Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

and then i mean properly.

off to bed.
hope everyone doing ok as can be expected tonight xxx

also was quite intrigued the other day when i was watching my daughter do an afterschool sports club, there was a couple next to me also watching their son, and they had his little brother in tow, and i swear i could have counted on two hands the amount of times the dad criticised the mum's parenting - i noticed it as it was exactly the way that fw used to criticise me - and i was so proud that i had spotted the red flags. Not ideal for the poor mum though. Things like - iittle bro asked for a biscuit, she didn;t have any, dad says - oh, how can we not have any biscuits - she says, he doesn't normally want them here. litlte bro drawing with a pen, eventually on the tennis court - dad says - how did he get a pen . he shouldn't have a pen.

it's that absolute abstaining of responsibility while thinking they know best that is really really bloody annoying in some men/dads.

course i didn't say anything, how could i. but i did think - CAN'T WAIT TO BE SINGLE!!!

Very very annoying, true, sus.

Tis, great to hear your update! That must make things easier, with FW not seeing DCs. You are a brave woman, still fighting on!

Things quiet here. FW thinks he will lose his job this summer, but this speculation is practically an annual event, so I'm not crossing any bridges yet...

oh sus it sounds like you are taking all the right steps to freedom.

I am veryvery sensitive to triggers like others parenting or men seeming to demean my friends in any way. I am struggling with other peoples relationships - I am like an ex-smokers moaning about people smoking outside though it really has nothing to do with me. I am also relishing being single for the first time in my life. I realise now I cannot honestly remember a time that I didn't want a boyfriend to come along and save me.

He was such a tosspot last night, came home at 930, asked where dinner was, then said he had to go in early today so I needed to organise someone else to take dd to school. So there i was at 10pm texting school mums for help. Then he ate the lunch I had made for myself today .
I was so mad I couldn't sleep :-(

thanks Tis

mmm sus ????? wtaf. He does what he wants with no notice or thought for others and you have [?] to pick up whats dropped? yep. Very much so I am familiar with that. Whats that saying, don't get mad, get even? There is some sort of underwritten rule isn't that that we must feed the FW?

Alice thanks so for offering that number, I have tried calling them, not yet got through, and its not anonymous which is a bit scarey [i find], but I will keep calling to get some sound advice, as court looms close now again.

Fi I hope they can give you some helpful advice. The person I spoke to there really helped me a lot and was on the phone with me for ages.

sus It's appalling how they can do so much damage, then drop off to sleep isn't it? While we spend hours stressing over it, losing sleep.

Charlotte is there any actual basis for him to think he'll lose his job? Or is this annual speculation just an excuse for him to be moody?

arthriticfingers I find denial and minimising creeps in to my thoughts regularly. It's the lull between the blow-ups, and you start to think "maybe it wasn't that bad" and then BOOM! Off it goes again.

I made sure today I put on makeup and did my hair and dressed nice. I picked up a couple things for me (book, new top) while I was out today. And I've put another couple things up (picture frame that I like and a flowered wicker heart) on the wall, while contemplating the paint colour for the living room. I thought I had it all worked out until someone mentioned furniture covers which means I can put covers on my sofa and chair (as otherwise I'd want to get rid of them but they're comfortable), and that leaves me clear to choose different colours in the living room. Yay! (yes, little things have been making me happy lately)

Are any of you at the point where fw no longer upsets you? We've been separated for 18months but he still reduces me to tears with a couple of shitty words

Are any of you at the point where fw no longer upsets you? We've been separated for 18months but he still reduces me to tears with a couple of shitty words

Alice, his contract is renewed annually because of uncertainty of funding, but I think his position is more secure than he lets on. Yes, I think he has used it as an excuse to be moody with me - and then when it has been renewed, he'd claim that he was never really worried because he'd been told that they'd find the money for him somehow because he was indispensable. Reality would often suddenly shift like that, with him. Nothing was certain.

gotany, I'd say I've been aware that I'm protecting myself from FW for about five years now, but I've not quite got to the stage where he doesn't upset me. It's better now I have more control about when he speaks to me (it's mainly by email as I have refused to engage at other times), but I still steel myself and skim-read his emails if I think there's anything I might take to heart. I'll go back to it if I feel stronger later. Or sometimes I just decide it looks ranty and don't read it properly until weeks later I wonder if it was "just me" and then go in search of evidence that it wasn't!!

agreed - I mainly ignore FW. He tries, he snaps at me but in my head I have this "HAHA" laugh which drowns out the words he is saying.
When reading his emails I go "BLAHBLAHBLAH - DC's going on holiday - BLAHBLAHBLAH" The blah's are all the minor insulting drivel to which I will NOT react.
For me though, it is the unsaid that makes me want to scream at him. The face that doesn't say "New jacket? Gave you money yesterday - convenient" He has always controlled me with the things that weren't said though. Many a night I spent screaming at him to talk to me instead of ignoring me and looking at stuff on ebay. He liked the attention though now I realise. Someone said "Like a child who doesn't know the difference between positive and negative attention - it is just all attention." I also often picture him as my DS (they are very similar) stamping his feet because he doesn't get want he wants and then, realising it is for his own good, I stand my ground.
Basically Alice I find visualising him as a child key to dealing with him.

Fw is currently unable to upset me. Due to the police investigation we aren't allowed any contact whatsoever. I have to say, it is marvellous

thats so cool Tis I remember having a couple of weeks of that, and it was amazing. revel and enjoy

Tis Ah, radio silence is wonderful, isn't it?

