Where has h's wages gone??

[Longdistance]

There's a huge back story to my h, and the way he treats me, but I'll be as short as I can.

We started off with seperate bank accounts when we moved in together, and got married. This seemed fine at the time, as I earned only slightly less than h, and paid bills equally, though I paid for my car finance. In total we used to take home just over 5k month between us.

Our mortgage is small, due to me selling my house when the prices rocketed in 2007. So it's not a big thing in our budget.

Cue 2009 when dd1 was born, and I was on smp, so not taking home loads, then had dd2 in 2011. Still seperate accounts, and had to ask him to take over paying for some things.

During dd2's pg, h was offered an opportunity to work in Oz. I really didn't want to go. I have my family, and friends here. Basically, all my support network. I had my lovely job, that I had been doing for about 14 years and a vision of retiring with the company, I was that happy there.

Cue, to much blackmailing about Oz being better for the dc, we'd be better off, nicer lifestyle. Me saying, no I'm happy in the Uk. He laid on lots of pressure, and bullied me til I agreed to move

So, we lived there for two years, until h got made redundant, and we had to move back as we were on a temporary visa thank god in this time, I quit my job under duress :( and I was homesick. I had zero support in my homesickness from h. It was basically 'get over it' attitude from him.

So, we get back to the Uk, and dh is getting interviews here and there. He's trying to pick his work as in how much it pays? And what the package is. He gets a new job, gets his first wage, and puts £700 into our joint account. He got paid £4k this was on the 17th. To now, he's saying we don't have the any money.

Now, I'd understand it, if we spent it on Xmas, but I bought all the gifts for everyone and food on the credit card as we didn't know when he'd get paid. He hasn't given me a penny towards thus cc, as I've used some of the £700 he gave me.

So my Sherlock friends...where has this money disappeared to?

Sorry, that was the short version

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Well, I was going to say that my guess would be that although he was paid £4,300 - his account was already way, way overdrawn due to his period out of work, relocation etc. etc. and that £700 was all that was left.

But then you posted that he received a $50k redundancy settlement and that you were also receiving a rental income whilst you were abroad.

So now I am confused .

Does he have other DCs? Could it be a back payment to the CSA for example?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Also, quite apart from the money issue, he sounds like a bit if a twunt with regards to you and your feelings.

[clam]

Have you posted about this before? The rental income bit rings a bell.

[Longdistance]

Yes clam I have posted about this before.

We only have about £30k left on our mortgage of a house that's worth about £280k, so not long before it's paid off. This is due to me selling me house as I mentioned previously.

My pil don't need money, they are divorced from each other. Fil is very comfortable, and still works, has money to lend all the time to his dc, he bought sil a brand car last year, but she has to pay him back. Mil is remarried and is well off too with her new dh. So no it won't be for them.

As far as I know he doesn't have any other dc. If he's lied to me about that, he really would be out on his arse.

I've only got as far as he's gone into his overdraft with not working, but still don't know how much he has left from his redundancy.

I haven't grilled him yet, as I don't think I'd be able to keep my cool. My dd's are here, and I never shout or argue in front of them. They'll need to go to bed for me to confront him.

Just some more info about him. Dd1 was in hossy the other day, and needed to be put under GA. My bf of 30 odd years came with me. H was the very last person to call to see how I/ we were doing. My bf was not impressed at all. She also commented as to why he didn't even say 'love you' on the phone. Not that I'm a 'love you' type of person, but some sort of reassurance would have been nice.

Anyway, if I don't report back later I've buried the bastard under the patio I'll be working things out, but defo be back in the morning to update. Just really don't want to explode in front of dd's.

[paperlantern]

biological daddies that are not around I mean

[paperlantern]

wrong thread sorry!

[BillyBanter]

I'd find out as much as possible about his/your finances before asking him anything. Take copies of stuff too if you get the chance. Or even the originals.

[paperlantern]

if you do leave him note down his passport number and national insurance number. don't need the originals just the number.

[bubblebabeuk]

Definately do your research before you throw him out. In all likely hood any relevent documents will leave with him ....

[themaltesefalcon]

Sorry, OP, but was it you who was absolutely miserable in Oz because he was out acting like a single man, flirting with other women, while you were struggling at home with the little ones?

And now he is 'allowing' you less than a sixth of the family money? He is stealing from you and your children.

Arsehole. Enough is enough.

[Routergirl]

Cogito there is a section on the credit report on linked addresses so it can show other people who share your address. I didn't realise it also shows their loans etc but it might well do...my husband appears on mine but he has no credit history at all so just his name appears.

[rookiemater]

Did you post when you were in Oz and you were worried about leaving in case you couldn't keep the DCs? If so then you're in a much better place now - the UK yay.

