is this normal? bedroom stuff.

[wonderingquietly]

I've name changed for this, but am a regular poster.

Quite embarrassing, but I am wondering what's normal when it comes to how long a man lasts in bed.

I was married for a long time, and my ex husband lasted for an hour minimum, usually more like 90 minutes. This was whether it was penetration or other stuff.

My latest partner, well penetration has never lasted more than five minutes. I'm not timing him, obviously, but it feels very quick. He gets an erection easily so I don't think that is the problem, and he always works on me first for a long, long time before penetration. However, I can't orgasm without penetration so that is important to me.

He is touchy when I mention is; he says no me has ever complained before and that he has always given previous partners multiple orgasms, saying if he gets them to orgasm once before penetration, then they always come again during actual sex.

Is this normal? I know its relative but but would this feel like premature ejaculaton/some sort of problem if a man couldn't go longer than five minutes of penetratiin, or was I just spoiled by my ex? Lol.

[wonderingquietly]

Sorry I was in bed by the time you all replied, haha.

Orgasms don't actually matter to me. I enjoy his orgasm more than mine, which sounds weird but hey.

He is the one who keeps saying "I'd love you to orgasm for me" but then rubs me far too low, if I guide his hand to where its meant to be it migrates again in a few seconds, and if I do it myself he carries on messing about with whatever part of me he thinks he's rubbing! Lol sorry if that's a bit tmi!

He was married as well years back, and I remember him saying that she wasn't interested in sex and just went through thr motions; harshly I remember wondering if that was because he was the same with her as he is with me.and she gave up :(

Jaffa - yes my marriage was my first, and I know there are those takes of men reciting times tables etc but I wasn't sure if that was an old wives tale or actually worked. I know with me, I can feel a bit of pleasure but nothing amazing for ages, then suddenly it'll kick in andalmost be overpowering and by then, I'm right at the point of orgasm. Maybe its the same for some men?

[wonderingquietly]

Sorry I was in bed by the time you all replied, haha.

Orgasms don't actually matter to me. I enjoy his orgasm more than mine, which sounds weird but hey.

He is the one who keeps saying "I'd love you to orgasm for me" but then rubs me far too low, if I guide his hand to where its meant to be it migrates again in a few seconds, and if I do it myself he carries on messing about with whatever part of me he thinks he's rubbing! Lol sorry if that's a bit tmi!

He was married as well years back, and I remember him saying that she wasn't interested in sex and just went through thr motions; harshly I remember wondering if that was because he was the same with her as he is with me.and she gave up :(

Jaffa - yes my marriage was my first, and I know there are those takes of men reciting times tables etc but I wasn't sure if that was an old wives tale or actually worked. I know with me, I can feel a bit of pleasure but nothing amazing for ages, then suddenly it'll kick in andalmost be overpowering and by then, I'm right at the point of orgasm. Maybe its the same for some men?

[Madamecastafiore]

Gawd, I'd have to stop for a cuppa and a if DH lasted 90 minutes!

Didn't you get bored or start thinking about chores that needed doing?

[Jaffacakesallround]

75% of women do not orgasm via penetration- oodles of research into this to that effect. Me included- so 5-10 minutes is fine- it doesn't do that much for me TBH and nor does it for most of my friends.

I resent the inferences that my DH either doesn't know what to do, or can't be bothered to try to please me. Neither is correct.

I do think it's missing the point of sex to insist on an orgasm every single time. I have them rarely- that's me- but I still enjoy sex.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

"I'd love you to orgasm for me"



You aren't a fucking puppet.

[Jaffacakesallround]

maybe draw him a little diagram of where he is supposed to rub you? Or better still, keep moving his migrating hand back to the right spot until he learns? Bit unsettling that his first wife didn't like sex either.

[need2move]

My dh cums pretty quick but we have a hell of a lot of foreplay to get us fired up before hand and we bothneed the release.

The 5 mins thing souns pretty reasonable
He has on occasion lasted longer and as someone has mentioned it gets pretty sore and tedious.

[annieorangutan]

Jaffa its very easy to orgasm through penetration with clit play as well. I dont see how wanting an orgasm every time is missing the point of sex. I very much doubt your dh thinks that way.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

Have been looking this up.

Big study suggested under three minutes too short, 3-7 normal and satisfying, 10-30 considered "too long". But also showed that the majority of women need more than penetration to achieve climax.

So OP and her OH may be more incompatible rather than either or both being unusual.

[Allergictoironing]

"if I guide his hand to where its meant to be it migrates again in a few seconds, and if I do it myself he carries on messing about with whatever part of me he thinks he's rubbing! "

You'll have to actually tell him at the time "look - HERE" and keep repeating every time he drifts down. Maybe (if you aren't both too shy for this) get him to watch you DIY.

[nickymanchester]

if I guide his hand to where its meant to be it migrates again in a few seconds, and if I do it myself he carries on messing about with whatever part of me he thinks he's rubbing!

