Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I hope you do get your holiday sus.
And don't worry about paying the thread back. plenty of time later. you are already helping others just by posting as any others arriving on thread or lurking can see they are not alone in dealing with a FW.

That is why this thread is so brilliant.

so true mink

sus nothing wrong with a bit of luxury for just you and DD

I have just used the voucher I got from MN Santa (i know slow getting round to it). Bought a dvd to snuggle up with the kids and watch and an exercise dvd for me.

Don't know who nominated me but it really was a lovely heart warming thing to get

Im pleased to hear that, sus. I hope you and your dd get the holiday. It will do you both the world of good!

Aw mink that is lovely

The thread has gone very quiet! Had trouble finding it.

How is everybody doing?

I m halfway through Lundy, its like my life on paper.
How's everyone else ?

Im finally getting back to myself. Struggling with decisions to a frustrating level but hey ho, cant get back to my best over night!

How are you finding that book, sus. Has it been helpful so far?

Helpful in terms of keeping me on path , as it totally describes everything about my life the past 5 years. Not sure helpful in terms of fixing me but I m not really at that point yet.

sus based on my own experience, the first part of fixing yourself is very retrospective. recognising all the behaviours, processing them and letting them expand from their minimised size to their full horror.

It is not pleasant and it feels like standing still. but it is a step.

There was another book I got about recovering and fixing yourself but I could not face it at the time. May dip back into it now.

An old cliche but very true though is time is a great healer.
Because you don't need to be fixed you are not broken or malfunctioning, you need to heal because you are hurt and injured.

everycloud I read your thread (I could link for you if you'd like?) and you are so doing the right thing. This is a great thread and helped me see the abuse I was suffering for what it was - you can see a lot more clearly than I could when I found this thread, and it will help you unravel the thought spaghetti in your head even further.

I don't have any practical advice re your situation atm, and am old gimmer whose DCs were grown by the time I woke up properly. But there are lots of folk on here with v relevant experience.

In short, welcome (though sorry you have to be here)

everycloud: what sort of person does that? A FuckWit (FW), that's who. Living with my FW did damage my mental health, however since my divorce 2 years ago I have healed from that damage, and so will you.

I kept hoping against hope, tried different ways to fix things, thought it was me not him. The thing that held me back the most, I think, is that I confused feeling pain.

Here's a link your thread

I first talked to a sol 4 years ago, when I had given it a year with me in p/t work and us having some capital; the first time I could afford it, I suppose (FW was a cocklodger and a skinflint as well). But bottled it when I had a crisis of self confidence, and also because my DF was upset at the idea, and thought it would affect DD (18) too much.

2 years later I had managed to hang on to the capital, but had had to leave employment the previous year through work stress and depression. Luckily I had worked long enough to be eligible for ESA. FW was outraged that I should have my sickness benefit, earned through my NI contributions, paid into my own personal account rather than into our joint account.

We were off to an event as a family, and needed hotel accommodation. I wanted to stay somewhere nice, we could have afforded it (from capital if it came to it). He wanted to stay in a Travel-lodge. He was obstructive over the whole thing, and even refused to say whether he was even coming with us until the last minute.

There is much much more. But it culminated in me sobbing late one night, him ignoring me completely and walking off, me going out to stay in a hotel overnight. As soon as I got out the door I felt like I was me again. The next day I posted my first post on an earlier incarnation of the EA thread.

I keep sweeping everything under the carpet... it is very a lumpy carpet indeed and I now want to stomp all over it! We are surviving, just, by me being fairly amenable and basically not spending a lot of time together, I have had an awful cold/cough for weeks and weeks, doesn't seem to be getting better but isn't so bad that I cannot function IYKWIM.

I had a meeting with a counselor yesterday, was great but counselling sessions (free) won't start for a while as they have a waiting list, but just talking about the situation (which I haven't been talking about for ages) was great. I kept contradicting myself, saying I had really good self esteem and then realizing how ridiculous it was that I always accept H's view of things... he is such an angry person and rubbishes anything that is good/well intentioned/nice/happy, for example: recycling. H doesn't believe in it. He has refused to have a recycling bin and gets furious if he sees me collecting up things in a recycling bag which I put out on the right day-- come to think of it, I do all the rubbish putting-out as the whole issue makes him angry. Also he gets furious with anyone who says climate change is man made. Of course he doesn't know AND... really, does it matter?

Tonight I went to a yoga class and he's been simmering with anger because of it... we had a tiny disagreement, wasn't even a disagreement, he said the women who accused David Lee Travis were 'mentalist', then he said that I was 'mentalist' as well. Evidently I 'make things up' , referring to the time I called the police because he said he wanted to smash my face in-- well, I stand by that and the police heard him say it even though he said that of course he wasn't really going to do it (says he was exercising his right to free speech).

Anyway just AAARGH!!!! He says I don't know how to be a proper wife (because I went to yoga class without asking if it was OK, I guess) and me with my enhanced self-awareness just laughed at him and said he wasn't a very good husband. He really should know that by now.

