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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating .... should she know ?

104 replies

smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 15:42

Hi
New here so please be gentle

I recently started a casual relationship with a really fun guy - it was a good friendship as well as the rest.... However I found out he is married !

We are not longer together, for me he betrayed my friendship and broke the fragile trust I had in guys.

Anyway my question is do I tell his wife ? I know with certainty he has seen women before me and within a week was seeing someone else. I also found out he is bi and seeks to meet guys with his new woman for bi fun 3sums.

He has 2 children and from what I can gather his home life is good - this is all about the thrill for him.

Can I have your thoughts please ? I am feeling partly pee'd because of his lies to me, I feel guilty even though I didnt know and I feel annoyed he can just move on to another without a thought ...

OP posts:
Rosencrantz · 13/01/2014 15:46

Had a recent dilemma myself, but I only got involved because the woman being hurt is my friend.

I wasn't sleeping with the guy, but I witnessed him with the ow. I gave the guy an ultimatum - one week to tell her, or I would. He told her.

Not sure I could be arsed if I wasn't protecting a friend though and didn't know the situation.

Do you know anything about the woman? Is there a chance she knows he strays and she lets him? Not your business in that situation.

Such a tricky one. Don't envy you OP.

Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 16:06

I suppose there is a chance she knows and is ignoring but doubtful. She sounds like a very strong, calm person who is very much used to him working odd hrs with his job he is used to lying.

I spoke to him once I knew and he has done this a number of times and is very confident !
I know its spiteful and would hurt her and children but I almost want to show him he is not the superman he thinks, he is just being so disrespectful to his family and all the other women he doesn't tell the truth too

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Chattymummyhere · 13/01/2014 16:11

I would tell her, at the end of the day he is risking a lot of people's sexual health, you don't mention how old anyone is but don't let her waste maybe some of her best years with a wast of space thinking everything is perfect.

Leavenheath · 13/01/2014 16:15

How would you go about telling her, if you did?

Got the courage to speak to her personally?

Or would you be thinking of doing it remotely or worse still, anonymously?

That matters to the advice I'd give you on this.

Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 16:16

He is 40 children 10&12

If and only if i do decide to tell her how do i do it ? She doesnt know me and approaching a stranger would be awkward at best.

He has basically said any threat to his marriage would be biggest regret of my life

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 16:18

No. Don't tell her. You'll get it in the neck rather than him and he'll have some plausible excuse or just make out you were lying. If he does this kind of thing regularly, she may even know about it and be past caring. Score one to experience and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 16:19

"biggest regret of my life"

Hang on... is he saying that if you threaten his marriage, you'll regret it? (A threat.) Or he'll regret it?

Joysmum · 13/01/2014 16:22

Tell her, this isn't about you, or him, it's about ensuring she knows and can make her own choices for what she wants in life. I'd quite happily come across as being the bearer if bad news if it empowered somebody else. I'd want to know and I believe in treating others how I'd wanted to be treated myself.

Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 16:22

He was saying it to, in that it would be biggest regret of my life.

He is more than confident, passed being cocky. Having all these women is almost normal and he sees that it would be wrong of me to challenge or end it

OP posts:
Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 16:23

Joysmum - that's my thought. When my ex cheated I was told by a woman I barely knew. Best thing she did

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 16:24

So do you feel threatened by him? Is he in a position to make your life unpleasant? Has he shown any aggressive tendencies?

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 16:25

No no no no. You can not tell her. Why hurt her when she has done nothing to you? She could, of course know, and turn a blind eye. You don't know their circumstances so you just have to accept you have been taken for a mug (sorry) and move on. It is not your role to play judge and jury on behalf of his family.

Retain some dignity. Your friendship was not that good if you didn't know he was married.

Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 16:27

I don't know to be honest. He doesn't know where I live, I am single so nothing he could say / do harm reputation with work etc.

I am naturally very guarded and now I know he is married explains why he wasn't fussed about knowing more.

