Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Cheating .... should she know ?

104 replies

smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 15:42

Hi
New here so please be gentle

I recently started a casual relationship with a really fun guy - it was a good friendship as well as the rest.... However I found out he is married !

We are not longer together, for me he betrayed my friendship and broke the fragile trust I had in guys.

Anyway my question is do I tell his wife ? I know with certainty he has seen women before me and within a week was seeing someone else. I also found out he is bi and seeks to meet guys with his new woman for bi fun 3sums.

He has 2 children and from what I can gather his home life is good - this is all about the thrill for him.

Can I have your thoughts please ? I am feeling partly pee'd because of his lies to me, I feel guilty even though I didnt know and I feel annoyed he can just move on to another without a thought ...

OP posts:

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 18:07

I agree that the husband is ultimately causing potential misery Rosen. As I said earlier, I simply don't believe it's the OP's role to act as judge and jury on behalf of his family. Karma is a bitch...I would leave it to her to give him his just desserts (which I'm sure will happen in the fullness of time).

Rosencrantz · 13/01/2014 18:08

Not sure I believe in karma.

CosyTeaBags · 13/01/2014 18:08

The thing is Fifty your situation was a bit different, because that person was telling you something about your DP that was in the past, and was presumably was intended to cause upset, but wasn't a deal breaker for you.

OP is aware of something that this man is doing at the moment, which presumably his wife doesn't know about because he threatened OP not to tell her.

For what it's worth - the only reason I suggested to OP that she shouldn't tell was to protect herself from any fallout, and to remove her involvement from this situation. I most certainly wasn't projecting.

Good to hear that you will have the support of your family if you do go ahead with this OP.

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 18:09

Karma has no conscience. Decent human beings do.

worsestershiresauce · 13/01/2014 18:10

I'd tell her. I've been the wife and I would not have shot the messenger. Far from it. I'd have been grateful.

Leavenheath · 13/01/2014 18:12

Neither do I and it seems to be yet another of those vague and nebulous things that women get fobbed off with all the time. Have we had be the better person yet? That command usually gets an outing on these threads . The OP hasn't got the power to act as 'judge and jury'. All she is considering doing is passing on information which the woman can choose to action or not.

CosyTeaBags · 13/01/2014 18:14

Another way to look at this OP.

Think about yourself. And yourself only for a moment.

If you choose to tell the wife, then that means you will worry about it until you do the deed. You will have to face a very difficult confrontation which you have no idea how it will go. You may have to face fallout from that. You will almost certainly feel upset before, during and possibly after it. Your involvement in this horrible situation will continue for some time to come. On the plus side, you might feel a bit of relief at helping her out... but it's not a given. Basically, you will open up a shit storm, and you cannot predict the fallout.

If you choose not to tell the wife, your involvement in this saga is already over. You have no more dealings with this man and his shitty life. He can't upset you any more. On the negative side, you might feel some anguish for the wife, and you won't get your revenge.

I still think, from a purely selfish point of view where your own wellbeing is first and foremost - not telling would serve you better.

Original poster

smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 18:26

Oh dear so many thoughts.

Cosy - i really appreciate you makingnme consider the fallout. I am usually and rush in and think later person.

Fiftyandfab - are you not judging me now agter telling me i have no right to ?

I am going to sit on these thoughts for a couple of days. My gut is saying tell her and get it done. My head is saying wait and think.
I will see if he tries to talk to me and justify it or warn me off again. If he contacts me I will tell

OP posts:

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 18:32

Am not judging you at all OP, not my style, just offering my opinion. Which you solicited. I wouldn't tell as I wouldn't want the potential fallout on my conscience. I'd be hurt and angry yes. But I wouldn't cast myself in the role of messenger.

Incidentally, why would he try and talk to you/contact you? I thought it was over?

Jaffacakesallround · 13/01/2014 18:34

I think it's s bit rich insinuating on these threads ( as always) that anyone who says 'don't tell' is projecting their own situation or experiences. It's such a cheap, snide comment and is no more relevant than saying all betrayed women come on here and project their experiences.

Why is it that someone is not allowed to have an opinion without it being a case of 'projecting' ( and unless you are a qualified therapist you should not bandy words like that around.)

I used Bunny Boiler in the loosest sense- a woman seeking revenge. You don't have to take it so literally as in the film.

Based on what you wrote OP I don't think you are considering telling out of altruism. I think no one should meddle in other people's marriages.

wannabestressfree · 13/01/2014 18:36

I would tell her. But.......
I know a lady whose husband has regular affairs where he works mon- fri. She turns a blind eye. That was until he had an affair with a mum at school and the mum told her. She was furious with the mum for bringing it to her doorstep.
What I am trying to say is be careful.

Original poster

smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 18:38

Because he denied seeing this other woman or signing up on the guys site to meet guys for 3sum. I asked him to be truthful because its easier for all but denied it trying to make out I was mad to think that.
I got proof Friday night and showed it to him. He has gome silent since... But i sense it wont last as he will want to do some damage limitation incase i tell

OP posts:

PPaka · 13/01/2014 18:38

I'm kinda the wife in that situation
I wish someone had told me

Meerka · 13/01/2014 18:41

smiling if you tell her, you could meet her face to face, or you could send her a letter or put it through the door when you know she is home. But put your first name and phone number on it and emphasise that you did not know and that you ended it as soon as you realised.

it could come as one hell of a shock to her, one which she will need time to take in.

Also, if she knows and is closing her eyes, it's a lot easier to close your eyes to a letter than it is to a real live woman standing in front of you. If your number is on it, she can contact you if she wants to, when she wants to. The ball at that point is in her court, which gives her some power back at a point where she may be feeling pretty overwhelmed.

