Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

It is difficult to put things into words when speaking to council etc, someone from the council rang me yesterday about my application, he wanted to know why I should be placed on the priority list for housing and he didnt understand why I would want to live in the same area if things are so bad between me and him. I felt like he was trying to catch me out for some reason and didnt know how to explain things. I.e I still want the DCs to see their dad, we live in a nice area and id be terrified to move into some other council area where people get burgled every night. This is why I am thinking private renting would be a quicker option. I am going to have a look now for WA on internet see if they can advise me. Hate all the secrecy, sooner I can get out the better. Partner is a compulsive liar, he often makes me feel as if I am the one in the wrong so its really great to come on here and know there are others in same situation.

he often makes me feel as if I am the one in the wrong so its really great to come on here and know there are others in same situation.

this and the last few years of EA are probably why you feel like the council are trying to catch you out.
if gumtree covers your area it may be worth putting an ad on it to see if anyone can help you. also speak to people in the local shop/café etc as you'll be surprised how many people just want to rent to someone decent who won't wreck their house instead of through an agency. sending you buckets...no, truck loads of strength and luck slowly

FW emailed me today and asked again to get back with me. He sounds contrite, he has been charming since I left. Except not confirming he's got the divorce papers so I can't progress. I know how awful he was for much of the last few years when I was with him. I know I am happier without him. Its precarious financially, but it do think its more stable. The kids miss him, but not that much, and manage ok. So why do I feel in such a mixed mind about it? It should be a no brainer to stay away, as things are, and to push on with the divorce. I had been singleminded. But somehow it doesn't feel like that.

We were together 18 years. We have children together. I don't believe he is going to change. I want my life to be in my control. But somehow, I have doubts.

Everyone has doubts about decisions. Even generals! I read in a self-help book that generals get to 80% certainty, then they commit. Which suggests up to 20% doubt should not change your mind, as I read it.

I m probably at about 70 30 certainty so getting there. Probably my dd is the 30 percent. We moved back home as fw said he would go to his folks this weekend, and guess what, he hasn't. So I feel the control had gone as I had moved out. Been ok today but I find it so upsetting and stressful just being round him. We were only away 2 nights and I definitely felt a bit back to myself.
I just got v upset when he asked to stay tonight as we as he is too tired to drive, so he has agreed to leave before I get back, for the day, get back late tomorrow then stay in a hotel in the week.
He says he won't rent: if I am serious he will give up his job and go back to his home area, which is sti in slump so no chance of a job. He says we can keep the house but no cm. yet we have a big house 2 of us don't need. I worked put today we could rent it out and it almost pay 2 rents then we could move back for secondary school catchment application time in 4-5 years. But he would rather bugger off and rarely see dd.
Feel v miserable

Btw slowly I felt like you as wasn't working and couldn't think how to get out. I got a pt job a year ago so its stu hard but a bit better and makes me feel more independent. Have you tried calling shelters free helpline. They can tell you if council should help. I think you could argue you are effectively homeless, as you can't stay where you are. You will be put in emergency accomodation which will be a bit grim while they investigate, but you might find it better than the mental cruelty you are suffering x

sus sending you a gentle enfolding hug.

I am afraid he sounds to me like a complete dickhead who would cut off his own nose (and that of DD) to spite you

Sorry typos fw has taken computer to bed so using phone!
Arg its so hard .

Thank you enfolding hug gratefully received. I agree entirely. Just hard as its going to hurt dd. although, she always wants me, so if I am not grumpy and stressed out by him being around like today maybe I can slightly make up for it. I ve been awful today with her. Tired, fed up.
I think I showed him an inkling of how much he had hurt me just now. I honestly don't think he realised my heart was broken too!

It is hard to do something that is in yours and DD's interest when it means DD hurting (Mine were grown, so my situation was different, with different problems re DC) But from reading on here, the long term damage to you and to DD if you don't separate will outweigh the temporary pain of escaping a toxic relationship 1000 fold.

Thanks tweedlezee, sure il get there eventually. Im not so sure about emergency accomodation- pretty sure it wont be in the area and then what do you do about nursery/school? I really want to keep things as normal as possible for DCs.they are 4 and 2 years they have never slept anywhere apart from home, so really hoping to just make one move and be done. Trying to save every penny(not that I have many of them) to get out by summer. Seems like a long time away! sus , it is difficult to see clearly what is right for your DCs isnt it. Mine adore their dad(even though he barely sees them) clouds my judgement sometimes. But, if we stay they will grow to think his behaviour is normal, and that is the thought that will keep me going.

Can I join? I moved out with my DD's in September. It was a mess and the end was my fault, although I now understand that it was a good thing. I took a job over Ex's objections, made friends with a colleague, developed feelings (not hard when the colleague doesn't sulk, strop, scream at your kids and call you a common slut) and decided to end the marriage.

It was only as it was ending that I started to see how bad it had been.

