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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm really sorry but I have to post here

84 replies

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:02

Kinda promised myself I wouldn't do this again, whatever happened I'd keep it to myself but I'm really not coping with anything very well.

For anyone who doesn't know, I split with my dp in February, but then let him move back in at the beginning of June. I let him move back in because I was broke and fed up. I knew I didn't want him back, and told him so but anyway he moved back in.

My plan was to go back to college whilst he stayed at home, i'd do college maybe go to uni and then get a job and get me and the kids somewhere to live, but that could take years and I just can't do years.

I have even considered leaving without the kids which is just bloody awful and I am so ashamed of myself for even thinking it. I wouldn't actually do it, I couldn't, but the thought was there all the same.

So anyway, I have told him I regretus getting back together and he just blanks it and carries on as normal. I think I am really going to go off my head if I have to pretend anymore.

I know there is no way he will ever move out this time so what can I do, I am stuck and it's my own stupid fault, I am wrecking my kids lives and making myself nuts.

Don't mind if no one wants to reply, it has has helped to write it down anyway.

OP posts:

misdee · 27/07/2006 12:04

sorry nutty

all i can suggest is kicking him out again. and i know he wont go quietly, and he will make your life hard, and it will upset the kids.

are you rowing? or just living side by side quietly seething?

Freckle · 27/07/2006 12:05

When he moved out before, did you get the tenancy put into your sole name? If you did, then he is there as a lodger and you can tell him to leave at any time.

If not, then it is more difficult and I'm not sure what to suggest.

winnie · 27/07/2006 12:05

oh nutcracker don't be so hard on yourself!

is it possible for the two of you to live under the same roof whilst you sort yourself out whilst making it clear you are not together?

or, is it possible that you can get some space by gettign away for a short while to help get a better perspective?

trinityrhino · 27/07/2006 12:05

oh darling, I feel for you, I'm so sorry that I have no advice and can't help you

try not to keep blaming yourself

have you thought of asking for help from ss or cab, I have no idea if they could but you obviously need to tyr something

FoghornLeghorn · 27/07/2006 12:06

I don't know what to say nutty Have followed this all along and really hoped when the 2 od you decided to give things another go it would really work out this time.
Why are you so sure he wont leave this time ?

dinosaur · 27/07/2006 12:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Socci · 27/07/2006 12:11

Message withdrawn

charliecat · 27/07/2006 12:11

Oh nutty

serenity · 27/07/2006 12:13

I don't think anyone can judge you nutty. It's very easy to give advice when you're not the one who has to turn your life upsidedown to take it. I have nothing useful to say I'm afraid, just hope that you can sort something out before it gets too much My SIL is in a similar position (miserable staying but far too difficult/complicated to leave) and told me once that she dreamed of catching her H having an affair so she could stab him and be free of him that way I always hope she wasn't as serious as she sounded at the time.

charliecat · 27/07/2006 12:15

Are you living together as friends, or enemys, or as partners and your hearts not in it?

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:18

I'd be ecstatic if he had an affair, daft isn't it.

At the moment he is just completely blanking the fact that I don't want this. When I said he could move back in I was sobbing cos it wasn't what I wanted and he knew that, he knew why I was doing it, but all that matters to him is that he's back.

I was lucky he left the first time, he'll not go again. He has no money and no where to go and theres no way he'll stay with his family again cos they don't get on.

I would move out if I could, but there is nowhere to go. My mum lives in a one bed flat, and my dad has a house but both of my brothers still live at home.

His name is still on the tenancy by the way, never got round to getting it taken off, cos he had to write a letter and he didn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:20

We are living together as partners but there is a no sex rule (placed by me) and basically it is hell. I have to pretend I am happy when I am far from it.

He's not at work either which makes it 10 times worse.

OP posts:

charliecat · 27/07/2006 12:23

Oh gawd I havent forgot some of the things you wrote before he left
Spending all day with him must be like hell on earth.
Shite. Well when he does go, you will definelty know that its the right thing. No doubt in your in your mind next time, if nothing else.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/07/2006 12:25

Nutty it's not easy ending a relationship, and I think I would probably give it as many chances as it took before throwing the towel in too.

Why do you think he won't move out this time?? Are you ready for him to start behaving the way he did when he moved out last time ie not visiting the kids etc???

compo · 27/07/2006 12:25

Oh no, so sorry to hear tis Nutty. I think the best thing to do is to tell him to leave again. I know that it will be incredibly hard but surely he can see that being in a loveless relationship is no good for anyone?

Freckle · 27/07/2006 12:27

Then all I can suggest is that you try to lead totally separate lives - don't do his washing, cook for him, etc. All the while you maintain this pretence of a partnership, he has no reason to go elsewhere and may even think there is still a chance to make a go of the relationship.

It is hard, but it is his home too and, in his eyes, why should he leave simply because you have decided it's not working? Perhaps if you make it less comfortable for him there, he might see leaving as a better option.

serenity · 27/07/2006 12:27

Can you treat him like a lodger? Tell him that you are living separate lives although living in the same house.

Don't wash his clothes, don't cook his food, don't clear up after him.

Do you have to sleep with him, could you decamp to the sofa or a pull out bed with the girls?

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:27

But i don't think he'll go. He hated staying with his family and I just don't think he'll even consider it.

I just feel so stupid, i've let myself and my kids down.

OP posts:

compo · 27/07/2006 12:28

But if you tell him it's over for good why would he stay? If you do as others suggeste and treat him like a lodger etc surely he will come to the conclusion that it's best to go?

charliecat · 27/07/2006 12:29

You were doing it because you THOUGHT it would work out, you thought you might be able to have a happy family life. Thats not a bad thing to do. Dont feel stupid.

SherlockLGJ · 27/07/2006 12:29

AW Nutty.

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:30

Your right, why should he leave it's his home too, but it would be easier for him to find somewhere else on his own than me and 3 kids.

Believe me, if i had the money to rent a place i'd be gone tommorow, but thats never gonna happen, i'd need at least £1000 and at the mo I couldn't scrape together £100.

Yep we could stay living as we are, but how long i'd stand up to it mentally I don't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:31

He isn't bothered how we live, to him all that matters is that he is back here with me and the kids.
I have told him I don't love him or fancy him and that I don't want a relationship with him ever again. He said thats fine as long as he stays.

OP posts:

Bugsy2 · 27/07/2006 12:34

Nutcracker, please don't beat yourself up about letting yourself & the children down. You fought so hard to get him out & it was a constant battle for you & then really tough to be on your own with 4 children.
Could you talk to the local authority about rehousing for you and the children? Could you get your name on some kind of list? I don't know that much about this, but I'm sure there must be other MNers who could advise you about it.
You are a brave person with alot on her plate, please don't be down on yourself about having him back.

compo · 27/07/2006 12:35

I don't understand. What is he getting out of the relationship? Would he mind if you saw other men?

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