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 18:43

Jaffa wrote: Based on what you wrote OP I don't think you are considering telling out of altruism. I think no one should meddle in other people's marriages.

I second this. OP let it go....re. * Because he denied seeing this other woman or signing up on the guys site to meet guys for 3sum. I asked him to be truthful because its easier for all but denied it trying to make out I was mad to think that.
I got proof Friday night and showed it to him. He has gome silent since...*

He doesn't owe you anything...not an explanation....NADA.... your original post said it was 'casual', why are you presenting him with proof of his infidelities to his wife. It's none of your business....now you sound like you just want revenge.

OatcakeCravings · 13/01/2014 18:43

Do you want to tell his wife because you are very concerned about her sexual health? Or are you hurt and angry (totally understandable btw) and you want him to feel some of the pain you are going through? Be very clear what your motives are before deciding.

IMO I'd be questioning how much drama you need in your life and if the answer is not that much them I'd leave well alone, pick myself up and get on with my own life.

Original poster

smilingeyes79 · 13/01/2014 18:49

Just because a relationship was fairly new and casual doesn't mean it should be just taken lightly or treated as just a shag. By casual I meant it wasn't very seriius. No matter if I am seeing someone for a week or a year I expect respect and honesty

OP posts:

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 18:59

Oh dear. Life is NOT like that. You can't expect everything that happens to you in life to adhere to a 'perfect' script. Shit happens love. Think yourself lucky you didn't get in any deeper. I suspect you have already made up your mind about how this will play out....

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 19:02

And furthermore, if you expect respect and honesty (which of course, is your prerogative)...may I respectfully suggest you take a little more time getting to know someone in the future?

ShedWood · 13/01/2014 19:06

I genuinely don't understand all of these "what she (the wife) doesn't know can't hurt her style comments". Does anyone here honestly believe that just because the DW in this situation doesn't know her husband is cheating that's ok?

Equally, where are all of these women who allow their husbands to sleep with other people? I know it's not the kind of thing you'd discuss with a stranger, but I have a lot of close female friends and all of them rate monogamy very highly within their relationships.

Personally if my DH was cheating on me I would want to know, and I wouldn't care who told me or their motivation behind it, because everyday I was married to someone with one foot outside the marriage would be a day wasted in my opinion, and I would blame him for the cheating, not her.

Jaffacakesallround · 13/01/2014 19:36

Just for the record, OP many years ago I was lied to by a married man who was initially separated( that bit was true) then his wife returned- but I was never told, and found out in other ways. I decided to make myself known to her and the fact I'd been around for rather a long time. Guess what- decades later they are still together and happy.

On the other hand , I also got to know a man who turned out to be married, and I kept my mouth firmly shut. The divorced.

You cannot guarantee the outcome you want always. And I second fifty to point out that you need to do your homework and be sure your beaux are unattached- unless you knew all along and there is more to this than you are saying.

Leavenheath · 13/01/2014 19:49

Oh what utter rot!

No-one needs a therapy qualification to use a word in the dictionary that everyone understands.

And it's fine to warn the OP that 'a lot' of posters might be projecting their own experiences on to their advice, as long as no-one says that everyone who says 'don't tell' has the same motives. Because they don't, any more than posters who always say 'yes, tell' or those who say 'it's up to you but here are some safeguards and considerations'.

Every time an OP asks for advice, she needs to bear in mind people might have motives behind the advice they give, based on their own personal experiences- especially if they choose not to share why they feel the way they do. I've got no problem with the OP looking at my advice like that, in fact I'd encourage it because people are not always what they seem on the internet.

'Bunny boiler' is a horribly misogynistic word, for which there is no male equivalent. An angry woman is perfectly entitled to seek revenge without being called nasty names that are only reserved for women.

Can we please stop blaming a woman for the lies a man told while we're at it?

No-one should have to wait a prescribed amount of time before expecting someone to tell the truth about being married FFS.

OP while I understand the advice about sending a letter with your contact details on it, my main concern is that a) you've no idea of the woman's frame of mind when she gets it, whereas if you're talking to her you can show her some kindness and tact in your body language and tone, as well as the words chosen. And b) This bloke might be on the look-out for strange post and could intercept a letter.

Oakmaiden · 13/01/2014 19:51

I think I would tell.

Firstly because I would be concerned that this woman's sexual health is potentially being compromised without her awareness.

Secondly, I have a friend who recently discovered that her husband had been having several affairs - and that other people around her knew and decided to "protect" her by not telling her. She was almost as upset with them as with her husband.

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 19:56

gosh. No-one is right or wrong here. The point is, how can anyone offer advice without experiences. THAT'S the point of soliciting opinions, so that the OP can sift through them all to arrive at HER OWN conclusions on how to deal with her problem, based on others' experiences surely?!

I don't see anyone here being an apologist for this arse wipe of a man. We all make mistakes/the wrong choices in life etc. The best we can do is deal with them in a way that would cause least pain to any innocent party. Without a hidden agenda of revenge/payback/schadenfreude.

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 20:00

Oak. Your point there is that your friend's friends were trying to protect her. The OP is NOT part of this man's wife's life...any more than she was a part of his. His wife's sexual health is NOT her concern.

I do believe some posters here are being deliberately blind to the obvious. OP made a mistake, she's hurting and wants him to pay by taking her misplaced revenged out on this man's wife WITHOUT knowing what effect the inevitable fallout will have.

Who died and made anyone Judge and Jury on ANYONE'S marriage?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5