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Original poster

Where has h's wages gone??

105 replies

Longdistance · 12/01/2014 09:56

There's a huge back story to my h, and the way he treats me, but I'll be as short as I can.

We started off with seperate bank accounts when we moved in together, and got married. This seemed fine at the time, as I earned only slightly less than h, and paid bills equally, though I paid for my car finance. In total we used to take home just over 5k month between us.

Our mortgage is small, due to me selling my house when the prices rocketed in 2007. So it's not a big thing in our budget.

Cue 2009 when dd1 was born, and I was on smp, so not taking home loads, then had dd2 in 2011. Still seperate accounts, and had to ask him to take over paying for some things.

During dd2's pg, h was offered an opportunity to work in Oz. I really didn't want to go. I have my family, and friends here. Basically, all my support network. I had my lovely job, that I had been doing for about 14 years and a vision of retiring with the company, I was that happy there.

Cue, to much blackmailing about Oz being better for the dc, we'd be better off, nicer lifestyle. Me saying, no I'm happy in the Uk. He laid on lots of pressure, and bullied me til I agreed to move Angry

So, we lived there for two years, until h got made redundant, and we had to move back as we were on a temporary visa thank god in this time, I quit my job under duress :( and I was homesick. I had zero support in my homesickness from h. It was basically 'get over it' attitude from him.

So, we get back to the Uk, and dh is getting interviews here and there. He's trying to pick his work as in how much it pays? And what the package is. He gets a new job, gets his first wage, and puts £700 into our joint account. He got paid £4k Confused this was on the 17th. To now, he's saying we don't have the any money.

Now, I'd understand it, if we spent it on Xmas, but I bought all the gifts for everyone and food on the credit card as we didn't know when he'd get paid. He hasn't given me a penny towards thus cc, as I've used some of the £700 he gave me.

So my Sherlock friends...where has this money disappeared to?

Sorry, that was the short version Blush

OP posts:
lougle · 13/01/2014 10:55

Poor you. I agree that you need to find out what's going on very, very, fast.

ThePost · 13/01/2014 10:59

If he's squirrelling money away somewhere and investigating a move abroad, you need to get on top of the financials ASAP.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 13/01/2014 11:03

I agree. I think he's likely planning to go there with or without you.

I'd be taking the kids passports and giving them to someone to look after.

I'd also start gathering as much info as you can about what is yours, making sure your paperwork is all there and clear and making some plans of your own!

If there are any assets in your name or that you can secure, do so.

Hopefully you won't need all this but it's better to do it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/01/2014 11:09

He treats you like shit.

He has no respect for you as a person and he's stealing money from you.

Don't go to counselling with him, see a lawyer and put this horrible relationship to an end.

PrimalLass · 13/01/2014 11:25

I think you said previously that he gave you a pittance in Australia too. Do you think he could have someone else out there? Or be trying to go back to avoid debts here?

bubblebabeuk · 13/01/2014 11:29

I think he is saving to go back to oz without you, thus getting out of paying any maintenance. What a wanker.

PrimalLass · 13/01/2014 11:30

Don't gear up for another fight, use the energy to try and access email, bank details etc. Or look for paperwork.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/01/2014 11:37

Get some legal advice and fast - you need to throw this man out and make sure he can't steal any more money from you. Don't waste time on counselling - there is no point trying to salvage a relationship with a selfish, bullying thief. And he is stealing money from you.

wetaugust · 13/01/2014 12:12

There's a huge amount of unaccounted for money at stake in this. A lot of this money belongs to you.

He must has a purpose for hiding it away.

The purpose would seem to be to return to Oz alone and become a permamnent resident.

Your marriage is over.

You're about to lose your financial security if he take the money with him and you have to try to fight him in the courts half way around the world.

You're living with a thief.

For goodness sake see a solicitor immediately to protect yourself and your children.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 13/01/2014 12:28

don't you have to have a certain amount of money in the bank to apply for Australian permanent residency ?

There's your answer.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 13/01/2014 13:29

I am sorry. He is lining up his ducks for this next move.