I've had almost no contact with FW all week, as he's with his "fiancé" this week, other than one message that had me in stitches (although I suspect it wasn't funny for him) that I cannot explain lest it out me utterly. So yes, good week all in all.

Sigh. I want to thank my ex for teaching, through his abusive and nasty behaviour, that the way to get your own way is to shout and scream and be aggressive. It was such a lovely lesson to teach your DCs that I'm not trying to slowly work them out of, and it's exhausting. Thanks a fucking bunch. And every time they see him, it's like a lesson in "how to display bad behaviour" all over again.

Rant over.

Hi just poking my headin the door again... I was ona previous thread no.25 and less i think, when i was still with him/breaking up. fw has ramped up his mental torture, one week we seem to be together the next week im nothing. And im left wondering wtf ive done wrong this time. Why. Whos given him abit of attention this time. Am i really that worthless.
People ask is he your ex or not but if i knew that i would be as screwed up as i am now.

Things were great at a time but now i realise that was him feeding me a line and im ashamed to say i took the bait. Im currently still in the cold shoulder phase. I did post a different post before i was told that i must stop this drama fw wants me to think its me being dramatic so hed prob smile at that.

I feel so embarrassed that i fell for his charming side again and let him suck me back in... I shouldve known better... But it still hurts the feelings are still there. I was once his OH who he was committed to (or so i thought), now im just an emotional punchbag

And im looking after his baby 24/7 while he has a fun life and probably sticking his dick in various people. But hes so good at lying manipulating and head games. He can make up an excuse quicker than you can question it. And its so disorientating, and something thats been going on for 2 years and complicated, that it difficult to explain it all without looking like a drama queen.

It hurts and im functioning like a mum-bot atm. So i guess im hoping i can finally detach emotionally somehow and snap out of it. and only those who have been through crap like this can understand how mindscrewing it is. I cant believe he swayed me, even after reading lundy's pep talks. I want that dont-give-a-shit mentality back that i had when i was pregnant.Sorry for the essay.

Hope everyones doing better than i am

honey86 It's difficult to get past that mental head games stuff, I know. I think we all struggle with it for quite some time - that's part of the process. But it also means that you at least are recognising that it's head games - he's not worth the effort, you know that.

You just need to find that inner strength to resist it a few times and get some of the fog out of your head. I feel completely different once I've had a few days away from ex - like the fog is clearing and I can finally think again, instead of just react react react.

Sorry you're having a tough time honey, I hope you get some mind peace soon. I'm still waiting for mine!

Thanks im glad i didnt get a bashing, the thing is i know deep down whats coming when i give in. I know ill get upset and end up weeping on my kitchen floor again. But ive always gone back. Its so hard when theres a baby between us.

He texted me earlier trying to make conversation. This is how he goes into the lovely phase. He'll behave like he never said the hurtful things he did. And the cycle repeats. I just replied to what was relevant to ds. He said thanks n thats it. But secretly im upset that he hasnt bothered anymore and embarrassed to say i keep cryingcos of it. The nc is destroying me, my head going why and what if. Im trying to drown it out with music and diet coke.

Hope things get better for you soon

honey86 sending warm hugs. Mine didn't have lovely phases, we both thought that problems were down to my mental health; in addition for many years I thought he would somehow come good on pulling his weight round the house, going out, and working more than a handful of days a year. So I didn't come to realise what had been going on till decades had past and kids were grown (though only one flown).

When things break down and then break up there is grief honey - and part of grief is hoping against hope. If the person is dead, it is obvious that this hope is forlorn. If the person is a FW showing signs of change, and it co-incides with a 'hope' phase, I imagine it can be difficult to resist. But resist you must. Only if he changes for the long term while apart from you is there any chance for him. And there still may be no chance for you and him. From these boards, I would say that you might as well consider that, even if he does change his behaviour, there is no future together.

I was 59 when I ended my marriage; the time wasnt exactly wasted, and things have worked out brilliantly. And I also realise for much of my life I thought that feeling pain meant I was feeling love

Just popped in for a catch up and nice to hear from some old friends. (I used to post as Little House) It is so depressing that even after leaving the FW forever we still have to negotiate over the DC and they can go on being annoying wankers. The only answer is to detach and avoid communicating over anything except arrangements for DC.
My FW has gone quiet as everything is settled financially now and our house has sold. The DC are adults and arrange things directly with us.
It is a little odd as he loves to find things to wind me up over.
But I am totally happy now with my lovely DP and we are buying a house together! I can't quite believe it is all working out so well. Glad to hear it is good for you too Puss and hope the rest of you shake these tiresome vermin off eventually. Good plan Tis to move home to Wales. Can your DC siarad cymraeg?

Sometimes when I read this I think our entire national cohort of judges, CPS, police force and just bloody everyone should read this litany of outrage to get a tiny inkling of what's going on inside so many homes and women's hearts. When you step back and look at the length and breadth of it - it's just outrageous. Jesus...

WTFjusthappened - where did you go? Are you ok? Your last post said you were at an all time low. You ok? Thinking of you and sending you a mountain of support. Hang on in there.

BtW: in terms of paying for counselling: I have health insurance through Simply Health. Not expensive, and great: and they can pay for counselling, up to a limit I think of about 150 pounds. Check them out. I get it through work, and then top it up to get more ( pays for spectacles, chiro , dental etc too) ... Check it out on line. Might help. :)

I wish that I could move on with my dp but just so worried all of the time what fw will think/do/say

gotanymore - how much contact do you need to have with him? Like - how much per week?