Do you trust him enough to want him to stay? I wouldn't if DH did this, and that's without any negative back history.

[Thatballwasin]

You also need to see what's going on to find out what your tax position is. Receiving rental income £750 excess of mortgage, unless there are reasons I'm not aware of due to working abroad, you'll be expected to pay tax on that (more if mortgage is not interest only). If he is not being open and honest about finances, how on earth can you do that?

[MeMySonAndI]

I'm a bit surprised nobody has mentioned this possibility yet... Have you considered that he is stashing the money to leave? You have pointed out a lot of factors that may make him think you are pulling him down, while you are unhappy (rightly) with having to put your needs behind his career.

He doesn't seem to be a team player and has continued to act as a single man while you were busy with young children. This doesn't look good at all.

I don't think you are going to find the answer to where the money has gone, but I would suggest you to increase your income and stash some away and do not agree to ANYTHING that may leave you in any financial disadvantage or without a support network.

And remember that the fact that he is the main earner doesn't mean that you are contributing less to the relationship. Taking care of the house and the children requires the same or more effort to put a tie on and go to work, I know that when I had a small child my most relaxing day of the week was when I was at the office from 9 to 6.

[Fairenuff]

It has been mentioned before. Also, OP said he bought lots of shares, so maybe he has gambled it away. That's why she needs to see some statements.

[Longdistance]

Well, that went well

I'm the one to make changes apparently. Because I'm the one that's not happy. He said he doesn't know which dw he gets when he phones/comes home. Yeah, that'll be the dw you bullied tosser he made no mention of making changes himself. It's all on me.

I mentioned counseling and he agreed. Again, he kept interrupting me, and tried not to let me finish what I'm saying. I said I didn't like the way he treated me, as sitting at the table reading his paper/using his iPad at the dinner table was beyond rude. Not phoning me on his way home, or during the day was also disrespectful.

We talked about me waking up grumpy in the morning. Well, if he bothered to do night wakings, he'd be a grumpy fucker too. Dd2 is waking at as she's toilet trained now, but wakes for the toilet.

I found paperwork in the office which was an application for permananet residency in Oz, which I specifically said no to, several times. Again, bully boy tactics at work there

I'm back to nowhere really, as what I wanted was answers, not deflection.

I think Round 2 is on the cards tonight. Oh what fun!

[Fairenuff]

I don't understand why you are talking about all this with him when what you really need to ask him about is the money. Did you ask him if you could see statements or anything like that?

[invicta]

A friend of mine is applying for residency in Australia with his Australian girlfriend. I was amazed how much it costs - several thousands of pounds. Is he secretly applying to move back to Australia, with or without you? Good luck for round two.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He said he never knows which DW he gets when he phones/comes home - I know it's an expression so I hope he's not mentally detaching and planning a one way ticket to Australia. He tells you he's picking out possible jobs to apply for but which hemisphere are they in? He'll probably still be nodding at your suggestion of counselling whilst dusting off his board shorts.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Round 2 will likely go as badly as the first round.

Joint counselling will be a complete and utter waste of time. Why do you think that counselling will solve anything given his overtly secretive and horrid nature towards you in the first place?.

Why are you together at all now?. What is in this relationship for you?.

What are you both teaching your kids about relationships here?. Two words suffice; damaging lessons.

[3littlefrogs]

It appears he is planning to go back to Australia.
I think you need to do everything possible to find out the state of his finances and get legal advice.
Sorry, but he doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities.

[clam]

Why did you let him de-rail the conversation over to you being grumpy in the mornings? I thought you were going to ask him where all your (family) money had gone?
Although I'm wondering if you perhaps ought to keep your powder dry on that one until you've found some paper evidence and hidden it.

[ScottishPies]

This sounds like a very complicated sotuation, and the money is only yhe tip of the iceburg.

Reading between the lines it feels that your relationship is struggling on many levels.

This, combined with the residency application, unfortunately leads me to think the worse. He's detatched himself from you and your feelings and is thinking totally about what he wants.

How was the relationship when you were in Oz? If it was strong great and i'm probably barking up the wrong tree. If it deteriorated and became v difficult, i'm afraid i'd think about a possible emotional affair. And this could be one of the reasons he wants to go back.

[OneHandFlapping]

Is he squirrelling money away to return to Oz alone? I imagine it will be much harder to get your share if he does. You need to get your skates on.

[YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE]

i think you need to definately access statements.
have you noticed any unusual behaviour apart from this, e.g. later evenings at work 'popping out' for a long period at the weekend without saying where.
as he has been secretive you have no other choice then to do some snooping that is a lot of money to be paid and only you having £700.