OP posts:
Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 16:29

Fiftyandfab - I see what your saying and that's why I posted a question. I am very much everyone should always know the truth, but I can see not everyone wants to know

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 13/01/2014 16:35

I really hate it on threads like this when posters try to put the responsibility for some poor cuckold's hurt onto the messenger, not the one who is screwing around.

If you're going to do this, do it personally so that she can ask questions and can see your evidence if necessary. If she already knows, she can choose to do nothing about it just as if she doesn't know, it's always an option for her to do nothing. Don't assume^ one way or the other. Give her the facts and let her make her mind up.

But if you won't speak to her personally, do nothing.

CosyTeaBags · 13/01/2014 16:39

I would walk away from it all to be honest. Yes she deserves to know, yes he's an arse - but none of that is your problem.

If, from the sounds of it, he has made a threat against you if you dare tell his wife, why risk bringing the hassle, and continued involvement with him that would involve into your life.

Walk away, chalk it down to experience - and I bet, one day in the long run, you'll hear on the grapevine that he got caught out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 16:41

It's not the responsibility of the OP either way - that's the whole point. Tell. Don't tell. She owes neither person in this little drama anything.

Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 16:44

OK Leavenheath that is something to think about. It would be painful and embarrassing to face her but I would if that would be the best way.
Though finding a way to get her alone would be difficult... Something to think about

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Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 16:48

CosyTeaBags - the threat makes me more want to tell. I have never been told what to do in a relationship. I think he is used to ruling his other women.

Cognito - You are right I owe neither anything but I hate the injustice of it

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 16:56

It's not just at all. I get it that you're indignant and want him to suffer. I even get that you want his DW (and DCs?) to be exposed to what a sheister he is and have chance of a better life. But the number of times I've seen threads saying ... 'it wasn't darling DH's fault, the OW relentlessly pursued him!' etc it's a huge personal risk.

Joysmum · 13/01/2014 16:58

I think that's it in a nutshell, it's an injustice.

No, this isn't your responsibility but I do think that the old adage of treating others how you'd wish to he treated yourself is a good one to live by.

If this cunt is a serial adulterer and the wife doesn't know, he'll continue to do this and how many more years will she have wasted if her life being devoted to this bastard.

Now put yourself in that situation, how would you feel if your partner had been cheating on you got years and you didn't know which then denied you the opportunity to get out and find someone who would love you the way you deserve to be loved.

I'd far rather have someone pissed off with me than deny someone the information and therefore living a lie. We only get one life, why should this poor woman not have a good one? If she already knows, then what's the worst that could happen?

I couldn't sit in info like that, it's not fair.

Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 17:01

I know, I know ... I hate this. I would rather never have known. But I have done 'research' and have proof of him being on a site where guys meets and on a swingers site with new woman. And he told wife he was working Friday night when he had arranged a 3sum with a bit guy

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GimmeDaBoobehz · 13/01/2014 17:01

I personally would tell her.

Think about the risk to her sexual health if he is going about sleeping with a load of people.

If she knows fair enough that's up to her if she's willing to put up with it but if she doesn't whether she believes you or not, I would be pretty sure she'd get a check just in case.

But at the end of the day it's up to you.

I know if it was my partner I would walk to know for the above reason.

CosyTeaBags · 13/01/2014 17:02

I agree it's a difficult one.

If you do feel that you have to tell her, then just do it as sympathetically as possible. I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to meet her in person, but could you get a letter / email to her with all the relevant detail on. What I mean is, dont drip feed her with snippets of info, but just lay it all out in one go together with your contact details. And be prepared for her to contact you.

Alternatively, is there anyone else you could talk to, such as a friend of hers who can help break it to her?

It's not ideal, but my advice would be that whatever you choose to do - try to do it with the utmost respect and compassion for this poor woman.

Original poster
smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 17:03

How ever do I approach this woman and start unravelling her world in front of her ?

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