Fast forward to Christmas and I was still tiptoeing around, providing packed lunches for access, letting him drop by as and when to use my shower and play with the kids, not troubling him for maintenance and doing anything possible to appease him. Until Christmas day, when his strop over a Mumsnet post (that he couldn't possibly have known about) led to the discovery that my laptop was hacked. For over a year, all of my posts, emails, web browsing, and even conversations with friends in my new home (!) had all been subjected to his scrutiny. For over a year, I'd felt paranoid by his snide little comments and put-downs, wondering how he could possibly know what I had said or thought...

At the same time, some of my friends staged a mini-intervention and pointed out all the controlling behaviours that I'd been so carefully trying to ignore.

I started the Freedom programme online this weekend, and it's just made everything so raw. It listed so many things that he did, that I just never noticed him doing. I can't believe I didn't see it, and let him do it. And I'm so scared for my kids, that he'll continue to mess with their minds just to get at me.

I m so early in the process that your post is really inspiring! You ve got out and stayed out. Full stop. It can be done! I am sure others will post with practical advice but from
Someone just starting the journey of leaving, I think you've done brilliantly xxx

My fw has been around all weekend being so nice and I ve been miserable, guilty and confused. Now he has just left to stay in a travelodge all weekend which I was feeling awful with guilt about all weekend. But now he's gone, I feel so much better! He's only been gone and hours. This is how I felt last week when I moved out, only for it all to be undone when he asked me to move back for dds sake and then didnt leave as he had promised he would. Think this is telling me something . I think he thinks after a week of this I will let him back, ESP as earlier i said if he gave up his job and moved away it would make it permanent, just trying to stop him giving up his job. I can tell this is permanent. God I felt so confused all weekend. Just so nice sitting here alone with no eggshells to walk on!

That's it, isn't it? Just the relief when they're gone. I think that's why it took me so long to realize how wrong things were. Sure, when he was shouting and screaming at me, I knew it was bad. But the next day when they laugh and joke like nothing happened, it's such a RELIEF to feel like you don't have to tiptoe around them- so you brush it under the carpet and believe what they say.

Are you renting elsewhere? I would love to do that and have complete control and less guilt, but wouldn't be able to afford it. It's logistics that have stopped me so far.

I do feel guilty about him , ESP him not living with dd, that would break me, but I ll be broken anyway if I carry on.

He was v nice this weekend, but I just cried all weekend. Don't feel so bad when he's not around. I do love him, but even if he could change, I couldn't forgive him now. I think
I love him but not in love.

Btw your description of your ex is just like
Mine.

So true! Seven days free from eggshell walking and fear and - though I miss him, feel cheated and deceived and fear for the future financially - I can't believe how good I feel.

Just to sit and be. To breath. It's only been this week I have realised quite how unhappy I have been and for how long.

The only time it's been hard is when he makes contact. I feel the dark clouds gather and, lo, the subtle knives begin to poke. However, each day, my skin gets more impervious to the blades.

Plus, and I know it's shallow, while I'm feeling fine, he looks bloody awful.

That's so true.

Sorry to hear what you newcomers are going through. Private renting worked for me, slowly, but I was fortunate enough to have a well-paid DB who acted as guarantor, because I had no reliable income. I'd applied to register with the local HA, but that could've taken years just to get my application processed.

I wish my FW would just go away. The DCs come back from his house looking shattered, but then I probably think of every problem in their lives as his fault somehow!

"That's so true" was to new's post.

sus it sounds like a tactic he is using to keep you dangling. Humour him and he won't give up his job. That is blackmail and you cannot live like that.
Whether he gives up his job or not is up to him and either way you will survive. But he is using the threat to manipulate you back into line.

I second the relief of being away from the constant strain of life with a FW. You only realise how wound up you were all the time when it stops!

I think it's that the chronic anxiety isn't there. Yes I am scared and fearful for the future but not anxious about everyday life and what may happen next. I put the rubbish out earlier and was actually proud I had done, yet I lived on my own perfectly fine for 4 years before him. Oh and to think I need never get in a car again with him driving and all his road rage . . .

I am private renting, and it took a while to save up the money and find a guarantor. But because I'm working, the tax credits were a big help in letting me get out of there. We took almost nothing, just a table and chairs and our clothes. I did feel guilty for leaving him, but at the same time, he could have avoided the whole situation by not constantly putting me down. And if he wanted to continue living with the kids, then he shouldn't have spent so much time telling me "I knew we shouldn't have had kids" etc.

Access is still hard, though. Generally I drop the kids off and then cry for the hour-long drive to work.

Except not confirming he's got the divorce papers so I can't progress.

Control, control, control. When you get the divorce sorted, your life will be in your control; all those good things you listed, they will be your life. He's stopping you getting to that place 100%. For as long as he does that, he is still in your head, because he is holding you in the marriage. That is why you have doubts.

Stopping you progressing the divorce is the only thing he can do to still control you, and he is doing it.

I put the rubbish out earlier and was actually proud I had done
this was me last night!!! I was so happy that I had ordered everything. FW used to turn doing the rubbish into a big drama which took ages and everyone had to praise him for it. oh and I 'never' did it (even though I did EVERYTHING else) and when I did have the audacity to do it, he would kindly stand behind me telling me where stuff should go.

Omg, ditto, ditto, ditto! Xxx