Fraglets, thank you. So sorry to hear all you are having to deal with. It is a terrible roller coaster, isn't it? It was ok in the end but I think only because his mum persuaded him to be reasonable. He is overly preoccupied with other people seeing him as the calm, reasonable man he has never been with me. I think that's the core of the issue, actually. That he knows how he wants to be perceived and tries to act that out in his private life. He threw himself headlong into our relationship, wanted our wonderful DS but struggled to keep it up. He doesn't do normal. Things that give me great joy - playing with the boys, walking the dog, watching a film are boring and unsatisfying to him. He can't sustain normal but wants to be seen as just that so lives a lie, blissfully unconcerned about how that impacts on those who have believed his expressions of love and care and - in my case - gone along with plans he's made. Last summer, he got terribly enthusiastic about our relocating to a new area and taking over a business. He talked of nothing else for months. I had reservations but - again - thought it might be the thing to do if it would only make him happy. I was on three months notice at work so resigned. Then, as quickly as he had decided he wanted the move, he lost total enthusiasm. Luckily, my work asked me to stay on longer, which I did and that paid for Christmas. He said he was still keen on a move, just not the business, so I have supported him in finding work in the area. A process instigated by him. On Wednesday, he pulled out of an interview (for a post he had expressed loads of enthusiasm for) telling me out the blue that he would rather kill himself than go. Him telling me he hadn't loved me for years and leaving happened yesterday. I can't say it's ever been easy - largely because of the irrational diametrically opposed ways of thinking and acting (along with frequent verbal abuse) but I have asked him whether the move was right for him often and he has repeatedly said yes. In the wake of his explosions, I have consistently offered him outs, saying if he was unhappy with us we could work together towards an amicable and healthy separation. This has been met with protestations of love and a desire for the future we planned. That's why I'm so confused. I simply can't understand that bit though, as recommended by the wonderful people here, i am hoping the Freedom Course helps me. I have just been to the shops and I have no money at all. Literally none. I feel really aggrieved because, if I still had my job and he paid solely towards our son, I would be able to stay afloat. Yet I resigned as part of a plan we made that he now says he never wanted despite his instigating it!
I am sure your dad's just worried for you. Not a great way to express it, though. I totally agree with the conditioning thing. I have had the old work/stress excuse made frequently. I can be irritable and snappy when stressed but hours and days of subjecting someone you 'love' to verbal abuse? No way. However, from what you have written, is it likely he firmly believes the justification? It's when I have refuted that as a reason for the unstable behaviour that he's blamed my questioning the normality of becoming an ogre in response to stress for his behaviour. In my heart of hearts, I know that's bullshit but I do accept the instability has become a cycle. He goes nuts, I fall apart, I question his feelings and commitment, he goes nuts. As I write and read here, I am slowly realising that it's not crazy to question whether someone loves you when they've frequently said they don't. Plus, he did all this to his ex too.
I wish you all the very best of luck in staying strong. Spitting is vile. You not playing the victim. You have been bullied and treated appallingly. I'm about to borrow 20 pounds from a friend so we can eat tonight. Tomorrow, I'm getting some advice, whether he cooperates or not, I will look after my boys.