The Dating Thread 68.

[Bant]

Support for everyone, dating online or in real life.

No judginess, no shoutiness. Nuff said.

Dreaming's right, Flora, only you know him, and more importantly you, so only you know the best course of action. It is still early days, however, for both of you, in terms of moving on from your pasts, so I'd say that it's quite natural to have that sort of wobble.

Out of interest, what have you done to protect yourself since your ex left? EA has a big effect on a person.

Flora He is giving out mixed messages, he sounds a little mixed up himself.

As Dreaming has said 'listen to your gut, even if you don't like what it's telling you'.

This could be a man that just helps you move on to a better one, or it could develop into something more.

Maybe try to go with the flow for now. Look after yourself

Grieving is a funny process Flora, you can be fine for ages and then it hits you. So maybe he's in one of those phases, feeling low, and he will pick up again before too long. Or maybe he really isn't ready and he's trying to let you down gently.

I think the best thing is to follow his advice - don't expect too much, and give it time and see how things are. Maybe make a decision to reassess things in a month or so?

I'd find this uncertainty very difficult to live with, personally, but some people would be fine having things less cut and dried. It all depends on how you feel and whether you're content with what you're getting from the relationship.

Hi guys, just signed up for pof (again) and received this lovely message: "you're ugly!! How dare you add me to your favourites. Remove me now".

Charming!! Not holding out much hope for success with this site. So many profiles with huge lists of 'do not wants' and zero positivity. What a horrible place!

Flora bit of mixed messages going on there. How do you feel about going ahead on the basis of what he said. It's a tough one all right. No harm in giving it a try and then reassessing.

Nice oh my god that is unbelievably horrible. I can't comprehend how someone would say that to a person. Hope it doesn't put you off od. There are nice guys there too somewhere.

I'm looking forward to my date tonight. Have a fecking spot though! Jesus I never get them. Of all the days. Still no idea what I'm wearing.

Things are all going remarkably well here - I'm worried it's a bit too well, I'm almost waiting for it to come crashing down around me. It's making me realise how controlling my ex really was though, and I feel quite liberated.

I used to be on this thread ages ago. I haven't posted for months but have a read through from time to time. I just wanted to say how happy I am that 49, OWW and Miranda are still loved up - great news!

I'm still with Mr C (who I met on Match). It's been over a year now, and we've had lots of fantastic times, but things have been a bit more difficult recently. We have a child-free weekend this weekend, so I'm hoping we can use the time to patch things up a bit.

I remember you Libby

Hope things aren't too bad. Maybe it's just one of those situations that need a bit of work?

Hi Libby Really hope you get it sorted. Mine hasn't been all roses around the door. Is it ever?

Nice It is so him. Twat !

How bloody Typical Pow I rarely get them either. If I do, can't leave it alone until its like a beacon.

Hot Great name

Hello Libby - lovely to see you on here. I hope you can sort things out with Mr C this weekend, fingers crossed that some talking and time together will help to straighten things out.

Nice that is just awful. What a foul thing to do. I would be tempted to leave him on as a favourite just to piss him off. I think you have to be very selective with PoF but there are some decent ones out there, obviously not that one though.

Pow the spot thing is a blooming pain, but to be honest I really don't think that most men notice things like that, or details of clothes and make-up.

Buns really glad you are feeling good, just enjoy it.

I decided to not pay for any subscriptions to any dating sites, to delete my OKC and POF profiles (not that I used POF really anyway as I didn't like it) and to just stay on the sofa for a while. As the Rules say, if it's not fun, stop.

I realised I was approaching my last few first-dates with the expectation that they'd be dull, I'd spend a couple of hours trying to be witty and charming, and looking for a mutual spark and connection which very very rarely happens, or at least the potential of one. At one point when I was on my most recent date I was telling some story or other, the woman laughed and I was actually a bit annoyed that I'd made her laugh at least three or four times now, and she hadn't made me even smile yet.