He is not open about finances, overseas plans for the future. He is no longer thinking of you as a team.

Sorry. If you were my friend, I would recommend you ring fence your assets over here, for you and your DCs' sake, and line up your own ducks before going into counselling. Counselling take a long time and works only if both partners want it to work. Not likely if one is already mentally out.

Custardo · 13/01/2014 13:33

so what did he spend the mney on? did you ask?

TheNightIsDark · 13/01/2014 13:39

Was this the 'd'h who was having an affair in Oz and you had no support, money etc?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/01/2014 13:43

"I think he is saving to go back to oz without you, thus getting out of paying any maintenance."

AFAIK the Australians are pretty good about forcing people living there to pay maintenance, so he might be in for a rude wake-up call there.

Original poster
Longdistance · 13/01/2014 13:45

Just to clarify a few things.

The pr forms were filled in in July, when we were there. They are stored in the office cabinet drawers and I found them yesterday. I specifically asked him several times when we were out there, did he want to stay, and I would head back with dd's. He said he wasn't going anywhere without us.

The money he got for redundancy is in an unknown account. I asked him what he was going to do with it, he said buy some shares Angry which then made me mad, as he knows how I feel about it as I believe it's like gambling. NB previous loses of £800, £1,500, and I think more, but I can't be sure as I don't have any information.

We are currently submitting plans to extend our house to the side. So think he's stashed the money for that.

I just don't like the secrecy of it all. It's all underhand.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/01/2014 13:48

He's hiding his money is secret accounts.

You don't need to know anything else to know that your marriage is over.

Go and see a lawyer about what you can do to force him to pony up what he owes you.

ashamedoverthinker · 13/01/2014 13:49

I cant believe you still dont know...

TheNightIsDark · 13/01/2014 13:49

I think that you have your head in the sand right now. If the money is for the extension then surely he would just tell you that?

If you are who I think you are then he was a twat then and he's a twat now. Please get some legal advice before he fucks off and leaves you and the DCs penniless.

Original poster
Longdistance · 13/01/2014 13:50

I think some of you are getting me confused with the long suffering Mosman who's h was having affairs.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate that in my marriage, but so far I've tolerated a lot of shit of this selfish individual. I have sent him an email to his personal account, not his work one, for him to read and digest. If he doesn't act upon it, my last parting words were that 'we'd have to call it a day'.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2014 13:53

"I certainly wouldn't tolerate that in my marriage, but so far I've tolerated a lot of shit of this selfish individual"

Why?

Original poster
Longdistance · 13/01/2014 13:54

Attila, I have no answer for that one Confused

OP posts:
clam · 13/01/2014 14:02

Leaving the money issue to one side for a moment, it must be very difficult to reconcile two totally opposing opinions re: which side of the planet to live. As much as you were miserable over there and were desperate to come home, he is presumably miserable here (and this lovely weather can't be helping, not that I would say the reported 43 degree temps over there currently is a draw!) and is desperate to get back there.
But if, as you say, there are many other issues and a likelihood of splitting up, then maybe he can head off and suit himself. Pretty poor show as a dad of two kids living over here though. Sad

bakingaddict · 13/01/2014 14:08

My BF lived with a guy for 4 years who had bought a flat without her knowing because he wanted out of the relationship. He had the removal van lined up for a Saturday when he knew she would be out all day and was hoping to just go. The cowardly fucker was only rumbled because the solicitors accidently sent correspondence to their flat instead of his work address.

Sounds like he is investing in a major life change that doesnt include you

Original poster
Longdistance · 13/01/2014 14:13

clam that's the thing. He hates the heat, as he becomes, what he calls a sweaty monster. He doesn't mind this muddy weather, it means he can play decent rugby in it.

He used to walk through the thick snow to get to the train station/drive to work. He's like me, and doesn't care for the weather.

Although, he is partial to barbecuing and beer. He out did himself there, as it was expensive to drink, and go out to the pub. There was no pub culture.

Tbh, I think he cannot admit to himself it was a shit idea and he was wrong.

OP posts:
AwfulMaureen · 13/01/2014 14:16

I wonder if he's lent it to someone?