profile and that my photos and profile matched (apparently they often don't) and that I am exactly as I described myself. But there's nothing gushing about him. Which is perfect.
He's lovely, kind, polite, thoughtful, considerate, tender, and affectionate.

He doesn't seem needy at all. He doesn't ask me questions that I feel are designed to test me, he doesn't play games, he doesn't try and make me jealous.

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 14:49

dont pleased to read that things are going from strength to strength with geeky! :)

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 14:53

softkitty Hi, sorry, but to me, that sounds like 'hectic' means 'on other dates'. :(

dontcallmehon · 22/01/2014 14:58

Folkgirl, it sounds as if things are progressing well, but slowly and it's a positive sign that he'd like to see more of you, too.

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 15:00

Thanks Don't. :)

The thing is, I'm not looking for anything too serious. Not that I want something 'casual', just that I'm not looking to settle down with anyone. I just want a boyfriend who likes me and respects me enough to not lie and cheat.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 22/01/2014 15:02

I wondered that too FolkGirl although we had a chat during our Saturday date about multi-dating and neither of us have any other dates lined up, he even said he doesn't like multi-dating. He sounded sincere, but who knows. I'm definitely cooling off. If he contacts me, he contacts me.

Oh, and I found a downloadable version of 'He's just not that into you' and started reading it at lunchtime. Will continue tonight. It's already very eye-opening, so thanks for the recommendation.

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 15:05

People lie though kitty.

I know that I told someone on a lunchtime date I didn't have any other dates lined up when I had one that evening because I thought it probably sounded a bit crass. I also said I wasn't into multi-dating because I knew I didn't want to see him again, but he seemed like the sort of person who would have a problem with multi-dating.

When I went out with the man I'm seeing for the first time, I'd had a date the night before and was having one the following lunchtime! I told him that and he seemed a bit surprised, but more that I'd managed to arrange 3 first dates for the same weekend rather than anything else. I think he was quite impressed :D

FolkGirl · 22/01/2014 15:06

I could be wrong of course, I just ended up trusting actions rather than words when it came to OD.

TalisaMaegyr · 22/01/2014 15:07

Honestly SoftKitty, it'll make you see things completely differently. It's good for you.

DeliberatelyDreaming · 22/01/2014 15:39

Jarlin Mr OMG and I met around the end of November and today was date number three. Our problems are due to him working away, and then a serious family issue. The difference is, we text every day and when we are together (this is from date one) the affection shown really is massive. We DTD on the second date at my instigation, and while I have had doubts, they would have been much, much worse if there was not even so much as a hug. Mr OMG is only short, around 5'7 I would think, there is no correlation between that and other lengths Grin

Blossomflowers I have just turned 48, I had the most luck on POF and Smooch. I did set my requirements such as age quite tight, and only had about 4-5 20 year old's contact me in around 3 years ID. I would suggest trying all the free sites first, then go onto the paid ones if you think you may have better luck. I have never ever used a paid sites.

Today's date; I think all the concerns I had about Mr OMG have been laid to rest. We had a fantastic date, that, at my request was a re-run of our first. A walk on the beach (we walked a lot longer today and it was lovely, even the sun smiled down on us.) We then went for coffee and lunch, even having the exact same things in the same place as our first date. We then went back to his car where we talked, talked, and talked some more, while snogging and hugging all the time. He wanted some pictures of us together, so I took some of us on the beach and some in his car, we both loved them. As we were walking along the beach arm in arm, so many people who passed us and smiled was amazing, it made me feel so lucky. We both had to be home by 2:30, so he dropped me off with promises of getting me feeling secure and comfortable about 'us' and to do all he can to ease the worries I have felt. I truly do believe he will do all he can. I am blissfully happy, and feel while our dating is slow, it is also enabling us to build a level of trust where we can discuss anything and everything without worrying the other will run. I like that. He is busy the rest of this week, and is off to work for a couple of days on Saturday. He comes home then goes away again but not for too long. We have both agreed we need more time together, so after his family issue which I know must come first, and I have no problem with that, I will come next and we will see each other much more often. I feel as long as we keep talking and the amount we see each other increases, we may have a chance to make this long lasting.

I can't remember who asked - sorry, I have just turned 48, Mr OMG will be 48 in September. I teased him today about being him being my toy-boy, he liked that. Smile