Funny is important to me. Looks, obviously are important too, I'm shallow like that. Life situation, common interests, all that, but if someone doesn't say anything amusing at all, a wry anecdote, a quirky observation on life, then I lose interest. They don't have to do a stand-up routine, but if there is no flash of potential, a comedy show they like, a comedian they've seen, if they're too serious about life, then I don't bother with a second date. I can be serious at work, I can have deep philosophical discussions about politics, religion, lots of stuff. But humour, to me, is what gets you through dark days together.

I was talking with some good friends last night, a married couple, the husband is my best mate, the wife I met the day after he did, 20 years ago. They argue at times, disagree at times, have difficulties and both talk to me about them because I've helped them both sort out issues in the past. And even after 20 years and 4 kids, unemployment, illness, bereavement, all that stuff, they still make each other laugh. And they did when they first met each other.

So, it's real life only for me at the moment, online dating just doesn't seem to get me dates with interesting, attractive, amusing women.

Ah well. On the sofa I will be staying for a while until I've either become un-jaded or someone really interesting sends me a message. Which is unlikely as I've disabled the accounts. Ho hum.

Blimey Bant. Never thought I'd see the day.

Thanks for the sympathy. His message has really ruined my day although I know I shouldn't let it. Onwards and upwards then, hopefully!

Nice

Have to agree with you there Bant. I am an absolute sucker for a funny guy. I find funny really attractive. Funny and ok looking is better than drop dead gorgeous and the inability to make me laugh or smile.

Nice try and put it behind your don't let some keyboard warrior on the internet ruin your day. Arsehole.

nice that is awful! I would send a really foul-mouthed response back then delete and block so he couldn't reply (if that's possible).

Nice – that’s just a shitty thing to do to someone! I’m really angry on your behalf – what an absolute tosser! Who the hell does he think he is by sending a message like that? I despair of some people. At least you’ve had a lucky escape with that one, but it’s still not nice to receive something like that. I had a similar message a while back from someone I had never even viewed – got a message out of the blue, basically having a dig at the way I’d written my profile and insinuating that I’d made things up to make myself sound interesting ‘when you clearly aren’t’.
I was feeling low in self confidence at the time and it hid me hard, stupid as it sounds.

Oneday – I’d be seriously pissed off at that too! There’s being honest, and there’s being down right cruel. He actually said he was taking another girl on ‘your’ date?? What a cock!

Don’t – you look beautiful in that dress. Geeky cannot fail to love you even more in it!

Master – all of that lingerie is absolutely gorgeous – most sale stuff seems to be sold out. Prob best, as I’ve zero funds for buying atm

Powwow – good luck for tonight – any outfit sorted yet??

Bant – sounds like you’ve made the right decision re taking a step away from OD for a while!

Hansel – that’s so frustrating when they just disappear isn’t it! Have you been for the coffee yet?

Deliberately – Mr Zany - bizarre, but as long as you’re relieved, then onwards and upwards. What was all that about though?? Why bother inviting you round if he didn’t want to make any effort?

*Update on date 3 – well, everything went just amazingly!
He arrived at mine at 7.30pm last night with chocolates and ingredients to make dinner for me, but we didn’t make it into the kitchen until after 10.30pm!!!
Had dinner after 11pm and dessert for breakfast (at midday today), then back to bed until 2pm. Siiigghhh!
Let’s just say that me having my period didn’t seem to put him off!

Also had a very light chat about OD and I asked him if he was still chatting/seeing other people and he said no and looked quite horrified by the thought. Obviously, you can never be 100% if it’s true, but I’m as certain as I can be that he isn’t seeing anyone else. He is giving the impression that he’s very keen on me, so fingers crossed. :)

I am being much more pro-active about messaging women on OKC. Wish me luck!

It frustrates me a lot that OKC is the only free site where you can list yourself as bisexual. We exist too!

I didn't realise that about the other sites, LBP, shame your choice is narrowed in that way, though if other people who are bisexual also realise this, perhaps they hang out on OKC more?

