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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Letting go of someone you love

30 replies

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 09:23

I just write a very long paragraph but then decided to delete it and replace with a simple question.

When you are in love with someone and them you, but know things aren't working, how do you find the strength to end it knowing that you will be heartbroken?

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Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 09:25

*wrote

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 09:28

You have the courage of your convictions and something in place to deal with the emotional fall-out... support from friends, diversions, a holiday whatever. Not easy but you can waste a lot of your time otherwise.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 09:31

Oh yes.... and keep the reason for breaking it off as short & simple as possible. i.e. 'It's not working'. The horrendous 'I always love you but...' is not what people want to hear. Going into long explanations why it's not working doesn't help either and can make the dumpee think they can fix the relationship if they argue their case. Finally... a long period of strict no contact is essential. Your resolve will wobble at some point and it's unfair to yo-yo.

Holdyourhobbyhorses · 13/01/2014 09:33

If you know that it's kinder in the long run to you both to end it now rather than drag it out that helps.

The sooner you both let go, heal and move on the sooner you will have the space to meet someone that it does work well with

Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 09:45

We are happy 99% of the time. It's just I think we may want different things, my partner denies this. We are in a same sex relationship, she rarely does the sweet things that she did at the start of our relationship. Sex...well it just feels like she's getting the job done, it's not very passionate. I don't know. I'm confused right now. The weekend has proven that she has little respect for my feelings. Made a joke out of a time when we argued and she broke up with me. Then apologised for making me cry and was very sweet. Then when she stopped fussing over me she said "happy now"? wtf.

She speaks without thinking and hurts me in the process. She thinks that being sweet for an hour will make everything better.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 09:48

If you don't feel loved then the chances are you are not loved. Happy 99% of the time does not compensate for the 1% that makes you miserable and insecure.

ScottishPies · 13/01/2014 09:51

Hi schoolyard - you have taken the words right out of my mouth. I'm in exactly the same position. I struggling to find the strength i need. I've started counselling to see if that will help and i'm talking to my friends about it. But i can see the heartbreak ahead and at this moment in time (lots of other things happening in my life) i don't feel able to cope with the pain.

Have you been able to talk to anyone in rl about it. People can be incredibly supportive and may give you a different slant on how to cope.

You are not alone and don't have to go through this by yourself, mn is hear to hold yourhand. x

Have you been able to talk

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 10:12

"She speaks without thinking and hurts me in the process"

Or... she hurts you on purpose and gets a perverse pleasure from keeping you on a string. 'Happy now?' speaks volumens

Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 10:13

Thanks everyone.

Cogito I think you are right, I just don't feel loved as much as I should. It's like she is not giving me all of her heart, something is missing.

I almost feel like she is just being in this relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I just don't know. I am going through some personal problems at the moment so am worried this is influencing how I feel.

I'm just scared as the last time we argued I didn't eat for 5 days and it really affected me. I just don't think I'm strong enough to be strong and assertive.

I usually just go along with things and wait for them to finish with me.

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Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 10:15

*"She speaks without thinking and hurts me in the process"

Or... she hurts you on purpose and gets a perverse pleasure from keeping you on a string. hmm 'Happy now?' speaks volumens*

I'd really like to think this isn't true. She isn't a nasty person by all means. She told me at the start of our relationship that her "not knowing when to stop" in regards to banter has cost her relationships in the past. She only ever gets her arse in gear about us when I am serious with her and about us.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 10:22

Nasty. Cruel. What's in a name? By telling you at the outset that she was offensive and goes too far, she set you up I'm afraid. If you break it off she'll say 'you knew what I was like'... 'it's just the way I am'. It's not banter when it hurts you so much that you can't eat for five days. It's bullying. It's also classic bullying to shape up when it looks like the game's up.... wait for the dust to settle and go back to old tricks

Believe me, you'll feel far stronger if you are assertive than if you carry on being passive & waiting to be dumped.

Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 10:23

Do you really think this is bullying behaviour? She seems so grounded and kind usually.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 10:32

From the brief description you've given I can't say for sure that it's bullying behaviour but it certainly isn't loving behaviour. It's a very one-sided arrangements where she thinks it's OK to hurt your feelings with this 'banter' and all it will take is an insincere apology for you to be pathetically grateful to still be with her. She has you on a string and I think that's a very cruel way to behave to anyone.

Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 10:38

It's like. we see each other most weekends but it's usually me who has to ask her to do something. Same in the week. Most of the time when I ask she is busy "sorting clothes" or whatever.

When she talks about previous relationships, she moved in with them really quickly and stuff, seems like genuine love.

When we first got together she would tell me how amazing these feelings were and how she has never felt like this before.

Now, I don't know. She usually emails me every morning but after a strained weekend she hasn't.

I told her it wasn't a good idea seeing her this weekend because she has been feeling grumpy and we always fall out when she is moody. Sorry for rambling, just a bit confused at the moment.

Basically it is ALWAYS me doing the chasing, suggesting she come over etc etc. I'm quite sick of it now.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 10:41

So cut the string. Do other things. Be with other people. I doubt she'd be all that bothered if you said you'd had enough.

Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 14:17

We have been invited to my best friends wedding which she knew about since last year and has now informed me that her colleague (only 2 of them in the office) has booked that day off so she can't go.

When I told her about the invite she was panicking about what to wear etc and moaning she would have to take a full day off just for a one hour ceremony. Says it all really

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 14:20

Do you think you're being not-so-subtly dumped? If so, best to jump before you're pushed. She sounds very self-centred.

Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 14:24

I don't know, I don't think so, in the past she has always told exes when it is not working. And she did end things before (long story).

I'm getting angry with it now. She said she is disappointed that she is unable to come as it would have been a "nice couply thing to do". It almost feels like she's trying to tell me what I want to hear.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 14:36

The whole thing sounds like you've been kept going with 'carrots' of what you want to hear. That's why 'happy now?' was so revealing. She says things to keep you happy for a while... not because she really means it. We've all been in those relationships.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 14:38

BTW... 'angry' is actually quite a good thing. Not in a plate-smashing, breast-beating kind of way but, if you can locate a chunk of furious indignation inside you, it'll make that period of being upset she's gone a lot, lot shorter.

Her loss right?

Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 14:39

You've hit the nail right on the head

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Pukkapik · 13/01/2014 15:30

If you are not getting the love and support you need from a relationship, you have to question it. But, it doesn't sound as if you feel strong enough in yourself yet to call time on your partner.

I think you need to spend more time with other friends who are not her to improve your self confidence and self esteem, and then you will be stronger to be able to break off with her.
It sounds as if you have lost a lot of your sense of fun and well being and this relationship is sucking that out of you.
Ultimately a damaging relationship is harder on your well being than no relationship.

Original poster

SchoolyardShizz · 13/01/2014 15:35

I don't think she is sucking the life out of me at all. I don't know, it's so hard to explain. She has just said that she is 100% in this relationship and her reasons for being down are various (all of which I know are true and completely understand) yet she said she does not want to talk about it and wants to carry on as usual. So what am I supposed to do? We both think it isn't a good idea for us both to be around each other when she is like this (very bad pmt, missed 3 periods - this is normal).

This isn't the only issue, I've not addressed the contents of my original post yet but can't see her as she feels im being cruel by asking for a chat in a few days as she thinks I am going to end things. arghhh

That probably doesnt make sense

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SolidGoldBrass · 13/01/2014 15:54

This relationship is not working, so take a deep breath, end it and walk away. You will feel sad, but you won't die of it. And you might find some sort of counselling useful before you date anyone else, jsut to remind you that a) it's not compusloory to have a partner and being single is much, much nicer than being in an unsatisfactory relationship and b) if a person tells you who s/he is, listen. YOur GF told you she was a cow with a track record of hurting feelings - and no interest in trying to be more tactful and less nasty. Now she's proved it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 16:31

Doesn't want to talk, placates you with platitudes, blames PMT, blows hot and cold, 'happy now?' .... you're being led a merry dance and suddenly you're the one that's cruel?

Another tick on the 'am I being bullied' score-card is when the bully accuses their victim of the behaviour they themselves are displaying. If she thinks you're going to end things, don't disappoint her.

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