Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

sitting here with unbelievably my first glass of wine since the split. my parents don't drink and i didn;t want to make them uncomfortable while i was there! FW took ages to go tonight, and will be back tomorrow night before he goes to his folks. I can see that me and dd will be back at my parents on monday but at least it's a few days grace. thinking of talking to dd about what's happening and explaining it's how it will be . wise?
thanks for the supportive comments - i am feeling wobbly but i still know in my head that i am right.

Yes, I think explaining things to DD can only be a good thing. She'll probably only need a short conversation: just reassure her about the practicalities and that mummy and daddy both still love her and always will.

PS: You are doing very well!

can't believe i've done it and i am still doing it! very hard when he was here earlier, hard being in the house, just want it to go back to normal. but i know normal is wrong!!

Well done sus. You're doing great. Those early weeks in many ways are the hardest to stand strong as it all seems so overwhelming. But as you say - you are still doing it :)

agree with all the ladies . you are doing well. I found making a list which I carried around with me, as named on this thread as the 'shitlist'. it helped me to know why I was going and not trivialise it in my head as I was prone to thinking "that's not that bad" but it is not about isolated incidents it is about an on-going and seemingly endless feeling of losing at your own life with someone who loves you appearing to enjoy it when you are down and even kicking you when you are there.

sus you are very, very right. he didn't have to for these things.
Keep going..onwards and upwards.

i like the "shitlist"! I did write down a list of everything that has happened when i visited a solicitor last autumn, but i've hidden it so well i can't find it! Even stupid things like looking around this half finished house - which he said he would finish and refused to let me to get anyone in to do - but then did bugger all - winds me up. He was unemployed for a year and I still did all the cleaning on my day off. Got 3 decorators coming around today to give me quotes:-) .

I was a bit traumatised earlier as dd asked me when we would all live together again. I said that if mummy and daddy lived together then we argued, and i didn;t think that was nice for her to hear. I said we were a miserable and we would be better apart. She got very very upset about not living with her daddy and starting shouting at me that she would have her daddy at home all the time. I don't think it helps that I have no answers about where he will stay, and I rather suspect we'll be back at my parents next week. Not really sure how to handle it apart from be truthful. I might have been a bit too truthful though. arg. I'm going to have to tell FW to tell her it is ok, he keeps crying in front of her - for once in his life he's going to have to put someone elses feelings in front of his own. I just hope he sees he will have to rent, i can't bear to sell the house straight away and put dd through that as well as her dad moving out. I think she needs at least 6 months to get used to the separation before I move her out of the house which she is massively attached to.

I could never go back as my dad is stressed out of his brain, FW stayed with my brother last night - all my family are involved and having a horrible time as well as me. I couldn't possibly go back to him after this, and knowing it would so likely happen again - and put dd and all my family through it all over again.

sus you are very, very right. he didn't have to do these things.

sus you did well - you explained to DD in a simple yet honest way. And she trusts you enough to show her anger - that is good! Stay strong

Hi a?l, I have lurked for years but now I am desperate for some advice. So, basically I have been with partner for 7 years we have 2 great kids together. He has always been controlling and possesive, I didnt realise what was going on until about 3 years ago but now I have absolutely had enough and need to leave. The problem is I have nowhere to go! He has whittled away friends and close family. I had to give up work after ds was born as he wouldnt look after both children (I worked evenings and he would ring me every shift to come home). He has always made sure I have no money at all, deliberately not paying his share of the bills so that I then pay them-leaving nothing for DCs should they need anything. I asked him to leave last year but he came back saying that if I want to split up then I should go so I ended up staying, now I have taken a different approach and I have registered with the council for housing but I have no idea what to do next? Is private renting an option?(I just dont have any money) . I really just want to get out fast as possible and rebuild my life, I dont want the children to grow up with his behaviour. If anyone can give me any kind of advice id be very grateful, feel like im going crazy and I dont want to back out of my decision to leave.

Hi slowly welcome. sorry you are dealing with DA.

Have you contacted WA?
Do you have any friends you could go to. AFAIK if you become homeless due to DA as far as I know the council has to find you emergency accommodation BUT I would check that with CAB or WA first as I could be wrong it May have changed as last person i knew who did that was 20 yrs ago and emergency housing is as you would expect often not prime.

Well done for making the decision to leave

Oh and private renting, again ask CAB . there are organisations such as includem (sp?) who will pay your deposit as this would be the main hurdle. also check with council to see how long HB would take. some councils are very slow but if you find somewhere you can apply to ve preapproved for HB which speeds it up (or you could here last time i easier on HB but irritating was a while ago).

It may also ve worth speaking to your MP. i know that might sound like a bonkers idea but it is actually their job to help solve issues like this and a friend if mine was having trouble with HB being slow so his rent was going to be in arrears. he contacted MP and HB were sorted within days because there were government claims/targets in place for meeting claims.

