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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm really sorry but I have to post here

84 replies

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:02

Kinda promised myself I wouldn't do this again, whatever happened I'd keep it to myself but I'm really not coping with anything very well.

For anyone who doesn't know, I split with my dp in February, but then let him move back in at the beginning of June. I let him move back in because I was broke and fed up. I knew I didn't want him back, and told him so but anyway he moved back in.

My plan was to go back to college whilst he stayed at home, i'd do college maybe go to uni and then get a job and get me and the kids somewhere to live, but that could take years and I just can't do years.

I have even considered leaving without the kids which is just bloody awful and I am so ashamed of myself for even thinking it. I wouldn't actually do it, I couldn't, but the thought was there all the same.

So anyway, I have told him I regretus getting back together and he just blanks it and carries on as normal. I think I am really going to go off my head if I have to pretend anymore.

I know there is no way he will ever move out this time so what can I do, I am stuck and it's my own stupid fault, I am wrecking my kids lives and making myself nuts.

Don't mind if no one wants to reply, it has has helped to write it down anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:38

Dunno what he's getting out of it. I asked him if it bothered him that he knows it's not what I want and he said no.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:38

He's probably doing it to punish me.

OP posts:

compo · 27/07/2006 12:39

Maybe he's very insecure and just craves to be in a family environment. It sounds like he's scared to be single.

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:41

Oh yes he definatly is scared to be single, I agree.

OP posts:

bundle · 27/07/2006 12:42

Nutty you are worth much, much more than this, it truly is a life half-lived for both of you.

You both obviously need to start again (on your own) but it will be hard..I'm sorry I can't offer any magic spell to make it happen but I really think you will carry on feeling like this, while you're both living in the same place with no reason to be together other than lack of money and fear of being alone

tiredemma · 27/07/2006 12:43

He's doing it to fuck up your head, wish i could offer some good advice, sorry nutty- i really thought it was working this time for you.

i second what everyone else says, live a seperate life- do your own thing, dont cook his food, clean his clothes, pretend he doesnt exist. He cant really want to live like that. Continue with your plans- you wont be stuck like that forever, eventually you will be able to be in a position where you can get away from him, it wont happen tomorrow though, will take time.

Make his life miserable- go out with friends and leave him in with the kids and let him see that you really dont want/need him.

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:45

Thing is if I start seperating washing, meals etc, it will create an atmosphere which I don't want, especially if there is a chance we might have to live this way for years.

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Freckle · 27/07/2006 12:51

But surely there's an atmosphere already? How resentful do you think you will become if he not only won't move out but you are expected to do all his cooking etc. too?

Perhaps a short-lived awful atmostphere, which leads to him moving out, is better than one which festers on for much, much longer.

LIZS · 27/07/2006 12:51

nutty I think you need some practical advice and counselling (preferably for both of you) to help you resolve it before it inevitably wears you down and generates ill feeling int he home. Are there any mediation or Relate services around ?

Have you thought about going back to your work now he is available to look after the kids - it seemed to give you a spark of confidence before.

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 12:56

Sorry will have to reply later, he's just got back.

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expatinscotland · 27/07/2006 13:01

sorry to read this nutty.

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 13:18

I have thought about getting a job yeah, had an interview a few weeks ago but didn't get it.

Am not sure what to do for the best, do I try to get him to leave or leave it and try and get money for me and the kids to leave ?

If i move out it will have to be completely diff area cos it's exspensive round here, but the kids are settled.

It's just all such bollocks, excuse my french.

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bluejelly · 27/07/2006 13:23

Sorry to hear about the situation Nutty.
From an outsider's perspective I think the main problem is money. You are both hampered by the fact that you aren't working and this is severely limiting your options in terms of housing.
If I were you I would throw yourself into job hunting, don't let the fact that one iv didn't go well hold you back.
You've got to keep trying.
A job could do wonders for your self esteem too-- and help you gain a different perspective on your relationship.
Good luck

Bugsy2 · 27/07/2006 13:26

NC, you sound as though you are resigned to staying with him. Do you really not see a way out? I know you said on another thread that you are frightened of being on your own - do you think that feeling is holding you back more than the practicalities?

bundle · 27/07/2006 13:28

go back to the people you didn't get the job with and ask for some constructive feedback, I agree getting a job could transform things for you

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 13:30

I'm not frightened of being on my own, more frightened of not coping, but having tried and and gone back to this I now know that however hard my life was on my own, it is harder with him.

They said the reason I didn't get the job was because the other candidate had relevant hospital experiance and I didn't. They said had there been 2 positions though they would have given me the other.

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bundle · 27/07/2006 13:34

nutty that's great, re: suitability. I'm glad you said that re: knowing it's worse now you've gone back to this.

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 13:38

I do regularly check the job websites so if anything else comes up I will definatly apply. The hospital tod, me to apply for anything similar but there isn't anything right now.

Even sitting here is hard, I have my mouth clamped so tightly shut my lips have gone numb. So much I want to say to him right on the tip of my tounge, but it might start a row and the kids are here, so instead I sit and say nothing.

OP posts:

winnie · 27/07/2006 14:17

oh nutty it sounds horrid

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 14:40

Ok an update.

I asked him why he is carrying on like I said nothing and he said he wasn't. I told him that if we stay like this I will end up very ill.

He said that he doesn't want that and he will look for somewhere to live.

So slightly relieved here but not holding my breath. He has no money so chances of him finding something are very slim.

At least he seems to get it now.

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Original poster

nutcracker · 27/07/2006 14:41

He said he might go the YMCA but will fall over with shock if he does tbh.

OP posts:

winnie · 27/07/2006 14:45

nutty, fingers crossed for you

NomDePlume · 27/07/2006 14:50

Nutty, I'm sorry to say that this was inevitable. You took him back for all the wrong reasons and only with the benefit of hindisght have you realised that it will never work. I really, really feel for you .

I agree that you need to be firmer with him and tell him that you gave it another try and it just isn't working out. It isn't what you want but you had to give it another try for the sake of the kids.

This may sound harsh but here goes....I do think that you have to be absolutely certain that if he goes you do not want him back, EVER. P leaving a second time will be hard on the kids but at least you can honestly say that you did try, you didn't ask him to leave on a whim (YKWIM). They will recover (you all will) and hopefully it'll make for a happier future for you all. But you must make sure this is the last of the indecision because taking him back again will start to confuse and unsettle the kids, bigstyle.

You can make it alone Nutty. It will be harder financially etc in the short term but it will be soooooo worth it.

Thinking of you x

NomDePlume · 27/07/2006 14:51

Just read you update Nutty. I hope he puts more effort into finding somewhere else than he did last time... x

compo · 27/07/2006 14:53

Well done Nutty. Wasn't he living in a flat before when you split up?

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