Where has h's wages gone??

[Longdistance]

There's a huge back story to my h, and the way he treats me, but I'll be as short as I can.

We started off with seperate bank accounts when we moved in together, and got married. This seemed fine at the time, as I earned only slightly less than h, and paid bills equally, though I paid for my car finance. In total we used to take home just over 5k month between us.

Our mortgage is small, due to me selling my house when the prices rocketed in 2007. So it's not a big thing in our budget.

Cue 2009 when dd1 was born, and I was on smp, so not taking home loads, then had dd2 in 2011. Still seperate accounts, and had to ask him to take over paying for some things.

During dd2's pg, h was offered an opportunity to work in Oz. I really didn't want to go. I have my family, and friends here. Basically, all my support network. I had my lovely job, that I had been doing for about 14 years and a vision of retiring with the company, I was that happy there.

Cue, to much blackmailing about Oz being better for the dc, we'd be better off, nicer lifestyle. Me saying, no I'm happy in the Uk. He laid on lots of pressure, and bullied me til I agreed to move

So, we lived there for two years, until h got made redundant, and we had to move back as we were on a temporary visa thank god in this time, I quit my job under duress :( and I was homesick. I had zero support in my homesickness from h. It was basically 'get over it' attitude from him.

So, we get back to the Uk, and dh is getting interviews here and there. He's trying to pick his work as in how much it pays? And what the package is. He gets a new job, gets his first wage, and puts £700 into our joint account. He got paid £4k this was on the 17th. To now, he's saying we don't have the any money.

Now, I'd understand it, if we spent it on Xmas, but I bought all the gifts for everyone and food on the credit card as we didn't know when he'd get paid. He hasn't given me a penny towards thus cc, as I've used some of the £700 he gave me.

So my Sherlock friends...where has this money disappeared to?

Sorry, that was the short version

YOU haven't been GIVEN anything. He put it in your and his shared account, where he should have put the rest, or at least everything after the mortgage and council tax.

He's moved the goalposts..... This is how it's going to be from now in, he gives you £700 'housekeeping'

Sounds like he's saving up for something or re paying. It indicates a lifestyle change to me, and op, I don't think it includes you

I'm just about to go in the loft and get his bags.

Think it's time he left.

Op for Christ sake get off mumsnet and go and find out where the money has gone.

Talking to strangers and asking where has it gone is not helpful to you.

If you need help and support because he had spent the money then it's a place to start from.

Do some digging.

Its does not matter where it went he is fucking u up. Don't sleepwalk through this anymore take action.

I think it might be worth trying to salvage some of the finances before you kick him out.

If he's got loads stashed away, you are never going to see it.

Ask to see all statements first. If he won't co-operate then tell him to leave.

Yes its time to dig. I take the getting the bags means he won't tell you.

Surely you've asked him? What does he say?

Before you get his bags out, make him transfer money over to the joint account so there is enough money in there to cover bills and expenditure for the next couple of months. and to pay off the credit cards for Xmas etc.

Also say, nicely (to start with), that now Xmas is over, he's been paid, it's time to sit down together and sort out the family finances, make sure that all the profit from renting your house out is in sensible savings, that you've got your isa's etc up to date, and, most importantly, work out where all the money has gone if he is saying that there is no money if he has been paid and there should be redundancy and spare rent left over. There are some good budget planning spreadsheets on the money saving expert site.

You both need to get all bills and bank statements out so you can do it jointly. Don't let him go through yours and then not show his - you need to get to see where all the money has come in and where it has gone out to. Is there something silly like he paid for flights and hasn't claimed them back from his old employer (grasping at straws!) or that there was a £750 shortfall rather than excess from your renting out the house?

And basically - get your answers and the money (family money, not his money!) - before you decide what to do.

sorry but I would be going for the bags too. shits like this will never transfer you enough to live off and you'll spend a life time tracking down the money

Right. Before you get the bags, you need time to get copies of bank statements, cc bills and payments. Sounds like he may well have a seperate account where he has been stashing money. You need time to go through statements and follow the money, if you have not done so already. This might mean keeping quiet for a few days so you can do the digging while he's at work.

If the OP could get copies of the bank statements, CC bills etc they wouldn't be asking where the money had gone in the first place

He has stitched you up over the years by the sound of it, there is no time to lose now, hope you are able to get to the bottom of this.

It's gone to where ever his has put all the money he has stolen from you as a family. You know he has taken family money to invest in accounts only he has access to.

You need a accountant who can investigate where all the money has gone.

One constructive thing you could do, of course, is to run a credit check report for your address. Experian, someone like that. On the report it won't show you any bank balances but it would show up if there are any loans, CCs, HP agreements and defaults that you're unaware of

Where does he keep all his bank statements ? Can you not find them ?

You're a family now so should be family money - I'd be furious

It is very common to not have paper statements any more. I do all my banking on line now.

Actually a credit check is a good idea.. A one off 20 quid fee so you don't have to sign up is all we do once a year or so.

I would also wait before getting the bags .. Try to find out more info , online accounts , passwords etc then when you have more info then ask for explanations etc. If he is in a new job then surely he can't have the paperwork from other/ his accounts in the office?

Do you have large mortgage?. What do you spend the £700 on groceries kid's things etc.
My husband pays all household mortgage bills ect and earns between 3,700 - 4,200. If it's a tight month he will give me £1000 if the other end at least £1400.

I would spend this on food and all things the kid's need. If he gave me £700 I would look through his bank account and see where the money had gone - no way would I except this.

Has he been living in an overdraft whilst looking for a job? That could have swallowed up his salary.Do you have a monthly budget? Start with that as a discussion point.

When he says 'we don't have any money', he means 'we don't have any money because I've got it all. I earned it. It's mine. Here you can have a few squid but make sure you're grateful and don't ask for any more because that is all I think you should be allowed to control!'

I'd be very careful about getting a credit check.

You could credit check yourself, but I'm fairly sure it is illegal for an individual to check another individual without their express permission.

Checking the house doesn't exist - loans etc are against a person, not an address, and houses do not have credit files. It's an old urban myth.

When my friend ran a credit check (for herself, naturally) the information that came back included loans her DH had taken out. They don't even share a surname so I don't really buy the 'urban myth' thing, sorry.

Has he lent some money without discussing it first to your PILs, any major outgoings (treats, building work, private health care, landmark birthday/anniversary) they faced lately?