And finally, (i know i go know a bit), please don't think you cannot go to WA. you can. this is abuse and they are there for this.

you're right Mink thats changed, the DA rule. sadly

fi really? That is sad. as you would think it would give you points on he housing list. it should. but then again these days which councils actually have any housing other than b n b.

It May still be with speaking to the housing dept to see if they can point you to charities who will help you into a housing association or private rental.

Wow, reading some of your stories is heartbreaking. I wish I could hug each and every one of you and tell you it's not your fault.

My DP is my second boyfriend and only the second person I have ever "been with" in any sense.

He's lovely, caring and very loyal most of the time. He is also very protective, kind and considerate.

He then gets drunk and starts verbally abusing me.

We broke up over Christmas because one of my band mates asked him how we were. I had mentioned an earlier break up to band mate a few days before. DP said unrepeatable things to be over text and was then incommunicado over Christmas when I was with my parents.

It totally destroyed me.

Then I came back and he really tried to put things right. He was visibly working hard to make things better. It was me who struggled to get over what had happened. I.e lots of crying and flashbacks to that horrible Christmas.

Then his DD came to live with us suddenly on New Year's Eve and is still here. She's lovely and we get on really well.

However, this has meant that DP and I have not been able to have much time alone to be able to repair ourselves or our relationship.

Then it blew up again last night. Unbeknownst to me, he has been organising a party for my birthday which is tomorrow. He messaged one of my best friends and she, having supported me through Christmas, let him have it with both barrels.

I was then subjected to shouting, name calling, my laptop being broken etc because I had been "disloyal" and betrayed him.

I now find myself wondering what I did wrong

I am 28/9 and he is 41 btw. His DD is 14

Thanks for your reply mink I will try CAB, it is hard to know where to go for advice. I have to do this and I cant let him find out till nearer the time as he threatened to take kids last time I tried to end the relationship. I need a clear plan this time. Thing is(as is often the case) he can be a great partner and father when he feels like it, its just the rest of the time thats a problem. DA really makes you feel trapped, I just want to feel free again. Is anyone else in my position?

grape sounds like you didn't do anything wrong, he did.
Shouting abuse, blowing hot and cold, dumping you then returning as if he is doing you a favour, expecting you to get over things immediately and breaking your things are all classic abuse tactics.
Splitting up with you over Christmas is also classic abuser behaviour.

Sadly this being the case it does not matter how hard you work on your rs you cannot change him. only he can change and he would have to really want to and he probably doesn't want to.

He is angry with you because in his eyes he is doing something lovely for you (in reality he us doing it to be selfish - you are obliged to forgive him, he gets to be the star bf and he can use it to guilt you and he is controlling your birthday, who comes what happens etc and if you say anything you are being ungrateful and a cow and he can have a go about it...so it is win win for him either he looks brilliant or you look bad.

However, because you told some one what happened over Christmas (quite right too why should you hide his bad behaviour) you have blown his little plan out of the water and in his eyes committed the cardinal sin of making him look bad. for many abusers it us all about appearances. they behave one way in public and another in private and expect you to keep it private.

So he is angry and he is blaming you. Because being an abuser he is quiteunable to take responsibility for his own behaviour.
He is quite likely now to try to make you feel very guilty and to try to push your friends away.

You are not to blame. you do not have to get over things when he tells you to. He is at fault for treating you badly (as your friends so rightly pointed out)

If i could wave a magic wand would say ditch the bf and keep the friend but I know it is far from that simple.

But please don't let him convince you you are in the wrong. He is responsible for his own behaviour. if he treats you badly it is not your fault you did not make him do it he does it because he chooses to.

grape yes I see he even used the word disloyal.
My FW was big on loyalty which actually meant- if get gets in trouble i was supposed to stick by him unquestioningly and I was supposed to keep husband abusive behaviour a secret. abuse thrives in silence

His not husband.

slowly also tryWA they have experience of escape planning which as you rightly say must be planned very carefully.

Thankfully in most cases the treats to take the dcs is just that. It is there to scare you and keep you down. in reality it is unlikely they would be able to nor would bethey want to as most of them are lazy idle feckers who know that looking after dcs is actually hard work.

slowly I second WA. They can be there to listen and will put you in touch with a local DA charity who can also help. They will offer legal advice re: kids and housing. You do no have to tell FW anything. Just slowly build a path out.
Again yes to council and with a referral they can find emergency housing/a shelter for you and DCs. This may not feel ideal as leaving a nice home you have created is heart breaking but it is about you being free and safe with DC's.
I was advised also to speak to my GP by a local DA charity as he can record your experience in the home and this can help to build a record of the abuse. They cannot disclose information but it can be useful in the future if you need to show for any reason what has been going on.
It is hard to make that first step and start speaking to people but I promise you the moment you do you will realise a few things

1. this happens to far too many women
2. people wan tot help you and keep you safe
3. this bubble he has created around you is not re-enforced and you can pop it.

lots of love and luck to you slowly