Just wanted to vent, not here to report any progress! Thanks for being here. I am not depressed, job OK, but.... I know it's not right to dread coming 'home'. I'm truly, actually thinking about running away to a yoga centre, well it is a meditation centre that I know where you can stay for a time... then H could REALLY say I was a mentalist b*tch! and I could say MID LIFE CRISIS and it would all make sense :) to split, as things are it's too difficult, I just feebly say 'he isn't very nice to me...'.

Tempermental I felt like you could have been on one of our family outings, not the specifics but the feeling that everything had to be done his way, and if it wasn't he'd darn well make sure that he spoiled it for everyone else!

Hi thats - sorry to hear you're still having to scrape by but well done you for going to yoga. Any normal person wouldn't have a problem with you doing something for yourself, you need to remember that. Sadly my FW thinks the women who accused David Lee Travis are mentalist as well, which is his standard response for any unproven rape case. I'm still rubbing along just as you are, trying not to rock the boat. Hope you feel better soon.

Welcome to everycloud. Keep reading and posting, the early days of realising you're being abused is tough. This thread is great to help see through the fog.

Definitely keep going to yoga. You dont need his permission.

Meditation is very good. Especially when dealing with a fw.
I couldnt answer back without it turning into ww3. But then i couldnt not answer without it turning in to ww3.
So i turned to meditation. Every night in bed, id stick me headphones in and listen to brainwaves, mediation and mindfulness apps.

It helped me function on a more level head throughout the day.
I stopped being so confused with his fuckwittery, and i swear it helped me see things more clearly.

I got a load of crap from him for listening to it,but i couldnt hear him once the headphones were in

I then got the strength to take his shit for joining a forum (spiritual one), which led to more meditation and conversations from normal people. Then i joined MN asking for how to help him, and how to be better support ha!
He was losing control as i was developing a back bone (i didnt realise at that time).
I was told in that thread that he was gaslighting me, but i felt quite defensive about it at the time.

It is hard to accept everything is as bad as it is. Like you said,you keep thinking of the good times!
If you look deeper, i bet those good times came after a huge kick off by him.

I couldnt see that until i was out. I have never looked back

Stay strong and keep posting

Hi nini we do feel we have to keep everything going, don't we? But keep planning, I know I do, and I separate myself, so to speak, from the situation and admit o myself when I an just doing things to keep the peace.
I have sympathy with 'dlt ' or anyone wrongly accused but would not use that to castigate all women as h, the mysogynist does. Evidently the only proper women are the ones who do as they're told!

Thanks wont for the inspiration! Well done re growing backbone, that's where I am slowly getting to.

hi, been away a while so just catching with all the goings on.
that's its horrid that feeling of not wanting to go home. I spent a lot of time sitting in the local park finding the courage to return home after work.
I also started Yoga and meditation, throw in a bit of chanting and this all helped to find my stronger and more genuine self. (bit spiritual, sorry)
I had an amazing experience during an indian head massage when I realised that I could be free.
The feeling of being free stayed with me and was a huge help when telling him FW I was leaving.
He used to spend a lot of time telling me my son hated me. DS is 3.
Since leaving my relationship with my DS is so wonderful. Communication between DS and I is so much better and he listens well...mostly.
We have been to mediation and I have braved the motion of maintenance. I am much stronger since leaving and even stood up to him when he wanted to make a last minute change to access. Even saying "no, you are not asking me, you are telling me."
Temperamental Your FW sounds very familiar to me. We had these 'blow ups' over everything where I wanted stay/go/be somewhere nice and he would insist that due to my attitude I didn't deserve 'nice' things. I now buy myself flowers every week. Its funny though because now he can buy holidays for him and the kids, they have 2 planned this year. I wasn't allowed holidays because of my attitude.
I am a lot happier.

Hi Thatsnotmyname Keep going - how are you doing? We have left, but the battle continues!

Hi All

I posted with you about a year and a half ago about whether my relationship was abusive and got a big resounding yes from you all.

Well I left him 18 months ago but I still can't seem to wrench free from the control he has over my emotions. Does anyone have any advice on this? He is still a total shit to me, mainly by text, and he still reduces me to tears every time. I still have to seek confirmation from everyone else that I'm not a bad mother/mental person/evil selfish bitch etc etc. I still have panic attacks and nightmares anticipating the next thing he will decide to have a go about.

I have a new partner whom exH doesn't approve of and I often cancel arrangements with him because the ex has had something to say about it and has made me feel like an awful person again.

He will accept no responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage, it is all my fault because I had developed a romantic interest with my new dp in the couple months prior to leaving.

I feel completely stuck. I don't want him to make me miserable any more but I also feel terribly guilty for making him unhappy through my actions. We also have a toddler which complicates the situation further.

I really hope one of you can tell me how to make this better :-/