Nice, please don't let it ruin your day, he's a knob. I had someone message me once to ask if I was transgender! Other than my short hair and boyish figure (the latter isn't evident at all from my photos), there is nothing about me that could be seen as being masculine in any way. The guy was just an idiot trying to get a reaction. He didn't, because he wasn't worth it.

I've also had dating ennui, as I like to call it. I then try and stay off the sites for a few weeks, as I know I won't enjoy being there. I used to hide my profile on POF but since you haven't been able to do that, I set it so that they had to send quite a long message if they wanted to contact me. That seemed to do the trick.

OKC says that if you re-able your account, all your information is still there. Does anyone know if that's actually the case?

Funny is a deal breaker for me. It even said that on my profiles. I ain't spending time with no man who can't make me laugh.

Nice What a vile creature he is. He really isn't worth a second thought. I had a situation, not as bad when I first began dating. I hadn't even been on one date so was pretty nervous. I got a message out of the blue telling me "don't even think about contacting me, you will smell like a disgusting old ashtray, smokers are the pits". I was very shaken, but fury took over, I told him I could quit smoking, he would never be good enough to expect me to spit on him. He blocked me. Result!

tigerbear It was a very peculiar situation. Usually we would go out or he would come here, this was the first time I had ever gone to his house. I do genuinely believe it was a mixture of alcohol and being comfortable in his own environment that allowed his true colours to show. I am very relieved!

LBP I am quite shocked that bisexual people have this problem. I wonder if it would be any use contacting the sites who don't facilitate bi's and ask why. In your shoes I would not be a happy bunny!

Bant I have to say, the sofa is rather comfortable at the moment, and I am quite happy sitting on for the time being.

Mr OMG seems to sense that all is not well in DD's world and has been especially charming. Yesterday and today have been very difficult for him and his family, but I awoke this morning to a very sweet and loving text. I am more than happy with life at the moment.

Mr OMG seems to sense that all is not well in DD's world re men

Same here. I'll take personality over looks any day. One big reason I am jaded by OD is the lack of humour in the guys, it's easy to tell by the first couple / few messages if they have a way with words or a bit of wit about them...most don't (on the site I'm on anyway)
I've lost count of the number of dates that have left me feeling flat and that I'm doing all the 'entertaining' carrying the conversation along....oh for a guy with a decent sense of humour...but important in that is that we 'get' off each other and make each other laugh...I've had that possibly three times in my life....and I want it again!!

Hansel - yeah, I send a friendly chatty message to begin with, and it takes a couple before any witty repartee can begin really unless they have a funny profile. I always go for someone with a witty profile text if possible.

I know some people will be shy or a bit withdrawn on a first date, that's why you've got to exchange enough messages to know you'd like to meet someone and feel somewhat comfortable with them, but not so many that you've built it up into some connection that it's not yet. Fine line to tread.

Mind you, after a couple of fairly dull email exchanges with a woman last year, I sent her (on the 4th email or so) -'So is this the point where you send me a picture of your penis? I've heard that's de rigeur on these sites' and she blocked and deleted me. Obviously our senses of humour didn't gel.

Even a lot of paid sites don't have a bisexual option - match don't and they own OKC. I know their stance is that not having a bisexual option means they don't get couples looking for threesomes and it goes against their image of promoting serious romantic relationships. Which is a bit shit for those of us who are not monosexual (heterosexual or homosexual) but would like a serious romantic relationship. You do get a lot of people after threesomes on OKC but there are many many more bisexual people who are not after threesomes there.

I don't know why POF or other free sites don't have the bisexual option but I have only used POF or OKC so not sure about other free sites.

More on dating sites and lack of bisexual options. I do use the 'I don't want to be seen by straight people' option on OKC since sadly if I do, I get a lot of grim messages from pervy straight blokes.

Oh and for a long time eHarmony wouldn't even allow gay profiles - the site was started by conservative Christians. I think they only allowed gay profiles after someone took legal action.