There's a book called ''She Comes First'' you can either buy it online or download it free/cheaply as a pdf. This is all about oral. It starts off a bit waffly but there are some very good suggestions there.

More importantly, there are some very good diagrams that show in a lot of detail exactly what is where.

This might kill two birds with one stone.

[piratecat]

what does he think he is rubbing, if you keep placing his hand in the right postition, then it moves own again.

how frustrating. you can't just 'hurry up' op !!

There is serious miscommunication going on here, that alone would make me want to not bother.

That's prob what has happened with his ex's, they've given up and faked it.
If you truly think he's worth it, then he does need to listen to you. How would he like it.

[AllFallDown]

To be honest, it doesn't sound like either of you are that great for each other in bed. He doesn't listen to what you want, but you tell him he doesn't last long enough … Neither approach sounds enormously sensitive.

By the way, didn't your previous partner get a bit bored thrusting away for 90 mins? Were you usually watching TV at the time?

[nickymanchester]

lookatmybutt

this is from someone who managed to break their bits with a Hitachi Magic Wand

They're mains powered and I strongly recommend against using them 4 times in 1 day

OMG

To be frank, I've never managed to scroll the wheel to full power. I'm sure that if I did then I would end up with broken bits as well.

But, so as not to derail the thread, OP I know that you said that your dp is rather prudish and also that you are not so concerned about having an orgasm. However, if you do have a, how can I put it, ''reliable'' toy that you know always does the trick then it might be worthwhile trying to introduce it into foreplay or after he has finished.

Using it during foreplay as it will - presumably - be something he hasn't used before might also give you the opportunity to show him where he should actually be concentrating.

Also as, I think it was, annie said above using your fingers on your clit while he is thrusting away can make a big difference as well.

But I can understand that not everybody is comfortable with doing that. Also, if he is only lasting for 10 strokes anyway even that won't really make much of a difference.

[fifi669]

90 minutes would bore the crap out of me! I much prefer a 5 minute PIV session. DP, amongst other teething issues, needed directions to find my clit. I said nothing to start with but eventually thought I'm not doing anyone any favours so then guided him with my hands or words and voila! Perfect positioning now :)

DP likes to make sure I'm satisfied first prob about 50% of the time. Usually involving digital penetration and clit action. Maybe some dirty talk and poss a cheeky finger elsewhere The rest of the time it's every man for himself and trying to avoid the wet patch :)

[tiamariaxxx]

What is normal though?? I would say on avereage mine lasts 5-15 mins if im on top he seems to last longer or if we do loads of changes of positions...

90 mins is just crazy i think id fall asleep.

[annieorangutan]

I prefer bullets, rabbit clit bit or fingers to hitatchi wand. My hitachi wand came with an american plug on and the lead was too short for the position of the plugs in my place.

[nickymanchester]

My hitachi wand came with an american plug

Lovehoney sell them in the UK with a UK plug now

[DitsyDonkey]

Well for comparison, it usually takes my dh 15 to 20 mins fom penetration. We always do some foreplay....for ten minutes I guess.

I know everyone is different, but always five minutes is not normal, I think he has problems with premature ejaculation, plus I don't think that here are many women out there who would have multiple orgasms is five minutes.....your dp is deluded or a liar!

[Joysmum]

ditsy it's the opposite for me. Lots more foreplay and penetration to finish off.

OP,
There's no such thing as normal, there is however being honest with what turns you both on, being honest about what you don't like etc etc.

Sex isn't naturally good for many people, that's why we all need to train our partners as to what we want, and be eager to learn what they want too. That involves frank and honest communication and not letting things slide when it's not satisfactory.

[beachside]

How can a man not know where a clitoris is? or how to handle it correctly?

Simple; they don't have a clitoris of their own to play with, so turn the lights on and show them what works. :)

[TheCrumpetQueen]

10 thrusts? Fuck that.

[Thatisall]

Men can be so sensitive with these kinds of conversations though. Like being spot on in the bedroom defines them S a man. I'd rather know if there was something I could be doing differently to improve things for my partner but from my experiences and the one above heard from others, men often take suggestions/questions and criticism.

[JaceyBee]

When I have sex with my most regular guy it lasts for around 90 mins. This is from start to finish though, not just PIV. He does last longer than other guys though, I wonder if the fact that he is circumcised has anything to do with it as there is less friction iykwim. Also we don't get to see each other that often so we have to make sure it counts!

Honestly, I really would just let this one go if I were you OP. I don't think he's going to be able to give you the sex you want, either because he can't or won't bother to try. It depends how important sex is to you in a relationship, to me it is one of if not the most important thing and I wouldn't be wasting time with someone like this. If it is causing arguments and resentment now it's not gonna get any better IMO

[JingleMyBells]

90 mins of PIV Bloody hell, I would be quite bored by the end of that and wishing he would cum. about 20 mins is nice I reckon followed by lots of cuddles and chatting.